heyitsmeeeeee

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Is he the only man on earth? It's understandable at your age that you want a BF, but why don't you find a suitable one?  There are certainly more men especially in your middle-aged age group that have jobs and live independently than just this one man you're obsessed with fixing and changing.

I am not obsessed fixing him in fact as I mentioned I've distant myself to him. He's the only one keep telling me things that he'll improve his self before he pursue me. It's also not guarantee that I will keep waiting for him to be fitted in my expectations. 

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So how's he supposed to "build a career"?

I don't ask if how he will do it. I let him do his own way. So not sure of that.

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Has he ever had a job? Or have his parents been supporting him financially all his life?

He only had part time job (online job) since after he graduated his college. He's still staying with his parents. He said he can't find a regular job as he can't leave his mom alone since she is somewhat having a depression, nobody can look after his mom. His father is working and so his sibling also helped him financially just to take care of their mom. 

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What I don't understand is since you both apparently like each other and want to date, why must he have his career built first before he dates you?  Why can't he build his career AND date you at the same time?

Because I don't want him to be complacent that I accepted him to have no regular job, not paying his own rent and to be supported by his parents at his age. We dated once, then when I know that he doesn't passed my standards I distant myself then he asked me why. Then that's the time I told him that I am looking for a long term relationship and who's making his own living at the age of 32. Sorry if it's too harsh to hear but I think that will be the reality of truth since he asked me why. 

I am just afraid that if  we jump to boyfriend-girlfriend situation now then I will expecting him to somehow him prepare a 'date' for us (let's just be honest that we do think of this) yet since he doesn't have enough resources I will be accepting that he can't give me this kind of stuff.

We are not living in a movie world where you can accept the person even he's not making his own living. Again, I am not being materialistic or gold digger. I just know that I deserve better. I think if I am on my younger years -- 20 ish yrs old -- then I think this will still be acceptable and we will just help each other out. 

It is not just only about money, anyway. It is on how you handle yourself and be responsible for your future before committing yourself to others. 

4 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

^  I think this is a very good idea.  Move on for now and see where life takes you.

Okay agree with that. Thank you @Capricorn3

13 hours ago, TeeDee said:

What an awful thing to say.  It makes you sound like a materialistic gold digger.   In his shoes I would never date you. 

@TeeDee I believe that I am not a materialistic person and it's really not my intention to tell him to build himself first just to pursue me, I always tell him to do it for himself and for his future. He's very open about his feelings over me especially when I already distant myself yet he keeps coming back.

I also mentioned to him that if you start building up your career then you will have more potential in looking for someone else along the way. Then he just told me that I know but he wants to assure me that I will be the one who he will pursue. At the back of my mind I know it's too good to tell at the moment all about this. I just didn't respond or anything.

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My question would be, if he's capable of building his own career, why hasn't he started doing that on his own without being prompted by you? 

I've actually question that to myself at first that is why I distant myself to him. But he keeps messaging me and telling me he likes me that is why I already came to a point to directly tell him to build his career first.

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't date projects or men you have to fix or change.  If you can't find anyone suitable, it's not this guy's fault. 

I take your point. I told him that he doesn't need to pursue me that he can just go on and build his life without me. I am open to not seeing and talking to him in fact, I already distant myself to him. However, he messaged me and he wants to tell me that he hopes that I am still available when he's ready to pursue me. And I told him that I cannot assure you on that.

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been seeing each other? What exactly does "stabilize his career" mean? Is he unemployed? Living with parents? Working at some McJob? Going back to school?

Unfortunately it seems like he just doesn't want to be with you because you don't accept him. That's understandable. He may or may not "stabilize" his career according to your standards, but he can definitely start dating women who care about who he is. 

We've known each other for 7months now. Yes, he's still living with his parents and unemployed with just some side hustle for him to make a living. As he's some sort of pampered of his siblings and parents and to no drive in looking for a stable job since he's still under the roof of his parents. He has a bachelors degree/diploma, he just didn't practice after he graduated.

I told him that he doesn't need to pursue me that he can just go on and build his life without me. I am open to not seeing and talking to him in fact, I already distant myself to him. However, he messaged me and he wants to tell me that he hopes that I am still available when he's ready to pursue me. And I told him that I cannot assure you on that. 

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am sorry, but that sounds so childish that I would have never guessed you are 34 years old.

Do you think you build a career over night? That you just say that and suddenly he becomes "career driven yuppie"? It takes months, even years to gain skills needed and build a career. You dont just magically manifest one just because some woman told you she wants somebody with a better career. Are you willing to wait for years before he does that? Moresover, if he is not "career driven" now, there are low chances that he would be in foreseable future. 

Let the guy go and instead go and chase some "yuppie" instead.

I understand. But my point here is that he needs to have a good paying job and at least I can see his improvement during this progress. I didn't mean to say to 'become like me' or more than me. I just rephrase I just want to see the better version of him as of the moment he is jobless. He do have side hustle but it doesn't have a regular and stable career. That's what I actually meant. 

On 3/18/2024 at 3:23 AM, Halle Berry23 said:

Please advice, I believe I'm in a situationship with this fabulous man but the thing is, I'm a single mother and he doesn't have any, he likes me and expressed this multiple times but his also distant and he opened up and told me that the reason is because theres so much that comes with being in a relationship with me and the level of commitment therefore he has reservations about us... I have fallen for him but I emphasize with him

He's just casual and doesn't want a commitment. He's just giving you hopes but really no plans in pursuing you. Better slowly back off and move on. He's just playing it safe. At the back of his mind he's still thinking if he really can be a parent instantly. (from your past)

On 3/18/2024 at 8:52 AM, D_lutina said:

Should I move on?

I met my crush on Bumble we talked well for a couple of weeks and the I got ghosted.  Then months later he came back and he came back I asked why and his reason was stress with school and finances. Which I understood and tried to encourage him. We spoke from January until end of February . In most of our conversations I started but we had really nice discussions and we even went on a date. I end up a couples days later mentioning my constant initiation of discussion he took accountability and said that he is currently not consistent because he is going through a lot so it’s better for him to take time to stabilise his life first so then after he can better focus on us. I said I understand take all the time needed. He also mentioned that he really enjoyed talking with me and it was nothing against the fact that he is asking for space. 

He is 34 I am 24F 

I really like this guy but since he mentioned space and I respecting his decision I really don’t know how to move. 

Some family members and friends said that he is not that interested or he is playing but honestly I am confused.

(I’m not a Native English speaker thank you In advance for your commentary everyone 🫶🏾✨)

Hi girl, I think this is just his alibi of being busy. Nobody is busy with their life especially when they really like a person. He then no need to tell you that he needs space as you haven't had a relationship with him. 

So sorry but I think, 'he is not that interested in you'. He's just kinda bored and get back to you when he wants to. 

Just thank you, next. 🙂

24 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Are you in a stable career, or building a career too?

Yes I do have a stable career and I have some investments. I am 34 by the way and he's 2 yrs younger than me. 
He told me that he think low of himself over me, for that reason he think that he needs to upgrade his career before pursuing me. He's some sort of getting intimidated as he wants to at least stabilize as same as where and what I have now.

We do have mutual feelings for each other. I like him, he likes me. But for these some reasons I don't want to push forward into a relationship right away as I don't want him to be just complacent only on what he have at the present time. 

To be fair, I don't despise him. I believed that he can do more.

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

We don't know. 

But if you don't want a relationship with someone as they are now, then you need to move on. It's okay for you to have certain expectations for yourself, but it's not exactly fair to tell someone else how to manage their life in order to be with you. 

You should keep looking. 

True, indeed. I will consider that. I mean you're right that if he's not passed my standards then I shouldn't tell him that things anymore. I just thought that sometimes it's also good to communicate to the person who's interested in you on what your expectations is as well, especially when I also like the person but not to the extent of having a relationship with him yet since I am not impressed in his career secureness. 

48 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Nobody can possibly know if he means it, or not.  Anyone can say anything just to please someone else.

(Side note: Maybe it's just me but I don't think you should be telling him what to do with his future in order to be with you - it should be be HIS decision what he wants to do (imo). )

Yes that's right. I just told him that because he's telling me he likes me and he wants to be with me. But I don't want to just go into a relationship when he is not stable in his career yet. That is why I opened up to him that if he really wants me to be in his life then he needs to build his career first before he starts a relationship with me as I think of a long term.

He also told me that I am helping him to at least really open his mind to be better and he is in progress of improving himself because of what I said. 

I am just thinking if should I take this as positive or what.

I told him if you really want to be my boyfriend you needed to build up your career first as I am looking for a long term relationship and so he agree. He told me that once I get there I will be pursuing you, I only want to pursue you not anyone else. 

Does he mean it?