--Lost--

As far as my friends go, I don't have any right now. I meant that I've only had four throughout my entire life. 1 moved away. 1 was four grades below me. That stopped working a few years ago. 1 got heavily into drugs and alcohol. I tried following him, but that just isn't for me. 1 turned out to be gay, which doesn't bother me, but he kept trying to touch me and I didn't want him to.

I can't stop thinking about suicide. No matter what I'm doing, it's always lurking in the back of my mind. I don't have any real friends. Throughout my life I've met only four people I could honestly call a friend. We've either grown apart or moved apart. I feel alone. I know my parents love me very much, but it isn't enough. Other things seem to be going to hell too. My parents have money, but I hate asking them for it. I hate my job. I think I have an eating disorder. I think about my weight pretty much any time I'm not thinking about what happens after we die. I haven't actually tried starving myself or throwing up, but I think I'm only a few steps away... Recently I haven't been able to fall asleep at night. I lie awake and think about the cleanest ways to die that would cause my parents the least amount of grief. I wonder how many people would care if I died. I think people might, but only in passing. Last night I went to my kitchen and took out a carving knife. I sat and stared at it for a long time. Maybe an hour or so. I don't think I'll actually kill myself until I've at least tried college, since everyone seems to think it's amazing. It's after I go to school and find that I don't like it that I'm worried about. I went to a psychiatrist for similar problems several years ago as well as taking prescription drugs, but I hated the drugs and I hated having to go to a psychiatrist. I think it made me worse. I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me what to do. To say with confindence that things will get better. That they know how to make things better. Because all I can see ahead is more of the same.