Bugie78

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I see the business of dating as going on dates- seeing each other in person.  He told her he's not ready to see her in person and is not sure when he will be -that's in her original post -so far she hasn't shared what their plan is to see each other again.

Interestingly he's told her he was subjected to controlling women and a woman he diagnosed as being a man.  But - what accountability has he told he took -when he started dating her did he own that he might have had poor boundaries or stayed too long -and that he shouldn't subject her to his couple of poor experiences? 

He didn’t diagnose him as a man. I met the person because they are on good terms and he goes to see him play in his band he has, he goes by him/he pronoun now 😭. 

13 hours ago, bluecastle said:

I'm thinking there is some misunderstanding in this thread. 

When you used the term "break," did you just mean a weeklong break from talking rather than a kind of qualified "break up"? If that's the case, I don't think there's really a whole lot to be analyzing here: he was stressed, you gave a bit more space than usual, now you guy are back to business. Moving forward, you now both have a sense of whether these sorts of "breaks"—if my understanding is correct—are good for you and your relationship. 

THANK YOU! Finally the amount of misunderstanding in this is baffling. 😭. He never said he doesn’t know when he’ll see me again. 

4 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Bolded.  It's not, the problem here is that you're NOT his girlfriend at the moment, you're supposed to be taking a break, remember?  Read your own thread title again if you forgot. 😀

So why are you talking to him at all?  Let alone listening to his struggles? 

Leave him alone.  He's not gonna figure this out with you right there, listening to all his struggles.  

He needs to be away from you, live life without you, miss you!

I suppose that's why couples takes breaks, to live life without each other for awhile, determine if they miss each other.  Although I personally don't believe in them.

In this case, it's just him though.  You know you don't want this break and you've admitted you miss him terribly and feel incomplete without him.

You are not acting in your own best interests by continuing to talk to him while on "break."

I know it's hard, but leave him alone, go no contact.  Give him the opportunity to figure out what he wants and miss having you in his life. 

He's never had a relationship longer than five months.  Play your cards right and you may be the exception, and it's not by hanging around listening to all his problems while taking a break from each other. 

It defeats the entire purpose of the break. 

Bruh we already took our week break 😭. He also literally just texted me today how my day has been and told me how it was a easy day at work today which isn’t common for him. And guess what? He texted me first. I been leaving him alone. 80% of the time he texts me first. He been telling me all his struggles BEFORE the break. He introduced me to his friends, to his mom, (his dad died of brain cancer unfortunately), he drove me all the way to the shore an hour away. Few times actually. Last month was my birthday and he gave me 4 gifts all wrapped and had cake with me and my family and dinner with my family. He feels really bad (yes he said that) about the stress but literally that one week seemed to help him so far. I told him we will take it one day at a time. He’s not a bad person. He should feel comfortable talking to me about anything 😭. Also keep in mind one relationship he had he was saying the women was very controlling, a women he dated for a month didn’t work out because they weren’t a women they were a man trapped in a women’s body. I met them too because they were on good terms but they clearly aren’t into each other and he wanted me to meet them. (They have a band they play at which I attended with him). I also don’t remember if he said for ever or in a while. I feel he said it was in a while. This is my 2nd longest relationship. 

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Huh?  Isn't that precisely why you asked if he needed a break?  Because he was emotionally distant? 

This^ is not flattering.

He needs a break from being your boyfriend but in the meantime as he slow fades out, he turns you into his "best friend," "mother," "therapist" by telling you all his struggles? 

How is this appealing to you and how do you get that it means he gives a crap? 

Look this guy clearly has commitment issues. 

Longest relationship only 5 months at 28 years of age.

Sees you only once a week and apparently even THAT was too much.

Feels stressed and anxious, sudden "mental issues." 

Cannot commit to move forward but also cannot commit to ending it so keeps you in a "holding" pattern until he's ready to leave for good. 

The list goes on....

I'm sorry for being so negative but none of this is good or positive.

That said, you're intent on playing this out which is fine.  Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.  

If you get hurt, so be.  You learn for next time. 

No it was because he was stressed. Which cause him to be distant at least that’s what he belived and I personally didn’t think he was distant at all. Especially the two weeks before he said this to me we were cuddling on his couch watching a movie and yes he initiated the cuddling. How is telling his girlfriend all his struggles any form of acting like his therapist or mother. That’s what couples do. 😭. He still texts me first since the no contact 1 week break. 

20 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Also - if he truly wanted to be with you he absolutely would not risk telling you he doesn't know when he will see you again - risk letting his special person feel unwanted or look elsewhere -when he said that -if you now hang on - that's a huge turn off - he will know you'll tolerate being an afterthought, waiting around like an eager puppy till he's ready to deign to see you.

It's fine to have a relationship with a once a week date - if that works for both people.  So how's it working now -you want to see him and he doesn't want to see  you -and doesn't know when he will want to?

He never said he doesn’t know when he will see me again. He was saying he doesn’t know for sure how he will feel by Saturday. Idk it’s kind of hard to explain. That doesn’t mean he won’t see me the following  Saturday. I mean I’ll keep updated I’m kind of tired explaining this but I’ll keep things posted I guess. 

15 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Another copium. "Couple X did it and made it so its OK that he was tired and had no time to see me".

Which still doesnt reflect the overall quality of the relationship. Your other exes were maybe just bad or even abusive. Just because he is a tad above that, doesnt mean its a good relationship. After all, he left you. Oh sorry, "you are on the break" like in "Friends" TV show.

When we are in the relationship, that relationship shouldnt put a strain on us. But should enchance our overall life. It means that your relationship should have take his mind about his overall issues and be "the light of the day" for him. And instead he felt that its OK to break up so he could dedicate more time to himself. Even though you just saw each other once a week. He felt that seeing you once a week is too much for him to the point you are taking a break. Imagine if he had to see you almost every day. And how he would handle that when he couldnt handle your relationship once a week. You are lucky to get out of this one. Stop defending him and take care of yourself more. You got time for that now.

this isn't a Ross and Rachel situation bruh T-T. that's tv that isn't real life. We never broke up. Taking a break does not equal break up. He wasn't ever stressed about OUR relationships. He was damn stressed because his good friend was ghosting him and not talking to him and he has something wrong medically and needs a procedure done which puts a lot of stress. Notice how I haven't changed the story or anything? Because it is damn true. At work they been watching him like a hawk because he took too many breaks at work, which causes him to be even more stressed He has actually seen me on days he was completely tired and exhausted because he tends to be a night owl and can't fall asleep most nights. And other weekends he isn't as tired. 

1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Then how do you not know this stuff already?

Break = break up.

It's me, not you. 

Wanting you to be okay = feels less guilty when he makes his final exit. 

I mean it's just so predictable.  And read @boltnrunpost again. Especially re being the "cool" girl, the "understanding" girl. 

This is NOT the way to a man heart.  It's you being a pushover and doormat and not respecting yourself.  Trust me, he won't either. 

Look I'm not even judging, I've been where you are!  And I learned from it. 

because I never took a break before and neither did he. 

Break does not equal break up. I seen couples who done it and are still together. It can in fact work for the right reasons. I am the understanding type and I am not a pushover. I literally told him how I feel about this yesterday, that isn't me being a pushover.  

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm guessing you either suggested this "break" because you were hoping he would say "no, of course I don't want a break, I love you!" or because you thought that being "cool" would make him see how awesome you are. I'm guessing you didn't really want this "break". 

Instead you gave him permission to leave the relationship without a messy breakup conversation. He gets to feel good about how it ended. And since you were "cool" about it he can continue to message or call only when he feels like it with no obligations. 

And yes, I'm sure he wants to make sure you are still OK with this "break" and of course he probably cares if you're OK. But is he making plans to end this "break" and see you again? 

ofc I didn't want this break, but neither did he. He even said this to me. We never ended and are still together he literally texts me every day other then the one week we had no contact. He even admitted he doesn't want any negative outcomes to this too. I want him to feel like he can make his own choice and want him to not feel any pressure. We most likely are going to see each other again. 

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

OP I made excuses like this when I was your age. So in love with my bf and then it was on and off - his choice - when I was almost 26.  He was 25.  You know he did come back to me.  Committed. He even proposed with a ring when I was almost 27. Something told me to say no. Something told me his emotional distance from me too often meant I’d be lonely married to him.  Once I was not so over the moon crazy head over heels I started to feel this way. 
But - he - proposed right ? He did act into me a lot of the time.  Awesome chemistry and sex too. 
10 years after we broke up I found out why. Those years in his early to mid 20s he was quietly struggling. He knew he was gay and didn’t want to be gay. He told no one and I’d never have guessed in a zillion years. 
He told me this over coffee in 2003. I knew for sure he’d been faithful and I was the last woman he was with. He was so very happy with his partner - together 25 years now and married. Same year I married my husband. Guess what. To my knowledge he never needed a break from him and they have had many stressful situations. 
Because they are right together. We were not so any stress or whatever triggered a break up or emotional distance. Luckily I knew to say no. He’d wanted to get living a normal life. So much stigma back then   as compared to now. 
I know your Bf is not gay. But if he wants an actual break because of life stress he’s not your person. Maybe in years from now. Either he’s unavailable in general or unavailable to you. Who cares. Stop wasting these precious years. 
 

he's older then me though. And like I said I was the one to suggest, he even admitted he never took a break before. We do plan on seeing eachother again and agree it to only being a 1-2 weeks. He never was emotionally distant with me. He tells me all his struggles and stress that's why he needs space to gather his mind together. He literally asked to talk to me at a mall and he let off all his struggles he been having it's not emotional distance when a guy tells you his struggles. 

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Completely totally 100% agree with this^. 

To add, making sure you're okay = the less guilty he feels. 

OP how much experience do you have dating?  Is he your first boyfriend?

he's my 5th. Not my first at all.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

This^ was unnecessary.  We are ALL here trying to help you, we all "get it," and have all said the same thing in different words.

Step back, give him space, leave him alone, let him come to you. 

In my experience, a "break" means "break up."   That's all, YOU created the thread asking and I and all of us are answering.   

I'm sorry most responses aren't to your liking but we all get it, I assure you.  

All the best. 

when I said that it was in reference to people jumping to the seeing eachother once a week being a red flag thing. Which is NOT what this was about. 

28 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Making excuses for his behavior like @Andrinaposted but ok. 

 

they aren't excuses. He treated me the best out of every single person I have dated. He even admitted he doesn't want any negative (breaking up) outcomes to this break either. (just talked to him about this)

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like you are giving him the space he needs and he's staying in touch.  That's ok. Just stay in touch and see what happens. There's no reason to go on and on about your schedules because that's not the problem. The issue, he claims, is his mental health. So all you can do is what you're doing. 

THANK YOU! Finally someone gets it.  Fun fact apparently my parents when they first started dating they didn't see each other every week. And guess what? They been married 30+ years. Idk why some are so focus on that tiny bit of the story. 

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yup, it's quite common actually.  I posted about it on a different thread.  

Telling yourself stories to soothe the disappointment and hurt versus facing the reality that's it's not happening for him and he's on his way out.

I'm sorry too.  

there is no stories T_T. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also in the old days the gentleman picked up his date at home and took her home. So my dad who went to college full time and worked at his parents store and studied and had no vehicle would take public transportation all across town to pick up my mother and take her to dinner - they had no money to speak of so would be pizza or sometimes Chinese food then go all the way back to take her to her door. 
When I worked really late nights at the office - no telework possible - my boyfriend would come by when I took a short dinner breaks and we’d grab dinner in the break room and often I’d be so tired and all but he just wanted to be with me and I wanted to be with him. 

he lives 40 min away from me. I am too nice of a person to let him come all this way in order to go back to his place and back. No seriously he keeps telling me he doesn't mind, but I am stubborn and I rather not let him come all this way to pick me up. I drive to see him, and he drives to see me. We share responsibilities, I feel too much of a burden to let him do all the heavy tasks. He does pay for all my food though and tickets if the tickets aren't too expensive. However he once did in fact pick me up at my house to drive an hour away to a concert. And it was a lot of driving for one night I felt bad. 

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is how you know it's not the right match. 

Barring extreme cases (and his is not one), most people lean towards their partners in difficult times. He's backing away.

Can I ask why you suggested this? Breaks almost always serve to make matters worse, not better. 

I suggested it because I know very well how stress affects relationships. Like okay. So we took 1 week break no contact. He contacted me Saturday like he said he would to ask how I been doing and next day he was sending me pictures of all the different things he saw that day. Then monday after I got back from the city, we talked on the phone for 24 minutes and he seemed genuinly concern with how I am doing. He even said about the break that it's the worst case scenerio but he agrees, and seemed a little sad not joyful. He even hugged me tight before he left. If you are truly meant to be together then the break will in fact make couples stronger in the end. And see that's where you and I are different. During difficult times, I as well, shut down and don't want anyone near me. Or I pretend it never happen and let the stress of that fold into anxiety that does in fact put pressure on the relationship which makes the relationship end. 

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 I work out daily for my mental and physical health. And I am a mom and a wife and have a part time job. When my husband and i were dating we worked way past 5pm. And weekends. And unpredictable hours. And intensely. Part of the time he lived close by much of the time he didn’t. We made time to see each other most of the weekend even if we were getting work done and we would meet up at night even for a short time at least once or twice a week.
Working only till 5 and you can’t meet halfway once or twice a week to work out together ?  He can’t go to the gym daily if he wants AND have a girlfriend ?? He only works till 5. 

He’s checked out. I’d distance myself so you can start to recoup and have the freedom to connect with others. Please stop making excuses. 
I didn’t suggest you get married. I suggest if after 5 months of dating he can’t manage to see you more than once a week - doesn’t choose joyfully to make the time - and already is happy to have an indefinite break he doesn’t want to be with you badly enough. And therefore. Why bother. 

he only works till 5 who ever said that means I do too. I work mostly PM shifts, which ends at 7:30 on a good day. I literally work with dogs, so my time I get off is highly depending on that and when their owners come pick them up and how fast we can get done cleaning for the night. That usually ends at 7:30. By the time I get home, it is 8:00ish. Just because he might get out at 5 doesn't mean I do too. IN fact, I was the one to suggest saturday being our date time. And he literally agreed to me, and told me he will make saturdays a priorty to see me. We have blocked out saturdays because we just know we see each other. As with the gym thing, I have no idea if he can bring a guest to work with him at the gym. (didn't ask him yet, honestly its hard for me to workout when I stand on my feet all day long getting jumped at and knocked over by big dogs. But his membership might not even let a guest come. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If you work Monday-Friday there's typically at least once a week you can meet for an early dinner, meet for a walk, etc -you don't work 16 hours a day do you? 

He is not rare at all to wait to have sex.  Many people do.  Men and women.  What is rarer is his pattern of bowing out after a couple of months. 

Here's what I'm optimistic about -once you're no longer tied down to this fake arrangement where he bails because he's in the middle of life's stresses - you then have your options to meet people who run towards, not away from their new partners when life's stresses happen.  

I get he's saying "it's not you it's this external stuff" but it's all the same - while he took his break he wanted to work out at a gym and enjoyed it - a person who is so overwhelmed they can't be with anyone wouldn't be motivated to exercise like that much less at a gym around people.  

Also what is your boundary -if you're married with a kid with him or you live together and adopt a rescue puppy- are you good with him having a stressful week at work and bailing "oh it's not you but wow this week was so stressful - my boss yelled at me and then I found out my BFF is applying for my job and he's smarter than me and and and " so let's take a break - I'll help you find a dog sitter because I know you have to work this weekend and let's chat next week - I have my pilates class at 6pm so let's say - 7:30 while I'm on my way home??? Because that's what he's  telling you (or he's using it as an excuse -he is fried and stressed for sure -and -I'm sorry -you are not the person he is turning to.

He gets off at 5:00 on Monday through Friday. I sometimes (most actually) work the PM shift which means I work from 1:00 pm to 7:30 pm. By the time I get home it’s 8:00. He also lives 40 min away. So there isn’t actually any time between to go for dinner during the week. He also gets very tired after work and sometimes even past out from exhaustion. And he actually does turn to me when he’s stressed he tells me everything about all the stress that’s how I know it’s legit. It’s not a excuse to take care of your mental health. As with the exercise thing it’s his way to cope or heal his anxiety he’s been having. A lot of ppl use excerise to cope with anxiety it’s a actual thing. We aren’t married and we don’t have a puppy. I also don’t have kids lol. 5 months is too early for marriage tbh. We don’t live together either because again we only dating 5 months. 

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

understand each others struggles and can be there for each other as best as you can but unfortunately he seems more of a run away type instead of a stay and fight type.

 Since you really like this guy play it

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

I too think he's on his way out. My sense is he feels quite a bit of pressure from the relationship, doing his damnest to make you happy and  feel "complete" but it's too much and he's exhausted.  

Again just my sense, but your comment...

It's fine to miss him, I happen to LOVE missing my boyfriend, I love that feeling of missing him!

But you shouldn't be feeling "incomplete" without him or if it ends.  Again that's a lot of pressure you're placing on him. 

Learn to become 'whole and complete' on your own, with or without him or any boyfriend.

A relationship should enhance your already happy and complete life, NOT "be" your life.  Again, too much pressure. 

If you feel insecure or off balance about him and/or your relationship, discuss with a friend or therapist.  NOT your boyfriend, imo.

@SooSad33gave great advice, step back.  Show him through your actions and attitude (not words) that no matter what happens, you will be OKAY.

That will take much of the pressure off. He may begin missing you too and find his way back to you.  Possibly.

Good luck, keep us posted. 

 

He doesn’t know that I feel incomplete though as I never actually told him that. So there isn’t that pressure. He already told me that it isn’t me or the relationship but rather things outside of the relationship 

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I suggest you keep your own self busy in the meantime.  In this situation, I feel he isn't exactly saying he is done with you & this relationship, but he IS quite stressed & just needs a breather maybe, to get his thoughts processed, etc.

Look at it this way, he msg'd you/ spoke to you on the weekend, which is good! 🙂 .

So, can you go hang with friends/family more for now?  How about Xmas stuff?  Decorate, shop, wrap, bake etc?  Keep busy and remember to take care of YOU in this as well.

if he needs a breather ( some down time), let him have it.  I feel, in time he will come around again. Sometimes, guys need that ( to go to their mancave) 😉 . Without pressures or guilt.

No one knows for sure - but one thing is, that saying 'Distance makes the heart grow fonder'. IF he is truly into you, he'll be back.

Wishing you the best. 🙂 

 

Thank you for being optimistic 🥺 I appreciate that. I feel ppl jump to the worst conclusion without actually knowning them personally. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you both work? Live with parents or alone or with roommates? How did you meet? 

Is he recently broken up or on/off with his ex? What types of stress, health and other problems does he have?

Unfortunately it seems he's trying to break up, but doesn't want to hurt you so is sort of fading out with the "busy, stressed, etc." explanation. 

All you can do is give him space and see if he contacts you. 

I mean I doubt it’s a excuse because he’s been talking about this for a bit now. His medical stress is very valid because his dad literally died of brain cancer when he was a teen. We both work. He works Monday-Friday and my work varies but I always keep Saturday open. I’m force to work one weekend day as I work with animals. But I usually work 4-5 days a week. He’s 28, I’m 26. He lives with his mom but he’s planning on moving out in the spring with his guy friend. Ironically the place he’s planning on moving is actually closer to me. He was recently diagnosed with adhd and is now taking meds, which is stressful in itself. His dad died when he was young from brain cancer, and one of his closes friends is literally being distant with him and this is upsetting him a lot. It’s not new stuff that he’s been saying. We met on bumble. And nope he hasn’t with a ex. (At least not to my knowledge but I’m 99.9% sure he’s not) he did in fact contact me after week break to ask how I’m feeling so it seems he’s genuinely concern with how I’m doing about this. He also was asking what I been doing and gave me updated that he’s gonna need a procedure done and it’s his first time under anesthesia so that’s stressful too. 

6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Unless he's extremely young, like 19 or 20, this was a big red flag in itself, that he can't manage to last in a relationship past 4 or 5 months. Sounds like he likes to get to the part of being intimate, but then when things need to move to the next level, he doesn't want to put in the sort of effort that requires.

As another poster said, stress is a regular part of anyone's life, and after almost half a year together, a partner should be someone you can feel comforted by when stressors happen.

Sounds like your relationship has never even taken off as it should have. Only seeing each other once a week? That's stagnant unless your work schedules are so opposite from one another to make getting together almost impossible.

He totally agreed with the break, and his heart probably gave a happy little leap that it was your idea, plus the distance might mean less drama from you, and that things could go peacefully by the wayside.

You should have some self-worth and expect better from a partner. Take the reins in your own hands and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. The right guy won't need breaks from you, and will never let you go--not even once.

We have no choice but to see each other once a week. He works Monday-Friday. I work with animals so I’m forced to work on at least one weekend day and chose Sunday. And I been working 5 days as well. It’s the only day we both have all day wide open. 
 

he’s also 28. I’m 26. He’s also that rare type of guy that doesn’t get into that type of intimacy that fast. 
 

but in regards to his stress, he has ADHD like me. And with ADHD comes difficult managing stressful situations. It wasn’t new or suprisingly stuff he’s been ranting about the stress for a bit. Not the whole time but a bit. We actually never had any drama that would cause this. And so far he’s been very open and honest with me. 

Hey guys, so I am new here, because google isn't helping me solve this. But anyways I been dating this amazing guy for 5 months. We been going on dates every Saturday. Recently, he became distant a little, and felt he wasn't fair to me, even though I thought he was. And he's been going through issues outside of our relationship with his friend distancing himself from him, and with medical issues going on, as well as work stress, and I was the one that offered a break if he thinks that will help. Well he liked the idea, so we been taking a break. It's been 1 week break, and we agreed on no contact for 1 week and texting again saturday. Which is what we did. He did in fact text me saturday.

Then he asked me if I would like to talk on the phone to catch up on stuff, so because of our schedules we just had the phone call now. To sum it up, he been working on himself, going to the gym and stuff, and he wanted to know how I was doing, and how I was feeling which I admitted that as good as I can be, which I mean that very upset about it but trying to be calm about it and what not by distracting myself with other stuff. And his friend issue is still a thing, so because I am on the autism spectrum I tried to reassure him or relate to that struggle because people on the spectrum like myself, struggle in the friend department big time. He seemed quiet about that too which I think I accidently upset him which wasn't my intentions. (yes I already apologized and explained),

BEFORE the whole friend thing, he also admitted that apparently he's also trying to come to terms that this is the longest relationship he has had or at least in a while, and he explained how his ex was very controlling and what not which like I am not controlling at all, and he knows this, but he did say this during our talk. I was bold and asked him if there is a chance we will see each other this weekend but to my heartache, he said he is playing it by year about how he feels because he is still trying to work on himself or his stress and stuff. Of course he kept asking if I was fine, which like I am, but deep down I feel so much hurt that tears won't even come to the surface but I can feel it in my core especially because I miss him so freaking much and just feel very incomplete.

Does anyone have any advice for this that will ease my worries or maybe even happen to you and if things worked out. Like how do things like this work out? I am so scared, and nervous. I really really like him. And can use helpful advice please. Sorry this was so long it was a lot.