Themis

If the discipline issues are all that get you down about teaching, then it is a workable situation. If there are more issues that you don't like about it and they tend to outweigh the good, then maybe teaching isn't the best path for you.

I know a few people with M.Ed degrees that quit teaching right away. Education level (rather than the type of degree) got them higher positions in their chosen fields. A lot of jobs these days simply require "a bachelor's degree from an accredited university" or "18+ semester credit hours of graduate level work," etc. Just food for thought.

Ah. Well, if I'm making one of those trips, then my hubby's coming with me. I'll look for blue tops.

I'm considering the IUD again after your response, RayKay. Maybe my doctor could help me with a temporary copper supplement plan to see in advance what my side effects might be like.

Don't deny the obvious.

What exactly do you mean by that?

try some different lubes as well. this may help with chaffing and tearing. it might lessen the pain or maybe rid of it all together.

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Any suggestions on what kind? KY gel doesn't seem to last very long.

I am on the pill. I didn't know it could affect natural lubrication, but it makes sense. I've tried the shot and nuva ring, but they had much worse side effects. I've wanted to try an IUD for years, but I haven't had a child and I would fear the hair loss side effect like I had with the ring.

You're right, we can't win, lol.

We do try to be creative and use alternate methods, but I think it frustrates him sometimes because it can take longer. It would sure be preferable to being sore, though, so I will talk to him about it. Who knows, maybe we can get even more creative and see how it works for us. Thanks for the suggestions!

We did go to marriage counseling for months, but we never brought up the sex issue. I guess we both thought it was directly linked to our other problems. I would hesistate to ask him to go back because I don't want to send the signal that I'm not happy with our progress, as everything else is wonderful.

Many couples seem to deal with the issue of mismatched sex drives, something that my husband and I also struggle with at times. He would like it more often while I'm about right with having it once or twice a week. I've always looked at the issue as something that can be helped with compromise from both sides: I'll do it more often than I'd like and he is generally okay with not having it every night.

However, I've had some issues with sex being physically painful. I have never been able to have sex two nights in a row without it being painful the second time. Doctors can't find anything physically wrong with me and we've done all of their suggestions. I also suffered from vaginismus about six months ago when our marriage nearly ended, however, it seemed to get better when we reconciled and he began treating me well again.

Getting to the point, I feel very divided about meeting his needs if I know it will cause me pain. I think sex should never involve pain, but its a reality for me if done too often or when I am not in the mood (ie if he wakes me up for sex, it will likely be painful for me). On the other hand, he has needs, too. If he's had a bad day at work or something like that, I usually won't refuse him because I know its something he looks forward to... and also to a certain extent because I remember how angry he'd get with me when I refused him before.

I would greatly appreciate other people's views on this kind of thing and how other couples deal with the issue. Thank you for listening.

I got married at 22 after dating my husband for three years. I seriously thought I'd made a mistake when we started having big problems early on. I figured we must not have been compatible and that I'd made a bad choice because I hadn't dated enough to know what I wanted. Things are wonderful again now that we've learned to deal with those problems and we are very happy. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I guess I've learned that there are many, many factors in a successful relationship-- that age and experience don't play near as big a part as patience, respect, understanding, consistance, willingness to try things a different way, and keeping the commitment... these are parts of real love that last.

Oh, I didn't realize that this thread went back a month. How did it all turn out?

End the engagement as soon as possible. You're going to feel bad no matter what you do at this point, so you might as well do the best thing for everyone involved. Maybe her parents could even get some of their wedding deposits back.

The separation "did" work in my case, but neither of us in our heart of hearts wanted a divorce in the first place, we just needed to work out our problems.

I, too, thought I needed space and no-contact to figure things out, but we kept daily contact and I think that is one thing that has kept us together. Now that we're apart we have a chance to miss each other, and with our very busy schedules our dates and time together is more precious-- it seems much better spent now that we're not taking each other for granted. I feel like I fell in love with him all over again. Now that we're dealing with our problems we can finally look toward the future and grow together again.

I would say to keep the communication open and keep trying. A separation is what the couple makes of it, positive or negative. Good luck, I wish you the best.

The funny part is, we would have eloped and done it real cheap in a second but our families would have hated us for it!

BellaDonna

I had the same experience. I didn't want a big party at all, I wanted a secluded beach!

We'd agreed to keep it reasonable, but my mom got a little carried away and kept ordering extra stuff. I'm her only daughter, so I let her. Ah well, it was a good wedding and I'm glad it made my family and friends happy. The beach will still be there when we plan out next vacation.

He is working alot. He is trying to pay off his debt. He is getting help for his depression.

 

You are spending time together. You are working on your relationship.

 

Why not? I say give it another chance, you are married afterall. You have nothing to lose from trying.

I think you're right. He has made great progress, so what do I have to lose? He did relapse a few times before, but this progress has been more lasting.

Come to think of it, I noticed a big change when we were out renting movies the other night. The store was full of obnoxious teenagers acting like, well, teenagers, which was usually enough to completely ruin his mood before. But this time it didn't even phase him. He hardly even commented about it and didn't look upset in the least.

We probably won't be back to marriage counseling for a while because right now he works all of the hours that the counselor has open for therapy. Our communication has been good, though. I can express myself constructively without him getting upset now, and I'm getting better at taking his occasional constructive criticism.

This resilience is a much better guarantee of your future happiness than any prediction of his or another mate's odds of hitting another rough patch.

I hadn't thought of it like that. I guess the glass is either half empty or half full?

Thank you for all of the replies, this has been very helpful.

Hello,

I've been married for three years and its been a very hard road. My husband became depressed and withdrawn even before we were married and it continued to get worse after we tied the knot. His finances were a big part of it and he started ignoring the debt and not making payments. He worked as few hours as he could and would come straight home to distract himself on the computer. He was extremely dissatisfied with everything.

During this time he also became emotionally abusive toward me: name calling, projecting blame, throwing things, very quick temper over tiny things, very demanding, even with sex. I was in hell-- working lots of overtime and trying to cover the bills best I could while I was in school. I quickly became a wreck. The only person I told was my best friend, and she told me to leave him when I told her some of the things he did to jerk me around emotionally.

We went through marriage counseling and things improved for a while and he started taking care of things again. But once we stopped, he stopped, too. Although the emotional abuse stopped, he started ignoring his finances again and wasn't straight up with me about it.

Then my mother became very ill and I decided to separate and move in with her to help out. This put my husband in a crisis situation because he couldn't afford to live alone, so he got a second job, but ended up moving in with his parents temporarily. I wasn't sure if it was over between us or if we could salvage the marriage. I just felt like I had no future with him if he couldn't be responsible about finances, among other things. Emotionally, I had one foot out the door. If he'd met someone else I would have been happy for him.

But I didn't do NC after we separated. We talk every day and take our dog for walks and rent movies and stuff-- things I couldn't get him to do with me often when we lived together. He's working 60 hours a week now and finally paying down his debt. He's finally starting to look toward the future instead of ducking his head day after day. He was on medication for a little while and said that its made a big difference in his anxiety.

He wants to stay married and build a future together. I want to stay with him, but I worry that he'll fall back into depression and put me through the ringer again. I've forgiven all the things he did to me, but I can't forget.

Am I doing the right thing by staying with him? On one hand, I want to honor the vows I made, even after everything I went through. I feel like we could have a great future, but it depends on him to keep up his end of things. He's my best friend, and in that respect, I don't want to let go.

On the other, I'm still young and could bounce back from a divorce easier than I probably could years down the road when I'm more invested... if thats inevitable. If things have been this hard so far, how do I know that they will get any easier?

I'm so divided. How can I know which way to go?

I agree that age is just a number. I think it matters far more for your partner to be on your wavelength, want the same things out of life, etc.

That said, the DUI is a huge red flag. Drinking issues ruin lives. Don't trust him with yours!

Thank you for your story, Mythy!

Just out of curiosity, how are parents on both sides reacting to the age gap?

Is she having a C-section for the third baby? If so, it could be one reason she's now considering having her tubes tied. I know my mom had a hysterectomy right after her C-section, since she was all opened up anyway.

I can really relate. I feel like I'm just now starting to "discover" myself and what I really want out of life...a year after I got married.

I want to travel and learn about the world, maybe try a different part of the world every year or so with my vacation time. When my time is up, I don't want to regret all the things I didn't do. I'd rather regret the adventures I did have, at least that is living!

Unfortunately, my husband isn't thrilled by my self discovery. I've since realized that he married me because he wanted to settle down, which is why I can't get him to travel. He doesn't even want to go on a honeymoon. My dreams worry him because he doesn't want me to leave him, so a lot of times he discourages me.

I don't want to leave him, I'd much rather explore the world over the years with him by my side! But if he really doesn't want to, then I have a choice ahead of me. Pursue my dreams without him, or make new, more "hubby compatible" dreams. For now, I just hope we can come to some sort of compromise.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I can remember one time my husband actually said something about this.

We were watching the last Surreal Life series and the ex pro wrestling female mentioned that a private sex tape with her in it was on the internet. Five minutes later, guess what my hubby is looking up?

We had both commented on some of her more masculine features during the show and wondered if she was on steroids to boost her shape.

So the hubby is watching the video and pauses it and calls me over to look at something. He thought the size of her genitalia was really big, possibly a side effect if she were on steriods?

AFAIK, the steroid conversation is the only reason it was noted. I never would have noticed either way, though.

Considering how many men out there are hooked on porn, I don't think its such an odd question.

I really don't appreciate swearing from any source. I don't like hearing it at work, seeing it in print, or hearing it at home when my husband is describing the day he had. But its always going to be a reality for me because its completely acceptable to so many other people. I'm probably never going to ask my coworkers or people on the street not to swear around me, so I'm prepared to just deal with it.

As far as it being disrespectful, I see it as a two way street. Respect (to me) is consideration and esteem for another person. So on one side, the swearers should really consider that other people might not want to hear it. On the other hand, people like me that don't like swearing should also be considerate in letting the swearers express themselves without feeling "stifled."

I would look for a compromise. Maybe ask him not to use the really, REALLY bad words in front of you and see how it goes?