Armyguy368

So, you may know my situation (or not), that I helped a woman at work (yes, I know and hear you that I should not get involved with a co-worker, well it happened). I helped her get through her issue with her boyfriend and being there helped her out. Well, the long-distance relationship ended, which I knew was not going to work out. So, she posted on social media that she is starting her new life. So, I wanted to reply with the following message:

I know you will get through your latest ordeal. I wanted to take a moment to remind you something that may be easy to forget during rough times and I have stated to you recently. You are stronger than you think and a person with a kind and gentle heart. Your personality shines bright, and your internal and external beauty are remarkable. Your young at heart internally and externally as well as how you take care of yourself by the way you present yourself as well by staying fit. I believe in your ability to overcome any challenges that come your way. Im here to listen. As I have said to you, you have to remind yourself that you are number one! Stay strong and take one step at a time. 

This I think puts it out there about how I feel about her as well. I will ask her out in about a month, if I feel that its right. I have been told by many people to give her space and let her heal.  To know be the rebound guy if she does accept my invitation to go out. If she says no, then I know that its not meant to be and she is not attractive to me. Time to move on, right. 

19 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Maybe these just aren't YOUR women.

If you're there to 'comfort' them.  That's not what they're looking for then. ( meaning, what YOU want & what they're looking for is different).

Are you maybe missing the 'signs'?  Eg. IF she is truly interested, you'll know it.  Meaning she WILL reach out, just like you do.  Is not all one sided, etc.

Also, you will drain yourself if you just go from one woman to the next to whomever will give you some attention 😕 , then yes, it's going to drag you down.

Have you been in a long-term relationship over the yrs or married?

 

SoSadd: Its been a long time that I have been in a relationship. I find that I am not attractive for woman as I am bald as well, which effects my self-esteeem. I am learning to push away from her as its her choice what she wants to do. I have been in a long-term relationship years ago and have never been married.

On 3/10/2024 at 6:31 PM, Batya33 said:

That woman is committed elsewhere still. How often do you pursue women who are unavailable to date? Do you like the thrill of the chase? I don't think many men abuse women.  I think it does happen -I wouldn't lead with that mindset -what's the point of setting up some strawman to compare yourself to? You do you.  It was thoughtful of you to comfort her -except you had ulterior motives, yes?

Well, I am attracted to here and yes she has committed to herself elsewhere. We talked like today and I see this ending. So in the long run I know it would be great for me to be in her mind. I am not expecting anything as I am searching at the moment for other woman as well.

1 hour ago, ShySoul said:

Just about evey woman I've known has told me the opposite. They have told me that they dream of finding the nice guy that will be there to love and support them. The ones who are married will tell me they are happy they found a nice guy. They actively complain and are fustrated by the guys who don't treat them nice. 

Nice doesn't mean pushover. Nice doesn't mean you have no confidence or don't speak up for yourself. Nice doesn't mean passive or patronizing. Nice simply means nice. It means you care about people and try to help them. It means you show respect, both to yourself and others. It means kind, friendly, and polite. It means genuinely listening to others and doing your best to understand and relate to them. These are all things that any relationship, be it romantic or otherwise, would benefit greatly from. If you ask me, the world would be a lot better if people viewed "nice" as a good thing and we all tried to be a little more "nice."

But don't take my word for it, let scientists weigh in:  https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/when-nice-guys-finish-first/

"Agreeable individuals are not especially likely to let people walk all over them, either. No evidence supports the notion that nice people lack the self-esteem required to stand up for themselves or avoid being taken advantage of. Still, because our culture greatly values assertiveness, nice people may need to work harder to convince others that they have what it takes to be an effective leader."

I agree ShySoul. I am not somebody that is a pushover or can be walked on.  I defend my terrority and my opinions at work all the time. I am a military guy with 31 years under my belt and have not gotten to where I am without pushing back and arguing my case with superiors when needed. I am a nice guy because I care about people and have empathy as well. Last week the woman at work is having issues with her long-distance boyfriend, it's coming to a close due to the distance. I was NICE enough to listen to her and help her with her racing thoughts, to comfort her. She is the one who said I am sweet and yes, she is the one I am attracted to, but she likes another guy in the office. I show respect to women because there are too many men out there that abuse women or are in a relationship and screw around with other women. Because they feel they can get away with it. Is that so nice to the other woman? No.

I am so tired of being passed over for other guys. I am always seen as the "Mr. nice guy". Its been like this since high school. I always seem to get interested a woman I like and then I am always put in the "friend zone" as she tends to date another guy. Its ripping my heart out each time. I suffer from depression and this brings me really down. So It takes me time to get out of the mood I am feeling (I am in therapy so you know dealing with my depression). 

I have a lot to offer a woman and always told I am sweet, but that nice, but it leads to nowhere. It seems I tend to like a woman who likes another guy and this is getting so old. I cant seem to find a woman that I like that fits what I am looking for without getting hurt all the time. Or I get to know a woman thinking this could lead somewhere and then I get friended and not into the boyfriend or I want to date you status.

I am 53 and I feel time is running out. I am not going to date someone that I am not attracted to just to get sex, because that is not I want. Yes I want to get laid, but to someone that I am attracted to and vice sersa. 

I dont know what to do anymore and tired of being alone. 

To Starlight and shysoul:

I fully understand your replies.  Why do I feel that I may have screwed up even though you said I did not? I am trying to make a great impression on her because we have such a good relationship. By saying she was older than she was, does not set a good impression. She does look younger in a photo that I tried to attach and she is very attractive.  Anything could happen in the future and I would hope to have an opportunity to date her.

I also said my age and feel as though I may be too old now as well. She can attract men who are 10 years younger as well 

I just feel that I always say something that can turn someone off and its usually someone that I am attracted to as well.  Then comes the rejection that makes me upset as I have been rejected so many times in the past. 

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Aren't you just assuming she was "offended"?  Has she come out and said "I'm offended by how you guessed my age"?

And the wording of that note you're planning is more offensive than possibly hurting her feelings by thinking she is older than she actually is.  It's basically one of those non-apologies..."I'm sorry you were offended" and that bit about not being what she wanted to hear. Rather than "I'm sorry I was rude".  Not to mention, giving her this note will make things even more awkward, not less.  Oof.

Ok. Great to hear. Thanks for the reply. I will leave this issue alone. 

On 2/9/2024 at 8:51 PM, Starlight925 said:

You did nothing wrong.  She asked how old you thought she was, and she was fishing for the compliment of 10 years younger.  Well, you were honest, and this is on her.  

Note to her:  Don't go fishing for compliments, as you might just get the truth.

 

I talked to my sister about this and she said I should possibly write a small note to say that I am sorry to have offended her and make her uncomfortable by telling her she was older than she wanted to hear. 

My thoughts are this was last Friday and this should have been done on Friday night.  If I do tomorrow (Monday), I feel it makes me seem insecure as well. I know I have self-esteem and insecurities that I am trying to deal with a therapist which I have been dealing with for years, especially dealing with women. 

21 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Guessing a person's age is usually a bad idea. Go to high, some people are offended. Guess to low, some people could be offended. Some people look (or act) very differently then their age would indicate, in either direction. And some people are just bad at being able to tell. So best to just not get involved in the whole thing in the first place. You did nothing wrong in speaking what you honestly thought. She placed you in the situation, you tried to be reasonable. If she is upset, its on her for asking. Though it's nice that you feel bad for possibly upsetting her.

I'd also say the best way to read body language is to not try to read body language. Different movements can mean different things depending on the person. Knees to chest could mean distancing herself. It could be a way of comforting herself. It could be because she feels sore and the postion helps relieve tension. It might not mean anything at all and she just likes sitting that way. And the way she sits or is feeling at the time might have nothing to do with you or what you said earlier. Instead of focusing on a person's body, focus on the person. Listen to what they are saying. I'm a believer that when you interact with people, you get a feeling from them that is a better indicator of what is going on with them then anything physical. If a person is angry, sad, happy, etc., you can generally sense it.

The more important issue here is your feelings about yourself. I'm going to guess that this insecurity makes you more prone to wondering if you offended someone or question every no you get? I know someone like that and, in my experience, this actually makes them less likely to offend people as they are more careful in there words and actions. I also try to stress that a person's response says as much (or more) about them then the person they are responding to. You could do everything right and some people will still be offended because of their own insecurities and issues. Even if someone is upset with you or rude to you, that might have nothing to do with you and be all about them. Likewise, somone might say no to doing something with you and it not be a complete rejection of you. She may honestly be busy on the weekend or not be able to afford going out much right now. 

If you find yourself feeling alone, don't dwell on these kinds of thoughts. Don't examine every action people do, because you're likely to just keep repeating the same negative thoughts you are already thinking and convince yourself that it's all just another sign of rejection, that no one wants to be around you. That's a hard cycle to break out of. Instead, think about something that you love and have fun with. Then do it. People are happiest when they are just being their true, authentic self and doing something they find meaningful and fun. So find what that is and enjoy it. Doing what you love is the best therapy of all.

Thanks for your reply.  This was a great reply to my issues. If I dont read body language, then I feel that she does enjoy my company. I am a good listener as many people say.  Its just for me not to have feeling for someone that I have such a great connection and would like to have a relationship with, but have to realize that it will not turn into anything for various reasons. She does look like she is in her 30s after looking at her photos on Facebook. So, by saying someone is older than what they say can offend people and then turn their backs on you as well.  So, I took hard because I really like her and realized I said the wrong thing and coping to move on.  I just have to face working with her when I go back to work tomorrow as well. 

On 2/9/2024 at 8:22 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't hit on women at work. It's messy and awkward. Please reconsider reading pick-up artists rubbish about body language.  Let the dust settle, be polite and professional at work. The workplace is not a singles club or dating app. Please find dates through other social activities and dating apps. 

So, you say I am hitting on her.  Well, I am not really hitting on her as you say. We have great conversations with one another.  Also, she invites me into her space, gives me high fives, etc. So, it's a strong connection.  The issue is I am very attracted to her and I do have to work with her constantly due to my job.  Its not like she works in another part of the building or office and I can just ignore her for the day. I also realize that I am attracted to women with whom I can't have a relationship.  She has a long-distance lover and I work with her.  So, I am realizing this after talking to people on this site. I meet women all the time that I am attracted to but can't have and that's one of my issues. 

As for going to dating sites, those do not work because those are based on looks first and I dont find myself attractive being bald.  I have also tried social activities, but fail at them as well and ask women out but get rejected there as well. So, this is a never-ending circle that seems to never end. 

I know what you are saying.  So hard to turn away someone that you have so much in common and easy to talk to as well.  After today, I will try to be professional and listen when she wants to chat.  But I realized asking her for coffee put the nail in the coffin as a way to tell myself to stop!

So, I know reading a woman's body language is very difficult at times for men.  Men can take a specific body language wrong. I have searched online to read a friend's body language.  Usually, she is very open to chatting, laughing, etc. But when we talked about age, I guessed that she was 45 since she told me that and had kids when she was 20 years old. My friend said the right thing and said, she looked 36 and she smiled.  But I am too honest and said the wrong thing.  She asked how old I thought she was during the interview when she came into an interview for a job at an hour company. I said in her 40s.  I feel as though she took offense to that and I got read and embassed.  I apologized to her, but I could tell she was offended by my comment on her age.  

I guess that is why you never ask a woman's age or you always tell her the age that is 10 years less than what you think. 

So, we usually have good conversations when I stop by the desk to chat during my break. Well, today, I noticed she had put both her knees to her chest when sitting in her chair. Usually its one knee or sitting relaxed and open. She also in the past turns her chair to talk to me as well.

Well, when I was talking to her at the end of the day before heading home, she had both her knees to her chest.  Is this a sign of her wanting to close herself off to me after my comment about her age? 

I also asked her out for coffee and she rejected with a nice way to let me down which I felt was a nice way to say no.  I gotten to know her and she goes out for coffee on weekends, but said she could not afford to go this weekened due to trying to save money. 

I know I am overthinking this as I have issues of insecurity and am tired of being alone.  So, when I say something that offends someone, it affects me mentally or is rejected for a no-strings coffee meet-up. 

This is why I need therapy, but having a hard time getting an appointment with the VA (that is another story).  I am too fixed on things like this and don't know how to handle this. 

Any advise regarding the body language and the age issue. 

Thanks

So, I have been working with a woman for the past month who came to work as a temp. I was attracted to her when she came into the interview.

Since she started working, we have had such a good vibe and connection.  You know that feeling when you have a great connection and it makes you happy inside.  Well, this woman makes me feel this way. She is attractive (natural beauty who doesnt wear much makeup - shes from Guam), has a great personality, loves to laugh, and the body that I am seeking in a woman. The main thing is the connection I feel we both have with one another. 

The catch, yes a catch, she has a long-distance boyfriend who is 3000 miles away.  So, I know to tread lightly with her. We connect so well, that I find out more about her everyday. I realize that I am getting caught up into more than what will come about. I am also not one to break up anyone's relationship, as I have had that happen to me.  I am just bonding as friend at the moment. I feel she puts out the body language in regards to always laughing at my jokes, asking me about my life, what I do on weekends, shows interests in what I like and saying to me, sounds great, I have never done that before (could this be a sign of interest to do something with me?). She lets me into her space when working on puzzle books together, looks straight into my eyes, moves her body toward me when I talk to her, etc.

I have a big crush on her, but its hard that I cannot be more than a friend at the moment. Id like to be the guy she leans on if she breaks up with her boyfriend who lives 3000 miles away. 

I guess I am having a hard time with her because she is not like anybody I have met in the past and I have been in multiple relationships and fell in love twice. Its like that girl or guy that you feel would be the one if given the chance. 

I am just lost on how to deal with her.  I have to work with her daily and keep my distance as much as I can as well. But when we get to talking, we could talk for hours I feel.  She is 46, divorced and I am single, 52.

Id like to ask her for coffee to have more time to chat, since we have not time at work. 

I need a females perspective and advice.