ibis90

I did sign up at the gym, it took me months to take the step, I will go on Monday afternoon for the first time since ages. Maybe it will do me some good. I hope it gets me out of the house a bit more. I walk the dog in the park every day, I usually see the same people there, I like that too. I think I will also try and find an agency regarding my work problem which does this sort of thing. I am not sure I know any in my area. Maybe these two things will help me along a bit. I am generally not a depressed person and when I was diagnosed I was actually surprised. It felt like grief and I was having pains in my body which seemed to arrive overnight, my blood pressure was also showing hypertension. You can't really see it from the outside with me but then again people really don't spend a lot of time alone with me.

I have always tried to be the nicest most honest person while dating. I do not play games, I used to be open and sincere but I have noticed I am beginning to be spiteful and bitter. It's been nearly 7 years that I had a relationship which lastest over a month. The last was with a man who cheated on me for three of six years. He did everything in his power to make me to stay and I did setting several conditions and therapy. During this time he admitted a lot to me and we tried and tried to make it work. However after trying for three years the former 'woman' he told me he wasnt seeing called me to say she had become preganant by him. I left him. It was a very difficult experience and it took me 2 years to fully regain my trust. People say I am a really lovely, beautiful woman. In fact when you ask my friends why I am single they really blank out. However I just cannot understand what is happening to me. I am now 36 and I just see life passing me by. Now my parents have also gotten really ill and so I care for them when I can because there is no one else. Everything I ever wished I realize is never going to happen to me. I live alone, I work alone from home as a private business consultant and try to make ends meet every month. People I work with say I am great and very talented but every job interview I go to I get the feeling they think I am overqualified or I don't get through the third call back as if a last minute sudden change of company direction. I have started relationships with dozens of guys, they always call back but after a few dates they close up and we can't even be friends anymore. They leave me feeling used and empty. I have heard every line in the book by now and have dated every type from artists to bankers. The last couple of times I started asking what was wrong with me and the guys say there is nothing essentially wrong with me at all but that they can't make a commitment. It doesnt matter if they are 30 or 40 its always something like too late, too soon, they don't really love me, its them not me. They are usually all over me the first few days I am beginning to feel like some kind of disneyland attraction. Some of them can't even go out for a normal cup of coffee 'as friends' without it becoming sexual so they wind up saying we shouldnt even be in the same room together. I have started going out much less, I have been on anti-depressants since last october and smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I try and lay off the drinks because my doctor says this is a real priority for me. I am getting really afraid I am just giving up...but I am really tired of everything. I do have a dog which I care for so I have to go out at least twice a day but somedays its just all I have energy for.