Tony_Soprano

This is my project for next week to get her some in-home care. Your scenario is scary and it's definitely crossed my mind so no need to apologize.

Last weekend she gave my 14-month-old niece a Smartie (small, chokeable, chocolate, etc.) after being repeatedly told by my brother and sister-in-law not to feed their kids or dogs. My niece didn't choke but instead of apologizing she kept saying "well, you feed them x food" or "she was pointing at the candy" which infuriated them more. I wasn't there (see: 3,000km away comment) but was told it was tense and ugly. This is what I mean it's getting harder to defend her actions. I told them "she's not of sound mind/not herself" and "she had three kids herself, she knows better than to feed them choking hazards" but they were too upset to be receptive.

Batya33 — My father is old school European and just doesn't "get it." He thinks it's funny when she puts the TV remote on the phone charger or calls the refrigerator an oven. I told him he needs to take a more active role in her health but he hasn't. He's older but much more active and healthier than my mom. I agree and know it's the beginning of dementia as her father had it, too. Thank you for your kind words. DancingFool — To be clear, my fiancée and I have had no issues until recently and are in a loving, supportive relationship. She is a Nurse Practitioner and has offered her medical help for years to my mother. But recently my partner just got fed up with her vague symptoms and never trying to better herself or follow her advice. She reminds her of 'classic patients who seek sympathy' and I can't disagree. Seraphim — 100% agree, but then I come off as the "momma's boy" defending a woman who simply does not listen to their wishes. Also, I'll get the "she's allowed people to walk all over her for years" spiel because she doesn't have a spine. It's heartbreaking—I hate picturing her getting belittled at family gatherings. Cherylyn — Last December she went into the hospital with vague abdominal pain...and stayed two weeks. The nurses told me they didn't feel she'd be able to take care of herself upon discharge. For about a month after that she had homecare nurses bathe and do physio work for her (we live in Canada so this is all covered). Come to think of it, it was around this time I noticed a turn in my fiancée's views towards my mom. She hated hearing the nurse say my mom "rings the bell for everything—even to turn on the TV."

Hello all, My mother has always put others first/herself last and now it's starting to take its toll. She's in her mid-60s, her health is declining and years of being passive have led to people treating her poorly. To summarize my family: My father loves her, but is often condescending and yells at her My oldest brother recently forced her and my dad to take a second mortgage to loan them $40,000+ causing financial stress My middle brother and his wife are terse with her and often raise their voice/roll their eyes at her My fiancée feels she makes up illnesses to get sympathy/attention I feel bad for her. She has shown signs of declining cognition (e.g. struggling to form sentences, needs to be told multiple times not to do something [yet still does], mixes up words and pays bills twice, etc.) and just accepts her fate. I'm frustrated because she doesn't seem to want to better herself and it's causing strain with my fiancée and I because I'm coming off as a "momma's boy" who "texts his mommy too much" but I'm just trying to keep a connection with her that isn't condescending, terse or emotionally abusive. No one is on her side and I feel like the only one in her corner telling others to "give her a chance" or "try to see it from her perspective" but it's becoming exhausting. Even I can't defend some of her recent behaviour. What's worse is I live 3,000km away so I can't attend medical appointments or keep tabs on her health. I asked to be part of her medical calls and she does them without me then tells me "my physician said I had a stroke" or "my doctor took me off this pill and put me on this one" but I have little faith in the accuracy of what she says as she often sugarcoats things so I don't worry about her (which I am!). I'm not sure what I'm seeking from eNA, to be honest, I guess I just wanted to vent to non family members without fear of judgement. Does anyone have similar experiences with defending the low-hanging fruit of the family? Dealing with fiancée strain? Getting someone with low thrive to better themselves? Thanks in advance, Tony