pregnantkitty_1985

As for this situation- yes I believe he is flirting with them. He's done it before and he already shows with the way he treats you that he does not respect you.

 

But I think this is the least of your problems with him. This guy has an off the hook temper, he has broken your things and yelled at you, you are fighting him a lot, you obviously don't trust him (with good reason) and yet the only thing you seem to be focusing on is this one incident.

 

It is like you cannot see the forest for the trees.

 

What about everything else that's going on?

 

Do you honestly, deep down, think it is a good idea to marry someone who lies to you, treats you with disrespect, acts like a spoilt child, and breaks your things when he is mad?

Well, the other incidents are always on my mind too. I only focused on this particular incident today because it's a fresh incident, and if I posted all-in-one it would be too much of a jumbled mess. I see what you mean though. It's more of a ..."and here we go again..." sort of situation, as in problem piled upon problem situation. I see the forest for the trees (at least I hope so. Maybe I really don't. I'm very confused, the more I think of things the more complex it becomes, and the more 'what ifs' there are.) I just don't know how to handle the situation or what to do, without the ultimate "leave him" sort of thing. I think I'd rather be yelled at and have my things broke then have him flirt with other girls or cheat. . or something. I don't know. At least when he's angry at me it's because he's being paranoid or controlling and it involves 'me'. When other girls come into play, it's a big betrayal. He does break stuff and gets into rages but never has ever verbally abused me. And it bothers me that he seems to find young girls so appealing. I find that so morally wrong; that's something I'm very much against. The other stuff, like yelling and breaking stuff, well I've seen that sort of thing my entire life and while it sucks, it's not so out of the norm for me.

I think it's hard to say, because we weren't there. Maybe it was nothing and you're being totally paranoid. Maybe it was kind of strange.

 

The reality is though, you're agonizing over this. He told you it was nothing, you think it was something, and honestly you're NEVER going to know. It's a matter of trust, and imagine you life if incidents like this are going to be plaguing you!! He has violated your trust, it seems, beyond repair, so I think you should consider ending the relationship.

I'll know if I go talk to those girls, heheh. When he's not around to intimidate and put them on the spot, then they might be more willing to talk. Especially if I'm sugary sweet, which I will be because they've done nothing wrong (as far as I know.)

People on here keep telling me I should end the relationship but that's a really hard thing to do, and something I would like to avoid having to do, but I do want all this stuff to stop, and I want to be able to trust him and have all of our old issues resolved, but that's something that will probably only happen with counseling, which he refuses to do because it's so costly.

Well, I think a bit of friendly/polite flirting with the cashier is ok, even if she is young. You know, the jokey kind of flirting, not the "I want to get in your pants" flirting. I find people in the store, especially in the South, are very friendly, so it doesn't strike me as weird. I am 19 - and have men call me honey in stores all the time, and I don't find it lewd: IMO, they're just being friendly.

 

I just think that this behavior wouldn't concern you, IF you didn't know about all this other stuff with young girls. In light of that, I agree with Hope.

 

Disrespectful, violent, childish boyfriend + no trust = why on earth do you want to date him?

Personally, I think a grown man of 25 (26 in 3 weeks) would know better than to flirt with girls that are obviously minors. And I'm the type who doesn't condone my man flirting with other girls, so if he claims he doesn't, and doesn't want to, then he should respect that and not do it. I live in the south, and yes people are friendly, but I feel there's a difference between flirting and just being polite and friendly. He could be polite & friendly, (I mean, I don't want him to be rude to those girls or anything) but flirting, to me, is a definite no-no. Yes, it would concern me, even if that other stuff hadn't happened. Plus, the fact that the "minor girl" thing keeps popping up definitely concerns me. I've been a cashier before too and had many men (married, or with girlfriends) hit on me when their wives and gfs haven't been around, and I find it offensive! To me, there's a line to be drawn, and there's a clear difference (in my opinion) between flirting and being polite.

Also I think there's more going on then him just calling them "honey" or something.. I don't know, it's just what my intuition is telling me. Even so, a man his age should know better than to talk to an underage girl in this way. Why would he want to??

Sorry, I'm on a typing roll here. I'm not ranting at you or anything. Again thanks for the input.

One of my biggest questions I'm posing to everyone is, does it sound like something is going on, like he's flirting with those girls behind my back and was going to lengths to cover it up, as he's done before? Or was even going as far as to hit on them? (Why was that girl STARING at us before we even went to any register???!?) Or am I crazy??

This is a guy who disrespects you, flirts with other women, lies to you, and breaks your stuff when he pitches a fit like a child in anger. The same guy who broke your Christmas gift a week ago.

 

A guy whom you feel the need now to follow to the store because you don't trust him.

 

Why are you still with him?

 

No trust + no respect + breaking your stuff = no relationship.

Hope75, do you think I'm being overly paranoid or my assessment of the above situation was likely correct?? Or it just was coincidence, and due to past incidents I was overly sensitive, in your opinion??

I'm not sure why I am still with him, other than we have a lot of fun together and laugh together at times, and love eachother. He does show more affection towards me than anyone ever has. Other than that.. I'm not sure.

Sophie24, thanks for the input. Just wondering, what do you find totally normal about his behavior? I'm puzzled. Normal to flirt with young girls, or any girls/women for that matter, when you are in a committed relationship? Or you think I'm being overly paranoid?

I respect your opinion, but I'm not sure how I'm overanalysing it.

Anyone that has read my threads before has a good idea of the whole story, so I'm not going into past detail to supplement my story. (It would just take forever.) If you haven't read my threads before but still wish to advise, keep an open mind and don't instantly jump to the conclusion that I'm insane and paranoid, please. This is an entirely new incident but my suspicions take root in a past incident involving the same man and young girls.

Okay, my fiancee's car has been broken down like, the past month. So whenever he needs a ride to the store a neighbor takes him. I've just been sitting at home rather than go to the store; I know of his history (regarding stuff he did before I came into the picture) and past of hitting on the young girls at that particular store although he denies it like all-hell, but I figured, okay, be trusting, he says he's not that person, and he's been on good behavior. So I didn't think nothing of it when he never really pressured me to come to the store with him like he used to. Probably because I'm usually like, "no, I don't feel like it."

Anyhow, the other particular night I decided to go help him pick out something for dinner, or we'd just be stuck eating frozen pizza. We went, got our stuff, was walking towards the cashiers when I noticed a short, petite, pretty young cashier staring at us MIGHTY hard with an odd look on her face. Almost like a ... peed off look. But why?

My man turned down the aisle on his left to grab some laundry detergent which we nearly forgot. I said, "Why was that short cute cashier staring at us reallly hard? Kinda odd, don't you think?"

He responded, rather annoyed, "I don't know! I don't even know who that is." I said, "You better not have been in here hitting on these girls or even trying to flirt with them. You know what happened the last time you tried hitting on a girl behind my back. I suspected everything and eventually the truth came out." He just told me basically I was paranoid.

Okay, maybe. That's quite feasible, being that I have a reason to be.

So, we got our laundry detergent and I shut my mouth and stopped questioning him. I instead watched and waited. The short, pretty girl had no customers in her line. The next girl (not so attractive) had about two. He walked right past the short girl who gave us the strange look and went to the next.

HMMMMM.

Before you assume this was purely accident, let me explain something to you about my boyfriend/fiancee/whatever. He is the world's most IMPATIENT person and he at times can be a bit "jerky". He will rush the cashiers or at least, complain in the back of the line. If there's anyone who's open, he'll rush right to them before anyone else can.

So why did he decide to go right past the short girl, especially when he claimed he didn't even know who it was? And why was she staring at us so hard?

Heh, yes I called him on it. In a way. I said, "Umm, why are you going to this girl's line when that other cashier has absolutely no people? Why did you walk right past her? Kinda strange to me." He sighed, annoyed, rolled his eyes, and said "Fine, I will go to her line then." So we went and stepped into her line, and surprise surprise.

Big surprise. Heh, not really.

The girl started smiling really big and said, "Well heyyy! How's it going? Is this your girlfriend?" She looked at me and smiled with this really huge "grin." "Did you know your boyfriend comes in here being such a (insert word beginning with a and ending with hole here.)?" This was said in a jokey, comfortable-with-the-subject (which was my man) sort of manner. He just kinda laughed (I'm sure he knew he was caught) and said "No I'm not," and was laughing and smiling right back with her. Probably trying to buy time to figure out what to tell me later. Heh.

She was like, "he's always coming in here acting crazy!" (or something like that.) And she started smiling again and the other cashier, then no longer busy, came up next to the girl and started smiling at him, talking to him too. Both young, teenage girls. The short girl was very attractive, she could have been anywhere from 16-18. She *might* have been legal, but it's hard to tell. She was clearly a teen, however. Surprise, surprise. He tried to tell me later on that the other girl who came over there used to be his neighbor, which is why she was friendly, but he didn't know that short girl at all.

I was like, "hmm, someone's being mighty friendly." And this was more of a comment directed towards him then her. I meant that if he didn't even know her and didn't know why she was staring at us so hard, then it's strange how he bypassed her line (deliberately) and the second we do come into her line, she's acting like she knows him well enough to joke with him? She thought I was trying to insult her and smiled and said, "Well it's my job to be friendly! I don't mean anything by it." And my fiancee rolled his eyes and said to the girl, "Tell her that I've never come in here hitting on you or anything like that..." She instantly shook her head (way too quickly for me) and said, "Oh no, nothing like that!" Looked away.

But, I think the girl was warning me somehow, or trying to let me on to the truth, or something. Because later on I thought about it and it seems to me that she was staring at us like that because she was surprised to see he had a girlfriend. Why? Maybe 'cause he'd been in there flirting with her, trying to chat with her? Maybe he wasn't dumb enough to directly hit on her (hey, let's go on a date, or hey, you look good) but obviously some sort of over-friendliness and such was going on because he's not blind and likely noticed her good looks. He can lie all he wants about not looking at other girls, but I'm really not stupid. He claims he's not like that and doesn't pay any attention to other girls, he has me and "that's enough for him, all he wants is me." Clearly not, huh?

When we got home we talked more about it (more like argued, our poor neighbor, we bickered back and forth the whole way home while she drove) and he kept denying even KNOWING HER. Kind of ridiculous being that it was proved otherwise. Then he started saying he never even went in her LINE before. Umm...

Why would anyone go to the trouble of denying such simple stuff, unless they did have something to hide? Those who remember my other threads must remember that the last time he was caught doing something, it was based upon my initial suspicions and his denials and his denial ever talking to that girl and so on, and it turned out to be oh-so-sadly-true. So I kept at it, and later he finally admitted that, "well, the other day I was joking with one of the grocery-baggers, and told him to stop being lazy, hurry up and take my groceries out, and that girl looked at me and called me an (word that begins with an A.) I just said Yeah, and? And walked out." This is his claim.

I must add in here that this is a revised version of this post, because it was deleted due to language. And the poster Aurian sent me the post with her observations of it, and said about this part: "Then why not say that earlier? I think he just came up with a good story. If he said it initially, I would have accepted it, but the fact he lied first before coming up with a "harmless" story tells me that this is another lie."

And I agree, this sounds like a good point.

Okay, one, why did you deny ever talking to her or even knowing who she was? Why is it that someone who's worried enough about being friendly to the customers would insult you by calling you an (word that starts with a). Clearly, when she was saying it to us (him and I) it was in a friendly way, a comfortable way. Someone who was worried about their job would know better to say that to a customer, unless she knew he'd be okay with it, and that'd be because they've been joking together before and she had gotten to know him a bit better.. you know... and felt comfortable enough to say something like that to him in a jocular manner, knowing he wouldn't get angry. Make sense?

I said, why didn't you mention this before? (Not that I really believed it.) He claimed it's because he "knows how I think." You know, just another way of saying I'm paranoid.

I said, umm, but why was she staring at us, and why did you deliberately go past her line when you NEVER wait? It's like you KNEW she was going to say something and get you in trouble. He claimed that after I told him she was staring at us, he didn't go to her line because "he knows how I think" and I would "think something" if he chose to go to her line.

Ummm...

But, if he deliberately avoided her line because I would think something based upon her "randomly staring at us for no reason" but he claims he doesn't even know who she is, or who she was, then how did he know to bypass her line? If he had no idea what chick I was referring to when I asked him then why she was staring at us?

Later on it was the same old spiel. "I Love you baby, I am not that type of guy, I would never do anything to **** up our relationship ever again, I've been on my best behavior, I want to have kids with you and marry you and grow old together, think of all the things I do for you, would I do all of that if I wanted to go get with other girls?" And blah blah.

The poster Aurian said that he was likely thinking with this motive in mind: "uh oh, she's mad. I know, I'll tell her some nice stuff so she'll let me off the hook again." I think so too.

And c'mon. I'm not that stupid. We have BEEN THROUGH ALL OF THIS BEFORE. I DON'T MISS A THING. THE LITTLEST OF THINGS, THE SUBTLEST OF THINGS, GIVE ME ENOUGH CLUES TO PIECE TOGETHER AN ENTIRE STORY. It never fails, I've always been this intuitive.

If he felt so pressured to act "bad" in front of guys before, what would be different this time around? Maybe the other guys (like the stockboys and bagboys, he knows all of them) were talking about that girl looking hot, and he decided to see for himself and then was trying to act cool in front of her (because she was hot.) to get noticed by her. To get the attention he craves. Because he does. Maybe she'd notice him and be attracted to him.

Or maybe he's noticed her anyway and while never hit on her, started acting friendly (a.k.a flirty) with her because he's attracted to her. So much for "You're the only one I want," heh.

Of course, he denies, denies, denies. Just like the last time. Why is it then, stuff always comes up?

Yesterday we went into that store again (I'm never letting him go in there alone if I can help it. Of course I can't prevent him from going but if I'm home and he's going to the store, then I'm going too.) he was acting suspicious yet again. This time my eyes were wide open and I made sure to observe everything. That girl wasn't in there which sucked, because I had wanted to ask her privately if he had been in here trying to talk to her. Something tells me that if he wasn't around to put her on the spot and make her fear losing her job, then she'd tell me the real deal.

However, when we got our grocery items, he bypassed ANOTHER cashier and went straight to a much longer line. Yet, when this guy opened his register in the middle, my man, the impatient one, flew to be the first one in that line. Yet, why did he bypass another cashier? This girl looked REALLY young, 15 at the most, maybe 16 but doubtfully, she was pretty and petite with blonde hair and really cute features. Uhhh huh. Her line was much shorter, yet he went right by her to some other girl's line, which was much shorter. Yeah, he bypassed the petite little blonde girl for the other line, which was much longer, yet BOLTED to the middle register when that guy opened. Why did he avoid that pretty girl's line? Because he knew that she might say something too? Something really friendly that would set off my suspicions?

Aurian said, "He could have been nervous about starting another fight by going to a girl's lineup", which could be true, EXCEPT the line he went to also had a female cashier, that one who supposedly was his ex neighbor. So either way, if he was nervous, he would have been nervous about going to that girl's line too. I think there's a specific reason why he specifically bypassed that pretty young girl's line, much like he bypassed the short pretty darkhaired girl's line the night before. She probably would have been friendly with him, because he's probably been in there being friendly and flirty with her too. And he knew that would be more evidence against him.

So, This could mean one of two things. One, he IS in there being flirty and friendly and charming with the girls, though harmlessly. He has a woman and he knows these little girls likely have boyfriends, but he likes the attention and likes feeling like a man, and likes showing off in front of his buddy stockboys and such. Trying to keep up his "cool" image. Though he claims he's changed. Pffft. He likely does find them attractive and flirts according to his thoughts but wouldn't actually hook up with any of them. And he knows he better avoid these certain girls he's flirty/friendly with when I'm around because I'll blow a gasket when they start talking to him and I'll start accusing him of trying to cheat, when all he's doing is flirting, which is equally bad in my book. Which, he also knows. But he still has to get his attention fix, even if it is from young, giggly, underage girls. It's insecurity.

Or two, he really DOES hit on some of these girls or flirts with them or has crushes on them and tries to talk to them, hoping that over time they may respond back to him and eventually he could date them?

Neither one or two would surprise me, he obviously has a thing for teen girls. Seemingly can't tell the difference. Or doesn't mind it. Just yesterday we were in the store and I went looking for something, and then went to find him. I walked up in aisle and saw an extremely pretty young girl walk by with her boyfriend (who um, goes to school with my 16 year old brother, and that girl herself I know is 15). Perfect hair, and body, and everything. Sad when an adult woman of 21 feels she has to compete with children! Anyhow, not a shocker, my boyfriend was strolling by with the cart and was looking right at her, head turned and everything, until he saw me and whipped his head back really quick. Someone who's going to be 26 in a month has no business checking out such a young girl. Of course, as always, he denied that too. Said I was crazy and all that but I SAW him. Who was he checking out, the guy? There was no one else over there. God, he must think I'm an idiot if he thinks I'll believe such a ridiculous lie.

I won't be getting any answers from him. He denies denies, denies, and lies, lies, lies. Even when caught and presented with evidence, he still lies his butt off until you manage to manipulate him and make him think the consequences of his actions won't be so bad, and then he'll tell you a half version of the truth. It's only after several months did I get the "truth" the last time, and I still don't know if that's the truth. I don't know if he really did want that girl and really did want to mess with her, or really did feel pressured into it by his bad-seed buddy.

So.. I have to investigate this.

What does everyone think?

She's right, it cannot be justified on the reasoning that "people look." A person can control that, and some wouldn't even feel the need or desire to look.

Errr, so basically she's just using you as a babysitter while she goes out and has

what she calls "fun."

1- She's neglecting her kids, which yes, is abuse. A reponsible mother wouldn't do such things.

2- She's using you. You obviously have a kind & helping nature and she's taking advantage of that. Wise up, buddy!

3- She's 19, you're 27. While she's legal and all of that, she's clearly immature, so I must make the case that she's a bit too young for you. You have obvious standards and she doesn't seem to meet them, or you wouldn't be posting about what she does. You accept "her' for who she is, but you don't like what she does. Well, that's clear incompatibility. Find someone a bit more older and mature who does meet your standards.

Miss Kitty, this is coming from a fellow kitty. I agree with you! Absolutely, 100 %. You have every right to feel hurt and upset and I would feel the same. Some people would not, but just because they wouldn't doesn't mean that you don't have the right to be. You're an individual with individual thoughts and opinions. If this is how you feel, then your significant other needs to respect this. He also needs to understand how damaging to your self-esteem this all can be.

I forgot to say that I will be coming back online shortly (tonight or tomorrow) to reply to the posts. A lot of people raised a very good point that I too should seek counseling.

You just posted recently about how much you loved that candle.

 

You knew it would end up broken? Everything that is yours and glass gets broken? He hits walls? Wow, kitty.

 

This is definitely unhealthy.

 

I don't think he's losing control during these moments. I think you both know how to get at each other (him breaking your things, you having your rampages.) This is the way you both treat each other and you both need counseling. This relationship is completely UNACCEPTABLE. You are both adults.... Violence is NEVER okay. And Screaming and Yelling is never necessary.

 

WHY ARE YOU STAYING WITH HIM?

Thanks everyone for the replies, I've just finished reading through and taking into consideration all posts. At the present moment I don't have enough time to reply to all, but I do have to make one thing clear.

I'mThatGirl, I didn't say I had rampages, I said I had a rampage that particular night, just to clarify. He is the one who has the rampages, everytime we argue. That one night, when he broke my christmas gift, I admit I snapped (he had pushed me too far) and went on my own brief rampage. It's the first time in my recollection that I had my own rampage. But you're right, even that was wrong, and it was unacceptable.

But I just had to make it clear for the record that I don't have psychotic rampages and stuff, heh. I may have my issues and probably do need counseling as you suggested, but I don't have rampages.

EK-

 

There are many red flags in what you wrote in a previous threads:

 

 

 

Throwing and breaking things....hmmm...that does not sound good. He sounds very controlling (not letting you go alone to see your friends/manipulating you to come home). These some hallmark cues/signs to abusive behavior.

 

Usually these things do not get better. They grow worse/escalate over time. You're very young. I would advise you to contemplate your choice of a mate carefully.

 

hugs,

hosswhispra

Can't the cycle be stopped with mental health treatment, though? I know it's not an instantaneous sort of thing, like a bandaid slapped on a minor cut, but over time, progress could be made and the cycle can be stopped.

I could be wrong. My experience is that regardless, most people never change.

One reason why I really like this site is the level of insight that people offer into my own character. I started realizing over everyone's shock about certain situations that I have become used to such types and that's probably why I just let it happen. My dad would break a lot of my stuff too (including a pricey stereo he got me for my birthday) and put holes in my walls. He was phsyically abusive too. I felt like there wasn't much I could do about it other than yell back at him.

I think counseling is a good idea, particularly for other unresolved issues too, but he doesn't.

EngagedKitty,

 

Hi, I don't mean to insult you (so I apologize in advance if I am) but perhaps you're being (overly) confident in your ability to defend yourself if your bf's anger escalates to a point of hurting you physically??

Nah, I'm not insulted. Maybe I am being overly confident but I'm pretty strong for a girl. And he's got height on him but not a lot of width, he's skinny and I could armwrestle him and likely win.

This makes me sound like a big butch girl but I'm not; I'm just stronger than him. Now, with the average male I wouldn't be stronger, so I'm just lucky that he's skinny.

if he is "blanking out" (his own words!) while in a rage, what makes you think he will know not to hit you?

I don't know, but I don't really think he is blanking out. I think he's just saying that. I think it's more like he becomes so furious that he doesn't care what he breaks, but I still think even so, he knows better than to lay a hand on anyone.

ok, if you marry him, don't you think he will break more than $500 worth of stuff if this keeps up? if he is so concerned about money, why does he keep breaking stuff? I think that counseling is cheaper in the long run. perhaps even the short run.

I think some of the things he breaks because he doesn't feel he has to replace. He's claimed before he 'blanks out' in a rage. I think he's not even thinking of the money when he does it.. I think counseling is a good idea, but he refuses to now.

I have to go to a meeting now, and wish I didn't have to leave the keyboard. Kitty if you get a chance please indulge me and tell me what psychiatric help you would be looking for (for him).

 

Also, why do you think he is breaking things - what are his core emotional itches that this scratches?

Have fun Caro.

I would like him to see some sort of counselor or enroll in some sort of anger-management. But I don't think anger-management courses are qualified to help something of this calibre. I think some medication would be in order. Of course I'm not qualified to say this, but a psychiatrist is. I think he should seek out a psychiatrist, not a regular counselor or psychologist, but a straight-out psychiatrist.

I think he breaks things in some sort of effort to have control over me, but also in a outburst of rage. Because from what I've heard, he's become angry at others before and reacted in a rage, so it can't just be the fact that he's trying to control me. That's a really good question though, I'll have to think about that some more before I can answer fully. Honestly I'm not quite sure what the answer is.

again, not good. if you are threatening violence against him, and he is breaking your things, this is a very unhealthy situation. I don't think you realize just how unhealthy this is.

You're right. But I didn't mean that I was going to start abusing him or anything. Nor would I ever really stab anyone. But if he ever tried to hit me I wouldn't take it, or run and hide crying. I'd fight back. That's what I meant. I know that's not healthy either. But what else could a person do if someone hit them?

EEK!

 

Is this good enough?

Stabbing him and stuff? Hehe. Or something else? I'm confused, not sure what you mean.

ok, so you have a pattern of dating abusive, violent men. I can understand why you are putting up with it, because you've never known different.

 

For me, I have a pattern of dating kind of passive-aggressive men. ie, when they are upset about something, they don't do anything at all. just kind of avoid me and won't talk about it. Which is at least better than dating a man who is breaking stuff! I have never had a man yell at me, or break my things. I have more recently started dating more communicative men, and when they are upset about something, they just tell me, in words, no anger, yelling, or breaking.

It's weird because he seems to be both aggressive and passive-aggressive. For example, if I feel there is a problem and bring it up, he'll avoid it and not talk about it or say "I don't want to argue." However, if he feels there is a problem, he'll start in. And I'll respond accordingly, and it escalates from there.

It might up the ante. Or alternatively put fear into him so he stops. But, that would make me no better so I don't feel that's the best approach. Though it's very tempting. Sometimes I kinda feel like saying, "Well, you want to show your psychotic side, well here's mine (expletive, expletive)" slinging knives and stuff. Heh. Or throwing fists. But like I said, that would make ne no better. I am very serious about the psychiatric help, and he even at one point contacted someone for help, but it was too expensive so he didn't do it. He said he has better stuff that he could spend 500 bucks on. He 'appears' to be open to it but comments like that show he's really not. I'm sure there's some sort of counselor or mental health professional that would not be as pricey. He claims he already looked into it and it's all too pricey and I must be crazy if I think he's going to spend that much to get the help (he needs.)

I have to agree with the others - get out now! I have dated many men, had many boyfriends, and never ONCE did ANY of them break a gift, punch a wall, break stuff, etc... this is NOT normal behavior. He sounds like he may abuse you one day also. It's not like abusers start abusing their partners from day 1. They do it over time, slowly. Otherwise, if they hit their dates on the first date, the women would leave.

 

yeah, this just sounds very scary, and let me assure you that this is not a normal average situation. most men do not behave this way.

My dad did and I've seen other guys in my life act like that as well, so I guess that's why I'm not as shocked by it as some people. Not an excuse or anything, but still. I understand that abuse builds up over time, but I think he will stick to damaging objects and not people. I think he knows I wouldn't take abuse. He'd end up stabbed. I've made this clear. I'm not a weak female sort, either. I'd dare him to hit me. Then he'd wish he'd never did it as he lay there broken and bleeding and crying in a corner.

That sounds very harsh but, it's true. That's what would happen if he abused me or my animals.

Luckily, my last ex destroyed most of my valued possessions, so I don't really have anything I value much. Except, my cats of course. Who I value more than anything material. I don't think he would hurt any animals but you never know. But, that would be and I swear to this, the ultimate dealbreaker. Breaking my material objects is one thing. Stuff can be replaced. My cats cannot be. I'd be out of here so fast the last thing he'd see would be the door slamming behind me. And then the cops knocking on his door.

I don't think he'll stick to just the candles; pretty much anything that's fragile or glass gets broken around here. I predict the replacement candle will become broken, as will anything else I receive made of glass (or anything breakable, of course.)

It's not always true but people who abuse things belonging to their partners often end up physically abusing the partner. I think you should leave him now - before Christmas not after. Many people suffer more abuse at Christmas because of the stress it can induce.

I agree that this is fairly common but I don't think he would abuse me. I'd whip his .. . (edit)