Tony_Soprano

Sage advice and wise words, thanks Seraphim!

Noted. As a partner of someone who had a surgery I should be more mindful of this.

The other one, while great answers, was focusing more on the supportive partner question. I decided to post a more pointed question in the specific sex forum to get more insights like this one below... That's a good point, she is definitely afraid of that as she had a tumultuous pregnancy and delivery was an emergency c-section. She's recovered nicely physically but the breastfeeding is starting to take its toll, she mentioned. I can 100% ride this out, I will not stray was more or less looking for personal anecdotes on intimacy changes after couples had their first child. Care to share?

Very true, Seraphim, she's even said her body doesn't feel like hers anymore—it belongs to our son now!

I've got a simple but often asked question: how, if at all, did your sex life change after giving birth? I ask because we had our first child in August and we've been intimate maybe 3-4 times, with sex only once. I'm trying not to take this personally – telling myself she's gone through physical, physiological changes and is sleep deprived – but I'm curious if this is the norm.

Yes, over the holidays we incorporated some light yoga in our tiny apartment while he naps and she downloaded another fitness routine. So far so good! I can, but it's only 5 weeks at something like 55% (whereas she gets topped up to like 97%) of my wages. I may do it before the year is out or she may "head south" to wrap up her mat leave. I do try to make her breastfeeding sessions as comfortable as possible – "can I get you this?" "can I bring you that?" type stuff – and take baby from her at any point I can so she's 'hands-free' I am cognizant of being present, even going home on my 1-hour lunch break so she can shower or do whatever she likes. When I'm with our wee one, I am engaged—not just half-assed scrolling my phone while one-handed holding him.

Thanks, Capricorn3, that’s just what I needed to hear. We still flirt and have had some “fun” so I need to remind myself she went through significant changes (physically and physiologically) and to not take things personally. Scrubbed the tub clean and setup some candles, wine and a back rub later for NYE. Needless to say she was grateful for that. Batya33 full time mom is not her plan. Part of the problem is she’s a busy body and has been working 12-16 hour days in this community pre-pregnancy as a nurse. Now, she’s back here and not working (as a nurse, definitely working as a mom) so she finds herself with some downtime to think more than usual.

Seraphim it's a different beast up here. The 24 hours of daylight in June-July is nice, but this darkness...man! I'll be more conscious of making her feel desirable and appreciated for doing the heavy lifting with our toddler. Batya33 I have setup a few NYE FaceTimes for today/tonight and I'll be better in 2022 to take our wee man off her hands. Even if it's just for her to take a ride to the grocery store solo. I have to keep reminding myself she probably doesn't feel like herself right now. Hey body went through some changes with delivery and now breastfeeding is another toll, then mix in the mental health component of a lockdown during darkness? That's a tough go for anyone!

I don't believe it's PPD as I've flat out asked her, she's very self-aware and she's been doing home workouts when she can while he naps. A key point I should've mentioned is we live in the Canadian Arctic where it's -40°C or colder and we're in the midst of 24 hours of darkness; the sun doesn't rise from November 30–January 12. I celebrate the little victories like when she can walk outside (with him bundled heavily), finishes a yoga class or FaceTimes friends back home. I just wonder if I could be doing more to make her feel like she's appreciated and I still find her attractive? Also, is it normal to have very little sex drive post delivery?

Hello all, My partner and I welcomed our first child in August and we are madly in love with him. All is well in terms of his health and development; I think we're doing well as first-time parents. I felt prepared for parenthood but nothing could prepare me for these two issues: Partner envious I get to live a somewhat normal life. While she stays home all day (during a lockdown, no less) I get to "be normal" and go to work, see people, do grocery runs for the family etc. I never expected someone to be jealous of me for being able to go to work haha. She says if we have another, she'll go to work and I can take a paternity leave. Sure, I'm all about equality and she's the breadwinner anyway! Lack of libido. We've "had fun" maybe 2-3 times since August, including sex once. I'm not pushy as I realize she doesn't feel her sexiest post c-section, barely showering, sleep deprived, etc. However, I feel a bit, uhm, neglected and it's starting to hit my confidence. Last night I just gave a look and she said "no!" and sometimes my hand grazes her and she slaps it away. Can anyone on either side of these issues speak to them? Give me some pointers from experience on how to be more supportive and take things less personally? Cheers and happy new year, eNA!

You are a cunning linguist...

I appreciate the concern but not sure I want to add a lawsuit into the family mix right now. My parents were "happy to help a son in need" but my other brother and I feel it was elder abuse. They gave my brother a sweetheart deal of $300/month to repay it, which they have made every payment, but my parents will be long gone before the $40,000 is repaid.

Batya33 — It's great to know I'm not the only one in this predicament. I spoke with my middle brother yesterday who said his wife is ignoring our mom until she gets a proper apology for the Smartie incident. Apparently my mother just deflected and never quite took ownership of her actions so that added to the frustration. Do I intervene or let the adults sort it out? I'll choose to stay out of this one. Wiseman2 — I wake up in the wee hours of the night and head home on lunch to help my fiancée with our newborn. My partner is appreciative of my support while I work full-time. This crusade I'm on with my mom is a 'side hustle' so-to-speak that I do with minimal involvement of my fiancée. Her main gripe with my mother is she's sympathy-seeking and not trying to help herself. Mine is that no one is on her side hence why she's falling deeper and deeper into a depressive state. I only see my mom once/year (we live 4,000km away) so this isn't as time-consuming as your reply suggests.

That's a good idea. I know one neighbour is a revolving door of university students so they're not an option. I can ask one guy next door but would have to sneakily get his contact info without my parents' detection. Y'all are full of great ideas!

That is GENIUS! I'll definitely pitch it as "help me help you" and that she's doing me a favour. Grazie!

Yes, that’s a battle of getting my mom to agree to it because she doesn’t want me to worry. If I sit in on her appointments/listen in on calls I may get too worried about her and not focus on my newborn or job. This is how she thinks but I’ll just have to convince her I’m on her side here. The “sandwich generation” can be tough, eh? Taking care of elderly parents and your own young family.

Thanks for being just the second person to say that (first being my mother)!

Yea, of course, one could argue two types of abuse—verbal and elder.

I’ve got myself a lengthy to-do list for this week, starting tomorrow with calls to her two healthcare providers I’m aware of. I also have a private option I’d like to explore, but that’s a last resort. My main thing is hearing from a medical professional myself and not this broken telephone, drivel my mom spews “yeah, like I had a mini stroke he thinks maybe because, I don’t know, I have stress from my sister being sick and you had a baby prematurely and…” 🙄 Ideally I/we get medical diagnoses with treatment then a care plan can be made from there. Once diagnoses/plan is known, my family can then get in on plan and maybe (just maybe!) turn a corner on their verbal abuse towards her.

Seraphim — Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear about your recent losses. COVID has isolated my parents enough and to throw this at them now is heartbreaking. She is so helpless and every time she gets yelled at it just chips away at what little confidence she has. catfeeder — A medical diagnosis is key. My mother sugarcoats things and speaks vaguely about her symptoms but also doesn’t want us to worry. She tends to self-diagnose based on her dad’s health before her and what she Googles. Once I get that I can then make a definitive plan to help her. Also, I like your sign-off because writing to eNA has helped. Thank you!

It’s not for everyone. I eat out my fiancée regularly as we both enjoy it but she’s given me four BJs in four years. She simply doesn’t enjoy it and I’m not going to force her to do something she doesn’t enjoy. We still have a healthy sex life and joke about her once a year pace she’s on.

Agreed and it’s breaking my heart. It’s akin to elder abuse. You’re not too far off either as I’ve noticed my 5 year-old nephew already being terse with his grandma. Why not? He sees his parents doing it regularly!

Seraphim — Why hello there, fellow Canuck! Sorry to hear about your father-in-law. The aggression you described sounds a lot like my grandfather’s (my mother’s father) last days. He was a gentle soul until deletion took over and he became a thief in the nursing home then would lash out when called out. I fear my mother is trending in the same direction as her father. My mother has allowed people to walk all over her (see $40,000 loan as a recent example) so this is the result, unfortunately. Batya33 — I just want what’s best for her and I believe this is the way to go. Having care workers with a plan (and who don’t berate her) is a good place to start. Still feel I need a FaceTime with my brothers and sisters-in-law to let them know you need to monitor mom the way you monitored your young kids. I think shutting her out and not inviting her for thanksgiving and Christmas would isolate her and make matters worse. She may be deteriorating mentally but she still has the wherewithal to know she’s being ostracized.

How do I show my family that this isn’t really my mother? That she’s literally losing her mind to a disease?

Your mother is a saint, I wish I could say the same for my dad haha. Thanks for your kind words, Batya.