DebbieR

Hi Rose, Thank you so much for the kind words and support, I really need it right now. I took my dog for a long walk and at one point I breathed a sigh of relief and said, "I CAN get past this." I would have walked through the fires of Hell for this man, and he basically just used me for the sex, the company, the excitement of it all. You're right when you say he didn't love me and I think somewhere I knew that all along, even after he said it once. Now I need to figure out what to do with all the time and energy I used to lavish on him and his needs and stop putting my life on hold and do something with myself. It's hard, though. I keep crying and wishing I had not ended it with him. I know it wasn't healthy for me, and maybe in time I'll actually feel it, rather than just know it. I take solace in knowing that I saved him, his wife and family a world of hurt and humiliation. That makes me feel at least a little noble, although I wish I had come to this earler rather than later. It's funny, I was married for 35 years and have no problem getting over that, but this 1 year affair is killing me, and has really torn me apart. I have never felt a love like this and it hurts so bad. I keep telling myself, baby steps, baby steps... Thank you, Rose! Hugs to you, too. deb

He started out as my friend, then became my best friend and helped me get out of a really bad marriage by giving me courage, support, encouragement, a sense of worth, etc. Then we started getting physical and he had to sneak around all the time to see me. That was a really bad feeling for me as well as for him. He was jealous and I couldn't go anywhere as he didn't know where I was or what I was doing, so I had to e-mail him every hour or so to be accountable to him. I have spent a fortune feeding him, buying him gifts, phones so he could keep track of me all the time. The physical stuff has only been since October of '06, but it was wrong and I always felt horrible afterward. I finally broke off all contact yesterday and am in a world of pain. I didn't want his wife or family to find out. It would have devastated him to lose it all after 25 years of building a life. I felt this man was made for me and fell completely in love with him He is in my heart and mind constantly, and I have already told him so in an e-mail this morning. But no reply from him. I know I did the right thing, so why do I feel as though I should have hung on and waited for him? Why does it hurt so bad when he wasn't mine to love in the first place? How do I go on from here? I know I shouldn't love a cheater, but he is my friend as well and we work together, which makes it complicated. Help!