annejulahh

Today is day three of not talking to you. I broke down the on day three last week too but this time, this time I have to stay strong. Blocking your statues' has been working well. I've creeped on them today and then I went to her page. Now, I am happy she and I aren't friends. This rage stirred up in me for about two seconds and then I came to this to write out how I feel. On the other hand, I'm really glad that you can't see my stuff either, you'd constantly be asking me what's wrong and all that other stuff. So, it's both good and bad. Augh, I've struggling with that kind of thinking; the middle ground. You've tried to talk to me twice. I appreciate that but I don't think it would be good for me. I don't know about you, but I know it wouldn't be good for me. But, I have no idea how heartfelt that was. . . which gets me thinking a lot of thoughts that I don't want to think like you caring about me and if it's forced or not. You do seem to pick up hints now, so that's a good thing. I was really missing you today. But, I have not given into your . . . ability to make me surrender to you, if that makes any sense. I've been looking at other guys which makes me remember that I need to work on me but that flirting is okay. And I was telling my friend how I was missing you and how this third day is hard, and she told me that if I complain tomorrow, then she will say the 5th day is hard. Which is true: Everyday it get's harder and easier. I just have to get over this hump. And in case you're wondering, no, I don't want you back. If anything, I want to be physical. But, I can't do the emotional stuff with you, it takes too much of a tole on me and I'm pretty sure it's the same for you. I'm not one of those girls that is going to sit around waiting for you, I know we're not meant to be but I do miss things but I'm finding that distractions are good and not being in contact with you is even better. I also want you to know that I don't hate you or anything, the break up needed to happen, it just didn't go so well for me but, now, now I'm growing up a little bit and seeing that there are more guys than you. But, I can't tell you this, I still care about you. But still in a not caring way. And that is something you will never understand.

I wish you would understand that you need to heal. I know you think you have everything figured out but, you don't. I don't want you back in the realest sense of that, but I want to have a friendship but that is obviously going to take a while, which is good. I also wish you would be able to understand that what you are doing to this girl is going to break her also, I have no idea how strong she is but please, don't do what you did to me. I understand you are trying to care about me as a friend. How is that going? I can't care about you without being in love with you, well, in love with the physical. I want you as my friend, but I don't think God wants us to be there right now. So, I'm not going to try. I put far too much effort into that for far too long. I will give slight head nods when I see you at church but, I'm not going to start a conversation. Lastly, I know what I said to you last night was immature and stupid. Okay, I know. And I'm sure you're still pissed but I have asked for forgiveness and God has forgiven me. That is all.