Alokinga

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Up to you.  I would follow up on the walk and ice cream plan -is there a half day hike you can invite her to? You don't have to date.  You don't have to date her.  This was just my suggestion.

I appreciate your suggestion, I was just saying my thoughts. I don't have a lot of time either because of a lot of exams coming in two weeks, so a walk and ice cream would be the best I can do. I'll try that. Thanks.

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No I would ask for a specific day with a specific activity.  Follow up on your original plan. When my future husband and I met up platonically after being apart for years we planned the first meet up together for dinner.  Then a few days later he called "I have an extra ticket for [a play] this Saturday night -are you free?" I actually assumed it was maybe a group activity and it wasn't a date - I didn't know -but the fact that he had a specific day and activity in mind was a real positive.  I said yes because I wanted to see him -I'd felt a spark - and didn't really care which play it was.  Then he planned dinner before etc.  A man with a plan shows healthy confidence and a focus on sort of closing the deal instead of a vague "hey are you free next week?"

I mean I already sent her a post for a concert and told her it seemed interesting and she didn't react. She declined when I asked about going to an exhibition because she doesn't like them (fair enough). She also won't come to my performance because of "obligations". What I'm getting from that is a sense of general unavailability, so asking for an entire week feels more logical than one specific day. Besides, if I even have to carefully plan the way I'm going to ask her out for a simple walk, I think it's safe to say she's not interested. 

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'd follow up one more time - hey it's supposed to be nice out on ____ want to meet at ____ park/trail and then get ice cream? I once invited a guy I was friendly with to attend an event with me (shared interest) and he said "you know it's not really my thing but how about we go for sushi next week?"  A person who is interested will suggest another plan. (and it turned out yes he meant it as a date- I figured a group event was a good way to gauge interest).

Thanks for your response. I guess I'll ask her tomorrow if she's free next week, that should put the last nail in the coffin if it's not meant to be lol

On 5/23/2024 at 5:44 PM, jul-els said:

Your insecurities are causing you to read between the lines and see things that aren’t there. She’s expressing interest in you. Enjoy it. Take the time to get to know her. Relax. Be confident and take the lead. Let go of your expectations and just see where things go.

Thanks.

However, maybe I wasn't so wrong in my analysis because she started replying less and less last week. I feel like this thing is just going to fade out by itself and there's nothing I can do about it.

On 5/19/2024 at 8:12 PM, catfeeder said:

Or, it meant that she really enjoyed doing that concert with you, or she doesn't want to be reduced to just a hang-out 'Netflix and chill' while she's trying to get to know you.

She's hoping you're not too reclusive. She's social with her friends, and nobody wants to become the entire focus of another's world--along with being their only lifeline to getting out in the world.

This is all pretty standard stuff. If it pushes you to question whether you've cultivated an active and healthy enough social life, then this experience is pointing you in the right direction. Everyone overthinks dates to one degree or another. People who are confident with the rest of their lives are able to let that roll right off them. People who are NOT confident, and who might cling to a relationship because they have nothing else going on, do tend to overthink themselves into misery. That's a clear sign to step up and do the work on helping yourself to feel more confident--even if that means taking enough pride in your solo pursuits that you don't feel 'put down' by standard dating interactions.

Head high, you can do this.

 

 

Thanks.

Maybe my overthinking wasn't completely baseless since she started responding more and more rarely to my messages. When I asked if she'd like to go to an exhibition she said she doesn't like them and doesn't have much time so no, but said "yeah sure" to a walk and ice cream. Haven't set anything up, but it seems this thing is just going to fizzle out unfortunately. Which makes me pretty sad because I felt a strong potential that evening and she was always dear to me.

On 5/19/2024 at 9:19 AM, greendots said:

This wasn't very direct, so no wonder she replied with maybe. Direct would be: "We should go out again sometime. How about next Saturday?" Or "I'd like to go out with you again. How about I contact you during the week to set something up."

She doesn't seem to be friend zoning you. Most likely, just mirroring your level of interest.

Also, not all relationships start with a bang. Some are built with time, by getting to know the other person slowly but steadily. It's all about moving forward/progressing.

Oh, as someone who used to be the queen of overthinking... don't. It's your greatest enemy.

Thanks.

I hope it really is as you say, but things don't seem to be going in that direction. She's responding rarely, seems a bit distant. When I asked if she would like to go to an exhibition she said she doesn't like exhibitions and she doesn't have a lot of time right now so no, but when I asked if she'd like to go for a walk and grab ice cream again she said "yeah sure". I'll try asking her out next week, but I don't really have a lot of hopes. 

(This is a follow up to my last post about our concert hangout, in short it was great and she seemed very interested)

One week has passed and her responses started to be more and more sparse. I asked if she'd like to go to an exhibition, she said she doesn't really like exhibitions and she doesn't have a lot of time, so not right now. When I asked if she'd like to just go for a walk with me and grab ice cream again when she has time she said "yeah sure", whatever that means. I invited her to my performance this evening (I play guitar) as she invited me to hers, she said she had some obligations and she couldn't come unfortunately, I said that's ok becaude I'll be playing again next week, to which she didn't even respond. Yesterday I sent her a post about a concert tomorrow saying it could be interesting, she just liked the message. 

This distance feels very weird after all our very warm close friendly interactions over the last two years. I'm waiting for an opportunity to tell her in person that I like her just to make it clear, but that opportunity may not even come. She really opened up to me recently, talking about her feelings and her life in general. Now almost complete silence. I don't know how to feel. I know she has a lot going on with her reasearch paper for graduation and her entrance exam to the Music academy coming soon, but again... she could show a little interest if there was any.

I just came back from a date with a girl I've liked for years, but never went beyond friendliness because I wasn't sure she felt that way. Now I'm very happy as we had a great time and she kept wanting to walk around more. I really like her, I haven't felt this way for a long time. The problem is that I keep looking for and finding things she says that put me in the friend zone. For example, at the end I said "We should go out again sometime!" and she said "yes, maybe another concert would be good!" which I then interpreted as "I don't want to just hang out with you without an activity because I'm not interested". Or when I say that I don't go out much she says, "don't you have friends you can hang out with? Like we're doing right now?"... this kind of thing puts me down because it makes me doubt that I can even believe in having something with her, so it's difficult to really enjoy dating. I just end up looking for clues that things aren't gonna work out. Any advice?

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

However you set this up, don't start makin the moves on her yet. It's a first date/hangout...doesn't mean it's for romantic reasons...you could be friends zoned and you don't even know it. So just enjoy the date/hangout, talk, maybe go out for a snack afterwards. Feel things out. 

Parents: Either explain to her it's a family thing and she's more than welcome to come along or like Wiseman stated get separate tickets if that is an option. 

Yes, of course... that wasn't even the question.

There's a girl who I haven't seen for a year who went to music school with me, she sent me a song she likes a lot today and we started chatting. I then sent a baroque piece I like and she said that she was never a big baroque fan, but she would like to change her mind. I told her I'd like that as well, to which she replied "then make me". I said great, there's an amazing concert coming in two weeks. She then asked if I was going to go, and I said yes, and she asked if I already got the tickets. However, the main thing that's a bit of a bummer, is that my parents are coming with me too since they also enjoy this music. So I don't know how I could invite her and balance that with my parents or just let her get her own ticket and try some other time. This seems like the perfect thing to get closer to each other since we are both musicians and I felt interest over her texts. What do I do?

Tl,DR: girl I haven't seen for a long time is interested in going to a concert with me, but my parents are coming too because we already decided to go together. Do I let her buy her own ticket and miss out on this opportunity or somehow invite her too?

On 4/12/2024 at 7:27 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Try to engage in more small talk, perhaps ask to go for a coffee or snack after class. Try to feel the situation out such as is she interested or does she have a BF? 

The problem is that she's not on the same year as me, that was a special lecture by an outside professor for all interested. And judging by her account, she either doesn't have a boyfriend, or she's hiding him really well (she has a lot of posts and stories).

On 4/12/2024 at 6:13 PM, Batya33 said:

If you follow each other -sure -but why not just wait till you see her in person again to continue the conversation? You know she is interested in speaking with you.  That's all you know now and all you need to know.

The thing is that this was an out of the ordinary lecture and she's not on the same year as me. So if I leave it up to luck, I may not have this opportunity again.

20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Yep, I agree with this. You'll be in her class the whole semester, so you don't need to rush.

Didn't mention that this was a special lecture by an outside professor, and we aren't on the same year. So it's up to luck if I meet her again...

A girl sat next to me at a lecture this morning. Before it started, she asked me how I like college since she remembers me from a presentation for prospective students from last year. We talked a bit, she then told me she saw me at a concert two months ago and we talked about that and then the lecture started. She left in a hurry at the end, so we didn't talk more. Is that a sign of interest or just a random unimportant exchange? Should I message her on ig since we follow each other?

4 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

What momentum?  You have been dragging your feet since October.  

That said, if you can squeeze in a date before you both go your separate ways for Easter that would be good.  Just be careful you don't over hype expectations.  While you are apart be OK with not being in touch 24/7

Well not really, we started talking a lot more only last week. But I agree with the rest. Thanks

There's this girl in college with whom I hung out a couple of times (since October) with our friend group and since the last few days I think I'm starting to like her. We had some great conversations last week when we saw each other and I would like to see her again one on one. The thing is that I'm going away on Friday to visit family and I'll be gone for a week, which I'm afraid could make me lose my momentum with her. Should I ask her out in the next two days or is that too abrupt? 

On 3/12/2024 at 12:39 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

I didn't read it like he has a rigid mindset or that he believes she "should" act in a certain way, he posted he was 'confused' by her comment that he and her friend would make a great couple.

Which frankly after the way she had behaved the previous night confused me too!

Also to say nothing about pre-dating or dating or in life is absolute or black and white.  The real truth is no one knows what she's feeling or why she made the comment.

Since he is interested, all he can do imo is come from a place of confidence and be direct about his intentions as @yogacatposted, and let chips fall where they may.  And don't assume anything.

 

 

Thanks for being confused as well, felt like I was going crazy for a moment lol. Turns out she has a boyfriend (she told me that after I was direct and told her that her comments are confusing since I felt very special vibes the night before)... she told me she finds me cool and she'd like to continue hanging out. If I see her again, I do hope she tones down the flirty stuff, because I wouldn't be too comfortable if I was in her boyfriend's shoes. Definitely think her behavior was crossing some kind of boundary for someone in a relationship. But oh well, I do feel good about being honest from the start and clearing this situation quickly and painlessly.

On 3/11/2024 at 2:06 AM, Wonderstruck said:

Yeah, this was her way of trying to "let you down gently".

A lot of women don't feel comfortable directly turning down a guy, so they will resort to more passive moves like inviting a friend as a "buffer", in order to make it CLEAR that you guys are "just friends".

No woman who was genuinely interested in a guy would ever say "You two would make a good couple!" about the guy and ANOTHER woman.

She said that as ANOTHER way of conveying to you that she is NOT interested in being more than friends.

 

I would strongly recommend this.

And I would discourage you from "walking right through that", because "walking right through" women's boundaries and guardrails, that they have put in place for a REASON, isn't going to play out the way that you want it to.

If you DO decide to go, please don't be shocked or angry if she doesn't want to be more than friends.

And please respect any decision she makes.

This turned out to be the case. I directly told her that I didn't expect that she would be trying to play the matchmaker for me since I had a lot of fun with her, so she told me that flirting and stuff was only for fun since she has a boyfriend, but she thinks I'm cool and she would like to hang out. I stopped messaging her after acknowledging that.

2 minutes ago, TeeDee said:

 

Unfortunately as much as you like her & think that you clicked, the feeling is not mutual.   Her trying to fix you up with her friend is either a sh1t-test in which case you need to run or she doesn't see you as a romantic prospect.  

Meet up with them both if you like but go Dutch & have  zero expectations.   She's fully aware that you fancy her and if your affections were returned she would not be mentioning the friend (competition) let alone bringing her along. 

Sorry

It's weird because I don't remember the last time a girl seemed this interested in me... she may know that her friend is interested in me (she always initiated our hangouts) and may feel weird about getting in between us, especially since we met thanks to her. But I never showed any romantic interest to the other girl, my stance was always clearly amicable. 

5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Walk right through that and go on the date.  This is an opportunity for you to spend time with her again like at the party.  There were other people there then so go, be charming and funny with both women but focus most of your attention towards her.

 If she is trying to fix up you and the mutual friend you will know for sure in the first 30 minutes.  They are friends and this friend may have told her she has a crush on you so she is being a good friend and not stealing you away.  Best thing for you is to go and make it clear you are only into her.

If nothing comes of it fine but at least you made the effort and didn't just give up at the first signs of difficulty.  If you do this right the mutual friend may tell her to go for it with you as you two get on so well.

Dating is not easy and it gets exponentially harder if you quit to easily.

Lost

True, thanks. I replied to her "umm ok... didn't really look at it that way tbh", which I suppose is clear enough about my intetions

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

This is your chance to clarify and say that you're not interested in her friend that you are interested in her. If she billygoats around still then you know everything you need to know.. which means she hangs with you for fun as a friend, she has no real interest in you.

Well if SHE's the one I asked out, then I think it's pretty clear it's not her friend that I like in that way.

5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Don't bother waiting until Monday.

Strike while the iron is hot (today) and ask her to meet. 

Asked her, she asked if our mutual friend could come, I said sure, she then said "you two would make a great couple hahahah"... this is beyond confusing

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is she trying to fix you up with her friends? If you are curious you could go like a blind dates and see what happens. 

I don't know what she's trying to do, but our friend is exactly that to me, a friend. I went out with her a couple of times and I'm really not interested romantically.

Just now, Batya33 said:

She only likes you as a friend and or has a boyfriend.  I had the same experience as this woman a few times.  In one case I mentioned my boyfriend a number of times and he called and left a voicemail not exactly asking me out but inviting me to an event he was presenting at (but his tone obviously suggested date-like interest).  There is coherence -you misread her actions as flirtatious when she likely meant them as friendly.

She doesn't have a boyfriend. I've never seen clearer signals than these. This is very confusing.

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask her out. Ask if she would like to do something next week and when would be good for her.

Please don't discourage someone who seems this interested with awkward lateral moves and procrastinating out of fear. 

Asked her out, she asked if our mutual friend can come too, I said yeah, then she said that we would make a great couple... nothing makes sense any more, I think I'm gonna give up on dating for some time