OldSoulPH

It’s really tough and I’m so sorry you are going through this.  I’ve learned over time and from past relationships that any situation that causes you that much pain and anxiety to the point of affecting your physical health is simply not going to work.  I once lost over 50 pounds because of a woman who did nothing but play games with me.

As a guy who has suffered from anxiety and depression among other things my entire life, I admire you for your efforts and wish I could be with a woman who cares as much as you do.  So many women would look the other way as soon as there is a hint of anything negative - one woman who I was pondering proposing to even dumped me when I lost my job unexpectedly.  

Everyone has flaws, and life will undoubtedly have challenges along the way.  But you don’t deserve to be treated the way he is treating you.  One thing I have learned is that someone’s situation is no excuse for treating anyone badly.  If he really loves you, he wouldn’t do what he is doing. Read that last sentence over and over.

A recent reply to one of my posts in another forum really hit home for me.  I used to think every couple has their fair share of ups and downs, probably because of everything I went through growing up.  Then someone said in her 33 years of marriage, the downs are few and far between because they work together and respect each other.  One should feel safe, comfortable, and loved, not stressed, disrespected, and belittled.

You deserve to be happy.  Don’t let this guy continue to negatively affect your health.

I’m here if you want any advice from a guy’s perspective.  I feel your pain and am happy to help if I can.

On 12/13/2022 at 7:11 AM, Batya33 said:

Yes -passivity has no place -how about you take your propensity for lightning energy to another person and and transfer it to your child - show you love your child to the moon and back by acting in the child's best interests.  It's scary for a young child to see that other than in a true emergency - the parent is calm then screams when she see suddenly the child running towards the hot stove etc.  - or screams "stop!" - children can tell the difference.  One way for now is to tag team it -if you see her starting to lose patience don't tell her what to do -redirect the child, take the child to do something with you, etc.   

Thank you 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Is she like that with your young child?

Yes unfortunately 

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

When you say multiple personalities, is that the actual personality disorder she has? Or you just mean she has extreme mood swings?

Never been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist but Jekyll and Hyde is the best way to describe it.  More than just mood swings - she can become borderline violent without warning.

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So, no one claimed it would be "easy". I always wonder why people say "it's not easy!" No one has said "divorce your wife, easy peasy!" It's a tough decision.

It took me a full year before I finally proceeded with filing divorce papers. I thought long and hard for that whole year. And when I did file the papers I was nervous, shaky, wondering if I'd regret it. But it was absolutely the right thing for the both of us.

Your wife is who she is. All you can do is contemplate if you can live with her AS SHE IS for the rest of your life. If yes, continue. If not, consult an attorney for advice only at this point and tell your wife that you're at the point of contemplating moving forward with divorce. See what she says.

And leave "Melissa" out of it. She's a fantasy you've created to avoid reality.

Thank you, very well said.

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I completely agree with this. OP you didn't mention what all the problems/sources of your unhappiness with Kate are, but I guess you don't need to. Sometimes people don't even really have any specific problems in their marriage, but they just grow apart. There have been people on these forums who said that their relationship or marriage became more as just friends or roommates, intimacy was gone and they just didn't love their partner anymore.

If you're unhappy with Kate, you obviously have your own reasons for it. You said you've had feelings for Melissa for five years. So my guess is that five years is at least as long as you haven't felt the same about Kate. That's a pretty long time and nothing has changed. 

I understand you and Kate have a son together but he's still quite small and can probably adjust if you separated.

Thank you.  There are many reasons for my unhappiness with Kate, unfortunately too many to count.  Most of it can be traced back to her multiple personalities.  I never know which one I will encounter at any given time, and it can change in an instant without warning.  Sometimes she says she doesn’t know what she would do without me then 1 hour later she threatens divorce.  It’s something I’ve almost become numb to, but still very unhappy.  Even our little one can already pick up on her unhealthy mood swings,
I know she could benefit from professional help, which I still hope she will utilize at some point soon.

10 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I may have missed it, but do you have children? Does Melissa have children?

Kate and I have a 19 month old son, and he is the happiest little boy.  Melissa has no children.

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

And it sounds as though you have been hiding behind the excuse that you made a vow, so you can't leave. 

I don't mean to make light of the decision to end a marriage. However, it sounds like you have tried and it's just not working and you are deeply unhappy. You can leave when you want. You aren't bound by anything to stay there forever. It's up to you to do the difficult work of actually walking away, which is maybe what is really holding you back. It's "easier" to enterain fantasies than it is to deal with reality. 

I think I know in my gut what I have to do, and it will not be easy.

1 hour ago, redswim30 said:

OP, please re-read this first sentence over and over again. 

Some people get trapped in this idea what you HAVE TO stay in a marriage "just because".  Everyone has their own version of "just because", whether it's " I made vows" or "we have kids" or " I never saw myself divorced", " I'm afraid to be alone", "we had a big party"- and the list goes on and on. 

Something I learned the hard way- People are going to judge you in life, no matter what you do and no one lives your life but you.  

Some people think that if your marriage didn't work, it's because someone "failed" or "didn't try hard enough" and I'm here to tell you, that's simply not true.  If one person has one foot out the door of the marriage ( and that doesn't mean leaving per se, it's just means the have no interest in trying, changing or improving), one person cannot do all the work or "saving" on their own.  One person can't hold together a whole marriage by themselves- trust me, I've tried.   

I'm gonna hit you with some truth no one likes to talk about or admit- EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP ENDS.  Every single one.   Someone leaves or someone dies.   That's the cold hard facts.  No relationship is "forever".  You are never obligated to stay with someone.  Every single day is a choice. Every day you choose to stay with your partner is a choice.  .  If someone is being complacent or thinks they that can just treat you badly, cause you "have to stay", then THEY are really the ones breaking the vows and just assuming " they have you" cause you said words on ONE DAY of your lives together. 

Words are meaningless without actions to back them up.   Marriage is hard.  Marriage over the long term requires effort, introspection, forgiveness, growth and change.  If you have one person who is unwilling or unable to take those steps with you, you aren't going to work in the long term. 

You and your wife aren't compatible.   She wants to bottle up emotions, you want to express them.  She wants to hide from your problems, while you want to confront them head on.  She wants to try to control your feelings and thoughts by labeling Melissa while you want to seek change.

You views on conflict resolution, growth and change aren't compatible.  Something's gotta give, and without change, this situation will come to a breaking point one way or the other. 

Very well said, thank you so much.

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You can only control you. Figure out what you would do even if Melissa was interested in you romantically.  And don't indulge in fancy terms like "healing process" when you're referring to an age old cliche of having the hots for a spouse's friend.  Nothing to heal from, nothing to see here - if you are a person of character and integrity you feel the feelings and choose the reaction consistent with your values and ethics.  I have to do that often so I don't subject my family to my crankiness/stress etc - I "feel" like reacting in one way, I realize the effect that will have on family fun, peace, whatever and I choose to react in a different way. 

Sometimes it's transparently like "I am feeling really cranky right now and I know it's not anyone's fault but I think I'm going to go in the other room for a bit".   Did that sort of thing yesterday afternoon.

My point is if you escalate this to some sort of "Healing Process" then you indulge in making it a bigger deal than it is -same with the label of "lightning energy" - it shifts your mindset away from basic common sense and your internal sense of right and wrong to something that seems bigger and overwhelming and subject to psychobabble. It's not.  IMO

If only Kate could adopt the reaction style you describe here…

I feel the same way.  It’s innate for me to control how I react to things.  In the case of the other woman Melissa, I have always kept my true feelings inside except for my psychiatrist and my other therapist.  Nonetheless, I have historically been an “easy read” so it’s probably very noticeable how happy I become around Melissa.  But I never allowed it to escalate into a potential affair.

I wish I could say it was just having the hots for Melissa, but because it has persisted for so long, it unfortunately is more complicated in my view. Again, it’s something I have to sort out with a professional.

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Maybe this part of your problem. 

Marriage isn't meant to a be a life sentence to a miserable relationship. That's not really what is intended by "worse." Where did you get the idea that you should force yourself to stay in a situation that is detrimental to your well-being? 

I have been thinking the same thing.  Anything this detrimental to my well-being is not worth it. Still a very difficult decision.

5 hours ago, Mammalyssa said:

I think Melissa organises group get togethers because this is the safest option. Perhaps she doesn't want to be put in a position where your wife has reason to be suspicious due to your pretty blatant interest in Melissa. 

The things you've described are not evidence that she feels the same. I am a friendly woman also and will engage in conversations enthusiastically, which for some reason is gauged as interest beyond friendship frequently. I'm also someone who seems to end up hearing about other people's problems, just that kind of person that garners their trust easily for some reason. So asking personal questions is not an indicator of anything at all, just that some people can meet on a more personal level during conversation. 

 

 

So.... I think you've got yourself all focussed on Melissa. If you took her out of the equation, if she did not exist... what would you want to do then? Because that's what you should do.

Your marriage issues are not all your wife's fault. If anything I've learned, it's ALWAYS both peoples failure to make the effort to get things to work. After all this time your wife at least deserves you to make the effort. I wonder how much resentment she has toward your feelings toward Melissa, I mean you have clearly not tried to hide this from your wife. That's actually really quite heart breaking.. you're actively sabotaging your marriage... really for nothing. For a fantasy.  I think everyone here has had a really good perspective on it and you need to sit down with your wife and have a very good discussion about the direction of your relationship. 

I can tell you this little fantasy makes leaving your wife seem easy. Leaving a marriage is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through, and should be the last thing you do after you've exhausted all avenues of trying to make it work. 

Thank you very much, very well said.

12 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be honest I don't really see what you're trying to understand about female psychology. Unless Melissa has contacted you or asked to see you privately, I don't think you actually have any proof that she feels the same way about you. Asking to catch up in a group isn't a sign of anything. 

Your only option to stop wondering "what if" would be to actually tell Melissa how you feel. It's likely though she might not feel the same. But it would have opened a huge can of worms and ruined your relationship with Kate. Nobody wants to hear their husband is in love with their friend. But if you're subconsciously looking for a way out of your marriage then this may be it lol

I can see after reading some of these replies that I probably didn’t use the right words to convey the message.  Will try again here.

How Melissa feels about me is irrelevant to my relationship with Kate.  Have I wanted to have a heart to heart talk with Melissa? Of course, but it would not only be very inappropriate but I would also run the risk of losing her as a friend altogether, which has happened to me in the past with others who were not interested.  Do I think Melissa has an  idea how I feel about her?  I would be surprised if she said she had no clue.  Do I know for sure how Melissa feels about me?  I really don’t, but there is enough for me to think the feelings may be reciprocated, but can’t be explored as I am married.

What I should have said instead of understanding female psychology is, if, Melissa has no interest, I wish there was a way to figure that out on my own, as I could then start the healing process without losing her as a friend.

One post mentioned that it is very concerning that this has gone on for as long as it has, and I couldn’t agree more.  All of this was completely unintentional on my part, and I’m still trying to work it out with my therapist about how it all happened.

While some may disagree, this is not about a sexual attraction to Melissa.  Is an emotional connection a more accurate description? Probably not.  But there is something about her that stands out in my mind.  I cannot put it into words.  Would a relationship have worked if we were both single? Only God knows.

My marriage has a lot of problems, but I made a vow for better or worse.  While it’s too much to type, there has been a lot of “worse” over the past few years, issues that have nothing to do with Melissa or any other women.  Jekyll and Hyde personality, verbal abuse, the constant feeling that nothing I do will ever be good enough, etc. There is only so much a person can take. Previous counseling attempts were futile, as my wife refuses to accept her faults.  I am by no means perfect, but I recognize what I have done wrong and work to correct it.

Continuing to work on this with a therapist is probably the best course of action for now.  I appreciate everyone’s input.

9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

There's this man named Duane (not his real name) I met years ago. He was involved as a participant in a sports activity that I was also involved in. As time went on we got to know each other better as he frequently came by my workplace to do business with the owner of the company. Duane is married to a lovely woman, Marian. They've been married for many years, happily. I was a relatively newly divorcee when we met.  Marian didn't share the same level of interest Duane and I did in that particular sports activity. Eventually Duane and I got to the point where we'd talk on the phone almost daily, sometimes for an hour or more. He would spend time in my office chatting with me when he came by my workplace. I even traveled with his group a few times for out of town sports events, always as part of a group. Oftentimes Marian didn't go along. And we went to lunch a few times. Sometimes with my boss and sometimes just us.

Anyone who read all that would conclude Duane and I were engaged in an affair or at the very least that there was mutual romantic or sexual interest. My boss's wife was spreading gossip, saying she knew "for a fact" Duane and I were sleeping together.

Not one bit.

We had (and have) zero attraction to one another and don't even secretly fantasize about being together.

Sure, some would call me either a liar or naive. But I'm neither. We just are good friends who "get" one another, but nothing more. 

Oh, and Marian and I are friends too, I've been to their home several times and our kids have played together. I've met Duane's parents and siblings and I've met a couple of Marian's siblings.  But she and I just don't have as much in common as Duane and I do. So we're friends, but Duane and I are closer friends. But again, it truly is a friendship.

I just wanted to give an example of when two people hit it off but it's not because there's romantic or sexual interest.

Thank you

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not see a therapist privately and confidentiality. You don't need your wife's participation.

Unfortunately you are quite stalled out in this fantasy. So much so that you've reached the point of complete inertia, not doing anything to improve your situation and blaming your wife for not fixing herself or the marriage.

You're further eroding the marriage by being checked out, coasting along and caught up in daydreams.

Melissa is not pondering you at all. She sees you as her friends husband. She has plenty of opportunities with single decent available men. Why would she bother with a friend's husband?

Most of your musings are projections of your fantasy right down to what kind of "special" smile she has for you.

 

Point well taken, thank you.

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Let's imagine for a moment that you knew she felt the same way and struggled the same way you do with these feelings. 

Then what? You are still not single or available to explore these feelings together.  How will it help you to know how she feels, in other words? What practical difference will this make? 

I could not have said it better myself.  You are right, it makes no difference whatsoever.  Sometimes I get too caught up in pondering the “what if” scenarios.  At this point it’s just me trying to better understand female psychology to bring some type of clarity on how I should move forward.

16 hours ago, Mammalyssa said:

From a female perspective - I have had men make eye contact with me and then dream up that we had a connection.. 

I can have a night out and chat intensely with someone, and I'm here enjoying the great convo with absolutely no idea that the other has intentions of more than chatting.. and when they make a move I am shocked. Once rejected they'll say but I thought we had a mutual connection/feeling. 

I have learned that almost any interaction.. where a man shows interest in chatting to me, it ends in me feeling disappointed that it was only because they were sexually interested.

I'd like to have a chat with someone nice some time and walk away thinking what a nice person. But no. I believe men think with their penises more frequently than women. 

So what I'm saying is, don't make the assumption that she has the same feeling. She might like you, but it may not be in the way you're fantasizing about. 

Definately comes from a place of disappointment and boredom in your current relationship. 

Thank you for your perspective, very much appreciated.  I am interested to know your thoughts on the more detailed information I share here.

I have always been a guy who could never have a physical relationship with a woman unless emotional intimacy was already established.  I have never understood guys who say they can have emotionless sex.  I am in my late thirties now and I can say I would prefer a romantic walk on the beach, watching a movie, or a heart to heart talk, over sex anytime. Sex will happen when the time is right, and there is no need to rush it.
 

That being said, I can count at least 3 times in my life when I have been the guy you describe.  The only difference is that I wanted a relationship with the woman because I was interested in her as a person, not just to sleep with her.  Unfortunately, once they found out I saw them as more than a friend, I was not only rejected but I lost their friendship altogether, which really upset me.  Did they think I just wanted sex?  I would certainly hope not, but I don’t know for sure.

There are several reasons why I feel it is different with Melissa.  The first is how she acts around me.  I have never seen another woman’s face light up like hers, especially her Duchenne smile, when we meet. Second, about 8 months or so after we first met, my wife Kate jokingly (or maybe not so jokingly) told Melissa in front of me that I have a crush on her. Melissa wasn’t bothered at all, and actually seemed very happy about it.  Third, she frequently attempts to arrange meetings with both my wife and myself in a group setting, and often has asked personal questions that others would typically not ask. And finally, with rare exception, she always responds to my texts very quickly, often within minutes.

Is that enough to conclude she feels the same way about me?  Perhaps not, but from a guy’s perspective, that’s pretty strong evidence.  Platonic maybe? Hard for me to believe.

Nonetheless, Melissa and I have never discussed it as that would be inappropriate because I am married.  But I admit I frequently ponder how she may feel about me and how she has dealt with it knowing I am married.

And yes, you are right - this does come from disappointment in my current relationship.  While I love my wife, she really needs professional help to manage her issues. And it is also very possible a relationship with Melissa would not work out.  
 

Still trying to figure out what I should do. It’s definitely not easy.

 Thank you for your time.

8 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

In the bleachers rooting for you, OldSoul!  No matter what that winds up looking like (stay, go, etc.), I hope it serves you both best.  Please grant us all an update if/when you have a chance...  hugs 🙂

Thank you so much!  Still sorting through everything and it may be awhile but I definitely will post an update when I have one.

As a guy, I can tell you that maturity levels vary drastically among men.  I personally could never have a physical relationship with a woman without major emotional attachment.  I have never been able to understand guys who claim they can do so and simply go on “insertion adventures” in order to add to their list of “conquests.”

That being said, reading your initial post,  I can’t say strongly one way or another what could be going through his mind.  Yes, there is a valid argument that he doesn’t want to come across as too needy or available, as many dating advice websites talk about how a woman’s interest will slowly die if she figures out the man too quickly.  However, because you have already slept together, that argument loses some relevance.

Just like with a woman, if a man wants to be with you, he will always make time for you no matter how busy he is.  In my history of relationships, I always made time every day to let the woman I was dating know how much she meant to me.  Some days it was just a good morning and good night text, other days much more, but always something.

I agree that his response is lukewarm, but it’s hard to tell why. He could have a demanding job and really not know his schedule or he could be losing interest, among many other possibilities.  If it were me and I truly wanted the relationship to continue, I would find other ways to express how I look forward to the next time we meet, even if I wasn’t sure if my schedule would allow on a particular day.  

But every guy thinks a little differently. 

I would give it a few more days (no later than Thursday) and wait to see what happens.
 

I’m happy to give unbiased objective advice from a man’s point of view whenever you need it.

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I can almost guarantee it will work if your wife always has to be right.  She will not be able to sit by and allow you to tell your side of the story without her there to prove she is right.

 If your lawn was lush and green you wouldn't be interested in someone else's grass would you?  Take the time to get your marriage either repaired or ended in a civil manner, stay single for a while and then see if you can find that lightning in a bottle you seem to want.  This isn't just for you but also for your wife.  You both should be happy right?

 This isn't easy I know, it is easier to sit around and complain or fantasize then actually going to a counselor/therapist and doing the work.  Life is short so put in the hard work and take care of this sooner than later.

Lost

Very well said, thank you again.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is more about grass is greener, because 1. Your marriage is unhappy and 2. You're not going through the drugery of a bad marriage with Melissa.

There's nothing lightingbolt about this. You seem to be looking at a mirage, something that seems like an escape. It's like imagining an oasis in the desert because you're thirsty.

Thank you for your perspective, much appreciated.

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

So to answer your question from a man.

  When I was single it seemed not many women were interested in me even though I had plenty of attention I guess but after I became engaged and then married things changed.  I felt like I was getting way more attention than before even though I was married and I was not flirting in the least.  Why I have no idea but I had a couple of very beautiful and exciting women continually try to get close to me but the thing is even though I was very attracted to them physically and intellectually I never came close to being attracted emotionally.  Why?  Because I was promised to someone else and that was a promise I made.  Did I ever think to myself "Where were you when I was single?"  Yes I did but I never forgot the promise.  

  So I never felt like I lost anything by not allowing something between myself and one of these women to grow and I certainly didn't need to mourn it either. Frankly I think you have imagined this into much more than it is because you want it to be more than it is.  Fantasy is tough to beat when you have a day to day real life with your wife.  There are no chores in a fantasy, the sex is always awesome in a fantasy and it is always exciting but in the end it is just a fantasy.

 If your wife will not attend counseling then go without her.  Nothing will motivate her more than knowing you are sitting down telling some stranger all about your marriage and wife without her there to defend herself.  You go a few times and when she asks "How did it go?" Just smile and say "It went really good, I am really starting to get some of the answers I have been looking for"  then just walk away.  It will drive her crazy wondering what is going on in those sessions and if she  persists with questions just invite her to come the next time.

 I wonder if you married Melissa and then met Kate later on if the same thing would happen...

 If you are not happy try to fix it.  If that doesn't work then end the marriage and work on yourself BEFORE dating anyone.

Do the right thing

 Lost

 

You really hit the nail on the head here - I feel like you read my mind and put it into words for me.  I appreciate it very much.

Your first paragraph is exactly what happened to me, not just with Melissa but at least 3 other women.  I never allowed it to grow with anyone other than Melissa, as she was the only one with whom I felt that lightning energy that is so difficult to describe.  It was completely unintentional and unexpected.  Nonetheless, it is possible that I have imagined this into much more than it is. While I don’t know for sure what would have happened if I met Melissa first, there is no guarantee it would have worked out, even with the lightning energy on the table.  However, the possibility of never having a chance with the only woman who gave me that feeling is something I will probably always mourn to some degree.

I may try your strategy when it comes to counseling. Hoping it will lead to something positive.

Thank you again.

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I always feel so sad for the SO in these cases.  If I were Kate I would feel threatened too.  (But I am also someone who has been cheated on a lot and dumped for other people a lot, so...) 

To answer your question, I have never been in that exact situation.  But I am currently in a relationship with a married man.  It's a poly relationship though so no one is cheating and he's not sneaking around behind anyone's back. 

How do you know this lightning energy isn't just biological?  Humans are programed to find other humans attractive.  Obviously you must have felt some spark with Kate too otherwise you wouldn't have married her. 

Thank you very much for sharing your perspective. This lightning energy, could it be biological? To a degree, yes. Melissa is very attractive but so are many other women I have met throughout my life, before and after I was married.  What made Melissa different is how she electrified my soul, a concept that I have difficulty describing with words.

Looking back, yes there was a spark with Kate - a lot of chemistry that eventually turned into passion. But I never experienced that lightning with Kate, as I had no idea that even existed until after we were married.

As others have pointed out, the real problem here is not Melissa herself but other fundamental flaws in my marriage that have to be fixed. In any case, I have always felt terrible for the other feelings that I unintentionally developed, and that is not fair to Kate.  Trying to sort it all out, and the perspectives shared here have helped tremendously.

7 hours ago, redswim30 said:

Taking Melissa completely out of the equation, because she's not really the problem here.  

Your marriage is not in good shape.    A marriage in which one party cannot ever admit they are wrong or take responsibility for their actions, is a marriage that is doomed to fail.  Because this requires ONE person to shoulder every issue themselves, which isn't a real partnership.  So either that person reaches a breaking point and leaves or else takes it, but grows resentful and unhappy and often ends up in an affair. 

Your wife has some severe problems if she's going to start quantifying someone else as "morally corrupt" that is a friend of hers.  Pretty ballsy for someone who can't even be honest with her own husband. 

The problem is your wife doesn't know how to share her real feelings about anything, which is incredibly unhealthy for you both.  Your wife isn't stupid, she is likely aware you and Melissa are crushing on each other, but instead of discussing it openly and honestly, she is treating you like a parent who is scolding their child and even telling you what to think about Melissa.  And she's not saying the right things.   If I noticed my husband getting emotionally invested in someone else- I'd want to know what was not working in our marriage, not start calling other people "evil" as a deflection.

I think you have no choice but to have a serious and HONEST conversation with your wife.  Expect it to be ugly.  IMHO, you should tell her that you need to seek marriage counseling.  If she won't do that, then you need to just lay all your cards on the table.  " I really want to work on your marriage.  Several issues continue to arise that make me fear for the future of our relationship. We need to be able to discuss our feelings openly and honestly.  I feel it would be best to do this together with a third, unbiased party.   I really want you to work on it with me.  But if you will not, then I need to seek individual counseling. But I will not stay stuck in the loop that we are currently in." 

And she what she says.  If she unwilling to budge at all, then you might need to start to consider whether you want this marriage to continue.   Nothing will get better by her burying her head in the sand and calling others names.  

I agree with everything you said here, thank you very much.  It is extremely helpful.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Two things would help you make decisions.

1. Contact an attorney privately and confidentiality for your options in the event of divorce. Do not tell her or threaten divorce, just inform yourself.

2. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Do not tell her or insist she go.. Privately and confidentiality discuss your thoughts with the therapist.

"You need therapy!" Never works. Living in a  fantasy is a poor coping skill for a conflicted marriage. It's just an escape,which is a passive aggressive way to check out, tune your wife out and you know that's just making matters worse.

Therefore you're the one who would benefit from therapy the most. You're not going to fix or change your wife. Especially daydreaming about her friend.

Thank you, very well said.