Sindy_0311

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I suggest after you talk for a few days that you should invite them to meet for a coffee. I always did that and most guys agrees to meet pretty quickly. I did that because I hate talking online for like one or two weeks and then the person just ghosts. I'd rather meet them for an hour or two in person and get a good idea about them in real life. And even if I never see them again, at least I only wasted two hours and nor two weeks or months lol

Well, I have an other opinion there. I don't invite them for coffee. I wait until they do it. I mean, I'm already interacting with the guy, why should I invite him. The firs time I did it, it turned out I had to go to his part. which I never did BTW. It's the man's job to invite the girl and stick out from the others. 

Also have to mention that Online dating is a long process. You probably won't find your guy in weeks. I have been trying apps for two years now, and I can easily say I met many poor quality guys. But with time I'm getting better at deciphering a good to a bad profile/person. For instance: I don't get players anymore, because now I recognize them very well. 

Also would suggest you stick to only one app. because if guys see you have profiles everywhere, it looks kinda desperate. also don't mention you want marriage kids etc early on. because IMO guys don't necessarly look for serious relationships, they get into one once they have feelings for the woman. Try to privilege connection, be fun, kind and try to enjoy yourself. Don't put any pressure on it.  

Also agree, try to set a meet after 2/3 days of texting, no longer, and instead of simple calls, I suggest video calls. easier to now whether you are really attracted to the guy and vice versa.

But hey, I have to say that online dating sucks... I don't really see high value men there... you better don't loose your time, just go out and find them in RL. 

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

 I agree 100%.  My point was that if the sex with the woman wasn't great, it can inspire a guy to lose interest and leave.  I mean, he was "test driving"  too.

 

Yea. Of course. I remember one guy I had a crush on, we slept together pretty soon and I didn’t like it. So, sometimes it’s easier to « test drive » to stop fantasize about someone. And somehow I find it easier to let go when I know the potential (or lack of) of the guy. At least I had a full picture and don’t fantasize about what it would have been like to sleep with him. It makes it easier for me to go next… 

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

  Unfortunately, sometimes the sex is lackluster or even a turnoff, and that can kill interest for either or both parties.

Let me rephrase: it can be a turn off for men that aren’t 100% into you…

I think there’s no way you can trigger interest just by making them wait. It’s either there or it’s not from the start. 
But I agree when you say OP should feel comfortable having sex no matter the outcome. I’ve had sex with guys after 3 dates knowing that it wouldnt lead anywhere and I was ok with it. But I also and huge cruches on guys I never slept with because I didn’t want to go to fast but at the end it didn’t change anything as I had a hard time letting them go as well… 

3 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I think if a guy is going to freak out or become turned off after sex and bolt OR his only goal was having sex, it won't matter if you have sex on the third date or 20th date.

Many women have been "pumped and dumped" after waiting weeks or sometimes months.  Other women like myself have had LTRs after having early sex.

There is no way to know for certain, it's all a risk no matter how you slice and dice.

But if you learn to become resilient and have trust in yourself that you will be OK no matter what the outcome, your partner will feel that energy and chances are everything will be fine. 

On the other hand, if you become anxious and act on that anxiety, seeking reassurance and validation and become too attached to the outcome, your partner will feel that negative energy and become turned off. 

The reality is it's all a risk that you must be willing to take imo.  There are no guarantees.

I’ve been thinking about this today. Because i also struggle a bit in dating. And finally, I came to the conclusion that you just have to do you. No matter if you have sex on the 3rd date or wait for exclusivity, when the right person appears, it will make no difference. We all have different lives, experiences, personalities. We all go on our own path. If guys withdraw after having sex, they just weren’t the one. You can do no wrong when you meet mr right. So my advice would be to just continue dating those men, being yourself, sleeping with them if you want to, and someday you will meet the one who will appreciate your authenticity and be aligned to your pace. Stop thinking that there is something wrong with you, or that you should change anything in your behavior. The only thing that’s wrong is that your man didn’t crossed your path yet. Be patient… 

38 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Of course, and that's exactly what you need to do.  The "right" guys will appreciate you for who you are,  and the others will fall away.  

Keep in mind, though, that the MAJORITY of the men you date are not going to be your partner.  You have to accept that and not take it as personal rejection.  Sometimes you'll feel like they WERE going to be your partner and they didn't feel the same way; that can hurt.  But it's part of dating.

The pattern you describe sounds pretty typical, at least up to a point.  When the guys are fading out, that just means that you and they aren't going to be going on to any "next level."  When you withdraw, they will still contact you for sex because they have learned from experience that you're okay with being sexual without a  committed relationship having been established.  

If this pattern is hurtful for you, it's up to you to change the pattern. This doesn't mean that you can't "be yourself."  

 

I think there is a problem with waiting for exclusivity to have sex. Me personally, I couldn't go exclusive with a guy without trying him. I mean, for me physical intimacy and sexual compatibility is as important than the rest, if not more... So how could I pretend to be exclusive, or asking him to be if once we tried I don't like it for any reason... I also know that my feelings or my attachment cannot grow if I don't get intimate with a guy. How can you be exclusive with someone that you don't feel completely. This is the drama of my dating life LOL

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it helped me because I learned a lot about myself and my standards, it was a pleasant distraction at times when I was in between serious relationships, etc.  But nope -not to "the one."  

 

I learn a lot too, and somehow enjoy meeting new people. But still I tend to believe that it’s a loss of time. So easier to meet guys in real life without all this texting/ call process, which in my opinion, diminishes the excitement, spontaneity and therefore the quality of the person you are going to meet… 

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I never dated online.  I met in person ASAP after first contacting on a dating site with one exception - which I didn't regret but wasn't the best use of my time for sure.  I met over 100 men in person and communicated with far more -my 15-20 minute phone call weeded out those who weren't for me for one reason or the other so I met very few men who acted like jerks in person.

So is it fair to assume that online dating didn’t lead to anything for you? Because to what I understood you married your coworker. A friend of mine told me yesterday to stop online dating and to just wait for someone to show up in real life. It’s been two years now and I don’t see any result with those guys… like OP. 
 

2 minutes ago, Marc30 said:

I do think she knows that I want more. The question is, is it good to maybe walk with her with the dog, and then tell her how I feel? So I at least have an answer to my questions? 
 

i do know for sure that they have something with each other. But I don’t think they are a couple. Because if they would be together, she would stop contact completely. 

I would rather invite her to do something, concert, activity or try a new restaurant. If she accepts, yet you know she might be open for more… if she declines then at least you know you have been friend-zoned… 

I would set up a more meaningful or Romantic context instead of just throwing the thing at her face while walking with the dogs. 
Don’t forget that she is seeing someone right now, so you better upgrade your game… 

5 minutes ago, Marc30 said:

Hey Sindy,

because I came out of a relationship and I kinda felt that I want things to move on in a slower pace. When I went out I was drunk and I didn’t reply. Now I don’t party anymore I only do sports and she knows that, because we often in contact. She also told me that she likes me , but since she is seeing someone else , I guess she put me in the friendzone. 
 

and to be honest , no it’s not a ego thing, it’s just that I have feelings for her and I would like to be in a relationship with her, because whenever we around each other we always have a fun time. But since march she pulled back, she meets with me almost everyday but only to walk with the dogs or sometimes hang out . But there is no dates or anything. 

Do you think she knows what you want from her? I mean if a guy starts to slow down while dating or being in a relationship I assume he isn’t ready or not that into me. 
maybe time to display your cards before she gets something serious with the other guy. Could be she is waiting for you to make a real move. And I don’t mean by that walk with the dogs. I mean something like invite her out to diner and confess your feelings… 

After all, you don’t really know what’s going on between her and this guy.

3 hours ago, Marc30 said:

because I had said to her that everything goes a bit too fast for me

Can you explain why you said that? I don’t get it… and why did you ignored her while partying? Are you sure you are really into her? 

3 hours ago, Marc30 said:

The thing is  I would like to win her for me.

Isn’t this all about your ego? 

Sindy 🇨🇭 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I am a very sexual and physical person too.  I'm also  foodie who loves chocolate. I made choices with sex with my long term goals, my emotional health and my physical health in mind.  I make choices in when I indulge in less healthy/unhealthy foods in much the same way. You don't have to let your desires override what is in your best interests, right?

I think if OP has such desires she could get herself some regulars/casual relationships to fulfill her needs and still go on dates with serious prospects… 

30 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

My stubbornness is always trying to fight me on this as I am a very physical person

Same for me. I have a hard time waiting for intimacy. But people in this forum made me understand it was a mistake sleeping with guys after 2 or 3 dates. 

i guess you can only read a man’s interest in his willingness to see you and arrange dates. I don’t mean by that Netflix and chill, I mean going out, restaurant, movies, activities. 

What he says to you doesn’t matter at all. OMG I have heard so much of crap in the last two years by guys that weren’t really into me. Even guys coming back after two months, double/triple texting to see me, and when they got what they want, silence again. 

yesterday a young Italian I was dating last sommer for some month texted me out of the blue for the second time. Fist time I told him I was not interested, he reached out again yesterday and asked for a drink together. I told him no thanks and blocked him. He is 25, I’m 40, i imagine he just wanted a hock up, so he scrolled through his contact list and texted me… In the last 5 months, 8 guys I met last year did the same. They just reappeared without any plan or consistency…. They just do that. 

This usually happens with guys you meet online. They have dozens of female contact and plenty of options. That’s why it’s so hard to achieve in online dating. Maybe time to meet guys in real life after all… 🤷‍♀️

My first reaction would be to say that it’s common. As I’m going through a lot of dating lately… may I ask when or if you sleep with these guys? Because often it has to do with this.. 

Where does the guy come from? And where do you live? 

1 hour ago, Sindy_0311 said:

May I ask what nationality is your partner?

Maybe you don’t want to answer to protect him, also I asked whether he asked to marry you and your answer was unclear. 

These important questions would help understand his motivations. 

See, I have been dating a young albanian guy last year, he came in Switzerland without visa and struggled to find work. In the beginning he was all sweet, didn’t speak my language so we would speak English together. He would come strong and tell me anything a woman wants to hear. After a few weeks, when I already developed feelings for him, he asked me for money. He said he didn’t have and was stressed out. I said I would never give him money and that he shouldn’t ask me again. He said ok, sorry. (I should have blocked him but hey he was so sweet..,) than a few weeks later he tried again. That’s were I blocked him for real

After that I wanted to understand what are these guys motivation and how they proceed. As I had some time on my hands I started some conversations with guy from eastern countries (Albania, Serbia, Macedonia….) They would all be charming and so intense. I remember, one guy from Serbia, after a few days of conversation asked if he could come to Switzerland and meet me. I said sure, come during the weekend. And he replied, no I want to stay and live with you, I want to marry you. I asked him, how can you marry me if you don’t love me? He said: if I marry you, I will learn to love you. 

(love doesn’t matter to him as long as he gets a visa or a better situation… )

I’m not a fan of generalization, but there is a pattern you can easily recognize. 

Guys would be all sweet and charming in the beginning, they would make you fall in love. They would say they want to work, to provide. But they don’t. Or if they work, they do for some month, and then rely on someone else to pay for them. 

They would go out a lot, for some errands or to hang out with their buddies. Because they don’t fell like spending time with youat home. But hey, that’s just the beginning. In the best case, you will end up married to a lazy guy, cheating on you and wasting all your money and energy. In worst case, he will marry you, start treating you like sh****, and you won’t be able to get divorce because somehow, he will be intelligent enough to find a way to make you stay and waste your life. 

See, my best friend is in a bad situation. She’s also swiss (half Macedonian) She married a Macedonian guy when she was 20. He was so perfect for her, we all liked him sop much! They got two kids and after 10 years living together in Switzerland, having earnt enough money, buying some appartements he decided, out of the blue to go back live in Macedonia. She had no choice but to go with him. And now, there she is, married to an awful guy, violent, disrespectful, alone in Macedonia, away from her family and friends. She can’t go away because she can’t leave her children, she’s waiting for their majority to leave. She is depressed, gained much of weight and lost all her self-confidence.

Your story makes me feel bad, because of what my friend is going through now. I think you should start seeing him for what he is, a manipulative guy who seduced you for his own benefits. He obviously doesn’t love you and never will.

Are you willing to accept that??

8 hours ago, sweetlady said:

The love part I know is one sided. But my situation changes and it's more confusing.

I already knew it was the beginning of the end for me and him and I prepared myself very early on.

Having a baby I didn't actually think would happening but it did. I had my own selfish reason for getting pregnant certainly not to strengthen our relationships I knew that already nothing will change.

The thing is now a new twist in this situation come up today. So like just great which has got him on edge. 

Whatever happens I'm alive just feel sorry for my kids.

May I ask what nationality is your partner? 

18 hours ago, sweetlady said:

I do feel we had good times together but it was all for him to get a visa

Of course it was for the visa... I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Did he ever asked to marry you? This is the easy way for a guy to get a visa in Europe. Don’t know it is in your country… 

I just went the whole thread and for me, this is 100% a guy tacking advantage of you. I can’t find any proof of love from his part. Sorry… 

You’d better ask him to go away without any “serious discussion”. Only discussion you should have with him now is about the baby… 

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

We had none of that in USA.  6 weeks unpaid.  I had 12 weeks paid through my employer and then 2 weeks vacation time I'd banked.  Husband started traveling 2-3 days every other week once our son was 2 weeks old.  No sitter/baby nurse/nanny or family help.  We managed.

Ok. I was just curious, because if really 2 years… that would mean we are not that well treated here… 

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

k. We have maternity leave here where you are paid 80% income for at least 2 years(think if its the 3rd kid its more then 3 years)

OMG In Switzerland you only have 3month paid 80%. 

Also, I always found it was unfair that the father couldn’t have the same opportunity to stay with the kid. Meaning, why should I as a woman stay with the kid if I’m not even breastfeeding him? It’s a nonsense and there is no equality in there. 

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

I most definitely did not "benefit" financially from my divorce.

 

Me neither maybe because it was my wish to divorce. he stayed in the apartment, i searched for one. it was conveyed that we had to share half all our furniture and its basically the only thing we cut half. no kitchen ware, no household tools, no bed linen, nothing. but for me it was ok as i wanted to start a minimal lifestyle. i came in my apartment with only minimal stuff. and now i enjoy this lifestyle so much that i struggle buying anything new. (except for my wardrobe) 

still, during our marriage he was the one buying new cars (3 in 10 years) buying an expensive barista coffee machine or any other expensive stuff. I remember, once he bought me a 380$ tiny coat, i told him that was to expensive and asked him to bring it back to the store. 

26 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think if partners live together but they don't have children, they should try to pay 50/50. If one partner stays home with the kids (any gender) then inevitably the other partner will probably pay more. This is probably because the stay at home partner either isn't actually working or is only working part-time or casually.

I totally agree. I would always pay 50/50 having the same income. And when I got the baby, I had part time job during two years so I couldn’t afford paying 50%

But at the end of our marriage, we had same income, we usually took all my salary to pay the bills and I had a card to take from his account whenever I wanted, it was like a shared account. 
i didn’t like it at all because he used to ask me where the money was spent… 

Another issue when I came back to my full time job after having the kid is that my ex husband didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to be in charge of the household task alone anymore. It should be 50/50 for the money, but also for the tasks, men sometimes forget about that. 

So now I’m divorced, i pay the same all alone, it’s not easy but at least I don’t have to make my husbands laundry, diner, cleaning etc… alleluia 

11 hours ago, BugDug said:

"Always other people out there"

He is young and is not done playing the fields… 

he has a strong desire to know more women before getting a serious relationship. Let him have his experiences, let him go. 

3 minutes ago, Candyapplexox said:

Did you not read where I said this man was assaulted? 

Yeah i did, im sorry this happened to him. And I hope he is ok. but what does it have to do with what I said about FWB relationships? 
are you supposed to take care of him because you are his FWB? 

On 4/10/2023 at 8:55 PM, Candyapplexox said:

I have always been told that men and women can't only be friends. Because one person usually tries to be with the other person. And every time I've ever tried to be just friends with a guy (unless he was gay) he always hit on me or wanted sex.

 

Because you are so attractive that no man can resist you? These guys are not your friends then… 

I think there is no such thing as FWB. Maybe I’m the only one but I never understood this concept. 

I’m either in a casual relationship with someone, meaning we sleep together from times to times, chat a bit before and after, know little about each other and that’s it. It’s clear for both of us that we are not friends, we only hangout with each other because we enjoy the intercourse. 

Or I’m dating someone, learning to know that person and see if there is potential for something serious 

If he is your friend why would you even sleep with him? This is not a casual relationship you are having. It’s been way too long and to many boundaries crossed yet. You better stop it now before one of you develops feelings. (If not done yet)