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She's scared to death of what her life will be without my income although she'd NEVER admit that.

STBEx - since you all have been married for 19+ years and if she has been a stay at home mom, she'd most likely get permanent alimony from you...so if you make a good living, i'm sure she will be comfortable for the rest of her life.. if she doesn't remarry, you'll be supporting her in some way from here on out anyway...at least that is what i understood from my attny.

how are you doing? if all these things are true in your last post, why really hang on? go live your life the way you want...but then again maybe this is what you really want...some get caught up in the drama and really get used to it as a way of life...wishing you peace!

well said doyathink!!! You are on the mark!

i'm glad your daughter is doing well...mine did okay with it all after they saw where their other home would be...

and we chose not to have the kids around on "moving day" that image of all the stuff being carted away was not something we wanted them to have...and let me tell you it will be tough on you too...it was on me...but once he was out, it got better with time...

you will make it thru...stay strong and keep talking with your daughter!

just wanted to let you know that we are here anytime you want to post...you will go thru ups and downs but at least you are on a clear path to healing...no more waiting and wondering about how it will end up...

hope she will eventually come clean about everything but if she doesn't, you know you did all that you could...good luck and good healing!

you are in a tought situation....only you know how much you can take...as one of my best friends says one day you will know when it is time to leave....something inside you will snap and say i've had enough...you are obviously not there yet and may never get to that point.

it is a scary situation to be the one to say this is over...even if the actions of the other person deem it necessary...i still think you should get into therapy and talk about everything she is doing and why you feel the way you do...sometimes therapists can help you and/or her see what is going on from the outside...if she is doing crazy secretive stuff and her behavior has changed, you know something (not good for your relationship) is going on. A therapist could help you get to the botttom of it...have you gone to one? will she go to couples counseling?

the only way to heal your marriage will be for her to come clean about everything and be truthful...do you think she is will ever do that? is she capable? not sure a job change will change her behavior and outlook but even if it does, she will have to address this...if she magically changed tomorrow, could you go forward witout an explanation to her past secretive behavior? i couldn't, i wouldn't trust her...unless she came clean and made amends...good luck and keep posting!

until she makes up for her infidelity and proves it won't happen again.

there is no guarantee in life..and there is no way they can prove it 100%...i want to trust that my husabnd won't repeat his 2 affairs also...i have found that i have to give it time to see if i can trust again...but then again he is truly remorseful and doing his best to try to prove to me that he wants this marrige of 14 years to work...it is getting better for us now...but we have travelled a long hard road to get to this point.

you have to get into counseling...why won't you all try it? a neutral party can help you see both sides and let all emotions out with damage control in the room..it is really helpful...

i do agree wtih beec...at some point you both have to stop wanting to be right and focus on the marriage full force if you really want it to work...good luck!

i agree with bestrongbehappy...she will leave eventually if she is not attracted to you and is not willing to go to counseling to work on things...it is only a matter of time...do you really want to sit around for several years hoping that she will change and then find out that she is having an affair or leaving you for someone else? if she is not having an affair, i think she is interested in someone else or seriously thinking about getting involved with someone else...

my husband did this wishy washy stuff and moved out for a week and then back to say he needed me and the kids more than ever and then only to talk about leaving again a few months later...the whole time denying any affair and resisting counseling...but as my sister told me, almost everytime a spouse wants to leave there is someone else...and there was! got the proof a few months later and finally the truth!!! it is so hurtful and hard to go thru....take care of yourself and keep your eyes open...you deserve a committed spouse who is attracted to you and your kids deserve happy parents! good luck!

i wish i could believe him about the florist and the dinner..but no way...he has shown no remorse or wanting to reconcile with you...there is someone else as you know and i would continue your plans to divorce him...you sound like you are working on yourself and doing pretty well...

divorce, i bet, is such a scary thing but i do think that after it is all over, you will be able to start anew and find a spouse you deserve...

ask your attorney about the drug use issue...i would think that if he would not agree to your terms(as long as they are reasonable) and he gets ugly in the divorce (which i hear happens a lot) you could use that info to your benefit...you don't need to worry about his future "career" plans unless he is going to be paying your substantial alimony in the future...you need to worry about your future and what is best for you...

i hear that when the love is gone, it all comes down to the money with men and divorce...sure that is true with some women too...good luck and keep on course!

i understand what batya33 is saying to a point...you can have friendships with the opposite sex..it is when you start spending more time with the friend and confiding in them and telling them "secrets" or things you wouldn't feel comfortable saying in front of your spouse...her boyfriend may not be cheating but the environment for an affair to happen is there with the right chemistry...my husband starting listening to a co-worker compalin about her bad marriage and eventually they started telling those "secrets" and he felt more bonded with her and had an affair...i just think that sometimes it happens to people even when they weren't looking for it!

but i do agree with rocketgirl that emotional infidelity is a possibility and she would be aware and set boundaries if she is uncomfortable with all that contact....

i agree....emotional infidelity can be just as harmful or worse than physical infidelity...you should get that book i menitoned earlier if you are interested in reading materials ans statistics..it is loaded with them and so insightful! "not just friends" by shirley glass...how are you doing with it all? set any boundaries yet?

you are right...it is so hard to know what to tell the kids...we sat down and my husband told them that he wasn't happy with being married anymore and needed to move out to try to find out what was wrong.. (of course, he was having an affair and i asked him to leave) he made sure to tell them that it had nothing to do with them...they seemed upset at first (my son and i cried...my younger daughter seemed better with it all) i will tell you that when i drove them by their dad's new place, they seemed to be okay...when they could actually see how far it was and what their rooms looked like it, they knew it was going to be okay....and as hard as it was, i acted okay with everything too and i thank they took their lead from that...i did't fall apart in front of them hardly at all....it is not easy but you can do it...a therpaist can help you how to tell your daughter in age-appropriate terms...

as for her actions...they are deceiving and hurtful...i think that she is involved with him but only you can decide if that is true and what you want to do about it...i am sorry for your pain...did you ever get that book "not just friends" by shirley glass? if not, please get it soon....you will get so much out of it and how a healthy marriage should work.....even if not for this marriage it will be great for the next down the road....good luck and hang in there!!!

so i'm curious...no update...how did everything turn out? were your suspicions confirmed? i hope that you get your answers soon! you deserve peace!

thanks locke2121...i guess that means i'm still holding my "get out of jail" card...my horrendous mistake must be coming sometime in the future...and the smokies are so beautiful...wish i was up in a cabin in front of a roaring fire with a glass of wine and a good book right now....ALONE...i'm just kidding things are going okay with me....like i said...my husband is trying!

sure anytime...that is what we are all here for...i'm sorry that you are losing the humor in life...i hope that is only temporary....but if you truly feel the problems in the marriage are becoming too much and there is no light at the end of the tunnel, could it be time to get out? i now that is such a hard call to make...esp. if you have kids.

hang in there 2600degrees...one day at a time...i think that if your marriage doesn't work out, you will find someone you can trust in time...at least that is what i keep holding on to..but i also know that if my marrige doesn't work, i will enjoy just having "me" time...i used to dread that but the more i think about it the more comfort i have in just being alone to get to know myself better...i've spent so much on this marriage and trying to keep us together for the last few years that i really need to reclaim who i am deep inside...but i also know that i can do that married if i chose...i've already started by getting a part-time job (that is big b/c i haven't worked in 13 years since our first was born)...and it feels great!

you will feel better...no need to lower your expectations for the entire human race...we are not all bad! ;-)

wow...i didn't know your whole story...i'm sorry steelergal...as you know, i am pretty much in the same boat except my husband has come back to me again pledging his love and committment...i just don't trust him not to do it again eventually...he has done it twice in out 14 years of marriage that i know of...but we have 2 great kids and they deserve so much...everything is much better.. communication etc....but i still don't trust...probably never will fully again...he does say it was his fault (for not communicating his needs with me and reaching out to her) and has gone to counseling (couples and individual) he is trying to make it right...i guess time will tell...just don't know that i can ever let him get too close again b/c the pain just isn't worth it....at least not at this point in my life...

i know you will eventually get past this and move on! as my husband's affair partner told me after i told her i forgave her and didn't hate her, "what doesn't kill you only make you stronger, right?!" you will be stronger...we both will! take care!

yes...here is my mantra on this...go get a book called, "not just friends" by shirley glass....it is so insightful on this kind of behavior and how an innocent friendship can turn quickly into a full blown affair...

when you start confiding in someone of the opposite sex about your relationship (say things you wouldn't say in front of your sig other) you are stepping over the line and setting your self up to become attached to the other and pull away from your partner.

and it does not matter if the other person is married...my husand was married and so was is affair partner...she started sharing stuff about her marriage at work and then they started sharing more and bam!...an affair!

good luck...you have every right to set some boundaries for this behavior!

it is so hard when someone you love and trust breaks all that by betraying you either by infidelity or just walking...there is a book called, love must be tought by james dobson. i think it is geared more for married couples but a lot of helpful info...there is a little religious stuff in it but not too much.

i found that reading books on the subject helped me take different perspectives on what i was going thru and feeling. and i felt there was explanation and comfort in that. you might try it...if you have the time..sounds like you are busy with work and studying...

hang in there...it will get better and you are totally normal to have a period of setback...as for the snooping...i think you just want more info about why he walked out...do you know why he left? did he tell you? you do deserve that to put closure on the relationship...but some are so selfish and cowards that they can't face you to tell you...they just run...

hope you will feel better soon!

kermit, i think my husband probably feels the same except he says he does love me and wants to be with me forever now....but i know that there is no sure thing and everything could change tomorrow...i think once the trust is broken in such a hurtful way you just aren't as secure as you once were...but maybe that is not such a bad thing (i'm keeping my eyes open and listening to my gut...more aware)...trying to stay positive! good luck on your grieving...i think you will eventually get over this and move on...to your wife or decide to just go it alone for a while...good luck!

allie0264,

i am so sorry for what you are going thur...my husband looked me in the eye many times and said he wasn't connected to anyone else mutiple times...my gut told me otherwise but i waited until i had 100% proof about it b/f i finally believed it too...

we feel so devestated b/c teh person we thought was our spouse and committed partner turned out to be a total lying stranger...it is one of the most hurtful acts ever...and one of the most painful anyone can experience.

hope you can eventually find peace in your life after the outfall of it all...not knowing the details is so hard on teh deceived...i have read that we need the details b/c our mind will dream up more harmful images if we don't get enough info about it and obsess on it...my husband and the other woman told me details about the the affair (separately) so i was able to kinda put it behind me (you never forget it though)....but it took over a year! so be patient...you will get over this (with or without your spouse) eventually but it will take time...good luck!

i only wish people who visit this site could learn from this and not repeat this mistake...it is not fair...get out of the marriage b/f you have an affair...there is so much pain..you are so right!

locke 2121 thanks! i'm a tennessee woman (go vols!)...i'm trying to make this marriage work..we'll see...i'll definitely give it a few more months...thanks for your words of support and words of wisodom about men....

he says he is now committed to our marriage b/c it was not the love he thought it was with her..."she moving on" and other stuff they discussed...and i think the idea of breaking up our family is not soemthing he can really stand (he was out for 6 months and hated it...i asked him to leave after i found out) i think it is over btwn them but if i told him we were over, i think he'd call her to try to pick it back up...they had a strong emotional bond b/f the physical stuff happened...

i was still in love with him before he called her (hadn't talked to her in over a year) in oct a week after i had back surgery from a pay phone and had promised in therapy he wouldn't contact her while he was working on our marriage and didn't tell me until he got served papers from her husband for their divorce in november!...he did send her an e-amil saying it was really over and there was needed closure and copied me on it...but to me that was the final straw and i don't know if i can recover from that...i'm trying...just wondering if "the love" will come back? maybe with time?...i hope...

oh and i'm sure i'm not the wife...just a figure of speech...but yes...it is not reassuring when your husband's affair partner moves on to a new beau and then suddenly all of his "confusion" about the marriage disappears...you feel as though you are really #2...that is what i am dealing with myself!