When I was younger, when i would enter a relationship with a man, at first i wanted to win him, so I did whatever I could to woo him my way. Once he directed his attention my way it felt good for a while then the doubts would set in. Is he getting bored with me? Now that he knows me better, will he be looking for more execitement elsewhere? It never dawned on me that my jealousness was what was pushing them away. I am so super sensitive that when a woman flirts with someone I am with, I automatically figure they would be better off together with the other woman than with me.
It helps me in a relationship when i can talk about how I am feeling. Most men do not want to hear about how jealous you are feeling, so things are left unsaid.
The latest man to be in my life, I acted jealous over when there was no reason. So he started going on midnight walks, for hours. One night he pulled me up to him and teased me sexually, pulled me close enough to feel his hard on, then said he needed to get some exercise. He went for a walk at about midnight and was gone for an hour and a half. When he came back, I was ready to do business with the hard on he had enticed me with before he left. But he just rolled over and said he couldn't get it up again that night.
Immediately I felt someone had met him on his walk. I asked him where he had gone and he answered saying, "We walked down to the park".
"We, who?" I asked. He said he meant the 'Royal We' and that he had been on his walk alone. It didn't ring true though, he had had a hard on before he left, a healthy one, yet now he couldn't get it up again that night. That is somehting a man says right after he has had sex and he had not had sex with me.
It has eaten away at me and i wonder if that is what he wants it to do, so that i will be the cause of our breakup. He would not want his friends to think otherwise.
There is a woman I had allowed him to walk home late one night about a week before. I was trying to show him I was not possessive. I wondered if they had met again for another long, windy, midnight walk in the park where everyone goes to have a secret affair at night. I trusted the two of them, but then when he came home saying he couldn't get it up again that night, i felt he had lied to me and asked him again. he could not look me in the eye when he answered.
I mentioned this to him, that he could not answered looking me in the eye, when he did answered me, looking me straight in the eye, his pupils dialated when he answered, a sign that someone is lying.
He has steadfastly stated he was with no one that night, but all i can remember is how hard he was before he left and how he couldn't get it up again that night when he got back. He says if I do not believe him then we are doomed. I do not want this relationship to end, but seem unable to stop myself from feeling he has cheated on me. This is eating me up.
MysTerri
