naturals

About 800 miles. I am sorry that I have not showed him that I love him enough for him to believe it. I'm sorry I shut him out the way I did, even if it wasn't intentionally. I'm sorry ..just for everything I've done so far that hasn't been the right thing. I am not sure HOW to show it, because I am not used to this internet-phone ordeal. He really doesn't want to hear it anyways. He won't believe it if he hears it, he needs me to prove it. Not sure how to do that, that's why I'm here.

He had a Mardi Gras in his living room(you know, topless females) and I guess I'm old-fashioned but I don't like that. I didn't mean to, it was subconsciously, but I pulled away from him. I kind of shut down as far as telling him how I was feeling(not about him) goes. It was a huge mistake, obviously, because when we argue, he brings it up. I got over that. But he wanted to go see a friend of his that he had also had sex with(not while we were together). I tried to explain to him that I don't like that. I know he wouldn't do anything with her, but it makes me uncomfortable. He took it as a trust issue and.. Idk. To me it isn't trust. I know he wouldn't do anything. I understand how he'd believe it's about trust, but.. I told him if it'd make him happy to go. If it'd prove to him that I do trust him, go. I said I'd put aside my beliefs for him. He said no, I'd be lying to myself. I don't know what to do, lol. I'm so confused.

I really do not know what to do anymore. I am so completely lost. I haven't seen my boyfriend since before hurricane Katrina and we were both relocated to different places. At first, everything was good, but somewhere down the line, I started slipping up. He doesn't think that I love him anymore. He doesn't even think that I trust him. I'm really terrified that my relationship with him is going to be shot to hell pretty soon if I don't do something to prove that I do.. but what the hell can I do to prove that? I'm not sure about anything right now. He's so upset with me, he will barely talk to me. I do tell him I love him. I tell him how much he means to me and how thankful I am that he's there. I do everything I am supposed to, completely from my heart, as far as words go. But I don't know how to SHOW him that. Honestly, I thought that telling him would be showing him, but I was wrong. I can't just send him a letter apologizing now. I can't say anything, I have to show him. Saying isn't good enough anymore. I'm so scared. Scared to the point where I am BEGGING you to help me. I do not know what to do and I don't want to lose him.