I hardly know where to start, i've been seeing this girl for 2 months now and its been great, i think tbh i was a lil too excited about it all at the beginning (first proper g.f ...aww ) but anyways, a little while ago we had a...well not an argument of sorts...but tension in the conversation was sorta bubbling up...she's going through a hell of alot in her life atm...sadly i learned that AFTER this encounter...so if ever she's upset when im with her now i purposely avoid provoking her with jokes, deep conversations etc.
After the incident however, i was stupid enough to wonder why i liked her...it sounds petty...it was...its just i couldnt see what i had done to provoke her (obv now i know) i started wondering if i did like her at all...jokingly at first. But then the thoughts got worse...its almost as though i'm able to relate anything of sadness in general to my relationship, for instance, i might miss her and it would upset me...but i stupidly start to wonder if im deep down just not enjoying myself. If only it were that simple
When im with her its terrific, just being with her is amazing, even just talking to her in on the phone or texting (not so much msn...i find it kinda impersonal and easy to accidently start a...tense conversation...in fact the first tense convo i ever had with her was on the internet) When she's gone i miss her, and obviously these thoughts come back.
To try and resolve these thoughts i tried to think of how i'd feel if we broke up. Now i KNOW i'd be upset...but i cant...y'know bring that feeling up on call...sometimes if i think of her and i dont get all butterflies or happy feelings i feel hollow...even though those butterfly feelings are expected to pass...right? Basically when i'm with her everything is good, when im not its not and i wonder if thats the fault of the relationship. Alot of the time i can beat these thoughts with reason...but recently i'v looked from a different angle: even though i know i love being with her...i fear that i dont and...i know what shes going through...she doesnt need some loser hanging around wasting her time...i feel guilty and that leads to sadness...which once again leads to me questioning the relationship...its like a constant loop. And it doesn't help that i'm mildly obsessive/compulsive...icing on the cake...these thoughts can come up randomly and bring my mood down...
I don't wanna leave her...i think...ugh its so confusing... has anyone felt like this before or...does anyone have any advice for me? i sound pretty lame...but its starting to get to me.