Mstyiyd

Happy New Year's to everyone! Hope everyone had a peaceful holiday. I can't believe after all the hype, it's over......let's make 2006 great.....because 2005 was just so-so!

I haven't posted in a while, busy w/holidays stuff. My ex, who had invited me for Tgiving, also invited me to her family's for Xmas. This was my 3rd yr in a row I've been there. I really enjoy hanging out w/her family, and I don't know if I should have gone but I did and it was cool & worked out, no major issues came up. I did hear from a reliable source that she mentioned she was concerned I would "read into" the Xmas invite, same crap she said @ Tgiving. Everyone feels like she's the one w/the issue, here not me. I miss her alot, Im not over her, but to her face I am cool, not acting like a g/f, going about my business. I don't get why she has to make sh#@*(& remarks like that.

I wound up sleeping over Xmas wkend(she still lives w/a relative as she is saving up $$ to get her own place, she had an illness a few yrs ago and lost alot in her life, not a slacker!).....but I told her b/f she could say anything to me that I would stay in another bedroom. Just to prevent any possible hookups......even though she may not even have been thinking that. Im proud of myself for handling that well.

I did go in her bedroom to chat w/her over Xmas, and a photo of us is on her nightstand on top of her jewelry box. There is also another pic of us on a table in her room. The only other pics she has (and she has lots) are of family. Is that weird?

We are supposed to be "just friends".....sigh. I still dont know if I can handle this, i am doing things day by day. I don't think she is with anyone and I am not yet either. Since Tgiving, we have talked on the phone anywhere from 1-3x per day (about absolutely nothing!) and eat lunch during workweek several times per day, we've gone shopping, to the movies, etc. Hanging out and looking like friends, but still strange bec. i dont think she does this w/anyone else. Its like we're back to where we were before the summer NC, just no sex. ALOT of daily contact. Obviously a comfort zone here---on both parties. It's confusing. I havent addressed anything bec i don't want to rock the boat, i feel like if she wants to be more than pals, she can bring that up.

One thing that I am not happy with is I think I am looking "too available" for her......like, I pretty much answer the phone whenever she calls, always there to hang out when she calls. I've still hung w/other friends, but ....you know. 98% of the time i let her initiate the calls, occasionally I'll call. So it looks like Im not that eager. At least that's the attempt.

She also stayed over at my place right b/f Xmas. We had gone out to eat and have a few drinks, it was late and she was off the next day and she asked if she could stay over (on my couch) bec. she lives about an hr away.....I gave her a LOOK and said I didnt know if it was a good idea...she said she'd be on the couch, I cave in. Nothing happened, but it was nice to have her there in the morning like we used to, having coffee.She said she was happy to relax there. The little things I miss.

Believe it or not, I am trying to play it cool. I went away to visit friends this past wk, just got home today. Told her at the last minute, we are not together so.....I can do what I want. I wanted to make sure I had my own plans for NY's bec. I know she partied her *$& off and had plans that Im sure she wasn't gonna be inviting me to, so I made my own plans several wks ago to avoid more heartache. She and I talked at least 1x per day that I was gone this past wk. I last heard from her Friday, she called 3 times! No reason! Most people Im friends with I probably wouldn't call if I knew they were going away to visit family/friends bec. I would just wait till they got back.

I havent heard from her yesterday or even today, I kinda thought she'd call to say Happy NY's.......but she didn't. I will let her call, though. Does anyone else think that's weird or is it me being my usual?

sigh....some things never change!

Enjoyed reading up on everyones posts and new forums since i've been gone.......

I hear ya, and I clearly see your point, too. I probably sound desperate when I write......actually, most people have told me that I am too good for her. Having stuck by during her illness, I am very educated, good looking (so I've been told, & was a child model), slender, sweet, not too faced, good values. So on paper I guess I look like a great catch. I've never cheated on anyone or got in the middle of someone's relationship. She is the one who really hasn't treated me very nicely once we got together. We never officially were together, we slept together for a yr, she had gotten out of an 8 yr rel. and hasnt been w/anyone besides me since. Prior to that we had been very good friends, that was it. She initiated the intimacy. You gotta read my previous posts to get the whole thing. Basically it was a case of her getting her cake/eating it too. And me being the nice girl, I put up w/alot before I did NC. I still have feelings for her bec. mine didnt go away as fast. There was no concrete reason given to me why she didnt want to be w/me. I would have thought by now she'd have hooked up w/someone else, esp given the amount of partying she does, but it has not happened. And why she wants me in her life is beyond me. I am just gonna try to be scarce but friendly right now.

I probably sound * * * * *y in this post, sorry........PMS, whatever......i dont know what i am saying or asking. Just venting perhaps! I dont want to be anyone's doormat. I am not letting her stay w/me again, or doing her favors, or any of that stuff. Not paying for her when we've gone out. 50-50. I guess I am a dumpee???.......they never realize what they have till it's gone and even then it makes you wonder. Egos, big egos......](*,)

No, I know I still have feelings for her, I'm human and I can't honestly say I don't. I'm still struggling with things. I am trying to get to where I need to be. Probably is safe to say "I'm into her"......however, the NC I established made me have some separation and I feel more aware of certain avenues with this than I did before I NC'd. I am not trying to "play" her. I think it's the other way around. She contacted me, broke NC. (I know, I allowed it...).....There are other fish in the sea. I know that. There is a part of me that would like the feelings reciprocated but there's a good chance they may not be. It is very difficult. I helped her go thru cancer. It's hard. I pray every day I get to where I need to be w/head and heart.

Right now I can handle having a friendship of sorts with her. I am keeping boundaries up for myself. How long that can continue---don't know. Could it continue if she chooses to date? No, I would not be able to handle that. If I was able to meet someone myself I would not deny the opportunity to have a date or whatever. Some may argue that I won't have that chance till I'm NC with her again. I don't know. I kind of wish I could meet someone because it may help....but you can't bank on someone else popping into the picture to solve your problem, I get that. I hang out with other friends, do my own thing, I'm trying. But I am not playing anyone. It is not always easy to do black/white with someone you care about. She is not stupid, I'm sure she thinks or feels that I still care for her. We'll see......we have that concert tonight to go to.

Shrugging my shoulders......doing what i can right now.....that's all I can say......

Hi everyone, happy holidays to all! Haven't posted in a while, busy with work and other things that come w/this time of the year. Trying to catch up with where everyone is at.....

I wrote a few wks ago that my ex g/f had broken NC back in October as a b-day call to me. She had invited me to come to T-giving dinner and I wound up going. I did have a good time, her family has always been great to me. We are not together, we have not discussed anything like that, I still think she is not ready for a relationship and even if she was, I don't know if it's me she would want. I guess we're just friends, if that.

I am being very cool w/her, letting her initiate most of the phone calls between us, as well as making plans. I would like to start making plans to do this and that again, but I don't want to seem eager or that I'm reading into something because I seriously DO NOT want to get hurt again. I am not trying to give her the control here, but I definitely don't want to seem eager. I wish my head and heart were lined up at the same pace. But they're not yet. I still have feelings for her that I am trying to work through.

I think she has missed me during the nearly 5 months we really didn't communicate. She suggested over the T-giving wkend that we go see two upcoming shows, one the ballet and another a Broadway show that is put on where I live as part of a nat'l tour, as well as a well known concert that is actually tonight. I grew up going to see Broadway shows in NYC, and she knows that my family is into all that. She was never exposed to that stuff until we met. So I found it funny that she wanted to start doing that, esp. with me, now. Not trying to read into it, but I do know that most of her 'friends' are more into bar hopping (yes, she is 41 but hangs out w/a variety of ages) than theater hopping and probably wouldn't think to do things like this. I was pleased, since I enjoy seeing shows and hadn't in a long while. We've seen the ballet and the other show, then had dinner after each time. Everything is still very chill, mostly enjoying each other's company........like FRIENDS I guess. The concert tonite is also kinda funny bec. we are taking 2 of her family members, one being her mom. For someone that is so hung up on not wanting anyone (esp me) to think we are anything but friends, she sure has been wanting her family in the picture. They aren't stupid, even though we've never admitted to being anything more than friends in the past, I'm sure they're wondering what's up.

I know she hasn't hooked up with or dated anyone since me. Last week, she made a few sexually suggestive remarks to me that I also found strange, given the fact she would have a heart attack if anyone thought we were dating. (She is one funny duck, I tell ya!)......we were at the mall and I had to go to the bathroom really bad, so I asked her to hurry up and she said, "Oh you're stomach prob. hurts from all your hootchie-ing around"........like, hello? She knows I dont bar hop OR sleep around. I just laughed it off. Then another time she brought up a sexual exp. we had had when we were on vacation.....kinda out of the blue. And a third time, when I mentioned that I had a zit on my chin from PMS, she said "Oh, you prob have zits from eating p^*&(".....sorry to be disgusting & write that, but that is what she said. Its like she's either fishing for information, or trying to see my reaction but I think that is messed up to say things like that to someone you clearly told for many weeks way back in the day how much you didnt want to be w/them, only wanted friendship...........if I was the one who said those things to her I'd have been branded the dirtiest dog that ever lived.

Double standards!

Sigh, I let NC break when I was doing well. In a way I am happy to have her in my life again but who knows long term if that will remain. I would never be able to emotionally handle it if she hooked up w/someone, but that is her business and I am free to do what I want. So right now friendship it is. Part of me of course wants more. Part of me doesn't, as I dont want to be someone's safety net. Im still keeping my own life, hanging out w/my other friends, working hard, just trying.

I have also noted that since Thanksgiving, she and I have either talked to each other or seen each other every day except once. We have been meeting for lunch several times during the week. And last Saturday nite, she actually wanted to go shopping w/me and not bar hopping. I couldnt believe it. I cant remember the last Sat nite we spent together hanging out at all. I dont think the bar thing has stopped, certainly not, but wow. She has been the one initiating most of the calls and plans. I best keep it that way.

I also made my own plans already for New Year's so I dont get my hopes up about that or get upset. Not that she knows this, and Im sure she wouldnt ask me to hang out for NY's bec. she'll be drunk somewhere but still.

That is my update, hope everyone else is hanging in there too. Remember to treat yourself to something nice this holiday even if you're buying for others. A little retail therapy never hurt! Just know your limits!

Any advice, comments or suggestions are welcome. Im not exactly asking for something specific in this post, but trying to continue making progress with a bizarre situation. ](*,)

Well, thanks for all the input. I finally have a chance now to give an update. Regarding Patience's last post, as far as I know she is comfortable with her sexuality. She isn't full blown "butch" but I am very feminine and you would never tell by looking at me that I was gay. She looks it. She came out when she was 18 and is 41 now. Never has been w/a man. I actually never thought of that as an issue. She underwent a double mastectomy and total reconstruction, and has had other surgeries besides. And is in total menopause now due to a preventative complete hysterectomy since she has the BC gene. When we first became intimate, she still was not thru one more surgery. It was very deep and emotional for me, because I wanted her to know that I was being intimate with her because "of her". I didnt look at her differently because of her physical changes. Whereas her ex g/f that she had recently broken up w/at the time told her that she was personally too young to "go thru all that sickness" (yes, that was the girl's exact words) and made her feel ugly.

I would stick by any person I was with if they became sick. That could happen to me someday, and I would hope and pray someone would be there for me. I live by the whole karma thing. You do good, hopefully it comes back to you. And if it doesnt, at least you can sleep easy at nite.

Anyways, my update: I went to her family's for T=giving yesterday and it went really well. I played it cool, did not read into anything, and had a good time. Alot of her family told me I looked great and asked how I was. I'm sure they wondered where I'd been, they're not stupid but I have nothing to hide so I was fine being there. I stayed till after 10pm and got there at 11:30am.

The only thing that bothered me was that I found out that one of my friends had actually called her and told her she needed to leave me alone (way out of line, Im real pissed about that but that is another story) and they asked her why she invited me and she told them that she felt sorry for me because I had no place else to go.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? She knows me inside/out and knows I have places to go! I was like, give me an f-ing break! But that is a typical response of hers; im actually not surprised. She doesnt seem to want anyone to know what she's doing, re-connecting with me to some degree. I personally think its because she knows she f-d up. I mean, why bring me around your family when they're naturally gonna get curious?

Not saying we are going to reconnect in that way, but still.

Another interesting thing I found was that she had redone her bedroom and there are still 2 framed photos of us in there. The only other pics she has in there are of her family or her w/various family members. She always said all we were was good friends, and I guess u can have pics of your friends up, I do, but considering all that went on, in the past several months, I was a little surprised that they are still there.

And the only other thing that came up was when I was talking to her sister about an upcoming concert I was planning on getting tix for. The ex later asked me if I wanted to go w/her and her mother and aunt as part of their xmas present, like we could take them. And she would pay theirs and hers and I would pay mine. Found that interesting. So I thought whatever, I'd have a good time and Im really looking forward to seeing these performers, so I said ok. Its in a few weeks.

Im not expecting her to want to be with me, so we'll see what happens. I think that she has missed me but is one of those who will never admit it. She didnt thank me for coming down for the dinner, not that i expected her to, but she did ask me to call her when i got home to let her know that i got there safely. Thats pretty impressive (though sad) for her!

hope everyone had a good and safe holiday!

and yes, she is notorious for sending mixed signals.....before and i could see it happen now as well....the actions and the words never matched. it was always "I dont want you, I never wanted you, what it comes down to is you want me and I dont want you, don't build your world around me, you know where we stand?........." those are all EXACT quotes from her I heard OVER AND OVER for months. And I wasnt even coming on to her physically or verbally! It was like her issue, not mine. I didnt beg her for anything. Like she had to keep saying it to convince herself. For what reason is anyone's guess. She also is famous for saying how she has to have deep feelings to be intimate w/someone and it is true she has only slept with about 7 people in her life, to be 41 yrs old I guess that is good! but yet she slept w/me for a yr? something doesn't add up!

See, that's where the trouble started before and that is what I DON'T want to happen again. I truthfully don't know if i could emotionally handle being just friends w/someone i have such a deep history with. Part of the problem was her wanting her cake & eating it too. She wanted to go out and party and do what she wanted and live the life of a single person but have me on the side for sex, emotional comfort, companionship, etc etc. And it cant work that one sided for very long. 'Cause after a while I wasnt getting anything back even as a friend. I was ultimately treated like an attractive doormat, which I guess Im guilty for "allowing" to go on for a while, but still that doesnt make it right. I dont even call her my "friend" yet...

I know she told one of her relatives that she hoped I wasnt reading into the invite for Thursday....whatever, because I've done NC and gone on. She broke it, she's been calling me up to do stuff, yes it could just be for a friendship reason but it makes no sense to me. Sorry, I just get pissed thinking about it. I went thru ALOT of pain. My past posts reflect that and not even half of how much it hurt. That is why I'm not getting too excited about anything either way. I do wonder, that' s normal, but i'm trying to banish those thoughts right now because I cant get hurt again. I'm 30 yrs old now, not a hard partying college age student anymore. I want a real life with someone who wants me. Don't want to be w/someone for kicks or ego boost. I dont even think she's worthy of my friendship at this point, she would have to do ALOT to gain that back. Im not going to get walked on again. But yes, it's hard, there are still alot of (conflicting) feelings there. If she thinks there's someone better out there who can see her through cancer (GOD FORBID) and be there unconditionally I say, have at it, sister!

Grrr............i think i got a little excited for a minute.....apologize if it sounds harsh.....just my feelings......but appreciate the input.........

Playing it cool works in a way i guess.....the ex called and wanted to eat lunch today. So, we met up and ate and spent about an hour just talking...interesting, considering I will be with her on Thursday! I am NOT reading into it, it's only a tidbit...

Just my little boring update.....hope everyone is well!

Manipulation......sigh. Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom and kind wishes. I pray for all of you, too. I am being very cautious and chill. She just called me actually, on her way home from work and we talked for nearly an hour. Casual stuff. Im getting pretty good at that!

I did get to talk to her aunt today and got an update @ the invite. She had asked her aunt if it was ok to invite me and her aunt was like, Of course! Well, then my ex said to her she felt it was the right thing to do, to call me, she "needed" to call me....smthg like that. And then she made a comment like "I bet she answers on the first ring".....when I heard that I was like, whatever. I have a flip phone (cell) and when I see the person's name come up I usually dont wait for it to ring 40 times I pick it up! I do that with everyone....she sure thinks I am waiting on her. And she also made a comment to her aunt that she hoped I wasn't going to read into the invite... AHHHHH!!!

I know that doing the NC was for me, but geez! I kind of hoped it would show her that I am strong, moving on, and am not always going to be there for her. Instead she still thinks I want her. Well of course I still have feelings for her but everyone has said I've done a great job not showing it to her, and wasnt the one who broke NC. What the h#&%??? What does this woman want from me? ...she probably doesnt know either.....

I should go on Oprah. Maybe she'd set it all straight

I would have to thank my fellow Enotaloner's on air, though!!!

I know. I have decided to go because I love being around her family, and I wouldn't be going simply because of her.......I spent alot of time w/them (with her, but also w/them) and miss seeing them. Truthfully she is the one who is going to look funny, not me, as I havent been around them in about 5 months except for the 2 that Im still real close with.

I am not reading into it and plan to play it cool with her, the whole situation. Its weird....you'd think I'd be jumping on couches, doing the whole Tom Cruise thing I'm not. It's like, this is the kind of stuff us dumpees analyze and cry and wonder over, and then when it happens the reaction in myself is different.

Maybe I'm growing and learning and becoming more aware.

Well, here is a funny update: My ex called me about 2 hrs ago and invited me to Thanksgiving dinner! How odd is that?! With her family, as I have been there for the past 2 yrs.

I JUST DON'T GET PEOPLE!

don't know whether to laugh or cry or shake my head alot...lol......

Thanks NJ. It's hard because I still dont know what I want even though I have an idea of what would be best for me. The attraction is still there. Neither of us have dated anyone else. Of course that could change in an instant, and she is a partier and Im not so she is more likely to meet someone before I do, and that is going to set me back when it does.

Right now, I dont feel like she was even a good, loyal friend to me for a while towards the end and I dont know if she's even worth that chance again. But there was a point in time, a long time, where we had a deep friendship before we got involved that was genuine.....so that's where alot of the confusion comes from. I dont know if I should take her calls when they come, or not? I dont want to give the impression that I have no life but "jump" when SHE wants to have lunch, or talk. I hardly have initiated any calls since she broke NC. I've let her do it. Which I guess is good, but at the same time I dont want her running the show. Its so hard to know what to do!! CONFUSION!!!

Amen to that, Mr. Lion! For me, friendships (just friendships) are like falling in love. For me, life is too short to build my world around a bunch of acquaintances who mean very little to me. I would rather have a few close friends I can count on one hand then a bunch of superficial ones at a bar or whatever. I may not have the active social schedule my ex g/f has but at least I know who I could call if I needed to at 3am. And you can be friends or dating someone for years before a crisis hits and you see the other person's true character, if they are there for you or not.

My ex had actually experienced that, during her cancer and breakup there were a # of people she thought were going to be there unconditionally all the time for support or what have you, and they weren't. That's what I dont get in my own situation....she's BEEN through it and recognized it, yet I feel like she's become one of them and in a way, has done the same thing to me. Sigh sigh sigh..........

From what I have learned, when they go out and party (whether its a new behavior of theirs or an old one coming out of the woodwork) it is so they can blow off steam, show off, bury their emotions in the beer, music, and loud idiotic people......its a superficial setting, you can easily get sucked into that type of lifestyle, and you dont really have to think. Its all about appearances, an excuse to condone behaviors that otherwise would be unacceptable.

Thanks Patience, you are right on the money here. We have not talked about what happened since the summer when we had it out. We typically did not "fight" or argue w/each other like a lot of people; rather, I think we both lacked efficient communication skills for a variety of reasons. Because I've experienced alot of rejection in past situations, I tend to clam up when Im feeling any emotion other than happiness. And with her I didnt want to push the envelope, so to speak, because I knew she had gotten out of a LTR and I didnt want to seem like I was trying to move in on her territory or purposely become a rebound. But slowly it became all about her and her feelings and I was pushed to the side. It sucks...we used to be such close friends and it hurts. I guess people go in and out of your life. I know everything happens for a reason but I can't find solace in that right now. I dont want someone who doesnt want me. I have yet to find a person who has something to offer me and wants what I have to offer them. But then, people like my ex become dumpers and then B$^%& and moan about how all they want is someone they can trust, to not cheat, blah blah blah and when they get it they dont see it or dont care or dont appreciate it. What gives with people that do this? Do they ever see when they cause someone pain who was good to them?

wow, your story has some similar components to mine. We're in very close boats, so to speak. I know exactly how you feel right now. I would like to do the same thing. My ex is not with anyone at this time, but that could change in a heartbeat as her eyes are always open for the next great thing. I would recommend maybe doing what I'm doing: not saying anything at this time because you are so open and vulnerable (like me). We dont want to expose ourselves to any more pain than necessary. Unfortunately right now, I dont think you telling her is going to give you the response back you are looking for. Its her stupidity not yours, but that is what is probably realistic right now. I'd wait a while, do NC, maybe reconnect w/her at a later date but dont tell her you love her now. That will cause her to prob. back even further away, it puts someone in the "hot seat" and if they're not feeling the same way (yet or ever) the response will make you sink even further. good luck......

ComputerGuy.....you called me on it! Exactly.....my posts are probably getting more emotionally charged each time. Im typing furiously! Ahhhh.....being a counselor and then having this to deal with and figure out when I come home is VERY challenging. I have been seeing a counselor 2x per month since January for my own reasons....i just believe that in order for me to be the most effective with my work I need to continue working on "me".....which is the healthiest route to go. And my counselor is all aware of this situation. Just for the record!

I think I am doing ok.....but there's more work to be done. Sometimes I wish I could meet someone new. I live in a relatively small town compared to where I grew up (big city) so its kind of like everyone knows everyone...there is a time for everything. I just hope I get a chance to meet someone who I can be equal with and who appreciates me as I do them.

Hi Lion,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You made me cry just now....I feel like a geek! Oh well....you are right, many friends of mine, have told me the same thing. I know it, I guess.....it just hurts. She was one of my closest, closest friends in the world with a huge amount of memories and trust between us. It used to be equal and not one sided. I dont want to lose the kindness I have for others. I am so tired of being hurt and dont get why the b&$^#s in this world seem to get ahead instead of me. Sigh....I am venting here, not trying to be so negative. I am sitting home on a Saturday night when I should be socializing. Life goes on....i rack my brain trying to understand WHY she used me, trust me I feel used. Convenient. But WHY use me when she KNEW me? Her other "friends" were no where near as reliable as I was. I dont regret being kind because god forbid i ever got sick I would hope someone would be there for me too....i like to think of life as a balancing act and i try to treat everyone as I wish to be treated. Im pretty much a what you see is what you get type person...no hidden agenda here. That is what hurts. And I wonder if she realizes what she lost in me. That is what makes food not go down and makes me toss and turn at nite. I appreciate all your advice and comments.....thank you so much.....

ComputerGuy, I know I am not over her. I'm not, there's no way. My head and heart are tangled up. I do not initiate calls from her, I try to get out and work and socialize when I can and keep busy. It is very hard. She continues to party and work and do whatever....to me, she is very conflicted and lost and is trying to piece together her life since it got turned upside from her other breakup (which I personally dont think she is over that woman, she would never take her back but i dont think she's over it yet). I think doing NC helped me alot but still have a ways to go. When she called me on my b-day we talked for 2 hrs. She said she was going to be the "bigger person" and call me even though I was "mean" and didn't call her on hers. Whatever....we were in NC. I was shocked she called me, to be honest. During the call, some of the weird stuff that she said included her asking me like 4 times if I had "badmouthed her" to my parents. *CENSORED**CENSORED**CENSORED*?? My parents, who live about 8hrs away from me, were always very good to her. Her ex came from a white trash family, sorry, but thats what they were. They werent good to my ex or even their own daughter. Whereas my family took us on trips, sent gifts when she was sick....she never had any of that before. That's just how my family is. And Im not the type to discuss my personal stuff w/my parents, let alone badmouth her. Its like she was trying to make sure she still looked good to them....why she would care is beyond my understanding. At the end of the call, she asked when i was coming back into town (i was away that weekend) and did i want to get dinner later that wk. I said ok, I'd call her when i returned, and then i politely thanked her for the call, i appreciated it. Her response: Now.....don't read into this.".........i am rolling my eyes as i type this.....f&^&$% up! I was NOT reading into anything, just thanked her for the b-day call like I had thanked a bunch of other people who had called me prior to her call? She is insane I think.....or has an ego the size of the continental U.S............

Well, I have a hard time understanding people who do that as well. In my case, it is very confusing because my ex is like me in that we are not friends with our exes. Granted, we have both had psycho exes, but we always seemed to agree on that point; why be friends now if you couldn't be friends during the relationship? That is what I dont get about her. What I have come to terms with is that since we never were "officially" together, esp in her mind, we never "broke up" so why shouldn't we just pick up where we left off. Sorry, but where I come from you don't sleep with your friends. You just don't! I can't say she ever treated me like a tried and true g/f....she claims she does not want one at this point in her life and I do believe that. And I don't want to be w/someone who doesn't want to be with me. When I asked her back in the summer when this all came to a head how do you sleep w/someone for a yr but claim to have no feelings for them, and then claim you dont sleep around (which I know is true about her) but then claim you have to have feelings for someone to be intimate with them. None of it makes any sense to me. I have left it well alone, trust me. It still is very painful to think about because of how much history is there. Being a caretaker of a cancer patient is very hard. Sometimes I needed support too, but since I am counselor by profession, it often carries over into my personal life. I have to work very hard to keep things separate. However, I allowed things to go on and no one forced me to keep things going between us as long as it did. When you sleep with someone, it changes everything. Plus, alot of gay women sleep with their friends like its nothing, and can easily go back to just being friends. I am one of the few who can't. I know myself and my emotions, and I can't handle that. So now Im presented with that very issue and Im trying to deal with it. I want to hold my head up like a lady and soldier on. It's just very hard.

I dont know if long term I will remain friends with her. I dont even call her a friend right now. Its limbo stage. Trying to move on, trying to understand people and I went to school for yrs on this stuff and it still makes little to no sense, human behavior.....

Ok, I can tell the story. I have posted it a # of times before so if anyone does read this who already knows it, sorry. I call her my ex because there is no other term I can put on it. We were good friends, very close for several yrs. We became intimate nearly 2 yrs ago now. The timing was quite bad. She had just gotten out of an almost 9yr rel with a woman who cheated on her 9 out of 9 yrs....she kept taking her back until one day the chick didnt' come back. Her ex left her during a few life threatening illnesses she had. When we became intimate we never officially became a "couple". You would have thought we were but she always said "just friends". You can only imagine....we did everything together, it wasnt about someone else....i helped her thru cancer.....her ex had dumped her in part because she felt she was "too young to go through this & was entitled to more in life". So I guess I was there and picked up the pieces. I did not pressure her to make a committment, I had been out of a very bad relationship for about a yr before we got "together" so I had a little more time under my belt and it was not a long relationship. I simply tried to be there as a friend and then it developed into smthg more. We both were/are responsible for that. However, she wanted to go out and party (she is 41 now) I guess because for almost 9yrs she had been tied down. I understood that, in a f(&^&^ way, so I never said anything. She wanted to go out and party, not hook up w/someone but party, and then come home to me. That is what I meant about wanting her cake & eating it too. She wanted certain components of a stable relationship w/o having to put much effort into anything back., And after a while, that extended over to the friendship. I understand that she wanted to rediscover herself, grieve, heal.....i never tried to take the place of her ex (heck, I am 100% better of a person than she ever could be).....she knew me for a long time and knew she could trust me. Especially more than her immature drinking buddies. She has some good friends but mostly hangs out with the bar people. That is her choice.....but back in June I got fed up with being a doormat, allowing it to go on and I did NC.

So that is an abbrievated version of things. She called me last month on my b-day and reopened the contact. I followed the NC rules I read on here and did NOT contact her on her b-day in August because it wasnt healthy for me. I think she would have been content to be or remain friends.....she said that she slept w/me for a yr bec. she was "vulnerable">sorry....i have a hard time accepting that. If she says it i guess its true, but to me a yr sleeping w/the same person is a LONG rebound!!! To me a rebound is typically anything from a 1 nite stand to maybe a few months. But to do that for that long of a time, take me home to her family every wkend, spend time w/my family, have me in the hospital with her...?? Dont get it! She had other people whom she could have asked.......none are as loyal, but there are people who may have been there. Maybe because I dealt w/the cancer and I am young myself and saw and learned so much.....it hurts. I dont get it. I want to be healthy for me. She never abused me, but she is manipulative w/her words and does not talk @ feelings. She avoids and compartmentalizes....

I guess in a way you are right, ComputerGuy...appreciate your input.....i can't honestly say that wanting something more than friendship is me not kidding myself....i dont want to get hurt again and I've done well maintaining my NC when it was on and now that we've been talking some, I wait for my ex to call (not wait around, but she has to make the move, not me) and go on about my life. I was thinking about different facets of this and that thought ran accross my mind, about what it is like if you were to reconnect w/an ex (ours was due mostly from bad timing).....starting w/friendship and going slow as the best way........

Don't beat yourself up over it, it's done and over with, take it as a learning experience. We get impulsive sometimes when we're trying really hard to make sense of very difficult things in our lives. As long as you don't keep doing this, for safety reasons as well as peace of mind reasons, you'll move on from this.

I haven't been with anyone intimately in almost a year. It has not been what I wanted, duh! and I am considered to be very attractive (i modeled in high school) and have no problem with people asking me out, but I havent been ready. I've been wanting to get some at times....and its taken all i have to not do it 'cause Im not ready.

Mistakes are made.....its cool. Just try really really hard not to do it again so you dont feel this way!

Similar situation in my life as well....only I initiated NC after I decided I didnt want to be treated like an attractive doormat (no abuse occurred, just the "want their cake and eat it too" syndrome from her)......she broke it last month and I caved in and we have been talking on and off....I believe my ex just wanted to party and see what's out there just in case...she hasnt to my knowledge dated anyone but eyes are always peeled.....I take "needing space" as wanting to explore other options but if you were good to your ex deep down they know it (their lack of maturity level prohibits them from acknowledging it) but wont admit it, but at some point they realize they had a good thing, ---a good lover and a good friend if that's what you were. And alot of the dumpers in cases like this want their cake and eat it too.....keep you as a friend because good true friends are hard to find. You can party w/anyone but unconditional loyalty is like finding a pure diamond---very rare.

If the exes do hook up, or when they do, its usually w/someone who is trashy or way below a "good dumpers" level.....they dont have the same expecatations that were present when they were with us.

....this is some of what i think, hope it helps a bit, stay strong all.......

I know, its simple solutions yet very complicated ones at the same time. I wish it could be that easy, at least in my case. I see "ehem's" points....my ex and I were very close friends for a long time before it ever developed into something more. It is a risk we both took and I personally don't regret it because sometimes you have to jump into things or else you'll never know.

I'm just saying, if a person was to give it a shot again, whether it works or not is a moot point right now, but if you were, because you were willing/able to put your feet in that direction, do you start w/friendship and no expectations of a relationship?

Im also aware that one person may develop or have more feelings than the other...just bear w/my weird question......

My question is this: If you and your significant other break up, for whatever reason, you do NC, and down the road the dumper contacts you, is a "good" thing to do if you possibly want to get back into a relationship with that person down the road /// to re-establish a friendship first? Where that's all it is, no sex, no promise of anything, just friendship?

(My feeling is that a healthy relationship is where there is a base of friendship as the foundation or as part of it. )

(I am not implying that its a good idea to sleep w/your friends, just if you had been friends as well as lovers is that the way to go if you wanted to have something more down the road).