pregnantkitty_1985

I said that same thing to him, a guy doesn't have weird stuff like this just 'happening'- especially with such a past history of incidents. Urrrrgrh, I'm so sick of worrying, you guys wouldn't believe how sick of worrying I am. I shouldn't have to worry in a good relationship.

I'm definitely going to investigate the entire situation, he's told me "go ahead and talk to that girl, talk to all of them, you'll see, there's nothing going on!!" Heh, but haven't I heard such things before from him? That's a great idea, what you suggested for me to do when I go into the store. "Do not say fiance, it might stop her from telling you the truth if it's negative and she thinks you're in deep with him." Didn't even think of it like that but I certainly should have. Particularly because when he put her on the spot in the store, by saying "have I been hitting on you? Tell her I haven't been hitting on you", she instantly agreed and nodded her head vigorously. Probably to avoid conflict and the possible loss of her job. But if I follow your approach, I will definitely get the truth from her. Which is what I want!

I too thought Southerngirl's post was a good one. I have definitely kept it in mind.

I know I shouldn't have used sex as a way to apologize but I didn't know what else to do, he wouldn't shut up about how bad he felt, and it made me feel like a bad person. I wasn't sure what else to do about the situation. I felt like an abuser.

I wish that sort of conversation could be had, but when someone seems to constantly lie or say what you want to hear, it's hard to have a straight-up honest conversation. I was thinking today, I will never really know the truth about anything, it's all in his head. And I'll never know when to believe him or when to not. And I'll always be suspicious, even if he is being honest about something.

I definitely think that yes, when he's being all nice and sucking up and stuff that it's definitely related to his bad behavior, and is a means of manipulating me to stay. I've even said as much to him, but he of course denies it. But it's a definite pattern.

- Good relationships do not require you to make excuses for the other person's behaviour or engage in magical thinking to stay in the relationship.

- Good relationships are not about serious mistrust or violent behaviour of any type. These are the hallmarks of a bad relationship.

- Good relationships certainly exist, and they are not only for perfect or special people.

- I (Kitty) deserve a good relationship.

- I WILL find someone who is a great fit for me, and who will love me as I want to be loved.

*saying my mantra* It would be great, however unrealistic, if this relationship went uphill instead of even further down, and we could work all the problems out, so that it meets the standards in the mantra.

I read the PM again, I don't know how that one day I was all sure of what I was going to do and then now I'm all undecided/confused/not wanting to go/but at the same time wanting to .. it sucks. I really contradict myself all of the time. I don't know why. I am stressed. And it sucks.

You are really making me appreciate my boyfriend more, you should dump that guys and figure yourself out to see why you would even want to be with such an untrustworthy person. I know relationships are hard and you have to work at them, but sometimes a relationship is just not worth it. Do you just want to get married or something because I don't see why you would put yourself through so much misery. Relationships are supposed to be more good than bad and yours just seems to be all bad. Look at how much you have to post all the time. I feel really bad for you girl!

 

I was just saying to him earlier, when we were "discussing" things- mainly because I was angry at him again today for seemingly no reason, but it's really because of everything that's happened that I can't let go of- that it sometime seems like there's more good things than bad in this relationship. I agree with you, relationships should be more good than bad and sometimes it seems mine is all bad. He tried to state reasons as to why our relationship is so good, like we have fun together, laugh together, etc. But the main source of "bad" is all the negative feelings towards everything that happened and it will not go away. Not a good thing, at all.

So are you saying how you reacted that way because of anger you feel toward him?

I guess so, yes.

What is good?

We have fun often and have a similiar sense of humor (or at least, complementary sense of humors) and he certainly is not affection-shy, he is very affectionate and acts proud to be with me and usually will do whatever I ask, doesn't find most things to be unreasonable, and is loving.

What do you think, why you reacted the way you did?

I'm not entirely sure, I don't even remember it. Most of the night I don't even remember, just some vague flashbacks here and there. I guess I think I reacted like that because I have a capacity for violence just like any psychotic abusive person. I think maybe the anger has built up and in a drunken state, felt he deserved it for his "crimes" and he never really has "paid" for them. This is my best guess, because I do feel he never really has paid for what he did. That doesn't mean I want to hit him, though.

How about free counseling from a religious advisor, if that is appropriate?

I'm not religious, I live by morals, or so I thought. I wouldn't know where to start in finding an religious advisor, and then all of the religious stuff that would be involved would be irrelevant to me, and likely not helpful.

Yeah, and I figured out way before you wrote this answer why are you telling this story of you beeing aggressive to us - just to be able to say you're not better.

Don't go there with such lame excuses. I am not buying it. I updated my previous post I had something to add.

I'm not telling you guys to be like "Oh, forgive him for anything he's done! For I am no better!"

It's because it's an interlinking problem and it bothers me. I'm also making the point that, everyone keeps saying he's going to hit me and be so physically abusive yet I am the one who went there that night. What does that say about me? I'm not using it as an excuse to stay because I think I am no better.

As for counseling, in this immediate area, there's no one offering free services. Like I said, I am going to have a decent paying job soon and will likely take your advice and get some counseling.

Him breaking things, disrespecting you and acting like a toddler throwing a fit is abuse. He is abusing you.

 

The fact that you got violent with him only shows me that you are very angry. You are so angry that its past the point of return.

 

If it gets violent, which is certainly is, even on one side..... where its now on both sides.................. its time to end the relationship.

 

No, you dont have a child... This is true...

 

Its only you. So even that cant be used as an excuse to stay. You have no children with him so what would be stopping you?

 

What will you do if you did become pregnant ???? You cant possibly want to have children with someone you can not even trust? Its a hard road to be a single mother. I been there and did that.

It all comes down to this, there's a lot of good in with the bad.

I think you should get some professional help or counseling or at least see a religious advisor. Also consider whether you will be comfortable with a lifestyle of constantly checking up on your spouse - particularly if there are children involved down the road.

Am I evil though, am I as bad as you guys think he is, for what happened?? I feel crappy for doing it, I don't feel justified one bit even though he did what he did. I don't want to check up on someone for life, but something suspicious always happens. Always. And anything suspicious that occurs is magnified due to paranoia fuelled by past incidents.

You are too frustrated so all your anger went out under the influence of alcohol.

They say "in vino veritas". So now you can actually see how fed up you are with all this.

 

And you are not going to get a good picture of his behaviour the way you plan to do because you'll be suspicious about things that these girls tell you. The fact is you can't prove his inaproppriate behaviour.

What do I do then?? I am not that abusive violent person. I don't have the right to say anything about him now because I'm no better, I'm nearly worse (except I don't try to talk to guys behind his back.)

That is horrible what happened to you and your son, and it's great that you survived it, became stronger as a result, and married a wonderful man. It's like a lifetime story, struggle & heartache but triumphant at the end. You did the right thing.

However in my case; I don't have a child to worry about, just me. And I have said again and again on this site, he would not abuse me. Someone has pointed out elsewhere that just because someone throws fits and breaks things, doesn't mean they'll take it out on a person. It is a generalization to assume that they will, though I'm aware often abusers start out with breaking objects rather than a human's bones. But I know he would not hit me; I know this because I did a horrible thing and hit him when drunk. He didn't do anything back, I know this because a friend was a witness. So I guess now everyone can stop saying he will be a physical abuser because now I've crossed that line and become one. And it makes me sick to think of it, there is no excuse.

How do you plan to check up if something inappropriate is going on?

I'm going to question those girls, when he's not around to put them on the spot. I'm going to be nice and friendly, and ask them gently if he's said anything inappropriate or acted towards them in a flirty, come-on sort of way. I am not going to prod or push them or anything, to get answers. Just a direct yet friendly approach. I have a friend who works there and my bestfriend and I went into the store the other day, and I told him to watch out for me. He knows who my fiance is. He promised to keep an eye out.

Okay people, if it is indeed cool if I continue posting my complaints, hear this one out:

On New Year's eve my best friend came over. We all planned to have fun and drink, because we don't really do that often. Well, needless to say, yesterday I woke up with the most horrific hangover. Headache, nausea, fatigue.. etc. I had brief flashbacks of throwing up on our backsteps and a very vague flashback of my friend and I singing and dancing like fools. Apparently we finished off a half gallon of vodka (with some beers before that, too.) And apparently, I drank more than anyone and didn't stop.

Well, I woke up at 10:30am yesterday and went into the living room to get something to drink and some aspirin, and my friend was already awake. She was like, "oh my god, you were crazy drunk, you got so angry and ranting on and on about everything he (my fiance) has done." She went into further detail and explained something had set me off and I started bringing up the whole 14 year old girl situation and threw it in his face, and he tried to say "that's all in the past" and it did nothing but further enrage me. She went on to say that I then started talking about the grocery-store cashiers situation and his rages and etc. She said I got so worked up I kind of ..

went off on him and started hitting him, and stuff. She said he kept begging me to stop and she was trying to help because she knew I was beyond-drunk and didn't know what I was doing.

And that's scary, to think I have such evil in me. I'm not an abuser, I don't want to abuse him or anyone, the only time I'd try to hit him would be if he was hitting me first or getting in my face and backing me against a wall, or something. Self-defense, that's all. But apparently that night all my anger and pent-up rage spilled out due to the lack of self-inhibition that alcohol causes. What does this mean? Am I a bad person underneath but am good at hiding it, so good that I don't even know it myself??? He brought up all day yesterday how I attacked him several times (he didn't have any bruises or anything like that, nothing broken) and I felt guilty and bad about it. I didn't know what to say really, you can't just say "i'm sorry for attacking you!" and make it alright. So instead I just initiated sex with him three times yesterday although I didn't feel very good. I normally never initiate sex (it's the other way around) so he liked it. He kind of asked me if I was doing this because I felt bad about what happened.

Okay, so opinions, everyone's very straight-up, I want some advice, not just to talk it over or vent. What I did was wrong. I know this. I feel guilty about it and I wouldn't have done it if I hadn't of been drinking. That's not an excuse though, because a lot of people can get drunk and not become violent. Maybe it's hidden inner nature?? I don't even remember it happening. What should I do?

I have a question: what if he's really doing something again with the girl?

What will you do?

 

And I suggested you to go to theraphy alone in one of your previous threads. Have you considered that?

I would leave this time. Someone who wants a ton of different girls isn't for me. If he is someone who has made a one-time big mistake the first time because he was dumb enough to cave into peer pressure, then like I've said before, I am giving him a second chance. But if this second scenario also turns out to be true, well not only does it prove that he's a habitual liar and cheater, but also a liar and cheater with a thing for young (as in underage teen) girls. And I will leave. People won't believe me here because I keep staying despite other things, but I have a broke up with men before for cheating (and trying to cheat is the same thing, in my book.). So I definitely would. I would go to therapy alone and it would probably be beneficial. But I can't afford it, so it's out of the question. I'm about to get a semi-decent paying job so I would take it into consideration then.

Kitty,

 

Venting is something that we all need to do- you are no exception and you should continue to feel welcome to do so.

 

I think the consesus is that it is hard to understand why you accept this sort of treatment and only complain about it- rather than taking positive action on your own behalf.

 

It just seems like there is so much wrong with your relationship and the way that he treats you- so why NOT leave him?

I understand what you mean. I don't know why I don't. But I think I'm just as bad as he is so I guess someone could say "you two deserve eachother."

No, that was not what I meant - I did not understand your decision in continuing to post given your statement that you already know you need to leave, but somehow cannot. Now I understand that you just want to vent (although you asked specifically what we thought of the most recent events, so that was confusing). Venting makes a lot of sense, of course.

I see what you mean. I do want to vent but also want to hear what people have to say, too. I welcome the comments and advice and stuff. I don't always follow it (even if I know i should) but it does help to talk it out with other people. (Especially older people who've been there, done that.)

Please continue to post. You are more than welcome. One person's opinion does not constitute fact and if it helps you to talk things out then please continue to do so.

Thank you.

You know, I would think any man would love it if his hot wife got into bed beside him and started masturbating, or got in the shower with him, or came to bed naked, and the fact that he doesn't respond is highly strange. Maybe he should go to the doctor.

Then again, maybe he's more reserved or something, and the whole masturbation scenario doesn't work for him. You should come into the room naked and pull off his pants and take charge. Don't sit there masturbating, apparently it doesn't do anything for him. (I don't know why, but I guess that's just him.) Instead touch him or just go for the oral sex. See what happens then.

If this man does not get excited or hard over that, then you should take him to a doctor. Get his testosterone levels checked, or something.

I do have one guess though. With all the posts I see about women whose husbands/boyfriends don't want to have sex with them anymore, there's usually a culprit. Porn! It seems so prevalent nowadays what with everyone having the internet and all. A lot of these men who are addicted to porn look at it, masturbate, bust a nut, and they're good for the day, and turn down the sexual advances of their women, who normally they'd love to be with if they hadn't already drained their sexual energy. Could that be a possibility? He may just be hiding it from you. If he was normally sexually active and then it started to go way downhill, then it's either that, or it could be stress & fatigue.

Well, I'm not trying to get sympathy and stuff, I just post because it's a way to vent. It's also an attempt at sorting this all out, because I don't know what I'm going to do and talking it out with other people (even in the form of an online bulletin board) helps.

I'll take you guys' advice on this one, I'll stop posting the 'parade of horribles' and etc because there's no point. I'll only post on here to respond to other people's problems.

I think what DN said is pretty much the ultimate truth. I know I should leave but don't, and just vent on this website and probably will never leave and will probably be on this website forever posting about the next bad thing he's done, while the solution is simple: it's to leave, but I likely won't and will just avoiding the reality by staying in a bad situation and griping on the internet.

He is showing you his true self and that is not going to change. You aren't even married to him and you don't trust him and are on edge from his sneaking around. The other things he has done to you shows his disrespect for you.

 

WYSIWYG

 

Another vote for DTMFA

What's WYSIWYG?

Heh, you're right. I don't even know how I could walk down the aisle to someone who makes me this distrustful.

It's not that I think it's okay, it's just that it's hard to want to leave, and even harder to leave. I can't explain why. I don't really know. It's complicated and though I know logically I should leave and have every right to, it's just impossible to actually do. I am one of those types who can't let go, of anything.

I know that staying shows him it's perfectly fine to do what he does, but at the same time I wonder if a person with at least some sort of conscience would realize how much stress it puts on someone and would feel bad about it, and make a change. Wishful thinking..? Idealistic hopefulness of a reality that is not possible? Probably.

No, I don't want to live like this. It's.. not fun. It's more stressful and depressing.

Everytime I'm convinced I should leave, like everyone says, then he always manage to convince me that I shouldn't. Then the cycle continues, where everything is fine, but then I have doubts again, and then a big blow up occurs, and I want to leave, and then he panics and cries and begs me not to, and convinces me we can work things out. Yet, we haven't, because it seems every few months or so something new & interesting adds to the development of the story.

annie24:

 

Here's another vote for DTMFA. (Dump the MF Already)

Easier said then done, but appreciate the vote.

DN:

 

 

I think you know deep inside that you should leave him. But posting on here vents your feelings and allows you to avoid that reality.

Yes, it is a medium for venting. I'm also unsure of the answers, so I post here so someone can give me one.. or hopefully tell me that I'm wrong, or overreacting, or paranoid. This never seems to be the case, so I guess that's my answer..

Well, I think it's a fine line, and maybe he has a slightly different perception than you have.

 

But ok, and I keep going back to the same point, does it even matter what his intention was? The fact is, this bothered you, and it's going to keep on bothering you. You say you've told him this behavior is unacceptable, and apparently he's not adhering to the rules, so what are you going to do? Yell at him? Follow him around every time he leaves the house? That's not a way to live.

 

He may treat you better than anyone ever has, but trust me, you will find someone who treats you better.

He keeps on denying it though, which makes me doubt it slightly, but at the same time...

Then I think if I do go out and find someone better, I'd screwed up by not letting a person prove they can change.