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5 hours ago, Lambert said:

If he has a history of not being able to communicate or act the way you need, how have you coped with this is past? 

How and why is this time different? 

Honestly, my brother and I have always been a good team. We have a lot of similar interests and we've worked very well together from supporting business ideas to playing silly video games. 

My brother usually does not have any reservations whenever he communicates. This can be a good thing because he can always appear confident when he is speaking publicly. I admire him for that. His communication really only becomes a problem internally within our families because he can sound overwhelming and unsympathetic for the wrong reasons which pushes people away.

I've always given him advice to maintain his relationships. Thankfully we do respect each other enough to listen or at least consider each other's advice.

Ironically I know I mentioned that my brother is the one refusing to talk to me right now. So I'm sure he is also feeling very hurt about our situation since he is not usually reserved about sharing his thoughts out. 

I'm sure we'll figure it out. I think I was just in a rotten state of mind from the shock of the situation. But I think it'll get better. I realize his actions do express that he does care about me. Which is where I had my moment of doubt. So I'm feeling content now actually. I hope I am not being too optimistic though heh.

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

This is likely the condescending drivel that frosts your brother. He may have cooperated with it in the past, but you may not realize how it comes off. If you sound anything like this^^^ with him, then it's holier than thou, and that would p'off anyone.

How are you losing a lifelong bond--by demonstrating respect for him?

We don't know the argument, so this isn't about facts or who is 'right' or 'wrong.' Your relationship with your brother is more important than that.

How about modeling some humility for your brother and demonstrate how open you can be to hearing him respectfully, and without 'lessonizing' him?

It might pay off in ways you haven't considered, and you could thank yourself.

Thanks. I probably do need to watch myself sounding condescending when I talk to him. I am hoping that the next time we talk, the complains we have about each other will just become friendly banter and we'll laugh it off.

The argument was about cats. But I am afraid to disclose the details to you because you are a cat feeder 🙂

@Wiseman2 @Batya33 @greendots @Cherylyn

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this situation. I appreciate all the words of wisdom, experiences, and challenges you have presented.

I realize that in my moment of doubt, it was just seriously me trying to confirm whether my brother actually still cared or appreciate me. If I reflect on it now, my doubt was actually unfounded and stupid. There was no reason for my brother to not care about me. I can excuse my brother for not "reaching out to me and giving me cold treatment". He has a different way of resolving conflicts that mean something to him. And I should really just accept that. The important thing to me is at least I can tell that he cares.

I am hoping I don't bite my words in the next few days though lol.

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Once again, none of this is your issue unless you choose to make it yours. You do not have to mediate between him and anyone else. He's a grown adult and he'll handle his own business. Or he won't. So be it.

You seem overly involved in his life. I would take that focus and shift it elsewhere to something productive that benefits you and your world. Yes, he's a part of your world but it's impossible to control another adult human. So instead, choose to control what's yours to control. 

Ya but it just sucks losing a lifelong bond. We have literally saved each other's lives through common experiences. But don't worry, I'll just have to learn to cope with it I guess.

I am also remaining hopefully. I'm probably just whining now but maybe it'll be different lol. Thank you for all the feedback though.

53 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sometimes we need to understand when something isn't our business and keep our thoughts to ourselves.

Ya, I understand that.

Unfortunately I tend to get involved because I usually end up mediating his conflicts with my parents and other siblings because I really don't want there to be burnt bridges within the family. I have always been the one to back him up. I am getting tired of it though. It doesn't seem like he even appreciates me for doing what I do for him. He lives in a bubble. I feel like he is spoiled largely because of me. He had needed the scolding of others to grow up. I'm thinking I should never really have protected him as much as I did.

The unfortunate thing is I think even when I won't side with him anymore, he will still believe that he is not doing anything wrong. The whole world can be wrong, but not him. Because he believes he is living the "ideal life".

Well ya, your point is what I am considering. I probably should be a little less "close" to him in terms of giving him advise or "improving his life". That was our parents' job anyway. But I can't help but feel responsible for how he grew up. And I want to be supportive of his future, that's why I value his future.

I am not jealous of him. If anything I actually have more fortune than him with my career. And my brother respects that. I just didn't make money as "fast in a short amount of time" as he did. So the difference is it seems he doesn't really value hard work all that much because he feels like he can just get free money anytime. I just hope that doesn't bite him in the future.

12 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Well, you gave him a test.  honestly that is not only a passive aggressive approach, it also requires the other person to respond in the way you want, without knowing what you want. 

With siblings it is hard to change the behavior and the patterns that have been built over a lifetime.

I think in this case, you should find time to talk to your brother and say,  I heard you and I want to know what I can do to not come across as such a smart ass and make it so that you can talk to me. 

Ask what you can do to make things better. 

obviously you think you have the ability to resolve the conflicts and he doesn't but he told you flat out, your approach doesn't work for him. 

I think you have to look at what you're doing and be open to his suggestions.

doubling down that you are not the problem and it's he that is the lacking party, with this statement:

Takes no responsibility for what you lack.  And brother or not, people do shut down when they feel they are not heard or valued. 

 

Hey Lambert,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. 

Yes I have been trying to talk to my brother. But I suppose he just needs some time for now. When I get a chance I intend to ask him how I can not come across as a smart ass.

My dilemma at this point is whether I should give him some tough love or not for him to learn something. As much as I value resolving the conflict with my brother, I also value that he becomes a better person. I don't know if it's too late, but I have to try.

Just some context, my brother has actually always been disrespectful to my parents and other family members. He has a very blunt personality. I would say that if it were not for me always "softening the blow" whenever he says something hurtful, he probably would have burnt the bridge with the rest of our family already. When he calls me "smart ass" I see him actually projecting the problem he acknowledges about himself, and because he feels hurt when he is considered by others as a "smart ass", it seems like he is just using that same criticism on me just to get a reaction.

Frankly ever since he got good fortune from his investments in the stock market a few years back, he has been a bigger pain in the ass. He thinks he has found the easiest way to live life. He doesn't learn anything new or develop any new skills or even work. He is actually in a pretty terrible state as a person even though he is somehow "thriving".

I see him potentially losing all his fortune one day with no one there to support him. And I actually feel terrible about that because I ***ing love him.

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. I am hoping to find guidance or advice from people because I am feeling somewhat lost at the moment on figuring out what to do.

I am a 32 year old man. I have a 27 year old younger brother whom I am really close with. We grew up as "best buddies" in our childhood, and even as adults I felt like I could trust and rely on him for anything and everything.

We got into a disagreement recently. It was nothing serious, just a misunderstanding that we weren't listening to each other's opinions about a problem regarding pets. Usually for small conflicts like this we would resolve it within a day, if not within hours.

As I was reflecting on resolving the conflict with my brother, I realize that it had always been me who would start the conversation whenever we had a conflict to resolve. It was a habit I had as the older brother, but we're both independent adults now so I wanted to make sure my brother had the willingness to resolve conflicts on his own well. So I had an idea test my brother. I decided I would not start the conversation this time and I wanted to observe how he would resolve the conflict. A week has gone by, I gave him opportunities to talk to me about it. But he would give me cold treatment. So then I finally asked him after a week why he didn't try to talk to me about it or at least to follow up with me to see if I was okay after our argument. He replied to me "you've said what you said, I've said what I said, there's nothing to talk about". I'm like "fine no one cares about our argument anymore last week. But why were you giving me cold treatment?". This is when he told me that it's because I am a "***ing smart ass" that he can't talk to me. Apparently I would not care or change my opinion about anything anyway even if we talked. He has continued to refuse to talk to me after that encounter.

I feel really bad about this as you can probably tell. I did not expect him to say such things. Historically we've always resolved our conflicts between each other so I am dumbfounded about why he would start thinking that we couldn't talk about problems now. I feel like I have been blindsided all this time. He seems to be a mess when it comes to dealing with conflicts. I am having my doubts that maybe my parents and I spoiled him too much when we were growing up so he never actually learned how to deal with conflicts properly.

My brother is usually the one I console with whenever I have difficult experiences like this. So I am feeling very alone at the moment.