This is Horrible

i am the shyest person in the world.

last night when i was out 3 different girls were checking me out very hard and i still didnt go up to them LOL.

i just freeze up.

they wound up coming over and chatting with me, so it worked out, but i can sure use some tips on not being so nervous about conversation.

trust your gut and not your heart.

when you trust your heart ou do not always do the right thing, although at that particular time it may seem right.

i have come a long way in a little less than three months.

i went from not being able to function the first few weeks to now, where i am 40 pounds lighter because i am running 8 miles a day. i am eating better because there are no more big dinner dates. i am working on all of the things i need to work on to make me a better person. my character defects are still there, but i work on those daily too. i am getting my confidence and self esteem back but i am also realizing that i do not need to have a girlfriend to lead a fullfilling life.

i am not going to sit here and say that the relationship i was in ended with me having no fault. thats not true at all....i was plenty at fault, but i can now look back with a clear mind and see what my part was in ending of the relationship and whenever the next relationship comes along i will be sure not to repeat my mistakes.

i think that is why the dumpee can potentially heal more, but there is a course of action that must be taken in order for the dumpee to benefit from a breakup. sitting around feeling sorry for yourself after being dumped will get you no where.

if the dumpee takes the right course of action and doesnt look back i think they will heal more because the fate of the relationship ended in the dumpers hands and theyll always wind up with the "what if i didnt do that" question.

When I do feel it's okay to call though, should I? Or should I just let her call?

just continue NC one day at a time.

dont worry about tomorrow, next week, a month from now, 6 months from now, a year from now etc...

just worry about not contacting her in this 24 hour period, and do the same everyday.

you'll be surprised how you feel after a while.

i look down on girls sleeping around a lot, but i used to sleep with a lot of random girls with no strings attached. i do not do it anymore, but it is still a bit of a double standard.

i do not check her myspace, friendster, facebook or webshots.

seeing her in pics, happy in her new life without me will set me back in my recovery.

with that said, i found this site after my breakup and it has helped wonders.

so, in conclusion, the effect the internet has on breakups is a two-way street IMHO.

Good. Keep up with that menatility.

 

Wanting to be friends with her is still wanting her. It's just a mask for not being healed. When you no longer care about her is when you will be over her. Oh, dont get me wrong...you can still love her, but it will be in a platonic way. Trust me, that feeling, the feeling of letting go is the absolute best feeling in the world. I'm still working towards it and so should you.

 

 

Orlander

Orlander-

I have a feeling of not wanting to be friends, rather i want absolutely nothing to do with her. i do not want to speak with her, nor be her "friend" in the future.

what does that mean?

thanks.

it has been 2 months since she ended our 19 month relationship.

Sam-

Keep your head up. the beginning is the worst it is so agonozing its not even fair for someone to have to go through it. It will get better. I promise it will get better.

I was in the same seat as you two months ago. I thought I would never feel better and that I had just lost the greatest person in the world, but, in time, you will begin to get your life back and be happy.

we are here for you. put your thoughts down here. there are many good people here who have gone through and are going through the same thing you are.

God Bless.

Best.

Post.

Ever.

because i like the Yankees too.

and the Yankees have a lot more championships than the red sux

it is good to hear and thanks for the reply.

i am finding it easier to get back to the things i was doing pre breakup, like gym, job being with friends and all that other stuff.

everyone here is right...you feel better in time. i am far from 100%, but definitely better from 9 weeks ago.

i only hope that it keeps improving.

Hello everyone.

I was dumped 9 weeks ago. I had a really rough few days last week, I was very emotional and had trouble concentrating on things…it was a little like the beginning of the break up, the feeling wasnt as strong though.

The last few days, however, I have really been at ease with myself. I still think about her, but I am not beating myself up as much over what I could have done different and what could have been.

I do not know what I am doing differently, but I am feeling better.

Is this a sign that I am getting better?

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but this is the first time i really am going through a break up.

Thank you for replies.

This is Horrible

 

Do I really want to be friends with my ex again? NO, but I am the only person in her life that will tell her the truth, and someday (hopefully not for awhile) I know she will need that. I'm not going to hang out with her, especially as long as she is with the guy she cheated on me with. Maybe months or years down the road, when we are both secure in our lives we can be friends, but she was AWFUL to me.

 

I really shouldn't care about her anymore, I know this. That doesn't stop it from happening. I just can't turn off my feelings like she did. She had a few month head start on me as well.

my ex was awful to me too and i, too, still care, but after the way she was to me last week when we spoke, i am now thinking with my head and not my heart from this point on.

i dont care how secure in my life i am in the future, i want no part of her in my life. i know i sound resentful but that is the way i feel.

seriously, why would you want someone in your life who made you feel so awful for so long? common sense tells me there is no reason, and for me, it s time to start using some common sense.

i hope it gets better.

my ex broke up 2 months ago, and although i am really far from over this....some of the days lately have been so agonozing, it has gotten better in that time.

first 2 weeks i couldnt eat anything, couldnt sleep, couldnt drive my car and couldnt go to work because i was crying and upset the whole time.

at this point i am back at work. i am eating a lot, sleeping still is not that great (but i never slept well) and i still cry about it, but only once in a while now, rather than crying for the whole day at the beginning.

Strictly4-- i cant emphasize how important it is to maintain NC. i know it is hard, especially in the beginning, but you have to buckle down and do it. i have seen this analogy on here before...it is like an alcoholic trying to stop drinking- they cant even have a sip of alcohol or it all goes to crap....well your ex is alcohol to you. you must eliminate all contact from your life.

i broke NC last week and she was mean to me when we started talking and it set me back a lot.

maybe that is the reminder i needed that contacting her will just set me back, because now i am going total no contact- no myspace, blocked her on AIM, no facebook. i must totally remove her from my life totally.

and it still sucks so much for me now, but i think when all the dust settles that i will be a better person from this, but i have to work for it. i know that things wont change if i sit on my butt and feel sorry for myself. i know it is important to go to the gym, keep busy, do a good job at work.....if it is bothering me so much and i want to contact her, i write her an email, but i dont send it to her- i just send it to myself.

hang in there and you will be okay. i know it does not seem like it now, but the fog will be lifted and you will get back into the swing of things.

Oooh, I wouldn't bother trying to be friends with your ex. Why do you think you can be friends with her right now when the breakup is so fresh?

 

Self-sacrifice is overrated.

being friends with my ex is not an option. not now, and not ever.

when i am healed from this disaster why would i want to be friends with someone who put me through hell?

i do not think i will ever contact her again.

if we do run into eachother somewhere i will say hello and go about my business. i just dont see the point in being friends with someone who put you through so much heartache. to me there is no point.

i broke NC on thursday night (smacks myself in back of the head) and she was very upset...crying, saying she is not over me yet and she wonders about me all the time and what i am doing and how i am doing.

it was a huge step back for me breaking NC because i was healing...healing slowly, but getting better day by day. the last few days have been agonozing for me because i broke NC. i dont know how she is taking this now.

i will not contact her now for a long time, if not again.

she was the dumper, but i hope that not having me around will make her realize that it is hard to find a guy like me who would do anything in the world for her.

she may realize that, and she may not. i cant worry about it though. i just have to work on myself and make myself the best person i can be.

no matter how much two people love eachother, that is not enough.

my ex and i spoke about it last night, and we both loved eachother more than anything, which is why we tried so hard to make it work, but in the end it wasnt enough....and that is the hardest thing to stomach- that we just werent compatible on certain things and that those differences are what held us back from reaching our full potential.

block her on aim. this way you can not see her profile and away message and she cant see your info.

take her off your myspace friends and make your myspace profile "private" so she cant view it.

additionally, DO NOT look at her myspace page. i looked at my exes in the beginning and it just adds to the torture.

eliminating them from your life (including aim and myspace and facebook) will help you in the long run....so as much as it hurts now, i recommend that you do it, and save yourself a lot of heart ache and pain.

good luck with your situation.

With you all the way Numbhead. At that place your at right now, i'm gutted. Doctor has prescribed me anti Ds, but i dont want to take them. I'm seing my ex this evening, has we have kept things friendly, but inside i feel like dying. She dose'nt love me the way i would like her to, shes been hurt bad before and wont let anyone in her life. I am so frustrated

 

if the dr prescribed them you should take them. they'll help you...just do not drink.

hang in there...it will get better.

when i had my session with my therapist yesterday he told me that i need to forgive myself and not be so hard on myself.

he knows the relationship just as well as i do as we have been seeing eachother for four months on a weekly basis speaking about it and here is what he had to say to me.

"i was not happy in the relationship i was in and i need to not be so hard on myself for dragging it out so long. when i originally tried to break up with her five months in I should have trusted my gut then and done it. all i did was prolong something i wasnt happy in."

he also told me this-

"i was so frustrated in the relationship because i put her first in my life, always sacrificing and giving up things to make sure she came first. she did not reciprocate this, putting school, family and friends ahead of me, and this is what caused all of my frustration."

also this-

" i am so hurt now because i invested a lot and feel like i have nothing to show for it (duh). i must forgive myself and let go, and that will be the start of me REALLY beginning to feel better."

and here was the most important thing i took out of the session-

"she was not there for me in the time i needed her most. instead, the time i needed her most was the time she picked up, turned her back and said goodbye to me. do i really want someone in my life who will be like that. i was there all the time for her, but the one time i needed her there for me she left. do i want my partner to be like that?"

that really hit me and made me realize that she is not worth the stress and pain i am putting myself through. the breakup bothers me still, but today i feel a sense of relief knowing that i really didnt want someone like that to be my partner. i think i am really starting to move on now, and there will be no looking back.

I can't really listen to music anymore. What music I can listen to is the music my ex never liked. Seems ridiculous now as it's been over a year and she's moved on and is engaged. Don't know why it's still so difficult.

 

Orlander

the song that was our song comes plays on my ipod sometimes and i cringe when i hear it. it sucks because i like the song a lot, but i can not listen to it without getting all crazy and upset.

also we attended a concert and the artist we saw has many hits...i can notlisten to any songs by that artist either without getting upset.

i guess that music can really pour salt on wounds that havent healed yet.

4answers-

love yourself first and everything will fall into place.

you already have the happiness inside of you, you just need to find it....after that, no worries buddy.

there were a lot of those pop hits that my ex and i liked.

i can not listen to those yet without getting annoyed.

i stick to the rap and hard rock which she never liked, but i always have.

additionally, it is easier to work out to that type of music for me so i just make those playlists for my ipod.

and in my car i listen to sports radio....yes, i am a dork LOL.

A few people have mentioned to me that when they have been dumped, they end up finding someone better anyway. The theory is that you rediscover yourself, develop yourself as a person and learn a whole heap about yourself from the break up.

 

Then when yoou look back yoou realise that the new partner is way better than the old one.

 

Not sure whether this is a myth to make people feel better, whether it is objectively true (ie you really change for the better) or whether it is a matter of perception.

 

What do you think?

once the fog cleared from me i identified a lot of flaws not only in my ex, but in me as well.

you cant change another person, but you can change yourself.

i am working on MY flaws and next time i will try to make sure i do a better job of finding someone with less flaws because i think i will love even greater the next time!

It may have been the worst day of my life as well.

 

You hear it in all the movies, books etc that a broken heart is the worst, but you never really know until it happens to you just how bad it really is.

yea i know. i am 25 yrs old, but this is the first time my heart has ever been broken.

when this happened to my friends in the past, i was very quick to say "you'll be ok...just get over it."

it is one of those things that you unfortunately have to experience to understand.

it really is the worst feeling ever in the world.

on a side note, the gym has been helping a lot and the 45 pounds i gained during the relationship with the ex are coming off very easily LOL.

i recommend the gym to anyone going through this. you feel so much better when you start going.