Ross_K

Next is your homework. This is required reading. Read it over and over again until it stops being painful and you finally undersand. The truth hurts, but it sets you free.

the man with no spine

That's an interesting link, the thing is, how do you grow a spine though and how do I know if I need one as far as women are concerned?

I'd also like to add, that if you do attract a woman when you haven't got a spine I think there's a good chance she'll be the dominant controlling kind.

Honestly Ross, I thought maybe you were different and just shy or whatever. Now I really see the real you. A regular guy, just looking to get some. Sorta disappointing to be honest!

Well, what do you expect? I'm not asexual, I haven't been physical with a woman before like everyone else has, and I'm 30 years old, do you realise how sexually frustrated I feel? Don't I have the right to have the same natural human experience that everyone else has?

If you are seriously only looking for that, try adult friend finder or something!

I don't have a credit card.

Try and steer the conversation in a direction where he'd have to mention whether he's got a girlfriend or not. I know that's vague, but I'm sure some people on here could give some examples.

I said it on the page before this one. I'm going to get laid.

Well, that is a normal start but please don't hide online, go into the real world for a long long walk and just try to be friendly and say hi/hello/nice day or whatever it is you say over there. When you go out locally you will find someone. You're new to the area, everyone will know that and it will coverup the shyness you have.

 

 

Can't get anywhere? you've been on okcupid 1 day and have a crappy profile, unless you changed it.

I'm talking about finding people that're in my area or near my area on tribe and craigslist.

I'm going to look into lavalife more tomorrow.

I've made up my mind now, I want to look for some flings first.

I just need to try and find the right sites though, I can't really seem to get anywhere with tribe and craigslist, unless I'm using them wrong.

I usually always run out of things to say in general conversation.

Objective (Most of the advice given is from documentation and experience)

# Something that actually exists.

# Something worked toward or striven for; a goal.

Subjective (Ross is still here)

#

1. Proceeding from or taking place in a person's mind rather than the external world: a subjective decision.

2. Particular to a given person; personal: subjective experience.

# Moodily introspective.

# Existing only in the mind; illusory.

But wouldn't looking at things subjectivly be better? Since your real life experiences go towards how you predict things are, and how things will work out. Experience enables you to make better decisions. Also listening to your gut feeling is usually the best thing to do as well, instead of looking at things logically.

My gut instinct has turned out to be right way way more times than logic. And I'm worried about the fact that looking at things objectivley and going with that means going against your gut instinct, what you feel in your heart.

Thanks ta re saw, you're a diamond.

And hey, I'm smiling on my avatar.

That's infatuation, not love, since you want to bypass all the steps involved in the process because you started later than everyone around you and want to catch up. When you do fall in love for real, you will realise what I and others are saying to you.

 

When you got rejected at 6, that was a result of just mimicking your friend (peer pressure) asking her and that's very normal. There were no "love" emotions involved since they don't start until around 9-12 yrs. old on avg. and rejection from a 6 or 16 or 26 yr. old etc. is nothing to worry about, welcome to the real world. You have to learn from mistakes and experiences, not just sulk and mope around.

How the hell can you know what I felt?

As for mimmiking my friend, that wasn't the reason for why I done it, I really wanted her to say yes, I really wanted her to fancy me.

Like I said Ross, I think its all about re-training your mind. A good way to start the re-training process is as simple as learning your alphabet in grammar school. Practice. Start small. Excercise it.

 

Excercise it by just jotting down how you currently think of something and then for a week, everytime you see it or think about that thing, force yourself to think and feel the opposite of what you wrote.

I'll try it out. And this would really help me look at things more objectivley, be better at generating creative solutions and think of more things to say in a conversation? I suppose I can sort of see how it would work.

Where did you hear about this?

I'll look into getting the book.

the one aim of overcoming SA is to increase ur confidence in all areas of ur life, whereas focusing just on getting a girlfriend is stupid because that alone will not make u happy

It would, definatley.

What I felt was real love Ken, I would have put myself before her.

Looking at things from a different perspective. The hope would be to train your brain to be able to view things from different angles instead of getting stuck in previous thought patterns.

 

If you are unwilling to change your view point, you'll never look at things objectively and will have a hard time generating creative solutions or even on the smallest level, conversation....

So what would I need to change my viewpoint on in order to be able to look at things objectively, being able to generate creative solutions or even on the smallest level, conversation? I'd really like to be good at these.

I have had plenty of jobs before, and as for moving out, if there was an okay place for me right now in an area that I thought was okay, I'd move there right now.

I'm on medication and I will be seeing a psychologist. I'm also slowly trying to desensitize myself to certain things, just taking small steps, and push that little bit more each time.

But what would that achieve though?

Mmm, I think you were also making excuses like "I can't just move out, I have SA", "I can't just get a job, I've never had one before"

I've never said those things before.

So how do I work on myself, how do I feel confident/attractive?

I've already experienced love from an online relationship. And it doesn't matter too much about the sex being a let down, it's not just about the sexual pleasure.

Because when you finally do get in a relationship - and you will - when your girl asks you what your first time was like, you're gonna have to lie. And the lie will eat away at you.

 

Don't do it, man. You've held out this long, let the first time be a little more meaningful. Also, resorting to a prostitute can become habitual and soon you'll find you only view women as sexual objects. While some may view prostitution as harmless, I think enough studies have proven it's not. Prostitutes are way more susceptible to getting an STD (and thus, so are their customers), many are stricken with AIDS, and drug use and violence is rampant in their world.

 

It seems like a pretty seedy world to become a part of. You can do better than this.

What does that have to do with my quote though?

I don't know whether I would lie to my girl about it or not. And anyway, I think it's worth it, what if I wait and that girl never comes and I'm 40 and still a virgin, or 50 and still a virgin? I feel like my life's wasting away, I've already spent the whole of my 20's without ever having a sexual experience. That just feels like a shame, a waste.

I agree. You need your life before you can share it with someone else. And you can't rely on finding intimacy with a woman to make you happy and confident.

 

I think you need to find some independence before you get involved in a relationship. And having a job, going to school, improving yourself by joining some activity will also allow you to meet people in a neutral setting and perhaps ease your SA.

I have actually said that myself before, but everyone was saying it's just an excuse and to get out there now.

Yes, it's Ken, MacGyver is basically what i'm like in real life, nothing is impossible to do and I'm called that a lot.

 

Have you been to a club yet? then get your * * * * down to one quick! People don't bite (much)

I know you wont like this, and I'm sure you know what I'm about to say, and obviously no one is going to understand, but I have social anxiety, I cannot travel to a club at night and just sit there on my own in the corner.

Do you care about world events? it's not a lie

Yeah. But I think this with all the book reading makes me come accross as a lot more sophistacted than I am.

Are you willing to try things? it's not a lie

It depends on the things, but yeah it's true.

Are you shy? I made it look better.

 

 

"but I don't want to be false"

 

Nobody want's that but you need to "upsell" what you do have.

Most people on dating (unfortunately) sites lie like crazy about things they never do.

 

"I'm not really a book reading person though"

 

Then get some short stories to read, O Henry (author) has tons of short stories in one book and is very famous considering he was in JAIL when he wrote them and "O. Henry" was actually the prison guards name

But then wouldn't I be trying to be someone else?

Umm, "Encyclopedia of bodybuilding" sure fire book to attract the ladies? not...

 

 

How about;

Edgar Allan Poe? or my interpretation; Once upon a mid-day dreary while we all pounded weak and weary on the keyboards, giving Ross advice, there came a rapping,a gentle tapping on PM door....

 

Mark Twain, HG Wells, Henry David Thoreau, Jack London, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, Non fiction? historical? Lord of the Rings? Harry Potter? Lord of the Flies? Psychology today mag.? some weekly local scandel magazine?

Cosmopolitan magzine or the UK counterpart?

I'm not really a book reading person though. I'm all for making my profile the best it can be to attract the most women, but I don't want to be false, I'd be less likely to attract the right type of women, and once most of the women meet me they'll discover I'm not really the same as I put myself accross.

lol to the hand on the wallet thing -

 

Ross - did you really say a favorite book is the encyclopedia??

 

That's awesome.

 

I mean, a bit dry but you'll definitely attract the inellectual type with that one! And I DO like this picture better, but that's just ME. It's YOUR profile...

Lol, which picture? What about my profile?

McGuyver (Is it Ken?) thanks for the profile, I guess I could use it and tweak it to suit me. My profile was quite short, I find it hard thinking of stuff to say. The thing is though I don't really want to make myself come accross as not myself, if you know what I mean, it makes me sound a lot more outgoing than I am (I don't even go to clubs)

Welcome to life buddy! We all have disappointments and shortcomings. It's not an uncommon thing.

 

The point of life is to get through the obstacles without giving up. I really think you feel a lot of pity for yourself and that is something that shows up to everyone, especially women.

 

I dated a guy like you once who was all "poor me" and negative and needing constant reassurance...it got old...very quickly. I hated having to be his crutch and I dropped him.

 

Have some hope pal. Do you have some fatal disease you haven't mentioned to us yet? Then you still have a long life ahead of you to be so miserable and self hating!

I guess you're right, I think I do give up too easily and think I'm defeated and that's it.

Ross

Getting laid isn't your real problem, is it?

Yes.