Armyguy368

On 4/27/2024 at 12:54 PM, boltnrun said:

So you're trying to hang out under the guise of being "friends" but you're really hoping she'll want to date you?

So, I am getting more opinions and I know the answer. If she sees me a friend, should I mention about wanting more than a friendship or leave it as is, since I think she already knows this. We do work together, so I dont want to to be awkward as well and this is how it all started unfortunately.

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Are you into her romantically, though?

I would be lying if I said no. She had asked me about axe throwing two weeks ago and we set a date and time, but it did not work. So, some say if the woman can see. you in a fun environment as a fun guy, its a step in the right direction.

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is she clear that it's just friends? 

Yes, its just friends as I know she is not into me romantically.

On 3/25/2024 at 4:39 AM, MissCanuck said:

Yes, but I would like hear OP's own thoughts rather than our speculations. 

To answer your speculations. It's because there was a connection in the past. She invited me into her life more that my coworker. She asked a lot about myself as my past relationships, what I like to do, we have the same interests, let me into her space to help with crossword puzzles, gave me high fives, etc. So of course I got involved helping her with her emotional feelings. She trusted me. So, I guess I got to involved and now things have changed. Yes, I need to move on. Unfortunately, dating for me is hard even though I am putting myself out there. I guess I felt lonely and got trapped into something I cant have. 

On 3/22/2024 at 8:46 AM, boltnrun said:

Are you doing anything to meet other women? Solely focusing on this woman doesn't seem to be productive. I get that you really like her but there are other women you could meet who you'd really like too. 

Yes I trying to meet other women. I am on dating sites and go to match events. Joined other events, but nothing is happening. It is hard for me to meet woman.  My last real relationship was 5 years ago and dates in between that never went anywhere. 

On 3/25/2024 at 3:49 AM, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I was wondering the same thing. 

Why do you believe she was interested in you romantically, OP? 

She is no longer in a relationship. At the time, she was asking me questions about myself, when my last relationship was, what I like to do, asking me to help here with a crossword puzzle, the way she would keep interested in looking into my eyes (a connection), laughing at my jokes, asking me for soup that I made the night before, etc. Now that is not the same as much anymore. 

On 3/22/2024 at 6:05 PM, boltnrun said:

Wasn't she in a relationship when you met? I'm not sure why you think she was into you when she was committed to someone else.

You can wait around hoping something happens with her. Or you can truly decide to see who else might be out there. Not comparing to her, but giving a different woman a chance to know you. 

She is no longer in a relationship anymore. 

On 3/15/2024 at 8:39 PM, boltnrun said:

Was she crying over her ex and the relationship ending?

Yes, she was crying over her ex and the relationship ending.

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems she's interested in dating again so why not just ask her out? Did you tell her what apps you're on? 

I have of asking her out, but I was told to wait and to not be the rebound guy. I did tell her what dating apps I am on. I want to wait as instructed, but it may be too late when I ask here to go axe throwing with my friends. She seemed interested in going.  

7 hours ago, Andrina said:

So too much of your emotional energy and time is being put into action plans of involving this woman in your life and gauging when the magical moments for these things to happen.

The majority of women have great intuition, can read others behavioral cues really well, and therefore she knows perfectly well you have a crush on her. So if she had a crush as well, she's ask you out instead of going on a dating site.

Practice makes perfect. I'm referring to the suggestion that you now run a reel through your brain that is a mantra: She's just another co-worker. No longer make mental, future plans of gatherings you will ask her to attend. No longer look forward to talking to her more than you do other co-workers. Do not make special trips to locate her at work for chats, and cut chats short if they go on longer than you would chat with any other co-worker.

Have faith that fate, your guardian angel, or whatever, has better in store for you. I, too, had a crush on a co-worker years ago and wanted him so badly. I later became friend with another woman who'd secretly dated him at that time who said he drank way too much. Their relationship ended in a bitter way, and he was actually flirting with me at the time they were dating, so it was clear he wasn't good boyfriend material. I was clueless to all of that at the time. So it's clear we can sometimes pray for something and can be disappointed it didn't work out, when all along that was for the best. 

It's time for you to put your time and energy into seeking other dating prospects, which won't happen when you're keeping your thoughts tethered to an unavailable co-worker. Leave friendship out of the cards as well, as any new dating prospect will sense your crush on the co-worker, and you don't want to be placed in a position of answering that question if asked. Including her as a new group member to your friendship group--not a good idea.

As i said in another post. Its hard to move on when I know i had her interested when we first met up until a month ago. I don't have anyone to take my mind off her. I must of said something or did something creepy with her for things to change. I would still like to get myself out of the friendzone. I am looking for other woman, but I dont find myself attracting woman. My last relationship was 2 years ago. 

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Are you doing anything to meet other women? Solely focusing on this woman doesn't seem to be productive. I get that you really like her but there are other women you could meet who you'd really like too. 

I dont have any other woman to focus my attention on currently. I have tried dating sites and dating sites but they don't work for me. I go to things I like and I dont see any woman that I am attracted to. I guess I feel lonely and I had Diana at work with a strong connection and felt she was into me. I must have said something or made myself feel creepy around her and things arent the same. I just feel that I screwed  up with my  chance with Diana. So  I have a hard time moving on to somebody else. 

On 3/16/2024 at 3:09 PM, boltnrun said:

So she still has strong feelings for her ex and definitely is not in any place to be considering dating.

I'm really glad you didn't send her that painfully obvious fawning message. 

So, she just mentioned she is going on dating sites and asked me which ones I use. I have been told to wait a month or two to ask her to meet my friends for an axe throwing event she sounds interested in doing. She feels she needs to fill the void with someone and its hard to hear that as I would like to be with her, but need to back off you can never force someone to be with you.

On 3/15/2024 at 8:39 PM, boltnrun said:

Was she crying over her ex and the relationship ending?

Boltrun:  Yes she was crying due to loosing her relationship. It was a 3 year relationship. I feel I entered the wrong zone and listened to her about her problems.  I read that a girl who likes you will hide her problems. Well, I also heard she trust me to to tell me and cry in front of me as I helped her out. But I feel as though I lost her.  She used to ask questions about me, ask about my military commitment, laugh a lot before the breakup, etc. I must have done or said something for her to back away. She mentioned she is going on dating sites now. Its hard to hear as I think we get a long great (well we did). I would like to ask her to meet up with my friends, but have been told to wait.  Its hard because I feel I will loose out on another guy and when I do ask her, it could be used as an excuse.  I have backed off on her as well as not to push her. I guess I am looking for validation that we are only friends.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Well maybe she made a mistake and her boss was harshly critical, or she had an altercation with a co-worker...  could be several reasons.

And she called OP for comfort, he's her white knight after all, her savior.  And from his posts I gather he enjoys this role and her leaning on him as well.

OP your mistake however is believing that all your white knighting will result in her feeling "attracted to" you in the way you want her to be.  It won't, it rarely does anyway unless there are other dynamics at play, like she has always been attracted to you, which from I read she isn't. 

Your distancing yourself might though, which I would venture to guess you won't do.

That's fine, you'll learn that lesson when this all comes crashing down eventually, which is actually okay, it's how many of us have learned. 

All the best. 

 

Your correct, this has been a great learning tool for me. I have started to back off and not go down to chat, but only to relieve her for lunch. She actually came to me the other day while I was upstairs to chat. I go to Florida next week for a week and this will help me as well. I will not reach out to her while I am in Florida and she can talk with her white knight.

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree. I did cry at work once or twice when going through a breakup -alone in my office but extremely uncomfortable. 

Yes, I understand your answer. I guess she has trust in me to show her emotions. 

17 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Was she crying over her ex and the relationship ending?

Yes, she was crying about her ex and the relationship ending.

21 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Armyguy368 as a woman who has been the recipient of that type of over-the-top validating and pedestalizing, I implore you NOT to send that, either on social media OR in a private message.  

I know your intentions are good, but it's borderline, if not all the way, cringey and WILL have the opposite effect.  As @Kwothe28said it WAY too much.

I am curious what your motive is for sending it?  Do you think your validating and pedestalizing her like this will endear you to her? Attract her?  Bring her closer?  

I urge you to learn what truly attracts women, and trust me it's NOT that.  We don't want the guy who has us on pins and needs all the time either, but as @Kwothe28 said you will NOT attract her with that type of message or pedestalizing behavior.

Again I speak from experience.  And I liked the guy too!  At first.  Until he started in with all that over the top validating/pedestalizing bs. TBH it didn't even sound real.  I am sure you mean what you say, but to HER, it may come across of disingenuous, because again it's too OVER THE TOP.

I apologize for yelling (all caps) but please PLEASE, if you truly want this girl, lean BACK.

Or words to that effect.  Give her SPACE.  Ideally, let her come to you. 

 

Thats what I did to an effect of those words. I am also stepping back and trying to be out of site more and only see her when I replace her for lunch at the front desk. Thats when she tells me more about her issue and Im not going to be an *** and walk away. Today she started to cry when talking.

21 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Armyguy368 as a woman who has been the recipient of that type of over-the-top validating and pedestalizing, I implore you NOT to send that, either on social media OR in a private message.  

I know your intentions are good, but it's borderline, if not all the way, cringey and WILL have the opposite effect.  As @Kwothe28said it WAY too much.

I am curious what your motive is for sending it?  Do you think your validating and pedestalizing her like this will endear you to her? Attract her?  Bring her closer?  

I urge you to learn what truly attracts women, and trust me it's NOT that.  We don't want the guy who has us on pins and needs all the time either, but as @Kwothe28 said you will NOT attract her with that type of message or pedestalizing behavior.

Again I speak from experience.  And I liked the guy too!  At first.  Until he started in with all that over the top validating/pedestalizing bs. TBH it didn't even sound real.  I am sure you mean what you say, but to HER, it may come across of disingenuous, because again it's too OVER THE TOP.

I apologize for yelling (all caps) but please PLEASE, if you truly want this girl, lean BACK.

Or words to that effect.  Give her SPACE.  Ideally, let her come to you. 

 

Thanks for your reply. I did not send it to her and just say I hope she is doing well with her transition and left at that. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since she did confide in you personally and you work together, why not just lie low and maybe have coffee or lunch together. As friends. Don't pounce on her for a date, even though you've been waiting in the wings.

Stash the letter away forever. It's overwhelming, inappropriate and too much too soon. Please be patient and sense the situation out for a while. 

Unfortunately, I cant have lunch with her at work because I cover her for her lunch. She is the one to ask the guy at work Andrew for lunch. I would like to ask her for lunch or coffee again, since I asked before when she had a boyfriend and I crossed the line. But as you said an others to give her time to heal. But others also said grab my balls and be a man and show confidence to ask her out as well. What is your opinion on this?

Also I overthing everything and Andrew may just be a guy she likes to have lunch with and their may be no relationship brewing, which is what my mind tells me at first.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Please dont send this. It does sounds really, well how do I put it nicely, “too much”. 
I am not against you saying that to any woman. But it’s way too patronizing. So much so that I immediately know without knowing anything else about the case, that you are in a friend-zone. You putted her on a pedestal, you think she is all that etc. Which is again, fine. But you wont attract her with that kind of a behavior. Simple: “I am sorry to hear that, hope you bounce back” is more than enough. And not on social media, where everybody can see this. Nobody writes stuff like this on social media. And the one that do, well, they get put on a blast. For a good reason. She wont feel comfortable with you writing that and others who see would probably make fun of you. I know you maybe think this is appropriate response to her post, but trust me, you dont want to do that.

Ok. I understand. Just to let you know, it is a message to her and not on social media for everyone to see. I would never do that because its in appropriate.

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did she tell you in person or personally message you about her breakup? 

Yes she did. I was the one she confided in me about her situation and even showed me the woman her ex-boyfriend was seeing. 

2 hours ago, Coily said:

I wouldn't put this on an open social media post. It reeks of desperation.

I edited what you said to a "brevity is the soul of wit" simplicity.

Otherwise it's just about your obsession with her. Let the women in her social media do the whole girl power "you're beautiful" routine. You can't be focused on that shallow vapid stuff, if you want to catch her attention just notice her. Not the looks, not all the other worthless fluff you stated.

Give her space to mourn the end of the relationship. Listen when needed, but don't become an orbiter.

You'll get, I'm sure, the madding crowd discouraging you in this; but it's your decision. I just don't want you tripping over yourself and then lamenting how you got friend zoned. Be circumspect in your interactions right now.

Thanks for the advise. Oh by the way, it would not be on her social media page a private message to her.

So, you may know my situation (or not), that I helped a woman at work (yes, I know and hear you that I should not get involved with a co-worker, well it happened). I helped her get through her issue with her boyfriend and being there helped her out. Well, the long-distance relationship ended, which I knew was not going to work out. So, she posted on social media that she is starting her new life. So, I wanted to reply with the following message:

I know you will get through your latest ordeal. I wanted to take a moment to remind you something that may be easy to forget during rough times and I have stated to you recently. You are stronger than you think and a person with a kind and gentle heart. Your personality shines bright, and your internal and external beauty are remarkable. Your young at heart internally and externally as well as how you take care of yourself by the way you present yourself as well by staying fit. I believe in your ability to overcome any challenges that come your way. Im here to listen. As I have said to you, you have to remind yourself that you are number one! Stay strong and take one step at a time. 

This I think puts it out there about how I feel about her as well. I will ask her out in about a month, if I feel that its right. I have been told by many people to give her space and let her heal.  To know be the rebound guy if she does accept my invitation to go out. If she says no, then I know that its not meant to be and she is not attractive to me. Time to move on, right. 

19 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Maybe these just aren't YOUR women.

If you're there to 'comfort' them.  That's not what they're looking for then. ( meaning, what YOU want & what they're looking for is different).

Are you maybe missing the 'signs'?  Eg. IF she is truly interested, you'll know it.  Meaning she WILL reach out, just like you do.  Is not all one sided, etc.

Also, you will drain yourself if you just go from one woman to the next to whomever will give you some attention 😕 , then yes, it's going to drag you down.

Have you been in a long-term relationship over the yrs or married?

 

SoSadd: Its been a long time that I have been in a relationship. I find that I am not attractive for woman as I am bald as well, which effects my self-esteeem. I am learning to push away from her as its her choice what she wants to do. I have been in a long-term relationship years ago and have never been married.