jul-els

If she’s fading out, just let it go. Never waste your time trying to chase someone down. Just mark it down as another person you met on your way to finding someone who you’re compatible with. 

On 5/20/2024 at 11:31 AM, catfeeder said:

I'd tell him I'm sorry that I didn't have a chance to get to know him better over the year, and I'd ask if he'd like to grab a quick coffee before school closes.

This. If he says yes, great, there’s your opportunity. If not, you move on. 

Fwb means you don’t get hurt or jealous. That’s the definition of fwb. This is more than a casual fling for you and you have become emotionally invested. You need to either disclose this to him or cut ties with him. He’s fine with the fwb arrangement. The two of you are not on the same page and you’re the one who’s going to get hurt. 

Your insecurities are causing you to read between the lines and see things that aren’t there. She’s expressing interest in you. Enjoy it. Take the time to get to know her. Relax. Be confident and take the lead. Let go of your expectations and just see where things go.

If you’re questioning whether you can trust him, then you can’t. I would walk away from this unless you enjoy being in a very messy relationship. 

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not sure if you're up for reporting her to the site -I'm sure using the dating site for her business is a no no.  I mean I'd be tempted.  I'm sorry she treated you so disrespectfully.

They always ask for feedback when you meet someone, so I did mention it. I’m moving on. 

33 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She isn't interested in dating you, and now you know. 

She saw you as business potential for herself. Next! 

Yup. Oh well. I’m glad I didn’t waste much time. 

So, she did text me today, the day before her group meeting. The only thing she said was to ask if I wanted to attend the meeting.

I replied, “I’m not sure if you’re interested in getting to know me, or if you’re interested in getting me to join your group, lol. I’ll pass on the meeting. Thank you (her name).”

She replied, “No worries.. I just feel awful because I haven’t done what I say I was going to do.. my sincere apologies.”

I texted back, “That’s okay, no worries 😊”

Huh. Okay. I guess that’s that, lol. 

10 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

It's not uncommon for people to rent that stuff or pay for it via instalments in order to project an image of affluence - especially when they're trying to lure others in to whatever their agenda is.

Be blunt and say something along the lines of "Thanks but I'm not interested in those events - but I'm definitely interested in you" and gauge her reaction.

I’m not that into her to say that. Her interest in me is pretty low, which doesn’t leave me much to be interested in. I’ve already taken her out twice. I’ll wait and see if she calls next week and if she does I’ll see what she says. I think this pursuit has run its course. 

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I get it her looks are keeping you there, but something doesn't feel right. You are a grown a$$ man, just tell her you are not interested in going to these events, you already have attended a few. If that scares her away then you just found out her motivation.

Really? I’m a grown a$$ man? I didn’t know that. Thanks for the update, lol. But yeah, if she asks me to the event again, I’ll decline. It’s a pretty good sign that she’s not interested.

I don’t know her net worth, nor do I care. But based on the fact that she owns a well established business, and the clothes and jewelry she wears and the car she drives, I’m sure she has more money than I do. I tend to agree with overall sentiment in this thread. Her intentions don’t seem too great. 

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You will know her motives in getting to know you by her response to your declining her "invitation."

What do you mean? I’m not following you. 

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

It's similar in this sense - she might be motivated to date you to earn a commission for bringing you in as a member so even if it is legitimate I'd see potential flags in her trying to get someone she just met -and apparently wants to date - to spend $ so she can make $.  The group might be entirely legitimate.  Her motives might not be.

As I wrote above -simple and direct.  "Thank you for the invitation and it sounds like you're really enjoying your new business venture!.  I might look into joining this group at some point and I am not comfortable joining now or through your referral."

Again, it’s not a scam/MLM group. Can we let go of this idea? That’s not what’s going on here. 

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Good.  Your response to her will give you all the information you need as far as her motivation in getting to know you. 

What do you mean? I’m not following you. 

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would keep both entirely separate.  If you really want to get involved in a networking group don't connect it up with this woman.  And tell her that nicely -don't mix business with pleasure.  My sense is if she's bringing this up this early her main motivation is business. I'm sorry.

I had one date many years ago with one of the very very successful members of a popular MLM - very few people were successful -he was one of them -and someone I knew confirmed this.  I had zero interest in his business.  I decided not to see him again anyway but my friend thought I was crazy since he was so wealthy. I didn't respect how he made his money -do you respect how she makes hers?

About 5 years ago I met a woman through a FB mom group and we had scary stuff in common.  She was involved in an MLM popular with SAHM and extremely focused on it. I was honest with her and direct "I will never buy anything from you, I have no interest in getting involved, if we get to know each other I'm happy to recommend to a friend who tells me she wants to be involved that you would be a good person to partner with."

We met with our kids -had a good time - she started talking about her MLM, I repeated what I'd said.  She later tried to add me to her MLM group and asked me to watch a video of it. I watched a very little bit, then removed myself from the group.  I was able to mostly keep her away from trying her sales pitch on me while I watched her over the couple of years soon start not doing well financially in this MLM (and spending her own $ going to "conventions"). 

It did affect our friendship from getting too close -she was so intense and involved in the business plus it certainly was a motivation in trying to befriend me.  So for you I would tell her "no thank you" (with no backstory so she can't do a sales pitch) and see if she's still into you.  If you choose on your own to attend a meeting without her referral tell her it's the no business/pleasure reason.

Just to reiterate, this is not a MLM scheme. It’s a legitimate business group. It’s a venue for small businesses to network, give and receive referrals, and to close business. 

On the subject of telling her I don’t want to mix business and pleasure, what’s a good way to word it? 

15 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Was there any flirting during the date? From either of you?  Did you discuss what you want of the dating?

That's a good way to stop her from asking you to go again. It's a good way to lay that boundary.

Not much flirting, but we did talk about what we’re looking for when it comes to dating. 

17 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

The second one.

If she hasnt expressed any interest in you then buying her membership(which I do have a feeling its a pyramid scheme kind of thing) than she doesnt have an interest in dating you no matter how many dates you manage to squeeze there.

I would also ask myself what is somebody like her even doing on a dating market. And also why is somebody way younger, way more successful and probably more physically attractive(no offence jul-els, I know beauty is subjective but from your story I gathered she is) doing with somebody like you. You are getting "hustled" there. And she probably uses "matchmaking" to network and not to date.

No, it’s not a pyramid scheme. It’s a networking group. Hers is actually the biggest one in my local networking community. I’ve been to a couple of their events. They have free events and also ones you can attend for a fee. Members get a discounted rate plus other benefits to help them grow their business. It’s the standard model for a networking group, that’s how they operate. 

I’m not trying to brag, but in the looks department, I’m certainly no slouch. I can attract women pretty easily when it comes to that. 

There’s no concern of her trying to scam me, at least not when it comes to her group. I’m more concerned with the possibility that she might be on board to get a few free meals and a commission. But like the other poster here said, maybe her intentions are genuine and she’s trying to help. Could go either way, I guess. 

I met this woman recently through a matchmaking service. I’m a little bit smitten, which is pretty unlike me. She’s eight years my junior and honestly I feel like she’s out of my league, very classy and has more money than me. Also very beautiful and seems like a nice person.

We initially met through the service and had a drink and a bite to eat. At the end, we both said we wanted to meet again. I called her twice the next week and got no response. A week later, she texted me and asked me if I wanted to attend her networking group event (She’s an entrepreneur, and I’m new to the field of self employment, and this is one of the things we talked about when we met). 
 

I took this as a sign that she was maybe not interested in me, but interested in getting me to buy a membership to her group. I said I couldn’t make it that day, and asked her if she wanted to go to a concert. She said yes, and we went and had a nice time. During the second date, she brought up the possibility of me attend her group meeting again. I said yeah, sure, and then quickly changed the subject. 
 

At the end of our second date, I asked her if she wanted to go out again, and she said yes.

So what do you think? Does she sound interested in me? Or does she sound interested in selling me a membership to her group? 

His intentions are irrelevant. Block and delete. Move on. 

My advice is not to entertain the idea of dating a co-worker. It could too easily get messy and affect your working conditions or your livelihood. There are a far greater number of eligible women outside of your workplace. Look for someone there. 

Just let it go. Not worth your time. 

Neither one of you is right or wrong for feeling the way you do about it. The question is does he respect your feelings? I’m this case no, he didn’t. That’s something worth talking about with him and something you should decide if you’re okay with. 
 

Edit: I just read the rest of the thread. You already know the two of you are not compatible. It’s time to move on with your life and find someone who’s more aligned with your values and philosophies.

You absolutely did the right thing. 100%. Keep moving forward and don’t look back. 

He says he will be happy with you or without you. Let him be without you. You know in your heart this is not what you want. Don’t waste any more time. 

…I’m not sure why. Disclaimer; this is kind of a long story, so here we go. About four years ago, my life went through what felt to me at the time like a major upheaval. My mother broke her hip, I was the only one in our family who cared, and I moved into her home and I took care of her while working full time. A year after my mother’s fall, she passed away and during this time I dated a woman who  had a mental illness and she severely verbally and emotionally abused me. My breakup with her coincided with my mothers death and I was left completely devastated by these events. At the same time, I was let go from my job of 20 years due to the pandemic. I was left lost, alone, and in a severe amount of pain.

I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I went out immediately and got a new job.  I worked there for a year, I hated it, and I quit. And I was back in the same spot, not knowing what to do with myself. At this point I decided to do something I had always wanted to do but had never  pursued for several reasons; I decided to become a massage therapist. I now love my work, and it’s one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself.

While in school, I met a woman at an event I was working as an extern, we’ll call her Ann. She’s Vietnamese, has been living in the U.S. for seven years and has been a massage therapist for 20 years. She speaks no English. I was attracted to her on the day I met her, and I got her card from her and booked a massage with her shortly thereafter. I didn’t care about the massage, I just wanted to get to know her better. I started to pursue her, and we went out a few times together. We would speak to each other using google translate. 
 

After going out a few times, I told her I was attracted to her. Her response was she said she thought I was cute. Sounded good to me, and reason enough for me to continue seeing her. At this point though, the already challenging language barrier started to break down further. She decided she didn’t want to use google translate to speak to me anymore, because she said she wanted to practice her English. The problem with this for me was that she has no grasp of the language, and when she would speak, it was completely unintelligible. I couldn’t understand any of it. This was definitely going to make it tough to try to get to know each other. I thought maybe I could express my interest in other ways. I would try to show her affection. I would give her my hand, but she wouldn’t receive it. I would try to kiss her, but she would refuse. 
 

So I asked her if she was interested in me and I mentioned how she didn’t really show much interest in my attempts to get closer to her. She said yes, but she’s shy and she’s a traditional Vietnamese woman, and I’d have to be patient with her. So I complied to her request and paused any attempts to show affection or warmth. 
 

And we continued seeing each other on a semi-regular basis. But I couldn’t find anything out about her. When I would ask her questions about herself she would just ignore it and talk about something else. If I ever said anything fun or flirty to her; same thing; no acknowledgment and just changing the subject. I would try to give her opportunities to get to know me better, and she showed no interest. She would only ever show interest in talking about two things; her work and her sadness. And the two things seemed to be inexplicably intertwined. She lives in a deep state of sadness that seems to be all consuming for her, and it is literally the only thing she expresses an interest in talking about.
 

I would try to be a friend, often helping her with very simple and menial tasks that any functioning adult would be able to execute easily, but she couldn’t due to her language limitations. During all of this there would be times when I’d want to kiss her or show her affection, but I wouldn’t because I didn’t feel like getting rejected. Eventually I graduated from school and entered the field as a working professional. Sometimes she would have jobs that she needed help with and she’d call me and give me work, which was great, since I was new, and I needed all the work I could get. 
 

Our friendship went on like this for a year at which point I started to see a shift in her behavior. She started calling me more often, wanting to do more things together, and even gave me a couple of gifts. I took this as a sign that she was warming up to me. On her birthday, I bought her a card and some sweet and simple little gifts and took her to dinner.

After dinner I gave her the gifts, and I asked her how she felt about us. She said we were friends and she didn’t want to do anything to ruin the friendship. She said she thought I was “approachable”, but she wanted to let things develop naturally. This made no sense to me since we had known each other for a year and all I knew about her is that she’s Vietnamese, she’s very sad, and that she works far more than she wants to. All she knows about me is that I’m starting a new career and I’m super happy and excited about it. And she knows what the inside of my car and apartment look like. That’s it. *shrug* I told her if she liked me, our friendship could be more, to which she replied, “no, we’re friends”. So I respected her feelings and I was fine with it. I just wanted an honest answer, and she gave me one and that was good enough for me. 
 

She then immediately texted me as soon as she got home, saying she was touched by the gifts, that she was sorry for rejecting my interest in dating and that I shouldn’t be sad. I told her I wasn’t sad, I just wanted an honest answer, and that I appreciated that, and that I respected her feelings. 
 

She then went on to ask me if she ever got a boyfriend, would I still spend the same amount of time with her, because friends are friends and boyfriends are boyfriends and two people don’t have to be in love in order to go together like that. I asked her why, did she have a boyfriend? She said no. I said if she had a boyfriend, I don’t think she’d be too concerned about how much time I spent with her, because that’s just the way it is when you get serious about someone. And I said, but you don’t have a boyfriend right now and I don’t have a girlfriend, so let’s not worry about it. 
 

Over the next couple weeks she started calling me more often and the number of favors she wanted steadily increased to the point that it was becoming unreasonable for me. She was asking for help with simple things that any self sufficient adult could do for themselves and expecting me to arrange my schedule around them. This was too much for me and I felt she was being unreasonable and I pretty much stopped talking to her. I’d had enough and I was tired of trying. 
 

It has now been a few weeks and we have stopped talking to each other. Although a part of me misses her, I’m fine with it. It was just too draining and I don’t want to be sad. I want to be happy. 
 

Im kind of baffled as to why I wanted her so bad. Because at a certain point, I really did. I guess it was just a physical thing, because I do find her physically attractive. I also thought the fact that we work in the same profession and are both really hard workers were great things to have in common. I also have empathy for her because I was also in that same trap of sadness that she’s currently in. The difference is I found my way out of it. I don’t think she wants to. But whatever the reason is, it was definitely not meant to be. It has now become another closed chapter. Oh well.