Hey, there, I’m so, so sorry in advanced for the long post, I’m having trouble putting my thoughts down in a cohesive way. A million thanks to anyone that can trudge through this entire post.
I (28F) and my bf (30M) have been together for 5 years. I love my bf very much, but some circumstances have made it so that I don’t think it’s healthy/feasible to be together anymore and I don’t know what to do.
My bf has a history of mental health issues. Things like severe depression and anxiety to the point of being borderline agoraphobic, OCD, and at one point they even suspected he had schizophrenia because of hallucinations. He has attempted suicide several times before we met, and has thought about it seriously enough a few times during the course of our relationship to the point where he’s contacted the suicide prevention hotline to talk him down.
His mental health has always been a challenge in our relationship. We’re also pretty confident that he may be on the spectrum, though he’s never been tested. I’ve always tried to be supportive (I have my own issues though—ADHD and ASD—so it was rough in the beginning of our relationship, but we eventually settled into something that worked well for us), and have helped him with finding therapy and resources online.
For context, I do not and have never had depression or anxiety as a diagnosed condition, though I do occasionally experience them as a symptom of my diagnosed conditions. I want to make it clear that I in no way am blaming my bf for having to deal with his mental health issues or that I don’t have my own trauma/issues as well. I don’t want to come off as though my bf is the only problem here because he isn’t.
Here’s where the dilemma is. I’ve made a huge decision. I’m re-enlisting in the Army after being out of service for 6 years. He and I talked about it and we’re both onboard with the idea. We decided the best course of action to continue our lives together would be to get married. We have 3 beautiful dogs that we consider to be our children and a gorgeous kitty. We’ve built an entire life together. He’s very excited about our future once I’m back in.
Recently though, the more I’ve been thinking about what that future is going to look like… the more I don’t like it. I know I need to talk to him, but I really have no one else to talk about this with first or bounce ideas off of, so it’s been difficult understanding how I feel about this.
So, my bf is asexual and I am not. This is fine, I knew what I was signing up for when I pursued this relationship. I do not ever expect any form of sexual experiences with him, although they do sometimes happen when he is in the mood (which is not often). I also, up until recently, have not thought about other people in a sexual or romantic manner, being that I was completely satisfied with our arrangement. I am dad that i don’t get that kind of intimacy often, but it’s been worth it until now.
The issue is that, due to his mental health, he neglects his hygiene severely. He has lost parts of his tooth that came off because of a cavity that got really bad due to not brushing and although I’ve talked to him about how serious this is (he says he’s also sure he might have gum disease) and how I’d be happy to help him pick out a dentist (he hasn’t been in over a decade due to fear and anxiety about dentists) to help him get that fixed and offered to accompany him or drive him or whatever he needs to feel comfortable, he says he will but then doesn’t make any effort. His fear has overridden any rationality he may have had about this.
He says that it’s better if all his teeth were pulled/gone and that he get dentures because then he wouldn’t have to take care of them. This statement was very… concerning and disturbing. He has said something similar about his body dysmorphia and wanting to cut off his genitalia. This has also really disturbed me and made me extremely uncomfortable.
The tooth thing has been especially concerning for me. His mouth smells bad and I no longer like kissing him or having his mouth near me. We’ve talked about it, so he’s not unaware. Even though we’ve discussed it, I still find myself having to ask him to please brush his teeth and then feeling bad that I’m drawing attention to his insecurity that I’ve already talked to him about and that he knows is an issue. In the rare moments that he wants to get frisky with me, I feel bad about saying this, but I feel genuine disgust. I’m pretty squeamish, so it’s a reaction I wish I didn’t have, but I do. I always brush off his advances, and then feel bad after.
I’ve started having fantasies about being desired and loved on romantically and sexually by someone else (not an actual person, just a fantasy), and I find myself not sexually or romantically attracted to my partner anymore. I don’t get taken out, I’m solely responsible for paying all the bills because he’s too afraid of making phone calls or he’ll forget about the bills, so I feel like I’m pulling a lot of weight alone, he has no ambitions or goals aside from video games which he plays quite literally all day when we’re not working, so I’ve learned to be very independent, and there’s a lot more. These were always things that didn’t bother me much, but because of how I’m feeling, these minor things have become tangled in the mix of problems I’m noticing.
He is also very self aware and has asked me several times if I’m sure I want to be with someone like him for the rest of our lives or he wonders why I haven’t left him yet. These thoughts have been more vocalized lately (past two months or so) and it’s what has gotten me thinking about our future together in this way. I always tell him that I love him (I do, but I realized recently that I’m not in love with him anymore) and care about him and that I just want what’s best for him. I can see myself deflecting his questions here. I think he can feel how I’ve started pulling away though.
In any case, I’m sooo afraid of what will happen if I tell him all of this. I’m afraid he’s going to lose it. He’s said before that he wishes he was homeless because he hates money and hates working and he’s been homeless before and it wasn’t that bad. I’m scared for him. That he’ll hurt himself or end up on the streets. The thought of him out there fending for himself fills me with dread and forms a pit in my stomach. One good thing is that he had a breakdown (the breakdown is not the good part) a couple of days ago and I talked to him about getting better and he emailed not one but three therapists. I told him I’m very proud of him.
I feel that I’m the only thing keeping him sane and safe. He’s clearly still very in love with me, he makes sure to tell me often lately. He’s been more vocal about how special I am to him and how I matter more than anyone else in his life. I’m scared that I’m being selfish by being with him, by not telling him how I’ve been feeling lately, but I don’t feel ready to tell him yet. I’m scared of what’s going to happen. I don’t have any support except for him, so I’m on my own. I’m also scared of the guilt I’m feeling, making me not think clearly. I’m scared that I’m going to not stand up for myself and do what’s best for me because I’m worried for him. I’m so torn.
I’m also really scared about what will happen to our pups. I can’t keep them in the army if I’m not married, unless I’m rank E-5 or above because then I can live outside of the barracks as a single person (I’ll be an E-3 so I’ll have at least two years before that can happen). I trust him completely with the pups but I don’t want to burden him if he’s going to be alone while I’m off doing stuff in the Army. I’d want to help him with any costs related to them.
I don’t mind a marriage of convenience where we’re married on paper so he can use my benefits as a soldier to get the help he needs, so long as we sign a prenup and can get divorced without hassle when the time is right. We were planning to get a prenup anyway. He’s not a slob, or a bad person, or a nutcase. He’s mentally ill and I care about him a lot. I want to make sure that when I leave for the Army, he’s set up for success.
I don’t know what to do or how to bring this up. I know I can’t be responsible for the decisions that other people make, but it still scares me what he could do to himself. The situation is more complex than I’m typing out here, but this is the best I could do, and even then, it’s so verbose. Please, what would you do if you were in my shoes? I need some serious advice. I feel so lost and alone. I care about him so much, I feel so hurt by all this.
