Myrddin

I do love him and I think we both afraid to say it.

Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace.

Amelia Earhart, Courage, 1927

US aviator (1897 - 1937)

i feel that if i keep in contact with her, she'll like hanging around me. When I hook up with her, she's bound to get attached, and want to come back. Do you really think I should do NC? I'm not sure.

You missed my point goghan. By your own admission, you were pretty mean to her so what makes you so sure she would want to return to you. She's probably thinking: I'm gonna get more of the same if we get back together, so why should I!

I went out with my ex gf for 10 months, but I always pushed her away by calling her mean names, never calling her, or emailing her, etc.

 

Any hope to get her back?

Would you want to risk getting back with you, if you were her?

She never did call about our get together on Wed. I think that was kind of rude, wouldn't you say, but on the other hand she might be having a hard time dealing with her emotions.

I think you just answered your own question there OCD.

The fact she dumped you makes it just that little bit harder for her to approach you emotionally. She doesn't know what to expect if she lays her soul bare before you - that's why you have to make yourself vulnerable when you do meet to talk by opening up about what you have learnt about yourself. But remember: no 'let's get back together', no 'You did this to me', and no pressuring her to make a decision.

For the moment keep up the NC and feel for the 'nibbles.'

Two questions that need answering first:

1.) Do you want her back?

2.) What does she want from you?

The first question - well, only you know the answer to that one! If it's yes then it sounds like you are getting all the right signals from your ex.

Meet her. Ask her what she wants from you. You don't have to wear your heart on your sleeve to do that - play the ice-man til you're sure she's genuine. Then pretend to cave and watch the expression of relief on her face.

I don't think you can choose if you are romantically linked to both of them - you'll probably bounce from one to the other emotionally. The only way to be sure would be to break contact with both for a while. You'd soon know which was the one for you! Bit risky, I know, but at least you'd know for sure.

Thanks Myrddin for the encouragement. I feel pretty lucky that I've been getting calls from her...I don't know why she is calling me and she even apologized for calling so much? What does that mean? That must mean she's thinking about me, right? Well I haven't heard from her today or last night to confirm so I'm not counting on our 'get together' tonight. If she calls now should I just tell her that I've made other plans since I didn't hear from her? I'm not sure what to do and it sounds like she's confused as to what she wants...thanks.

At the moment a good analogy for the situation you're in would to think of yourself as a fisherman sat on the lake bank. You've baited up and cast out and are sitting patiently, waiting. Every now and again your float twitches - you can feel the fish nibbling at the bait - any moment now that floats gonna dip under the water and that's the moment when a good fisherman strikes!

You got to be that fisherman. She's nibbling. Be patient. Wait!

Well done OCD

Keep all your expectations locked in a box for now and resist the urge to contact her. She'll call again if she's really interested.

As for the 'talk', remember, it's about what you've learnt about yourself!

Hi TooBroken

I'm glad you decided to come back again. It's quite safe here - nobody knows who you are and nobody will ever judge you.

Please, tell me some more about yourself and the things going on in your life at the moment. I'm listening and I want to help.

Then what is a good letter??? I want to appeal to his emotions and how he felt for me once so that he can maybe give me a chance at a relationship. I did a lot wrong in this whole thing.

Dear......

I'm sorry!

yours sincerely.

I once got a letter like that and I was so intrigued I just had to find out what she meant.

My main reason for composing a letter is that a few posters on enotalone suggested to me that it would be a good idea to write him a letter telling him that I am sorry for what I did wrong and that I want to right my wrongs, so as to get a second chance and/or to clear the air.

 

I am not sure what the right thing to do is. I am scared about what to do. If I wait, he will move on and maybe find a new gf (if he hasnt already). I will probably see him again since he still has my cell phone and he still owes me about $1500, which I will have to work out with him how he is gonna pay that back.

Then write a short note if all you want to say is sorry - there's no rhyme or reason at this point to go into great lengths over why your sorry. If you feel you must write what about just saying: 'I'm sorry' and leave it at that.

He'll be intrigued and if he's still interested he will get in touch. Leave the recriminations for later. If he doesn't respond at least you will preserve your dignity.

I still think you should resist the urge for a while though - get your thoughts clearer first!

Take a tip from an old timer: there's nothing more alluring to a guy than a woman he can't have. Flirt with him and then ignore him - it'll drive him wild!

Don't send it! If you want him back you have to sit on your hands and wait for him to make contact. If he wants you he will make contact - believe me please.

If you send that letter you will push him further away and it will hurt like the blazes. It's too soon and your still in that stage were your emotions are ruling your head. Do this for me: put the letter in a drawer for a week. In a week's time read it out loud to yourself and decide then if it's the right thing to send it. But please, give yourself time. I've been where you are now many times, and and I know from experience how that letter will be viewed.

In my experience these letters achieve nothing except push ex's further away - and leave the sender more hurt than ever when the response is not what was expected.

How long have you been apart? Has there been any contact at all?

She needs to open up to me and show me what she felt during all of this. Do you agree? Thank you.

If she will meet to talk go with no expectations. Talk about yourself - let her know what you've learnt about yourself during the time you've been apart. Don't talk about 'us' - just you. Don't be tempted to get into the 'you did this' scenario. Be non-judgemental of her - if she starts to open up to you, tell her you understand. Listen carefully to what she says and take your cues from what she says.

If she meets to 'talk' half the battle is won - the rest is up to you.

Sounds like there's some pride getting in the way here. If she rings again ask here if she wants to meet and 'talk' - just that and nothing more. Be bold or you'll never know!

Send it before if you're gonna do it and then if you get a favorable response send the congrats one after.

So, I have realized some of the mistakes that I made. I have matured a lot in the last 2 months and I would like to have this talk with my ex. However if I ever get to the point where we meet how do you initiate this conversation. How do you talk about what you did wrong without initiating the "us" talk. I want her back but I dont want to say I want you back and this is what I have learned about myself.

 

I want to talk about me. How does one steer the conversation that way or is it just natural. Do I have to wait for her to initiate some sort of "us" topic or can I do it on my own?

I guess if she's prepared to meet you to talk then I would imagine she will expect there to be discussion about 'us.' If she doesn't want that then she won't be there! I would suggest somewhere public to meet so it's less threatening to her and less likely to get heated if it all goes wrong.

If she does agree to meet and talk then how about something along the lines of:

"This is hard for me to do but there are some things I need to get off my chest - things I've learnt about myself over the past 2 months."

If she doesn't get up and walk away at that point then carry on - tell her what you've learnt about yourself. If she's interested in reconciling she'll meet you half way, believe me.

my ex broke up with me, but she still wants to remain as friends, and even tells me that i'm still special to her(on the day of the breakup).

 

friends or nc?

There's only one question you need to ask yourself: Can you handle just being friends?

If the answer is no then you owe it to yourself to go down the NC route.

How do you know if your ex is ready to reconcile? Do they tell you? Do they start calling you more wanting to hang out?

That's a hard one to answer because every situation is different.

In my case I just knew - almost instinctively. I could 'feel' the pull from her - it was as if she was testing the waters with some of the things she'd say. It's difficult to give examples, but I could almost read between the lines of what she was saying - I suppose knowing how your ex thinks helps a lot.

I finally took the plunge and asked if she wanted to meet and talk. I thought it important to say 'talk' because it seemed non-threatening - I avoided any other mention of the relationship or our problems or getting back together at this point as well.

My gut feelings had been right all along - she jumped at the chance and we ended up talking for 3 solid hours, finally deciding to reconcile. What I didn't do at that meeting was beg, make promises or declare my undying love - I concentrated on acknowledging my own failings and mistakes and what I had learnt from our break-up and separation.

Send the good luck message as long as you have no expectations. If you have, it's going to hurt if the response is not what you wanted to hear!

Hi TooBroken

Please, tell me a little more about yourself and what's happening in your life at the moment.

Have you always felt this way or is this something recent?

Just wanted to let people out there that are in the early stages of reconciliation know that patience does pay dividends. It's so easy in the headlong rush of getting back together to forget that there are still negative emotions at play, with the fear of everything going pear-shaped again right at the top of the list.

My girl and I are now on the right road to recovery and a bright future together but I could easily have blown it in the beginning if I hadn't backed off a little and let her catch up emotionally.

I thought I'd share a few lessons that I've learnt in the last few days:

1.) Listen actively to what your partner is saying - it's too easy to just hear what you want to hear and miss the important stuff.

2.) Avoid pressure of any kind - don't push anything. Don't be too eager to arrange that first romantic date or trip to the bedroom - if you're listening properly, they'll let you know when they're ready.

3.) Give space to your partner - this is the hard one to do as all your being is crying out to be with that person again - limited contact at this point gives you and your partner time to work through what's happening between you without there being any pressure on each other. The old adage 'absense makes the heart grow fonder' really does apply here!

4.) Give your partner time - don't expect everything to be perfect from the outset - if there's been hurt in the break-up, it's not going to disappear overnight - it takes time to trust again and to start to let down your guard again.

5.) Re-assure your partner that you love, care and want them but don't go all gushy and OTT - show them rather than tell them - a nice back rub says more than a 100 'I love you's' in my opinion as long as you don't use it as a prelude to sex!

6.) And finally, be honest - with yourself and with your partner.

Good luck to all you lovers out there. And remember: if something is meant to be then it will be.

I guess when you put it like that Beec, you're right.

I suppose I'm just a few steps ahead of her emotionally at this point and maybe my expectations are running away with me to some extent. It's easy to forget that people move emotionally at different rates. So yes, you're right - time, space and no pressure must be the key here.

Thanks Beec, but I'm not sure that's the advice I was looking for - sounds a bit like playing mind games to me.

It would be nice to get a perspective from maybe a female who's been in the same position as my ex, as I'm a bit at sea when it comes to the female psychi. What is it a girl wants when she says 'don't rush me'?