DulcetMute

I will talk to you here. How could you do this? After six years you were able to look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me anymore and you never see yourself feeling that way again. After only days earlier when you let me believe we would get married. After laying with me in bed and telling you loved me before I went to sleep each night. And then you add insult to all these injuries by telling me you'd felt this way for almost five months. How could you do it? I moved 75 miles to be with you and until I did that I commuted to see you. I went back to school to make something more of myself for you. Then, when things started to get hard you lied to me about talking to another woman. This whole time you could have been honest with me. Five months ago you could have said everything you said to me when you left me a week ago and who knows where we would have been. You never told me how I was making you feel. You always just expected me to know but how? With your stone face? No, but you talked to someone else. Now, I am stuck in this situation of having to live with you as a roommate for four months. I want to be sick at the thought of you with your knowledge of me and all the firsts I had with you looking at me as your roommate. Looking at me day in and day out for these months with no love in your eyes and no love in your heart. And, before I have to do that, you've banished me from our house for two weeks so you can have space to deal with it. Without my familiar surroundings and our animals that mean so much to me - the only things that might have brought me comfort. So you can deal with it. What about me? When did my feelings stop mattering to you at all? Why couldn't you keep the status-quo for four more months and wait to do this when we could both have had a clean break? Oh, you just couldn't. You think I'm selfish for wanting that but what about you? And if not just for a clean-break what is wrong with saying I want another chance? For six years I think I deserve it. What do you have to lose but four months? It hurts me more than you know that you couldn't give that to me. That I wasn't worth it to you. You took away all of my joy. Six years left me feeling so tied to you that I can't watch TV, listen to music, enjoy anything without thinking of you. The only peace I get is when I walk or sleep. And I can't sleep at all. You took away my confidence. You took my pride. You took it all without telling me how you'd been feeling - oh, but wait, then you did. You told me everything. You laid out every single thing that was wrong. You made me feel like I was terrible to you. And you did it all knowing you'd never give me a chance. You were content to just let me live with this pain down the hall from you for four months. You were content to give me every single tool but then not let me try. How dare you do all of that and then not give the opportunity to fix anything. Do you want me to suffer? I hate being angry with you, but I am. Six years of my life has disappeared without so much as a tear from you. You will subject me to watching you be happier without me when I am just down the hall. And until that happens you will be content to demand two weeks without having to even acknowledge I exist. You cut me out. I feel like I don't even know you anymore. I'm in a room I don't recognize by myself. I'm 75 miles from all the friends I had made and the pets I love. Is this how you treat someone that gave you so much of themselves for so many years? How can that be? I feel like there are two of you. The person I loved and this person before me now. I cry out for the man I knew and when I realize they are one in the same I feel a loss so great that I imagine only an actual death would hurt me more. But, I will leave you alone these two weeks. Then I will be your roommate for four months and I will pray daily for the strength to endure the pain and humiliation of it all. Why couldn't you try to stay in it until it didn't have to be this way?