Alokinga

I just came back from a date with a girl I've liked for years, but never went beyond friendliness because I wasn't sure she felt that way. Now I'm very happy as we had a great time and she kept wanting to walk around more. I really like her, I haven't felt this way for a long time. The problem is that I keep looking for and finding things she says that put me in the friend zone. For example, at the end I said "We should go out again sometime!" and she said "yes, maybe another concert would be good!" which I then interpreted as "I don't want to just hang out with you without an activity because I'm not interested". Or when I say that I don't go out much she says, "don't you have friends you can hang out with? Like we're doing right now?"... this kind of thing puts me down because it makes me doubt that I can even believe in having something with her, so it's difficult to really enjoy dating. I just end up looking for clues that things aren't gonna work out. Any advice?

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

However you set this up, don't start makin the moves on her yet. It's a first date/hangout...doesn't mean it's for romantic reasons...you could be friends zoned and you don't even know it. So just enjoy the date/hangout, talk, maybe go out for a snack afterwards. Feel things out. 

Parents: Either explain to her it's a family thing and she's more than welcome to come along or like Wiseman stated get separate tickets if that is an option. 

Yes, of course... that wasn't even the question.

There's a girl who I haven't seen for a year who went to music school with me, she sent me a song she likes a lot today and we started chatting. I then sent a baroque piece I like and she said that she was never a big baroque fan, but she would like to change her mind. I told her I'd like that as well, to which she replied "then make me". I said great, there's an amazing concert coming in two weeks. She then asked if I was going to go, and I said yes, and she asked if I already got the tickets. However, the main thing that's a bit of a bummer, is that my parents are coming with me too since they also enjoy this music. So I don't know how I could invite her and balance that with my parents or just let her get her own ticket and try some other time. This seems like the perfect thing to get closer to each other since we are both musicians and I felt interest over her texts. What do I do?

Tl,DR: girl I haven't seen for a long time is interested in going to a concert with me, but my parents are coming too because we already decided to go together. Do I let her buy her own ticket and miss out on this opportunity or somehow invite her too?

On 4/12/2024 at 7:27 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Try to engage in more small talk, perhaps ask to go for a coffee or snack after class. Try to feel the situation out such as is she interested or does she have a BF? 

The problem is that she's not on the same year as me, that was a special lecture by an outside professor for all interested. And judging by her account, she either doesn't have a boyfriend, or she's hiding him really well (she has a lot of posts and stories).

On 4/12/2024 at 6:13 PM, Batya33 said:

If you follow each other -sure -but why not just wait till you see her in person again to continue the conversation? You know she is interested in speaking with you.  That's all you know now and all you need to know.

The thing is that this was an out of the ordinary lecture and she's not on the same year as me. So if I leave it up to luck, I may not have this opportunity again.

20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, I agree with this. You'll be in her class the whole semester, so you don't need to rush.

Didn't mention that this was a special lecture by an outside professor, and we aren't on the same year. So it's up to luck if I meet her again...

A girl sat next to me at a lecture this morning. Before it started, she asked me how I like college since she remembers me from a presentation for prospective students from last year. We talked a bit, she then told me she saw me at a concert two months ago and we talked about that and then the lecture started. She left in a hurry at the end, so we didn't talk more. Is that a sign of interest or just a random unimportant exchange? Should I message her on ig since we follow each other?

4 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

What momentum?  You have been dragging your feet since October.  

That said, if you can squeeze in a date before you both go your separate ways for Easter that would be good.  Just be careful you don't over hype expectations.  While you are apart be OK with not being in touch 24/7

Well not really, we started talking a lot more only last week. But I agree with the rest. Thanks

There's this girl in college with whom I hung out a couple of times (since October) with our friend group and since the last few days I think I'm starting to like her. We had some great conversations last week when we saw each other and I would like to see her again one on one. The thing is that I'm going away on Friday to visit family and I'll be gone for a week, which I'm afraid could make me lose my momentum with her. Should I ask her out in the next two days or is that too abrupt? 

On 3/12/2024 at 12:39 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

I didn't read it like he has a rigid mindset or that he believes she "should" act in a certain way, he posted he was 'confused' by her comment that he and her friend would make a great couple.

Which frankly after the way she had behaved the previous night confused me too!

Also to say nothing about pre-dating or dating or in life is absolute or black and white.  The real truth is no one knows what she's feeling or why she made the comment.

Since he is interested, all he can do imo is come from a place of confidence and be direct about his intentions as @yogacatposted, and let chips fall where they may.  And don't assume anything.

 

 

Thanks for being confused as well, felt like I was going crazy for a moment lol. Turns out she has a boyfriend (she told me that after I was direct and told her that her comments are confusing since I felt very special vibes the night before)... she told me she finds me cool and she'd like to continue hanging out. If I see her again, I do hope she tones down the flirty stuff, because I wouldn't be too comfortable if I was in her boyfriend's shoes. Definitely think her behavior was crossing some kind of boundary for someone in a relationship. But oh well, I do feel good about being honest from the start and clearing this situation quickly and painlessly.

On 3/11/2024 at 2:06 AM, Wonderstruck said:

Yeah, this was her way of trying to "let you down gently".

A lot of women don't feel comfortable directly turning down a guy, so they will resort to more passive moves like inviting a friend as a "buffer", in order to make it CLEAR that you guys are "just friends".

No woman who was genuinely interested in a guy would ever say "You two would make a good couple!" about the guy and ANOTHER woman.

She said that as ANOTHER way of conveying to you that she is NOT interested in being more than friends.

 

I would strongly recommend this.

And I would discourage you from "walking right through that", because "walking right through" women's boundaries and guardrails, that they have put in place for a REASON, isn't going to play out the way that you want it to.

If you DO decide to go, please don't be shocked or angry if she doesn't want to be more than friends.

And please respect any decision she makes.

This turned out to be the case. I directly told her that I didn't expect that she would be trying to play the matchmaker for me since I had a lot of fun with her, so she told me that flirting and stuff was only for fun since she has a boyfriend, but she thinks I'm cool and she would like to hang out. I stopped messaging her after acknowledging that.

2 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

 

Unfortunately as much as you like her & think that you clicked, the feeling is not mutual.   Her trying to fix you up with her friend is either a sh1t-test in which case you need to run or she doesn't see you as a romantic prospect.  

Meet up with them both if you like but go Dutch & have  zero expectations.   She's fully aware that you fancy her and if your affections were returned she would not be mentioning the friend (competition) let alone bringing her along. 

Sorry

It's weird because I don't remember the last time a girl seemed this interested in me... she may know that her friend is interested in me (she always initiated our hangouts) and may feel weird about getting in between us, especially since we met thanks to her. But I never showed any romantic interest to the other girl, my stance was always clearly amicable. 

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Walk right through that and go on the date.  This is an opportunity for you to spend time with her again like at the party.  There were other people there then so go, be charming and funny with both women but focus most of your attention towards her.

 If she is trying to fix up you and the mutual friend you will know for sure in the first 30 minutes.  They are friends and this friend may have told her she has a crush on you so she is being a good friend and not stealing you away.  Best thing for you is to go and make it clear you are only into her.

If nothing comes of it fine but at least you made the effort and didn't just give up at the first signs of difficulty.  If you do this right the mutual friend may tell her to go for it with you as you two get on so well.

Dating is not easy and it gets exponentially harder if you quit to easily.

Lost

True, thanks. I replied to her "umm ok... didn't really look at it that way tbh", which I suppose is clear enough about my intetions

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

This is your chance to clarify and say that you're not interested in her friend that you are interested in her. If she billygoats around still then you know everything you need to know.. which means she hangs with you for fun as a friend, she has no real interest in you.

Well if SHE's the one I asked out, then I think it's pretty clear it's not her friend that I like in that way.

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Don't bother waiting until Monday.

Strike while the iron is hot (today) and ask her to meet. 

Asked her, she asked if our mutual friend could come, I said sure, she then said "you two would make a great couple hahahah"... this is beyond confusing

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is she trying to fix you up with her friends? If you are curious you could go like a blind dates and see what happens. 

I don't know what she's trying to do, but our friend is exactly that to me, a friend. I went out with her a couple of times and I'm really not interested romantically.

Just now, Batya33 said:

She only likes you as a friend and or has a boyfriend.  I had the same experience as this woman a few times.  In one case I mentioned my boyfriend a number of times and he called and left a voicemail not exactly asking me out but inviting me to an event he was presenting at (but his tone obviously suggested date-like interest).  There is coherence -you misread her actions as flirtatious when she likely meant them as friendly.

She doesn't have a boyfriend. I've never seen clearer signals than these. This is very confusing.

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask her out. Ask if she would like to do something next week and when would be good for her.

Please don't discourage someone who seems this interested with awkward lateral moves and procrastinating out of fear. 

Asked her out, she asked if our mutual friend can come too, I said yeah, then she said that we would make a great couple... nothing makes sense any more, I think I'm gonna give up on dating for some time

57 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Don't bother waiting until Monday.

Strike while the iron is hot (today) and ask her to meet. 

Thanks, I just did now, we'll see how she responds!

2 hours ago, ShySoul said:

What do you think the next move should be? Don't think about it or plan it. Don't wonder, worry, or wait. Just do it. People seem to think they need a guidebook or have an action plan. Really, it's all about living in the moment and going with the opportunities that life presents you. 

So you had a good time with her and want to spend more time together? Then see when she's free to meet up again. Whenever you are both available, do it. It could be next week or it could be the next day. Whatever works, as long as you can be together. Think about what you talked about and suggest an activity that ties in, something you think she'd enjoy. Point is to spend time with her and continue getting to know each other and get closer. Remember, you didn't need to do anything special to get her talking to you. You were simply you. So just continue to be you, relax, and have fun. 

Thank you. Due to past experiences, I often get into that mindset of hoping not to ruin something with a girl that's going well, either by not waiting enough or waiting for too long. I'll keep it chill and ask her out soon 🙂

Just got home from a birthday party where I met a girl with whom I almost spent the entire evening with. We really had a great time. She was constantly smiling, invited me to sit next to her on the sofa, laughed at all the things I said (even when they weren't the funniest), and we exchanged instagrams. She then texted me the moment she got home about noticing that we have a common acquaintance on ig, so we chatted for 10 minutes and said good night. I feel like I'm at an optimal position right now and I don't want to blow it. What's my next move? Talk a bit tomorrow then send a text on monday to ask if she wants to go out next week?

13 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Why the rush to look for a partner at all? Relationships happen in their own time, when the right person comes along at the right time. Just because your friends are in one, doesn't mean that it will last or that now is the right time for you to be in one. Just because you are 20 doesn't mean now is the time to find someone or you'll lose your chance. Plenty of people are single at that age. When I was your age I hadn't come close to anything and knew multiple people in the same position. So you've had more experience then some. And while I get that there can be a feeling of lonliness, or the fear you're missing out, there is plenty of other things that can fill that hole in life and can be just as rewarding for you.

I actually think you have a good head on you and have the right idea. Dating apps are far from the only way to meet people, so if you don't want to do them, don't. People were meeting each other and having relationships for millenia before dating apps existed. If you don't like clubs or parties (I'm with you on that), then don't go there. And certainly don't start something just as a way to meet women. It's disingenious, and people will like see through it anyway.

So what do you do to meet someone? Don't try to meet someone. Focus on you. Learn to be happy on your own, doing what you love. Love happens when you least expect (yes, I know that's cliche, but it's true). Over and over again I've seen people worry and stress about having relationships. They try to meet people and put themselves out there. But they try too hard, causing them to mess up. Or they try doing things they aren't comfortable with, and mess up. Then they end up more stressed and depressed that nothing works out. Yet, when they stop caring and simply go about being them, their authentic self can shine, they gain more confidence, and eventually that attracts others. It happened to me. When I allowed myself to feel depressed and convinced myself I needed to be like others and have a relationship, got me more depression. When I said screw it, I'll just be me, I had multiple women being interested in me. 

So just focus on you and your music. Find avenues to perform. Have fun with it. You'll meet someone when you're suppose to.

Thank you for your feedback! It really helped me clear my mind. I wrote this post after an evening out with my friends and being the only single one there, so it inevitably stung a little when they started discussing couple stuff, especially since they all got way farther in their relationships than me haha... but now my head is clearer 

27 minutes ago, Coily said:

Are there any musical groups that are looking for an extra? Or maybe off campus bars that you could play at? Women do tend to have a soft spot for musicians.

There's a little problem here: I'm a classical guitarist and as you might expect, classical music doesn't have that kind of draw power that rock or pop has lol... so yeah, playing at gigs is a bit limited

6 minutes ago, Coily said:

Look for meet up groups, or get into hobbies you are interested in that are co-ed. If you're religious or curious about it, join a church. Don't be afraid to go out where people are in general. Since you are in college, maybe there are on campus activities that you can explore?

Find a passion that you can accidentally bump into someone and get to know.

Thanks for the feedback. 

Yeah, my situation is kind of particular since I study music which IS my passion, and everything in my life is centered around it. So my college feels like the best (only) place to meet people who understand me. 

I'm 20 and go to college. I've had 3 relationships over the past 3 years which didn't last longer than 5 months and weren't that great. Now that I'm older and most of my friends are in very healthy serious relationships, I decided that I really have to look for quality partners and that I mustn't make the same mistakes as before. However, I really don't know how to go about it without using apps... 2 of my relationships started from me sliding into dms on instagram, and one was in-person, but it was a girl who I wasn't actually attracted to and more of a rebound. About a month ago I decided to take my chance with a girl who obviously liked me, but failed since by the time I made up my mind she already got into a relationship. Last week I invited another girl with whom I was good friends since october out for coffee, but she declined. It feels like there really isn't much I can do except wait... because I really don't think dating apps are worth it, and I want a natural connection that will last. I also don't enjoy going to clubs, and I rarely go to parties. And I wouldn't want to start a hobby or activity with my goal being finding someone, because that would feel disingenuous.