hannarivers

1 hour ago, Coily said:

He’s 25, that’s one of the peaks for male sexuality

He watched porn for many years because he was single. I thought he should be already over it. 

1 hour ago, Coily said:

also, given your interest in masturbation in the past I do find it a little surprising that you’re not more understanding of his condition

This is why I am not undertsanding. Because I had the strength to stop. He did too, in a way, because he uses our own videos. I also feel disgusted about how I used these things. I told him in the past that these music videos will bring him down, he said he doesnt care about them, yet now... I mentioned this to him and he said that it was one in a thousand times, and it was not about that particular scenario, the video just made him realize that it would feel nice to rub one out since I will be at work. Yet again, I feel like I cant escape from these contents 

1 hour ago, Coily said:

but they have the wherewithal to not be demonstrable about his arousal.

And what if he chooses not to? I am just completely lost in this. He will be 25 next year. Is it normal to act this way? I asked him many times if he wants to be with other women or not, because I am his first. He is stuck by me for almost 4 years and still refuses this idea. I just cant see how wanting to masturbate to outside stimuli can lead to a lifelong relationship for anyone 

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He’s also likely always going to masturbate, and it won’t always be you he is thinking about. This is normal, and it’s not a bad thing

But how is that not a bad thing? I am not the kind of person who thinks that you should be doing everything together. You should travel, have friends, do activities separately. But sex, it should be only about each other, because it is the only thing that is different. You can hug your mom, you can live with your brother, you can go on vacation with your friend. But you wont ever make love with them. 

43 minutes ago, Coily said:

My question is do you still have unresolved issues with your man's want for sexual stimulation? Is his sex drive incompatible with yours?

I do still have unresolved trauma. My heart sinks to my stomach when I know he selfpleasured. My therapist told me that leaving this relationship will not solve this, because my next partner would still be a man, and 1 I didnt know at the beginning that he watches porn, so this could be true for the next boyfriend and 2 I wont find any man who never masturbates, only if he doesnt want to have sex either. 

And I agree, I should resolve this trauma next to him. I want to get better, but I am just sick of the thought that he was purposefully choosing that music video. I was big on selfpleasuring a few years ago. I liked it so much, I always thought I had a dirty mind, and I liked porn. Then I started having bad feelings, like I am doing it too much. So I stopped and focused on partnered sex. You see, porn had a bad effect on my partner and we realized it after 3 years. Since he stopped, he never gets tired during sex, and he loves pictures of me. Before this, he just found them pretty, now he tells me he wants me at home as soon as possible. So, of course, I am terrified that even though he only masturbates like every 9-10 days, a pornstar will take my place again. I fully trust him with my heart that he will never use porn twice a week to mess things up, but that 10 days still scares me so much. I had a full rant at him for telling me that such a tasteless video made him think about sexual thoughts. And I feel sorry for that, it just hurts. I am not stupid, I know you can find others attractive. And I know that this video was purposefully made like it is the beginning of a porn video. Yet my thoughts tell me that "I am much prettier, I have waaaay more hotter body than that 40 year old wench, I wear sexy lingerie for him, we had amazing sex 2 days ago, why the hell is it not enough for him to not have those thoughts?" 

Hey, I am here to learn, again. 

Im thinking of leaving my therapist and going to a sexual psychologist instead, but that takes a bit more money that I am having at the moment. My partners past porn use messed me up in the head and now I am walking in thick fog all the time with sexuality. 

I want to clear a few things beforehand. Me and my partner almost broke up 7 months ago because I found out he lied about using porn for 3 years. We chose to stay together on one condition, he stops porn and we make our own, and I open up more to try things so I finish during sex. 

We upgraded our shared sexlife. He uses our homemade videos, and we found a solution for my statisfaction. Also, I have learned many new things, so I am more active and visually pleasing for him, and I truly enjoy myself more. 

My problem is about things I dont understand. A few days ago I had a bad time with coping with my emotions. Sometimes I get anxious when my partner self-pleasures, because it reminds me of the "porn times". I asked him if he had a fun time, because I see the curtains, also if I can check something on his computer so I can calm down. I realized he woke up and listened to music which he never does. It was one of those "car mixes" where they put naked women with cars in the video. He listens to these in his car, but never at home. I was curious and watched it, literally softcore porn. I asked him if he chose to masturbate because of this "mix". He told me it had something to do with it, he was already a bit in the mood due to not meeting for 2 days and that scene excelerated his brain, so he did it to our video.  I got really anxious. I felt like he cant watch anything sexual without getting in te mood. I felt like I can never watch a movie with him, or go to the beach, because he will get aroused? 

Last time I met my therapist, she told me that men and women are wired a bit differently in sexuality. We didnt get to talk much about it, but I am willing to learn more so I dont treat my partner as a criminal child. I cant seem to understand how a man, who is wellkept, can get excited by a merely, 40 year old dancing woman with fishnets and miniskirt on. And yes, I am sure he is well kept. We talk openly about these things. We try every one of our fantasies. He told me many times that it is so much better and he cant stop thinking about me. Then why? Is it really that simple to get aroused? I understand he didnt rub one out to that video, but he still chose it for that and he was curious. 

I want to be a loving partner, and we are already one a greath path, but I dont understand how this works

I dont want to get married yet. Id be okay to do that in 5 or so years. But I agree with you. I havent arrived to that point where he can waste my time. 

I will try to answer this topic the last time. My country is poor. The rich eat us alive. No, I would not be living comfortably alone. My paycheck would not even last the end of the month. But no, not the reason I am with my partner and it is hurtful for me to see someone say I wanna marry because of this. I wanna do it because I want to belong to him in every way. But I will wait for it. Feeling wealthy and loving it is not a bad thing. All my life, I had to choose between this and that. Now I dont. No one can tell me that is is worth it to suffer for 5 MORE years just so I can buy a house faster. I dont even need a house until my mid thirties, because I am sure moving is in the picture. Until that, I can save up enough without having to live as I lived for around 20 years. None of my friends or colleagues save as much as I do and I have the worst salary. 

With my previous post, I got so many positive feelings because of the great advices, even when they were straightforward. But now I feel like I am getting lower because of this topic. I already have thought it through. Money, living. I had peace with that. But now I feel anxious. If buying things keeps me sane /going, then it is neccessary. Putting money into this home is an investment, because I will have a nice home for at least a few months. I know I will stand my ground in the future, alone, in a relationship, or if I dont save all my money. I can die in a month. Having all my paycheck in the bank wont leave me with good memories. But going to the Coffee shop, buying a big sweet coffee with my own money and sitting by the river will. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Take it from an old married lady and mom. You can NEVER save enough especially when you’re single. It felt so awesome to have amassed a considerable nest egg in my 30s / in my 20s I had some grad school loans. I never ever put $ into my rental in which I lived for about 15 years. Right now I have my coffee table in front of me. Purchased in 2005 I think for my rental.   Now in our home and still in good shape. I did spend $ on comfy linens and blankets and towels. Good quality. And I sent out my laundry back then because I worked crazy hours. 
much better to invest $ instead of buying interior decorations for an apartment you don’t own or have any equity in. JMHO 

I felt so much more independent and comfortable being a SAHM and contributing to the family income and still having $$$ in savings. 

I agree and I dont. I also want to live happily. My family never had money. If buying a wig makes me happy, I wanna do it. If buying another houseplant makes me happy, I wanna buy that. I want to be happy and not always worry about the future. I have done that and did not work for me. I have an incovenient salary. I still save 2/5 part of it. I probably wont buy a house without a mortgage, but at least I have spent those 5-6 years feeling "wealthy". 

16 minutes ago, BecxyRex said:

I haven’t read through all the replies, so I apologize if this has been brought up. To me it seems that you view marriage as a status symbol to show the outside world that your boyfriend “chose” you and you’re a taken woman. I’d be alarmed if my boyfriend told me that he feels there’s too much tension and arguments and would try my best to make him feel comfortable in the relationship. His feelings matter too. Maybe it’s not fact, but this isn’t court where he needs to show evidence to support his claim. It’s how he feels. What are you doing to make him feel more loved?

Yeah, I am already over the main topic, all these people said something smart. Thank you for your reply! I do the things he said he loves. Scrach his back, stroke his hair for hours after a long day, make him tasty things, statisfy him when he asks for it (I truly dont mind, even if he asks for it when I am tired), accompany him to places (he said himself that he is happy when I go with him to places, eg testing his car). I usually ask him what he needs from me to feel good, and do that. 

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. Just stop doing that and only pay your portion of expenses. Save the rest for your future. Whether it's a wedding, more education, things you need etc.  Money dumped into rental property, especially his family's will never be recovered. 

You are wrong on this one. I will probably live here for at least 6 more months. Rent would cost 15000, and I get 25000. In 6 months, rent would be 90000. So investing 25000 for lets say 6 months is not a bad thing. And if and I am sure it is not an if, we stay together, we will spend at least 2 years here before going somewhere else. I think saving 25000/10000 each month is amazing enough. My partner works at a place where he can bring groceries from for free, so I mostly buy snacks and eat out sometimes. 

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your BF seems to have a point about stabilizing things before making it legal.

There is a history of turmoil and conflict so until you two are on and even keel for a while it's better to hold off.

But. Open a savings account in your name and make deposits for your future rather than spending money on his family property. That's a step you can do now toward not overinvesting. That's the biggest issue here.

Read up on "sunk cost fallacy". It's when overinvesting whether time energy or money, prevents you from being objective about a situation.L

Look. I dont want to reveal my country. I dont know anything about dollar, but you will understand the ratio. Lets say my salary is 25000 dollars. I save 10000 dollars each month. I have spent around 25000 on this property, and of course the utility bills. 

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How would you feel if you discovered he's watched porn again at some point? 

And I don't mean the video he made with you. 

Im sure he did not. When he lied, I asked all the time because I felt it. Now I feel safe. But if he did do it and told me, thats fine. Idc until he is honest

51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So if you end up breaking up what are the safeguards with this video you made? 

Honest answer? My partner is not a bad person. Delete it. And if not, why would I care? He would never release it. And if he used it, well, good for him, I dont care. Even if it was released, I had s3x with my then boyfriend. If anyone has a thing to say about a woman having intercourse with their man, shame on them. I know some might have different opinions, but I really dont care.

EVERYONE has the strength to stand up, the will is what most are missing. You have to find your will. I understand you fully, as I have spent around 10 years of my life wanting to die. Sometimes continuously. I only had one or two days when I felt like "hm, it is ok" and the next day "no, I was stupid, I never will be ok". So believe me, if I say a thing, I went through it myself. You have to find peace in things. You dont have to be happy, just find something safe and peaceful. Even a bench at the side of the river. And you have to tell yourself every single day that it doesnt matter you have fallen back, because getting better is not a straight line. It goes up, down, forward, even more down, then higher than before. There is no person on this planet that doesnt have at least one person who cares about them. When I felt like I had no one, I just tried to help people, so I knew I made their day a bit better. There is always at least one reason to live. You know how long I remember a nice cashier? Or a girl that smiled at me on the street? People remember you, care about you, and they are still not the reason to be alive. It is simply you. You can never not exist, you are you, and you got created because there was a need for a you in this world. 

31 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

somedays you don't want to have a O, then just propose a quickie instead...

This happens. Lets say if he have it 4-5 times a week, it is about me 2-3 times. So, yeah, I do offer quicks. 

31 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Can you reply to this? 

I could not say. He stopped from one day to another. And if anyone is curious how I could trust him, I just do. I had my doubts, but I see change in behaviour, so I am 100% sure that he doesnt watch porn from the outside. He might have had an addiction, but not the one that is the so called addiction. He never watched porn for fun, instead of other activities, or for hours. He used porn for about 20 minutes before we became a couple, and after we got together, it was mostly shorter times. After a few years together, he began to use it for about 10-15 minutes a week (if he tells the truth). After I found out, he completely stopped M.ing for about two months and we just had s3x. Later we made a video together, and he used that about every two weeks. So yes, he was addicted in a way that he could not M without it, but he didnt M more just because there was porn available.

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

. Is this something you could try to provide him? Try to talk about it with him and propose that next time instead of him spending 40 minutes trying to make you finish.

It was the routine for 3 years. I could not O in V, I could not receive oral because of health problems. After he stopped watching porn, we spent more quality time on s3x and that is how he discovered that he can pleasure me. And I think he likes it more this way, and I also feel less like doing a chore. Of course I loved being with him before, but it was about him, because I didnt know any way to enjoy it phisically. 

Just now, boltnrun said:

I'm sorry you have mental health struggles. I have too. But this is another reason why it's smart to hold off on getting engaged.

What treatment are you currently receiving for your mental health conditions?

I dont know the term in english. This type of therapist digs to the root of your feelings, and helps you find some reassuring "mantras", (mine are : I am the master of my mind, I am enough for myself, etc) until you bring everything to the surface. Instead of just listening like my previous psychologists, they show paths and options, different views. 

47 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

You're all over the map with your feelings but I believe, like everyone have mentioned, that it has a lot to do with immaturity.

Can I ask you how many times you've yelled at your boyfriend that he's stupid? I understand that we say things in the heat of the moment, but if you constantly say the same line when you both fight, I wonder if some of his reservation come from feeling disrespected.

The word stupid was an example. Idk what words I used, because as I try to forget about his pornstars, I try to forget my mistakes, too. And also, I think I mentioned before that I was mentally unstable. Even if I wanted to remember what I did or said, I could not do that 

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

A story of my own to address your feelings about the porn: 

When I was 18, immature and insecure, I had a girlfriend in college. Whenever she mentioned male friends from back home—thousands of miles away, people from a time in her life when I didn't even know she existed—I did what immature and insecure people do: I made it personal. I got uneasy and wondered if anything "happened" with any of those guys. And I would ask her. And ask and ask and ask, obsessively. And she would say no, nothing happened. But eventually, worn down by my prying, she told me that, yeah, stuff "happened" with one or two of them. 

Now, if I wanted to lawyer it and dodge all personal accountability in the above dynamic, I could say: She lied to me! Right to my face! Over and over! The betrayal! The disgust! And so on, and so forth, holding onto that story with  righteous indignation and feeding that poison by spending untold hours of my own staring at those dudes on social media. Who knows? Maybe I did some version of that. It's been 25 years since then, that was a short relationship, the details are pretty blurry, and there was no social media back then anyway.

The reason I'm sharing it with you is because—not just today, as I'm in my 40s, but probably just a few years later, after I'd grown a bit—I see the whole thing not as a story of egregious "lying" but as a laughable story of immaturity and insecurity, all around. Had I been more mature, more secure? I wouldn't have needled her about some random dudes, putting her in an impossible position where she knew the "truth" would create pain and drama—for me, for her, for us, and so she chose to avoid that through dishonestly. Meanwhile, had she been more mature, more insecure? She would have told me to cut it out and simply broken up with me if I failed to.

Being that neither of us were those things, yet, we instead acted like children and turned a nothing into a something at the expense of both of our humanity. 

Everyone is entitled to their values, their boundaries, of course. What is a nothing to me can be a something to you—fine. But having just taken a spin through your previous post about the porn stuff, my sincere advice is to see it for what it is, and has always been: a nothing that you two, together, turned into a something.

In short, he did the same thing you yourself have done, along with billions of others, which is occasionally masturbating to pornography. When you responded to this with immaturity and insecurity—interrogating him about this, creating convoluted and hypocritical rules around pornography, becoming more obsessed with porn stars than he likely ever was—he in turn responded with immaturity and insecurity. He lied. And that hurts, I get it. But it would have also hurt if he had been more mature/secure and respectfully told you that's none of your business or just ended things with you when you continued to make it your business. Alas, this is what immaturity and insecurity can do: create situations where the only outcome is manufactured hurt from one angle or another. 

So...

You asked for advice on how to deal with it, and mine is: Laugh at yourself, and him, and you two, and that whole chapter. Then turn the page. Drop the drama and moralizing, and own the immaturity and insecurity. That ownership can serve as a solid foundation to stand a little taller, stop creating these situations together, and let the resentment burn off like the hot air it is and almost always is.  

And if that proves impossible? If you can't yet see the humor in it all? End it. End it because, if you sincerely love him, you don't want him living in a box that allows such little room for human error—and because you yourself don't want to live in the box either, since two people cannot build a world worth living inside in such cramped quarters.  

 

Even at my previous post, your wording makes me understand things more. I have nothing to add, just that I am thankful! 

1 hour ago, redswim30 said:

I think both of those things are bad and are reflective of immaturity and inexperience with compromise and compassion. 

This isn't about you having a difference of "opinion".   This is about you having different definitions of what constitutes cheating.  That's a fundamental difference, OP.  Every couple out there has their own definitions of cheating and there's no right or wrong, but you have to AGREE as a couple what it is or isn't or you are incompatible.  Example- My husband and I do not consider hanging out with people of the opposite sex alone cheating in any way.  However, other couple might consider going out to lunch with someone of the opposite sex cheating.  There's no right or wrong here, but you HAVE to agree.  Nothing you can say is going to change a fundamental difference of opinion, which is exactly why he lied to you about it. That's what happens when you don't want to end things, but you know you and your partner don't agree.   

You aren't okay with it at all or you wouldn't be holding onto resentment over it.  You say it's not the porn but the lying about it.  And I might believe that, if you later didn't go on to say that you were upset because he was specifically looking up the same porn star and you were upset that you thought he had a crush on her. 

You can't control how he feels about you at this moment and he was right to put the brakes on.  If you continue to see each other at all, it should be casually- not living together.  OP, please remember this, there's a difference between loving someone and being compatible in a relationship with them.   There's been tons of people in my life I have loved but either was a disaster with or knew I'd be a disaster with due to incompatibility.  Feelings are just feelings.  Every day compatibility is what matters, and I'm sorry to say, but the two of you are not.   I feel it would be healthier for you both to take what you learned from this and move on alone and then potentially later with other people. 

I dont have to agree. Most people here show me paths, not say something as a fact. I think you should not decide that it is a fact we are not compatible either. As I mentioned before, no one sees into a relationship. You only hear about the things I do talk about. Having problems does not mean incompability. And minor incompabilities still doesnt mean incompability in general, only if one cant accept the other. One would say that if I like to sleep until 1pm and my partner until 6am, we are incompatible. No. If he doesnt care because he can get on with his hobbies and stuff until I wake up, and as soon as I wake up I spend time with him, that is a compromise. Weird example, but true. I think porn is bad because of the kinds he likes, he thinks they are not bad. I can decide to be okay with some kinds of porn, and he surely can say "okay, that can work too". If he says no, I only get turned on by Shakira, that is incompatibility. Also, having trouble with feelings and understanding because we came from broken families but still woking on ourselves is NOT a bad thing, rather a good sign

35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I find them equally egregious. 

To reiterate, I agree with him that getting engaged now is not a good idea. And until you can either let go of your disgust and resentment toward him or forgive him as you expect him to forgive you for calling him stupid.

BTW, why would you even want to marry someone you feel disgust and resentment toward? I know, you "LOVE him!!!" But in my world love, disgust and resentment don't go together.

Let me tell you an example. Your mother slips one time and screams at you from the top of her loungs. She looks at you with true anger in her eyes. It can stay and you can resent her for it, and still love her for all the other things she does. Yes. I feel resentment, because that lie was truly disgusting. Even thought I understand why he did it. He was sure I would break up if he didnt lie. But then again, I would have not. I would have loved the truth to come out the first time. 

I believe that resentment can be healed. I healed from all the hurt my classmates gave me, the living hell they put me through. I just dont know how to heal this. 

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you expect him to forgive and forget your past bad behavior but you feel "resentment and disgust" over his past bad behavior and feel you don't have to forgive him.

Do I have this right?

I never said that? But if we are comparing, lying into someone's face about breaking a boundary is not the same as arguing loudly and saying a "you are stupid". 

54 minutes ago, Lambert said:

he lied to over and over and then gas lighted you saying it is because he was afraid of losing you. Then turning it again, that he wasn't wrong. 

There is no right or wrong, just opinions. He didnt feel like it is cheating, so if I tell him it is, he still wont feel like it is. Him having an opinion that differs to mine is okay. Him lying is not. He could have just said that he wont stop using porn bc to him, it is bs that it counts as cheating. As I mentioned before, he spent about 5 years with porn and porn only, no girlfriend. Obvious that even if he wasnt an "everyday jerkoff addict", he still had a bad habit where he could not M without porn. I understand why he used it, it is the lying that hurts. (and a bit of the memory about those names I found) 

Because when I find someone who we share a dinamic with, I love as a person, who makes me want to work better, who I love my everyday with, I simply dont want to let go. Thats it. I cant type here the whole relationship. I could say that he lets me feel like a woman. Or that he makes me amazing coffee. I could say I love how he doesnt give up even when it takes me 40 mins to finish and his hand is shaking... Or how I love when he says that we should work together on a disagreement. When I find someone who is willing to be better and it is because of me, I just know that I want to be with him. I would never ask anyone why they dont break up with their partner. Because I could never see into their days. I never lnew I could be better until he broke my trust. I could only break that hard because I love him that hard. I would have never gone therapy and realize "wow, I do love him, why did we mess up so much when we clearly are in love?". 

And about the disgust part. I dont know how any person would feel if their loved one told them, looking in the eye, that he doesnt know why they found porn, he doesnt remember any of it. Than later saying, okay, he did watch it, lets say every five or four months, just didnt want to admit and lose you. And a month later admitting to do it once every week and saying that he lied every time because he couldnt agree on it being cheating and he thought you would never find out, because it doesnt have any effect on the relationship.

And after half a year saying that he might had a problem, but now he is fine and he wants to live without it not just for me, but for himself too.  I also was stupid enough to look through his things and that was the reasons for my first post : he watched porn by name many times, not just categories. Which made me think that it is a personal crush thing for men 

To be honest, two things changed in my mind because of you guys. I let go of the proposal part. On the other hand, I got even more sure that I want this to work. I completely see where you are coming from with the red flag stuff. But I refuse to believe that if 3 years were messed up, 30 can not be good. Mainly because it would also have to apply to myself. I was an effed up person for 23 years, then I should accept that I will be for life. Hell no. My lazy asset of a boyfriend who could not take any responsibility just became someone who builds a room and all the furniture inside, in his spare time, all by himself. I cant not believe in change when I see it with my eyes. So please, if someone still invests time in me, I need advice on how to let go of my resentment and disgust because of that search history and lies. Because I truly want this to work. 

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Does your boyfriend also get really into this home decor thing you're into?

He doesnt care about it, but he takes his part in doing the walls, finishing the flooring, electricity, doing the hard work. But if I show him the things I want, he sits down with me and listens, or tells me his opinion and liking

I spent about two months of my paycheck on that place, and I tell myself that even if it is for just half a year, I lived comfortably. I would have to pay this much for rent if we were not together, so that money would still go missing. 

I understand all of yours concerns, but please, dont state it as a fact that I should not prepare my future with him because it is an obvious fail. I had a porblemless relationship for 4 years before this one. We didnt have to work on anything, because most things just came by itself. And he got bored. We could not show off anything we achieved together, because all was good. Now, in my current relationship, I can say that we grew. He lied to my face, like he was telling just a casual story. Now he comes to me with every detail by himself. Our sexlife was selfish and immature, now we have the best ever, filled with joy, excitement and shared pleasure. We were screaming, slamming doors, crying without being heard. I rarely cry and if I do, I simply tell him to give me a hug, because he offended me, and he comes and all is good. Our only, and only problem is the resentment we feel towards each other. He stopped watching porn regulary (and I feel like I would be okay with porn in a few years, just with boundaries that doesnt hurt our relationship) and stopped lying, and even if he does, he comes to me saying "that wasnt true, sorry, just came out". I still feel disgusted by those times he lied about it, but if he keeps showing me that he wants to be better, and if I love him, I should give him a chance.