hannarivers

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

No it doesn't work that way in a loving, romantic relationship that includes sex/making love/being sexual and you want the logic to w

Well now I know! Because I did not before. I didn't think I as a real woman worked any different when he looks at me from the women the looked at the screen.

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Whether separately that would be a dealbreaker for moral/ethical/Ick Factor reasons is -separate.

Do you mean porn in itself or the teen category? From a 35 year old man it would be an ick for me to know my man appreciates 18-23 year olds over his own age group, but he was 23 when he liked that kind of stuff, so I guess women between 18-23 that look like they are 17-23, it might be fine. Not the best for my teste, but I do actually trust him that he would never approach someone way too young, not just because he became mature enough to know what is right, but because he sees underage people as children. If you meant porn in general, I trust him that his taste matured the same way as his mentality, so he can decide which ones are ethical and which ones hurt someone. 

3 hours ago, yogacat said:

What are you planning to do to stop?

I dont know, let go? Maybe just not thinking about it at all

11 hours ago, Andrina said:

But can I ask why you feel the need to, when it seems he'd be quite okay with a bit less

Because I became fond of it. Both mentally and physically. I feel emotionally closer to him and obviously the physical part is good, too. I dont know if he would be content with less, I remember him sending me a spicy text about him not being able to wait until after I finish work.

14 hours ago, yogacat said:

I think you're so afraid and worried because of your partner's past use of porn that you're trying so hard to be perfectly captivating at all times that you can't just relax and be yourself. Your partner's mind is fine, it has enough variety in it to be healthy and versatile in its actions. More specifically, he is just trying to communicate to you that his arousal patterns are not always the same and that it's normal for them to fluctuate depending on the situation. In other words, just because he doesn't get an instant hard-on from seeing you doesn't mean he's not attracted to you or that there's something wrong.

The message your partner was saying is spot on: it turned him on in a matter of a few seconds which led to intimacy with you a few hours later. It sounds romantic to me. He gets to be with you later in the evening and you two get to share something intimate. From what I am reading, this only adds more positive emotions between you two.

The takeaway from all this? Don't ever worry about being entirely captivating all the time. It only stresses you out and in turn, causes momentary rifts between you two.

You are spot on!

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I fantasize about a few TV and movie actors, all of whom are married. It doesn't mean I don't respect them or their wives or their marriages. It's just a fantasy. And I am 100% certain their wives are neither angry nor threatened by me or any other fans fantasizing about their husbands.

When I was married there was a woman who worked with my husband (who also happened to be married) who I felt was flirting blatantly with him in front of me AND her husband. I mentioned it to my husband but it was more of a funny thing than me feeling he might find her more attractive than me. I didn't immediately put on lingerie when we got home and then check him for an erection. It never would have occurred to me to do something like that.

Yes, it's your insecurity causing these totally made up issues. 

Thank you for sharing that

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

that because you are experiencing something as a problem does not mean that there is inherently something wrong with that thing. 

Its not that I expect it to be wrong, its pure logic - if you like porn you like visual stimuli, if you like visual stimuli you should like reál women since they are the same visual stimuli as porn? Its not an expectation. Its like saying you like watching horror movies in your bedroom then you probably like it in the living room too.

12 hours ago, mylolita said:

think actually, if you were both in a cheeky mood and in a good place, asking him in a non judgemental way about what type of porn he watches, what turns him on; and anything he might like to try, would be a very good thing. A thing to explore?

That happened and it was my nightmare. Porn with pretty pornstars. Thats it. Sometimes teen category because he preferred watching natural people instead of older, fake boob ones. 

I want to reply to everyone with just one comment instead of making 10.

Insecurity. You can say that I am insecure, but not in the way you say it. If I watch myself as an individual being, without a partner, I love myself. I look in the mirror and I do actually think I look more than good. But when I think of my partner - the question in my mind doesnt go like this -> Am I really attractive if he....    Instead, it goes like this -> I am attractive, can it be that he doesnt see me the same way as I see myself in the mirror? I am not insecure as an individual woman, I am insecure as a woman who is the partner of a man. I think I did explain it somewhere else. I was reassured my whole life that I am above average. So much that people didn't even care about my personality, basically treating me as a shiny object. It is kind of sad actually. Sometimes I even hated that I looked good because I never knew if guys liked me for me, or if girls hated me just because they were insecure in my presence. All my life I just craved real friends and people to like me for me. So no, I am not insecure like that. However, going through this and now seeing that my boyfriend is not all about my looks - the only person that I actually want to drool over me instead of all those creepy men yelling after me and following me - makes me insecure that he is indeed damaged from porn or simply not into my looks, even though I know that he chose me in the past because he found me pretty. Thats it, I cant stretch this longer.

Controlling. I dont know what to say about that. Controlling needs action. I dont do anything regarding this topic to or with him. I dont interrogate him. Mentioning something once doesnt make it interrogating. I dont go and ask him every time I show him my assets, why dont you get a boner babe? I dont even ask him about porn. A year ago we sat down and compromised that we are doing the no porn period together and if any of us wants to quit, we would just be honest, and move on just like before. Maybe controlling is different for everybody, but for me, a guy who is not questioned, not demanded to act in any way, not frowned upon for acting different from the liked behaviour, he is not controlled in any way. I have been talking to you guys way longer that to him. We have about once a month check ins, he tells me the things he would like to compromise on, and vice versa. 

Deciding on what arouses him. I dont. And I didn't say I did or wanted to. I said that I dont understand how this works. If I like pizza, I would be happy if I could eat pizza. If he finds p0rn working because it is visually stimulating, then I would assume he likes to watch real women because that should be visually stimulating the same way , since women on screen = women in real life. He said its the sex that is exciting in p0rn and not just the naked women in itself, but then he wouldnt have had preferences I guess. 

Im fine with being called delusional, but I dont really like being called controlling, because I literally do nothing to this man, I rather let it eat me inside instead of talking to him about it outside of that monthly talk we have

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

That's testing him - every single thing you wrote.  I am baffled as to why you go to these lengths -is it because of the past porn use so you feel almost obsessive about checking how attracted he is? It's not normal what you're doing IMHO.  He's a human being for goodness sake.  Not a robot and different things arouse different people at different times.  You're wrong that liking porn means he likes visual stuff with you as some sort of rule.  No it doesn't.  Porn is visual - he gets turned on by porn.  With you he might or might not.  People are varied, people change and evolve.  All you need to know -do you trust that he is sexually attracted to you and wants a romantic relationship with you? If yes that's the end of it. 

If in the future he stops wanting to have sex with you as often AND it bothers you there are ways to address it -it may have to do with a medical or mental health or fatigue issue, might have to do with libido changes whatever but that's not happening now. He says he is sexually attracted to you so end it there. 

If you are still focused on his sexual excitement from porn and that is not ok with you or you're bizarrely trying to compete -which is how it comes across - then don't marry him cause you don't trust him enough and you're going to drive him away and squelch his sexual desire quite fast IMO.

I dont know where you get your rage from,because it is certainly not from my response. I dont even know how you mistake (maybe you do it on purpose) 'putting up an act because I know he likes it' with 'oh Im gonna test him because now I look good'. Did it cross your mind that people do actually seduce their partner for the sake of....seducing their partner instead of testing them? I simply just cant react to the things you wrote because you keep on saying something that is not true 😕

I thought it was pretty obvious what I said. I do seduce him all the time, because it is fun, we are young, in love, etc. While doing so, I noticed what I wrote in the original post. That is it.

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

It's simple.  People get accustomed to seeing each other naked.  Men are in the room while their partners are giving birth.   Couples change clothes in front of each other and have conversations in the midst of it all the time.  None of these things necessarily need to lead to a boner or mean that "the thrill is gone."  

It's just that we are all inhabiting our bodies ALL THE TIME, so a body does not need to signify sex ALL THE TIME.

You are way preoccupied this type of thing - your boyfriend's sexual response to you. He is always having to answer for or defend his sexuality with you.    I am frankly shocked that your relationship survives it.

Thank you, you put it in a way that I do understand!

7 hours ago, Jaunty said:

would be completely appropriate for you to be interested in pleasing your partner with touch since you've learned that this is how he gets aroused.

Instead, you're preoccupied with how to somehow "make" him respond sexually to the sight of your body ... on demand. 

But it happens for obvious reasons. More than a year ago, I realized that he watched so much porn, for about 10 years. And since we had honest conversations about it, in conclusion -> he used to choose porn by the visuals of the actresses and the quality of the video. Basically it programmed my brain to think that he is turned on by visual stimuli, which leads to me not understanding why visual stimuli I make does not work most of the time, instead a loving kiss on his face does. This is all I talked about, no testing, nagging, etc

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do you truly believe he would marry you if he didn't feel sexually attracted? Why does he have to respond the way you believe he should -specifically? You're treating him like some sort of object of a science experiment.  Also who cares if he has an erection? Don't you enjoy being affectionate, sexual, touching, kissing whether or not his penis is hard? Do you truly believe if it's not it means he's not attracted to you or your looks?

You can't "make sure" as you put it - marriage is a leap of faith and is based on trusting that the other person is marrying you for all the right reasons.  Do you trust him? Seems to me you don't so you keep  testing and experimenting - that's gonna get old and annoying fast especially the sorts of questions you're asking - sex should be fun/enjoyable and if you keep up with this approach -it won't be for him -he'll feel like he's under a microscope (because he kind of is).  

Who cares if he desires you because of what you look like at that moment, because of some image in his head of what you looked like two years ago, or not at all because of what you look like - he simply feels like having sex or being sexual with you.  

I see what you mean but you got the wrong impression, I am not testing him or the relationship in any way and I truly mean that.

I want to tell an example that happened a week ago. I was really feeling myself that day, I looked pretty good and I spent a good amount of time putting up an act for him that I know he used to find sexy. Nothing came out of it. A quick "I see you there". Later that day I felt like a lovebomb, kissing his all over his face,making cute comments and just hugging him lovingly. He got excited. I just couldnt understand, when I was in his fav lingerie, it had no effect, but when I was in an ugly shirt with messy hair, just acting cute, he got excited. My mind went to a week before that, were listening to a podcast and the topic of porn came up. We started talking and he explained that he has to touch himself to make it work, even with porn, it doesnt just do it by itself. I didn't question him, I didn't nag him, but I had a feeling he just said it to make me feel good (that porn is not so powerful). I could not understand the fact that porn is a visual stimuli, and that does the job, but when I do the same, it doesnt always work like that, BUT my touch works always without exception. That is what I meant by attraction. Liking porn in the past means that he likes visual stuff, but with me, it is the sense of touch that works?

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems to respond to tactile stimulation better than talk.Men have refractory periods Please try to be more confident and enjoy each other. Is this the same man?

 

Yes, he is! To your previous comment, I found him talking to my mom about engagement, so Im happily announcing that the 'he wont marry because of already living together ' statement was a false prediction. He became really serious nowadays, he is trying so hard. This is kind of the main reason I make such a big fuss about intimacy, because I want to make sure that he really is attracted to me and he doesnt marry someone whom he doesnt find pleasure in. Im sure in his love for me, and Im sure he enjoys sexual activities with me, Im just not so sure about this visual part. I remember a year ago posting about past porn use, and even though we are over the hard times, sometimes I wonder - if he could enjoy visual stimuli (porn), should he not get turned on every time he sees me being visually pleasing?

14 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Think about it like this. If you had pizza every night for a week, by the end of that week that pizza wouldn't seem as appetizing. It might still taste wonderful and you might still enjoy it, but you wouldn't be as excitied for it. On the other hand, if it's been two months since you had a pizza from your favorite place, you may be salivating in anticpation, remembering just how much you enjoy it. 

When it comes to love, relationships, and sex, every person is different and every relationship is different. Each person will have their own tastes and preferences. Part of the fun is discovering what works for the two of you. It's discovering each others centers of pleasure and finding the best ways to maximize the enjoyment the other side receives. And that doesn't have to just involve sex or something physcial. If the anticpation is that there will always be sex, the body might become used to it. Sometimes it can be useful to remember that the mind and heart are also erogenous zone.

Ooh,thats nice. I mean your example,I can understand it. I thought it has something to do with attraction, I didn't realize that people can 'get used to ' the view of the other's body. Thank you!

I had a thought train today which I wanted to talk to my partner about. Later I realized that when I tease him after shower or by getting dressed seductively, he is less likely to get a hard on than if I touched him, which only takes like 5 seconds and it doesnt matter where I touch him. My first thought immediately took me to the fact of his past porn habits, but more than a year passed since he used it so recklessly, so I decided it is not the case.

So I decided to talk to him. He explained to me that he has one thing encoded in his brain : if we dont have sex at the moment, we will be having it a few hours later. The maximum days we leave out is about 3, but that only happens like once a month. He told me that since we are intimate almost every day, the sight is usual to him and getting turned on just by it is a longer proccess, it takes him the thought of sex, because if he just looks at me, he simply admires my beauty. Also mentioned that he enjoys sex the same way, it is exciting as always ,but if I want him to get hard just by looking at me, I have to starve him a little because he is content and well fed.

I never knew that this existed. I wanted to chat about it a bit more, but he had work to do. Can anybody enlighten me a bit more ?

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He watches you because he enjoys it.  Not because he is "visual" or watches porn.  He watches other women's private parts because it brings him pleasure.  Not because he is visual or a man.

Oh, so basicly more simple than I thought. 

On the other women stuff, he doesnt at the moment, but in the future I might even be okay with it. Anyway, now I get it, thanks! 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

LOL at the word salad -all people are visual if they can see -even blind people I bet have visual images depending on their particular blindness situation.  Some men and some women are more into what a person looks like for purposes of romantic relationships than others -all romantic relationships not just hetero.  For some it's the trophy arm candy reason for others it's about attraction or having a certain type. 

Some people who are focused on their partner's features to a more significant extent like to have sex in the dark because when having intercourse they just like it that way and perhaps prefer to imagine their partner and like the romanticisim of the dark.  

The very best sex I've ever had is when I've been engaged or married -for me it's all about the emotional and sexual experience which is greatly enhanced because I know the love and commitment is there.  I am a very visual person.  I am not a person heavily focused on someone's physical features.  Both are true.

If your boyfriend enjoys viewing nude/scantily clad women he doesn't know and will never know then it sounds like he is a person who gets pleasure out of watching women who look a certain way.  It doesn't mean he is visual in general - is he a person who appreciates works of art and can tell you specifically why? Is he a person who notices the set design or theatrical lighting in a live peformance? Get back to basics.  

I don't think most men and women who get off on porn and are married would prefer to be with the naked person or wants their partner to look more like the naked person.  With exceptions.  For example if the partner is very overweight and doesn't take care of him or herself and is not making any effort then watching someone who is fit and healthy looking and sparkly looking might make the partner wish their partner would put in more effort. Not to look like the porn star just to show them they care about their health, fitness and looks.

I read it twice and still dont understand, sorry. I dont know if I am tired or just my english is not englishing. Do you say that he watches me because people like to watch, or because he watched porn before? I also watched porn and I dont care about looking. But I guess breasts and womens cheeks are nice to look at. 

9 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Hanna, my ex-husband was addicted to porn many years before he met me.  It was extremely self-destructive, it negatively impacted how he viewed relationships and women in general.  

He made a decision and went cold turkey and stopped.  In time, his mindset completely changed and he began viewing relationships and women much more realistically and after a period of time, was able to enjoy porn for the sheer fantasy of it, a diversion from the hum drum of daily life. 

We even watched together on occasion and it actually enhanced our already robust sex life! :)

Please understand why some men view porn on occasion (NOT obsessively or addictively).  At least my understanding of it based on men I've talked to, my boyfriends and ex-hub, my brothers and articles I've read. 

They DON'T want these women as girlfriends, they DON'T want to have a relationship with them.  And they certainly would NOT want you looking like them or emulating them.  

For one thing, it's completely FAKE.  Women who star in such films don't really look like that, it's all smoke and mirrors along with the sex they're performing, the operative word being "performing."

And any man or person with two brain cells to rub together knows that.

So for you to be feeling as insecure as you do, thinking he's comparing you to them or that he wishes you looked like them or had sex like they do or whatever else you're feeling insecure about or threatened by is not warranted by anything realistic. 

Again, it's a FANTASY! A diversion from the hum drum.   NOT you it has nothing to do with you.

This is assuming it's not an addiction and watching a video once every two weeks is hardly an addiction from my perspective.

I suggested this earlier by why do you even have to know about it?  Have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy and focus on the two of you and your connection, your relationship with each other! 

Forget about whatever diversion or fantasy he chooses to entertain every few weeks, it's normal perhaps even healthy on some level. 

It serves to keep things with you alive and HOT versus him feeling suffocated, stifled and boxed-in by all your rigid rules about what YOU personally find acceptable and what you don't. 

Something to consider otherwise you WILL eventually lose him.

Bottom line -- LET GO.

 

 

 

This is good, thank you!! 

I would like to add a bit of information I came to learn about what I exactly fear. I was watching my favorite series and the main couple had a sensual sexual scene. They are not attractive people, at least not for me. The situation gave me the thoughts that I am waiting for my boyfriend to get home. At that moment I realized, my problem was not porn in general, or that he masturbates to some content. It is that he doesnt always get turned on by the act itself, but the women. This is why he watched the same person before me day and night, watched her a bit while having me, why he got turned on by a music mix video with a modell in it. I feel like it is the women, not simply sexual things. He told me before that it is the sex scene that is a turnon, how he sees angles he cant see while having sex, and it might be true to an extent, since I saw some actresses that are definitely not attractive for him. So I can correct my opinion on what I feel : I fear that if it is the women, he can get turned on by any half naked hot woman (I dont have a sister but I would feel bad if he had a boner because I showed him a family beach video), and he will always choose porn for looks, like it is not enough that he has a pretty gf. I know Im exeggarating (uh, this is probably not how you say it, correct me if Im wrong), but I hardly got over the fact that he watched the same actress for 15 or more times, defo for looks, because she looks exactly like me when we became a couple and he approached me because he was so into my shape. 

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You said you wanted to make sure you had the appropriate amount of visual appeal given his penchant for porn stars. So

Not for that. For imrpovement. Would be hard to not do it, because he wants to look at me. One time I said that he needs to watch me because he is so used to porn, but someone here corrected me that people who dont watch porn still need to watch their partner because they are visual and many people doesnt even like to do it in the dark. 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

Most of your bf's sexual issues were probably due to all of his sexual experience being with masturbation to porn.   

Now he has experience with having a sexual relationship with a live person - you.

Makes sense, thank you 

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also it's very concerning that you are motivated to look more visually pleasing because he has found porn stars attractive.  If you are even considering going down that path, or acting on it -get help.  It's normal to want to look attractive for yourself and also for your partner -dressing up for a date, putting on some makeup if you look pale even if you'll be home all day with your partner, etc.  but if you feel that to keep him with you/happy/satisfied you have to compete with porn stars - ok there's a huge red flag.

I do it because I love the reaction I get. 

34 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OP, what are your thoughts about what's quoted above? 

I do agree and I answered the questions to clear it up a bit. You see, as I said, I dont know if his disfunction was because we were not yet good in sex, or because of porn, or both. And I will never find that out, because now we are good at it, and he wont ever consume the same amount of porn while being in a relationship with me (he probably will in the future, but if this much again, I certainly would not stay. I also have to add that he reassured me that we wont ever go back, because now he sees things differently and masturbation is only for when it is sure he cant have sex instead - his choice) 

36 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Does your bf compare you to these porn stars, find flaws with you, and criticize you and your physical appearance?

He never once told me anything bad about my body. 

37 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

he unable to have functional sex with you?  Get an erection while having sex with you, and orgasm?

In the past, there were times when he could not finish, saying that he is too tired. Or when he rejected me, again, tired. That time we only had sex like twice a week, or every maybe once. To be precise, around 7 times a month went to 12-20 times a month. It could be more than just his past porn use. Since I became aware of the porn thing, I also became more aware of my own body. I have learnt how I can take control so he doesnt carry the full act, how I can be more visually pleasing, and I also allow myself to have him pleasure me. I dont know that if it was just the porn that made him less pursuable and more "cant finish", then how could he change so fast. Im sure I wasnt as visually pleasing as porn, but now that I am, and I take effort in looking good during sex, alllwing myself to enjoy, he never seems to give up Just bc he is tired. 

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If that is how you feel -reread as needed what you wrote above and know that you don't trust him enough in this area that is so essential to you -and obviously believing your partner is faithful and loyal is a must -and with your standards you don't trust him.  As long as you have your standards and your need to have this level of control and you feel this way right now -resentful and like you have to build up trust based on the video -step aside and let both of you find better matches.  It will eat at you in your current mindset and with your current beliefs and perspectives. Then seek therapy -individually to work on whether your mindset and perspective jibe with who you really want to be and want to be when you interact with and relate to others.  

Good luck.

As you wrote it, and I read it, it sounds stupid, I meant my situation. To be honest, reading back all of the comments, I dont even know what my exact problem is. I feel like a person can enjoy a racy video, on the other hand, I think of it like this : if you keep looking at BMWs, you will get disappointed with your 20 year old Suzuki. I feel like you can have it, but also, it makes you realize your partner's flaws. I remember my female friend went on a vacation with her bf and 5 other guys (family). All of them were well built, except her bf. She didnt even realize her bf had a bit of tummy fat until that vacation. She didnt mention, didnt shame or anything, jut told me she didnt even see it before. I think I am scared of being less because of these virtual people. If literally nothing bad could come out of it, I would care less. I dont want him to feel like "Oh, these girls have abs and no cellulite, my gf is not the same... Idk about it, I love her and wouldnt exchange her, but I see it".  

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

He may be building up a monumental store of anger and resentment towards you.  I certainly would be if I were in his situation.  

What about my resentment? I have built up a new picture of him the past 7 months. I became trustful again, that he doesnt care about anyone but me sexually, and the porn menace is finally over. I am happy he was at least honest and he kept his word about not lying to me, but still hearing "yeah, I did watch the video, I did get in the mood". When we started again, I told him he can take his time and move with small steps instead of cutting it off completely. He said no, it is not a big deal for him. Then why watch a meaningless video if he knows he will get excited. 7 months down the drain, now I am the one AGAIN who has to build up trust 

30 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he selling your videos to these apps?

What the hell, no?! Why would anyone do that, especially if they are a good person?! Never said that he is bad. He is one of the most caring and kind people I know, he helps others, not bring them down like this 

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why was he on these sites? 

For porn? Ncore is the biggest porn downloading site in my country, and phub also

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Was he addicted to porn? Making your own porn won't help that. 

Addiction is a tricky word. I can only sleep with my teddy bear. I can only do the big thing on the toilet if I have my phone. He could only masturbate with porn. Doesnt mean he did it every day. Just that every time he did it, he used it. To answer this question, if addiction means my teddy bear and my phone, yes, he was also addicted. If we take addiction to the level where you skip your must do stuff for the drug, he was not. Maybe he was before me, but as far as I know, probably every third day he did it. Is it addiction? I dont know. Before me, there were days he did it continously. 

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why do you presume to speak for anyone but yourself? 

Im sorry but are you saying that masturbating to people is a must? A need? There is no life wirhout it? I spend a lot of money on coffee and still it is possible to life without it. I like it, but if I had to stop, I could. It is not a life threatening thing to stop drinking coffee. Dont confuse wants with needs. You dont need coffee, you want coffee. What you need is sleep, food, water, sex for reproduction. Nothing else. Anything outside those things are wants. I want coffee. I want plants. I want a new skirt. So no, it is a fact, you dont have to masturbate to women, you want to, so you choose to. To answer the question if I would give up things for others, I would. If it hurts him that I spend so much on plants, I can stop or compromise. Our compromise was homemade videos every single time he asks for new ones, without any complaint from me.

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

@hannarivers - you have mentioned that you need to "deprogram" yourself, and you are "liking" some comments that are telling you that you need to stop all of this.  Yet, in your posts, you continue to justify, explain and attempt to normalize your actions.

 

Because I am the kind of person who needs step by step instructions. I have OCD and my brain doesnt let me process anything until it is 10000+1 percent clear. And yes, Ive seen doctors with that. 

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And what would you think if you noticed this happening? 

What would be your inner dialogue with yourself? 

 

I would ask myself why. Because if I see a hot guy doing some sexual stuff, and I dont think much into it, I dont get turned on. I would not understand why he thinks of it like that, why cant he just see it as a normal thing and not a turnon. He also told me once that he has to merge into the thought to get excited. Like, if I walk in front of him naked, and he just looks and doesnt pay attention, nothing happens. But if he goes with the flow, he will get an up. So my point was, why cant he just look at these mixes and think like "ok, woman" instead of getting into it. Masturbation to others is not a must. You wont feel depressed if you dont masturbate to content. You might get moody without sex and orgasm in general. Your life wont be less fun or worse quality by missing out on naked virtual people. 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

, there are things that can be done to help a relationship recover from that.

Like what? Because after I got traumatized by the lying and got deadly insecure by his porn use, all he did was stop ncore and hub. Ive never been insecure before this happened. I felt alive in my skin, loved my body. But I realized that sex once a week or twice in ten days for a young couple was not the best, even more because he used porn still, instead of pursuing me, or sometimes he even told me he was tired to have sex and rejected me. Now he only rejects me if he cant even stay awake. He pursues me all the time. He touches me like all that exists is me. You see why I am concerned? I understand he turned into a better man, and we change as we grow older and learn from mistakes. Even though I know he learned, I still fear for my position. 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Granted, there is a softer version of porn, that you enjoy watching.

I gather your boyfriend enjoys it too?  And that you watch together?  If so, that's awesome and I mean that. 

The issue is you deem that type of softer porn "healthy," and you view harder porn that your boyfriend watches on occasion as "unhealthy."

Which is your opinion based on your personal hangups about human sexuality, your insecurity, anxiety and the like. 

It's NOT fact. 

That said hard porn can become unhealthy IF it becomes an addiction and/or negatively impacts a person's sexual intimacy with their partner.  Soft porn can as well. 

Which in your case, it has NOT.  By your own admission you and he share a robust sex life, your making sex tapes together etc.

YOU simply have an aversion to it and don't like it. Again, that is your opinion NOT fact. 

Keep in mind your boyfriend is NOT you.  You are two completely separate people with your own likes and dislikes.

Nor are YOU the arbiter of what's healthy or unhealthy nor do you have any power or control over what HE enjoys watching on occasion 

That is the issue from where I'm sitting. And unless and until you can let go of your need to control what he enjoys and simply accept him for who he is, what he enjoys watching on occasion different from what YOU enjoy, and allow him to simply "be," your relationship imo doesn't stand a chance. 

I didnt say these videos were made for me. They were made for him and I only enjoy it because he does, and it is a turnon. He chose everything that should be in it. 

We only have good sexlife since I found out about his lying. He stopped porn, and we took the time to learn new things. He desires me waaay more since then. So of course I am scared that those women will take my place again:) 

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

There is no solid answer to this. 

One person drinks a whiskey every night after dinner and doesn’t see that as “too much.” Another does. Some think sex outside of marriage is “too much,” while others don’t. Ditto porn, masturbation. In short, we all get to set our own values. 

I think you’re reluctant to really call this a personal value because on some level you know it’s not. The issue is you want him fixated on you, you only, and any deviation on that makes you feel incredibly insecure, in your skin and alongside him, and out of control. 

No. There is the value side to the story and the factual side. A doctor could tell if a whiskey every day is too much or not. If it doesnt burden your organs, it is healthy. 

56 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you seem to harbor resentment and insecurities about being cheated on in the past.

Your BF is seems to just amuse and pacify you but clearly finds others attractive and arousing. He's also finding ways around your policing through racy videos, etc.

You've created a real forbidden fruit scenario making just about every other woman real or on screen more appealing than you. That's the sad irony of this police state.

You are a bit too dramatic, just like me. Ever read the part where I wrote what he said? He told me he listened to MUSIC. And while he did that, he saw a glimpse of the video and made him realize a few mins later that a session would feel nice, so he got our vid and had it. I am just villainizing him that it was purposeful, but he told me eye to eye that "yes, there was an occasion when he watched the video too, but was never his intention to watch women, just opening a song". I heard those songs many times in the car, just never looked at it. So this could be true, I am just assuming the worse

21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You said you are even upset about him watching regular movies or music videos because there might be an actress he finds attractive who might inspire him to masturbate later on. So no, it isn't just when he deliberately seeks out porn.  It's any woman in any form of media that you find threatening and who you feel insecure about.

So you're not on some anti-porn, women's rights crusade or something. It's about fearing your boyfriend might find someone other than you sexually arousing. Even though he has zero intention to cheat or pursue any of those women.

Nope. I said that if he can get turned on by such a merely little thing like this, we cant even watch a movie without him getting an erection. Never said I wont. Just a tought that if this happens, then that happens too.

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He can also make and share copies after you break up

Trust in him I have. Kinda my choice. You told me that you dont trust your husband that he wont forget things, but you trust him other ways. I dont trust mine with sexuality, I trust him in every other ways. 

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

you're wiling to risk your "healthier version" of porn being viewed by whoever has access to the internet.  

Its not on the internet. If someone doesnt come to my house and steal the pendrive, its is impossible to find. There is healthier version of porn, Idk what anyone says about that. You can find costly sites where the producers are women, they choose what is best for the actresses, they have breaks, they have a word in what they are comfy with. It doesnt morph your mind into thinking that the male vision porn is the norm for sex, because those women show what they do actually enjoy. I went for that kind, and it is realistic, so it is healthier. I wont argue on this. 

1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

He is being treated like a criminal simply for being a human being. 

I dont know any other way to word my problem. My problem is not being turned on, or finding people attractive. Rather the fact that I dont know what is healthy and what is too much, like obsession. Another example: I loved korean boybands when I was a teen. My friend too. I listened to their music and watched shows about them. Sounds ok. But my friend covered all of her walls in posters, she wrote sexual stories about them, she watched deepfake videos about them. This is too much, right? If I knew what was healthy, I would not care. I dont now if it is an obsession if a guy watches a music video because a hot woman in it, then he gets turned on and does the deed. If it is healthy? Okay, I will deal with it. I only consider breaking up if he is some obsessed boy who likes women in a unhealthy way