Mttens

Had the worst nightmare ever last night. I`m feeling like crap now.

I`ve been feeling a bit better in the last hours. I still have you in my mind every second but today, more than in any other day, I missed so much staying in your arms watching a movie. Its scary how things can change so abruptly.

I just love this

I feel the need to write you some words. To let you know how badly I regret every angry word, everything I could have done different. It`s funny.. there were so many angry words coming from you, too. It was also your choice to treat me like yesterday`s trash. So why do I feel guilty? I know nothing I`ve done can justify your actions. Maybe I just need to be at peace with myself. 10 weeks since we`re apart and I start seeing things in a different light. I wanted to hate you, but I cant fool myself into thinking I was perfect. I was far from perfection, same were you. I`m starting to believe that we indulged ourselves into a prolonged adolescence. When both of us felt its time for things to get finally more serious, you got scared. Too bad you didnt feel the need to share it with me. More than that, you started to look for something serious somewhere else. With someone who was already in another relationship. I had no idea you could do that. I had no idea you couldnt love me the way I could. I was always under the impression that from the two of us its me the one not able to love you as much as you loved me. I`ll never hate you. I loved you too much for that, you were the most important person in my life for such a long time. Its a shame how things ended. Its sad you chose not to know me anymore. It would be easier for me to be like you, to be able to just close the door and never look back. But all the pain you caused made me open my eyes and made me see things in a distinct manner than I used to. Something has changed in me for sure. Take care.

Why the **** did you do this? All these years didn't mean anything to you? I was more than willing to get over your lies and cheating, just to be with you. I was willing to do anything for you. And you didn't even bother to communicate, to let me know you`re starting to fall for someone else. You didnt give us a chance to begin with!! You just went behind my back and cheated and allowed yourself to hate me because I simply breathe. How were you feeling while lying to my face? Sneaking out to meet her? When I was hugging and kissing you and telling you how amazing you are and how lucky I am to have a guy like you in my life? Damn, I was such a fool. I still am. I trusted you more than I trust myself. What for? To have everything blown up in my face. To tell you that I love you and to hear you saying you love her. To hear you saying you want to marry and have kids with her right away. Why the need to say that to me? You knew too well this is what I wanted for us. You`re not only a liar, but also a heartless person. How could you reach this level of hate and throw everything out the window for her? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? I wish I could simply hate you. For some reason I`m afraid to let go. I`m afraid that if I stop loving you it will be over for sure. But it is over anyway..

Just missing my best friend right now, well.. the one I thought you were. Us being together seems something so far away, so cloudy, like it never happened. Only the sadness and loneliness left as proof it was real. Never thought it will end so soon or this way. Sometimes I think you`re blind... You dont deserve to hear me say it, but I love you.

I miss the old you so much. But you`re just a stranger now.. and this only makes the pain worse.

I bet you`d be so maliciously happy to know that everyone who ever wanted to be with me while we were together is now married and with kids. I refused so many good guys to give everything to the bad one. S***w you and all the trust I had in you. Nvm the trust, you`ve already done that.

Waking up and acknowledging every morning the cold reality is still there is just too much. At the beginning I used to dream over and over on how you were leaving me. Then I started to dream we were still together and happy. Woke up from one of those dreams today. Everything was so perfect till I opened my eyes and knew it was something I`ll most likely never have again. How could you do that? I`ve always been waking up with a big smile on my face. Now I`m exhausted. Tired of having you in my mind all day, tired of not being able to escape from you even when I sleep. Go out of my head, go haunt someone else`s mind!!! You`ve already wasted too many years of my life, I didnt do anything to deserve this pain. You`re such a huge disappointment. Cant even say its love or that I`m missing you anymore, because at this point it hurts too much, feels like a disease taking control of me. How can you hold me in your arms one day and then the next one tell me you`ve been faking it for over a month? That you`d marry her and have kids with her right in that second if she wants to? When you know this is what I wanted for us since forever? Who are you??

Its such a beautiful day outside and I`m crying only noticing it. I miss talking to you and our walks.. Wish so much to go at least on another walk in the park with you. I miss everything we had till this summer. Every day seems a complete waste. I`m so tempted right now to talk to you. Every day should be a day closer to the day I`ll be happy again, but the way I just see it`s one more day far from you. But I wont talk to you. Nothing good can come out of it.

so.. apparently you`re one of those persons who do bad things to people, but considers himself the victim in the end. No compassion, no anything. I don't need compassion from you anyway. I should feel pity for what kind of character you have, but I wont. Maybe one day you`ll look at yourself and see the real you. Not the one you tell yourself that you are. Maybe that day you`ll also realize the huge amount of pain that you caused. I finally know that its not totally because of this person you chose to cheat me with and left me for that you don't give a damn. You don't give a damn because this is simply the way you are. You see nothing but yourself in everything. In all those insulting things you told me during the break up, when you said you look into her eyes and see yourself describes you perfectly. You both chose to lie and cheat on your partners and leave. Indeed, I could never be that kind of girl. I believe in love, honesty, open communication. I loved you with your good parts and the bad ones. Never expected you to be perfect. Love is not even the strongest word to describe my feelings. Too bad I didn't see this particular bad side of you. Sadly, its not that I choose not to see it. I never in my life met someone so heartless. You took everything from me and destroyed it in a heart bit, my love, my trust, my friendship. I`m telling myself daily that I`ll be able to get close to someone else again one day, but as much as I try to believe it, feels like I`m just fooling myself. You may be smart at your work stuff, but when it comes to your relationships with the others, there is nothing. You`re beautiful on the outside, but on the inside just plain ugliness. Its incredible how I spend almost half of my life with you and I just had no chance to see the real you. Its also incredible how I still blame myself for everything I`ve had done wrong in all those years, even tho it cant even compare to your actions. I heard no I`m sorry from you. I saw you looking at me with the coldest eyes in the world. When your eyes showed some feeling, it was anger towards me and pity for you. What kind of person are you? Well, I know, the one who doesn't even care if I`m alive or dead after 12 years together. Funny you can live with yourself. Sad that I still care.

When I went to sleep last night I was almost at peace with the whole situation. I felt so free for some hours. You were still in my mind every second, but in a different way. It was maybe because I was so tired from all the tears. But then I fell asleep and we were back together. And you told me again how you don`t wanna be with me because you love her. So now I`m awake, with the same pain, drowning in my own tears for one more time, while you`re so happy with your life and don't give a damn about me. I just want to be quiet in my mind and have no more feelings in my heart. I`m way too tired of having you in my thoughts every second, even after you`re gone away, without even looking back for a second. Why do I keep loving you? You don't deserve my love..

I feel like I`m slowly dying inside. You promised me you`ll always love me and be there for me, promised me I`m the most important thing in your life and your best friend and you will never allow me to run away... till the day you ran away. Now I`m just the only person in the world who you don't talk to, the only one you don't care about! All I have done was to love you and try to make you happy each day, be near you every second you needed me to... You are the one who lied and cheated, who took the heart from my chest and stepped on it on your way out to your new found love. You don't deserve my love, the place you have in my heart. I wish so much I could just make you disappear from my thoughts and dreams. Why are some people happy as a reward for destroying someone else? Why do I get punished for loving you so much? I can`t hate you, I love you too much for that. I wish you just at least give me a call and say you`re sorry.

I just hate she`s the one living the life I thought I`ll have with you I miss you so bad..

I miss you so much, my life is completely empty without you. Can't understand how could you hurt me so bad and then pretend I don't exist after twelve years. I wish this pain would go away as the days go by, but its just getting worse... why did you have to do this?