EitherDare0

3 hours ago, waffle said:

Yes!  This isn't about overthinking, overthinking is a completely different animal.  You (OP) are making the mistake many make, which is conducting yourself as if you're in a relationship as a means to get into that relationship. 

Save the relationship stuff until you're actually IN the relationship.  Same with the "I can't wait patiently til Wednesday."  You're just pressuring her and driving her away.

Fair enough. But I said I CAN wait patiently until Wednesday. As in, I am excited we have those plans and I will see her then. So I apologize as I clearly type otherwise above 😞

Fortunately, I did not say "Can't wait" to her....

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She told her friends and family about this "suggestion" and they told her to run.

Especially all the bull about no intention to sleep together and "nice gesture to help her out".

Way too much way to soon.  You tried to land her on date 3. You know it and she knows it.

That's ok. But all the insincere horsechips you wrapped it up in came across as just another creep trying to get laid.

 

That's BS. Maybe she thought that, fine, but I was not trying to "land" her, You are pretty jaded if you think all men just want to hookup suggesting that's what I was trying to do. 

Perhaps she felt that is what I was trying to do, fine. But I know for a fact I wasn't. I actually want to have a meaningful relationship. She is 29 years old, it's not like I am a college frat bro and she's a young 22 year old innocent college girl that I asked to come Netflix and Chill.

9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

How did this even come up?

My sense is that your conversations with her are a bit intense, if you were even asking her if you talked to much ot begin with. That already seems a little needy, so just remember not to lead with that.

Let it be for now. She might have cooled off and it might be unrelated to you but other things she has going on. See what the next couple days bring and contact her closer to Wednesday to confirm. If she backs out without offering to reschedule, then I would leave everything here and move along. 

She said "I suck at texting with a frowny face" and I said "No you're fine, I usually do as well, I often forget to respond to texts I read, but so far I think I've done well responding to you. In fact maybe I have inundated you haha" and she said "You're not inundating me, so no worries there!"

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh so you have a plan for next Wednesday? Sorry I missed that.  Then let it be and reach out tuesday or wednesday to confirm.  Watch the feet -what she does -not what she says.  Do not contact her until Tuesday afternoon the earliest and then only briefly to confirm time and place to meet Wednesday.

Yeah we do have plans. 
 

Based on how things went I definitely do not see lack of interest. Rather, maybe just overdid it a little. The first date being 6hrs but she was easily complicit in that. The second being 8hrs was also easily her as well. She welcomed the timeframe. 
I am a little worried she took the invite to spend the night the wrong way. But she has reacted normally and interested several times after it. 
 

So other than maybe over texting her a little, common sense should tell me I don’t have all too much to be concerned about yet unless she is feeling she overdid it too so soon (wasn’t like I begged her into it)

Thing is I really have no practical reason to think anything is wrong so far. 
 

She was very sweet and messaged me on Thanksgiving. She hasn’t ghosted me or said anything that seems uninterested. She hasn’t cxld any plans. And she’s said before she’s not a big texter. 
 

I have no real reason to think anything is wrong. It’s possible she’s lost interest or I came on too strong of course. But it’s also plausible she just doesn’t feel like texting a lot. Or had a rough few days. 
 

I just plan to give it some space and see if she reaches out soon. Also, see if she keeps the plans for Wednesday. 
 

My mind jumps to these conclusions without any real reason. 

And I know it. I had a painful breakup about 6mos ago. It took a long time to get over and get back out there. I went through the motions and finally, a few weeks ago connected online with a girl who I really liked. At first we started texting a lot. She was very engaged as was I. We agreed to meet up. We went out for brunch, and hit it off so well we spent 6hrs together. We progressed to holding hands, kissing, and cuddling. It was like we knew each other. 
 

We would text here and there for a week, and we went out again this past Tuesday. I took her hiking. We went on a beautiful hike. We had the best time. At the top, overlooking a picturesque view, I surprised her with a small bottle of wine and cheese. She couldn’t stop smiling and blushing. We kissed more and cuddled. Had another great time. 
 

When I was taking her home, she talked about making desert together soon. I said we could do it at my place since I have a good kitchen for it, and she agreed. I offered her to stay the night, as the next day she had to go back to school and I live much closer to her school. I sort of feel like maybe she was unsure about it. So I then clarified I had no intention of trying to sleep with her, I just meant it as a nice gesture to help her out and admitted I’d enjoy cuddling and watching a movie. She seemed fine with that explanation. I didn’t wont press on that. 
 

Our texts seem normal for a day or two after. She texted me on Thanksgiving and seemed engaged and all at first. But sort of tailed off there at the end. I let it go for the night. Yesterday I sent her a few texts and the responses sort of felt compulsory. Like she didn’t want to be rude, and answered. I asked her if she wanted to get food on a whim and she said “I wish I could but I have plans with friends”. To which I said “ah it’s ok, I knew it was a long shot so last minute. I can’t patiently wait til Wednesday 😄”. No response to that. Which seems a little uncharacteristic of how we were talking before. 
 

I know nothing glaringly concerning happened, and maybe I am overthinking. In fact I likely am, but she just seemed to become a little less engaged out of nowhere. So I am giving her a little space. That was yesterday afternoon and I haven’t said anything else to her. I really like her a lot and I really want to pursue this, but I don’t want to scare her off with my insecurity/overthinking. I also don’t want to come across too needy. She told me prior that she didn’t think I was over talking or anything. And she promised to tell me if I did. I think I’m just excited at the prospect of how much we clicked and wanting to see her, but I don’t want to scare her off 

thoughts?
 

Well, it's been almost 4.5 months since the breakup.

I am finally living in AZ, completely free of Indiana and that old part of my life. Essentially gone of all the old things/items that her and I shared.

Although the pain isn't nearly what it was, I must admit, I still feel like I lost my best-friend.

I constantly try to remind myself several things, like: She isn't the one, she would have invested the time or energy. She has several problems, and a few things that I just did not like. She probably does miss me a lot, probably even regrets it to an extent, but actions speak louder than words and she hasn't done anything to even apologize let alone fix it. 

Still, for some strange reason, I feel like she was the one. I know it sounds dumb, but its just this feeling I continually get. I know what most are thinking, "IF she was the one she would be around. She chose not to be" I want to fully embrace that, but for whatever reason it just doesn't feel right. Some would probably call tha denial etc. Friends always say, "You will find the one" and "There's plenty of girls out there who will treat you better."

It just seems like she took a piece of me permanently. I've gone on a few dates, but it's clear that it is going to be tough to find anyone who matches the chemistry my partner and I used to have. A few nice ladies, but so far no spark.

Most will say "Well you are not over her, you need to continue to work on yourself." To that I do and have been. I am probably in the best fitness of my entire life. I am active and social and do things. I do not contact my ex, not even a glance at instagram or anything. 

Maybe, just maybe, we lose the person we are meant to be with. Maybe sometimes there is no real recovery from substantial enough heartbreak. I still lack near the confidence I used to have. Like scorned person who feels never good enough. Not who I used to be.... I miss human touch, emotion, a connection to someone romantically. Holding hands, kissing, passionate love making, late night phone conversations, adventures with my best-friend.

For some reason the one that I want all that with, who I miss all that with, I can't have. 

Thank you all for your responses. I have gone full No Contact mode since this post almost a week ago. Granted it's only been a few days, but... so far. The day after I posted the update 7/26, she had texted me. Some small tidbit complaining about her job, looking for sympathy. I ignored it... then later blocked her, on everything.

Huge problem I am having is the dreams. I have more dreams about her now than I was earlier on. Maybe the shock is wearing off. It's terrible. It's not once in a while, it is EVERY night. Sometimes it's like we are together. Other times it's some conjured up betrayal scenario. Other times it's just random incoherent inclusion. 

So frustrating. I constantly wake up depressive from it. I wake up and will literally super focus my brain to think of something, anything else. Doesn't matter, as soon as I go back to sleep it she comes flooding right back in.

I workout, hard, daily. I keep busy. I talk about it here and there to friends, and obviously use this site to help me get it off my chest. Does not matter, it's a constant struggle to stop thinking about her, both during sleep AND awake. I know some have recommended therapy. Other than medication idk what else they can do for me. I can talk about her and it all until I'm blue in the face, doesn't change how often I am reminded of her and how often I dream of her. 

44 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 Do you realize how weak you are for letting her swing you around her little finger? You need to take control. She will not take you back, even if she does why would you even want somebody like that back? She will make your life Hell, heck, she is making it right now. And that wont stop until you cut her through. What we all are consequences of our own choices. So you have only self to blame here. So either stay miserable or do whats needed to be done in the first place and move on with your life.

Yes, I know exactly how weak it is... I am pretty sure I've stated clearly that I am pretty weak in all this and I hate the power she has over me. 

I get what you're saying, but it's not quite that easy for me. 

I think (hope) I am wavering in the Depression, Acceptance stage. 

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So I guess the short answer to my question is "no".  You aren't willing to stop contact and you're not willing to do the one thing that would help you move forward, which is to end any and all communication.

At some point you have to realize the reason you continue to feel awful is your own choice to keep yourself tied to someone who doesn't want the same things you want and who doesn't want to be with you in a relationship.  She is not doing this to you; you are by basically refusing to move forward.

I presume eventually you'll decide "OK, enough is enough!" and put an end to this.  You're not there yet, apparently.

Apparently not. I know what I should do, but I apparently do not have the mental fortitude to do so. I would imagine like any hurt person, part of me lives in this fairy tale world, where she is contacting me out of missing me, and will soon realize how much she wants to have me around. But, rationally that's not going to happen. I have no choice to move on or suffer longer from it. I wish I had the drive to do so, but sadly I do not feel I do yet.... which makes me feel even more like a piece of crap.

It's funny, bc you read other peoples posts on this site, so many times it's easy to say what they should do. Until.... it's your own that you are dealing with lol. Interesting study in psychology I suppose. 

22 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You are keeping yourself stuck every time you respond. 

It's has nothing to do with maturity. Maturity would be recognizing that this person wiped her feet on you and deserves no place in your life. Maturity would be recognizing that she brings you pain, and continued contact of any kind is not working for you. It's flawed thinking to tell oursleves it's "mature" to respond to an ex. It is not. 

You're not quite ready to let her go, so you keep answering. This is normal when we are heartbroken. But at some point, we have to be our own best friends instead of our own worst enemies, and realize we are prolonging our own misery by not shutting down contact of all types: social media, random chit chat, whatever. You are not in a place where any of that is working. It doesn't matter if you're not talking about the relaitonship. The very fact that you're talking to her is preventing you from really moving on. 

Maybe someday, when you have both moved on a long time from now, you could be friendly. Now is not that time. 

I think all this is a fair statement. I suppose I struggle with the reality of it truly being over. So completely over. A lot of it probably stems from how swiftly and suddenly it ended. I wish I could say I sensed it, like I felt we were growing apart, or she was acting differently or distant, but honestly I did not get that. 

Also doesn't help that I still have not been able to full let go of our things. Our place we had before I moved to AZ. I still have it for a few more weeks, and I need to get back there and finish getting rid of things. Our things, some of her things. I guess right now I sort of live with it out of sight out of mind, but the painful truth is I still must go back to Our apartment we shared, and finish closing that chapter of our lives. Which holds a lot of pictures, her items, etc. Fun!

44 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Will you consider asking her to stop contacting you, then blocking her and unfollowing/unfriending her from ALL possible social media platforms?

You are still in communication, which tells your psyche you are still in the relationship.  But your logical brain knows you are not.  This dichotomy is causing you distress. "Barely in contact" is still in contact.  You cannot move forward as long as you keep yourself chained to the past.

You hold the key to your freedom.  Do you want to use it?

Well we are not friends on any social media at all. Beginning of the month I let me emotions and hurt get the best of me and sent her a scathing message out of frustration and pain. Nothing psychotic, but the sort of response you might find from a wounded soul hurt and confused. Which got me blocked on everything. Which I actually was fine with. BUT, a week ago out of the blue she texted me to apologized for blocking me, to let me know she unblocked me on Instagram. To which I have NOT followed her on. I also took her down off all my Instagram photos.

The only real contact we've had lately is some important things like discussing the separation of things. I.E she was on my health benefits so she needs to get her own. She took care of the car insurance so I have to get my own. 

She did then reach out to ask how my move and new job was going. So we exchanged a few texts there. 

Yesterday, she attempted to vent to me about some issues she is having with her roommate. I am sure it's part because she feels comfortable talking to me about it/our background, and the other part is likely she wanted me to be the moron/friend type she can complain to about her drama, with no benefits of a relationship. Because I am sure whatever man she keeps company with doesn't know much to weigh in, or she doesn't want to burden them with that... I did not really help must. I bluntly responded once my opinion in a very "Don't cry to me about it" tone, and that was it.

I struggle with the decision on that. Part of me wants to be a mature adult and respond to some extent. Other part of me thinks I am a full who she is trying to use, and I should tell her to leave me be permanently. I guess so far I have been reasonably disciplined. No pining for her or anything relationship talk. But I still do not seem to posess the balls to block her entirely. Maybe the finality of it all is too hard for me to bear, idk.... 

1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

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The dreams are really rough, OP. They can mess with you for whole days at a time... I'm sorry you are going through that. This relationship clearly left an impression on you. Now, it is over and you are dealing with immense loss. The dreams are one way that loss manifests. 

Of course, this hurts because someone you love has been lost: she has chosen to leave you. This feeling of loss is unavoidable, and it is the type of loss that heals "in time." When people die, their loved ones grieve. Break-up loss is similar. Either way, it takes some time but healing from this type of loss will happen.

There are reasons that people hold onto lost relationships in ways that significantly delay the healing. A few I can think of off of the top of my head are that (1) you still see a possible future with them, i.e., this does not seem like the end of your "story" (most times the break-up is the end of the story), (2) you feel like they were your "best" and it is difficult to see finding a good relationship again (this is usually false), (3) you do not understand the reasons why the relationship ended, or (4) you feel guilty for having made a mistake or misstep in the relationship, which contributed to its end.

 

Yeah the dreams are brutal. At times we are together still in them. At time it makes up nonsense infidelity situations. I will wake up, realize the dream, try to distract myself. Get up to get a drink and reset. Heck, sometimes I will refuse to go back to sleep, being less rested is better than more dream suffering. 

1- I would hold the see a future pretty low, probably less than 10% I suppose there is potential. She said that stuff to me back right after she broke up with me. To an extent I see why she meant it, as we have been long-distance for 6months, and in the future I suppose it's possible we could be together again. I would say very unlikely though.

2- Some truth I assume. Never felt in-love with anyone like this. I know rationally looking back, their are some serious issues with her as well. I suppose there are better women for me. However, she ticked so many boxes in what I want, I fear I won't find someone who ticks so many. Mostly she was my best-friend. I used to be hers to. But obviously she accepted she had to hurt me and change that for her own personal reasons.

3- I do not entirely understand. I was given some reasons, and I suppose I should take them for truth. I guess it is just more painful because the reasons given, that is not AT ALL how she acted prior to the break up. So it's clear to me she isn't being honest, or more likely she is now, but she was not the last month even weeks leading up to the breakup.

4- I mean I can reflect and I know there are some things I could have done better. But weirdly I do not feel like I made some major mistakes. I was who I am. 

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What do you think, OP? Did she tell you the reasons? Or, can you infer reasons (ones that are better than that she has some sort of pathology)? If the reasons happen to be those within your control, then perhaps you can fix them (if that is something you want to do). That helps to find closure - and, if you want reconciliation, this would be a crucial step.  

Moving forward, are you open to reconciliation? Is that what you want? Or, are you totally against the idea?

 

What I feel is the most prudent, is that distance killed things. We lived together 2 years. and we were so happy in almost every way imaginable, except her career. She was not happy with her career, and I had to take the gamble to agree to let her pursue it, knowing this could happen. After living together for 2 years, we were long-distance for 6months, 1,000 miles away. Only seeing each-other 2-3 days a month tops. Honestly, that hurts the romance, passion, sex life, etc. I know I got lonely, I am sure she did too. She is young, wanted to hike/adventure/explore Colorado. I am sure in a way she felt held back by it all. She also wants a family/kids in the not too distant future. It would be 6more months minimum until we could possible have been together again. So most likely over time I feel like we lost the luster a little. The romance and passion. I wanted to pursue it more, but it takes two to make it work. 

Am I open to reconcile? That's the million dollar question. My rational side says no, my heart says yes, with some adjustments. I know for sure we could not reconcile until down the road, in much better situations in life mentally and physical. I think it is highly unlikely to happen. A small part of me would like to. A lot of me I think misses what we were and what I thought she was. Although at least in the present, thinking of being with her again, I would have to totally rebuild trust, and it took me well over a year the first time to trust her in the beginning. 

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Do not do this. Talk to your friends and family. Thinking "I do not want to burden them" is a mental fiction. Most people understand that others go through hard times. And people like being there for their friends and family, generally speaking.

If there are no friends in whom you feel comfortable confiding, then see a therapist. Several universities in the U.S. have free counseling, even for members of the general public. If therapy otherwise would be too expensive, then you can check out one of those programs. 

Of course, if all else fails, you are welcome to post/vent here. 

 

I do talk to friends about it, but I feel like there is not much else to say. My one friend just had a baby, and I think he has more important things going on. My other friend talks with me about it, but honestly I am not sure what else there is to say. He says all the normal right things you would say to someone in my position. 

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Hey, silver lining is you are getting matches on dating apps! I am not bad-looking by any means (I have no issue with women in person), but I almost never get a match/response on those apps/sites. So, you are doing something right. 

That said, slow down. You are not ready to date yet, as you are not over your ex. There is no rush: there will still be compatible matches for you when you have healed and moved on. 

 

Yeah, I get a decent number of matches, but I am clearly not mentally ready. I would like to pursuit friendships with these ladies at least, but I am struggling the follow through with that even. Sucks because I feel painfully lonely, and the more alone I am the more I ruminate and think terrible things. BUT, when presented the option to change that, more or less I do not do it. It's like I am stuck in some awful limbo. It's terrible because she controls me to an extent even without doing anything. 

Not really sure what else to do. She had blocked me on Instagram before, and then recently texted me to apologize for blocking me and wanted to let me know she unblocked me….

I did NOT add her though, did not give her the vindication she wants. 
 

Nothing seems to be getting better though. I feel painfully depressed and alone. I attempted to get back onto dating sites, but I can quickly tell that I am not mentally with it. Had a few ladies want to meet up, but I am showing zero follow through. All I seem to do is crave to be back with my ex. I try to block It out, but I cannot stop the thoughts, especially when alone. The WORST part of it is the dreams. I cannot stop dreaming of her. It’s terrible. How the hell can I cope with that? I workout daily. I don’t really have anyone here to help me. And I am mentally too screwed up to meet anyone knew. It’s like even though not in really any contact or anything, my EX still inadvertently has power over me. 
 

People say to work on myself. But how else do I do that? Being alone, no motivation to meet anyone new. Working hard and working out hard. I feel like a burden so I rarely bring it up much to friends. I suffer mostly in silence. But everyone jsut tells me things like “I dodged a bullet” or “her loss”. But nobody seems to understand she’s all I want. All I painfully want but can’t have. Sadly I know it Bc even IF she wanted me back she likely wouldn’t tell me. And even IF she did, I know we cannot be together. Sure as heck right now in our lives. Likely not ever.  
 

Everyone seems to say the right things. The “If it’s meant to be” stuff. The things those who care about you say. Nobody ever thinks fighting for a relationship is the right then. To fight for what I want. And I suppose it’s right. 
 

but nothing seems to be getting better. Distance, new place, barely any contact at all…. And yet I don’t feel like I’m improving. If anything it feels worse. Especially when the dreams take its toll and but me in a depressed move from the jump. 
 

HEARTBREAK SUCKS. 

15 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

My most recent ex says I am a narcissist, too.

It is interesting how many rush to ascribe various pathologies to ex-partners. In many cases, all the partner did was end the relationship. Surely, that does not warrant a diagnosis. 

The story is much simpler than the one you are telling yourself. First, you were into one another and you started a relationship. You enjoyed each other's company for a while, maybe even fell in love. Then, for reasons you know or reasons you do not, she lost interest and fell out of love. She processed that for some time, then she decided to end the relationship in the way least painful for her. Now, she is seeing other people to help her deal with her grief or loss. Or, she is just enjoying her single life since she no longer owes any duty of faithfulness to you. Or, both.

This loss has caused you immense pain and suffering. You deserve compassion because you are suffering so much. I do sincerely hope your suffering does not last long. And I do not envy your situation. I have been there before and it sucks.

That said, you will gain nothing - minus momentary comfort - from casting blame and ascribing pathologies to your former loved one. You impede your healing when you cast blame, diagnose, and vilify your ex. And if you are anything like me, you will feel awful in the long-run knowing that you did not handle the situation in the right way. 

I think there are several things you should not be doing at this time, which you have done:

• You unloaded blame and vitriol onto her for all of the hurt you are experiencing.
• You have acted like she is in the wrong for sleeping with others while she is single. (It is difficult to see - no question - but she owes you no duty of faithfulness at this point). 
• You have said she has various psychological disorders like narcissistic personality disorder and bipolar disorder. You do this instead of acknowledging that she is a flawed human that simply fell out of love and ended your relationship. 

None of this is healthy. In fact, it is immature. It will only impede your healing and burn bridges. I realize you are in pain and this may sting to read but you should alter your behaviors and your perspective moving forward.

In my opinion, moving forward, you should:

• Save face. Apologize for your recent vitriolic outburst. Say you are struggling with healing but what you said and did was not fair. You wanted to let her know. 
• Politely explain that you will still need to block her on everything in order to heal and move on, but if applicable, you are open to reconciliation if she changes her mind and here is how she can reach you. 
• Work on yourself physically. Go to the gym every day. Run (or do cardio) often. Buy a new wardrobe. Get a new haircut that makes you feel like a million bucks. 
• Work on yourself mentally / socially. Post on ENA. Find out or infer why she fell out of love with you and fix those items (maybe it was the way you were acting - maybe it was something else). Find a new social hobby or activity. Meet new people. 

--

This is tough love advice, but remember, I am posting for your benefit. I hope this helps. 

There is soo much more to it all. I would need a book to write everything. Her mom is a diagnosed narcissist for one. For two, she cuts off people who love her out of nowhere, all. the time. First husband, man she was engaged to before me, me, my mother/family, her own aunt and uncle, friends. I am sure you are thinking that she is just mentally strong and stands here ground. But honestly, MAYBE two of those above deserved it, maybe.

This isn't because she ended it. It is precisely how she ended it and how she acted after. If she wants to get around with ppl after me, that is her prerogative. I think it's immature, beneath her (especially bc of what she supposedly preaches), but she is single so she can do whatever. To me, it seems like she is spiraling wildy out of control. She did this same sort of thing before her and I met, after she broke off her engagement. This was way back when we were friends. Back when I turned her down and didn't accept her initial advances as I too had just gotten out of a longterm relationship. She even warned me early on about how she easily develops some cold distant feeling out of nowhere for no reason, and she needs to run. She pre-predicted this. She also has said before that she sometimes fears she is a low-level sociopath. This is HER own words. 

She has a track record of wanting what she cannot have or what is hard to attain. Once she gets it, especially once she knows she has the admiration, she eventually gets bored and cuts that person off, doing it again to another victim. 

This isn't some cheap shot at her bc I am mad. I have listened to numerous experts talk about narcissistic personality disorder. I actually didn't want to believe it for awhile, if anything I wanted to be delusional and say "No! Not her, not my lovely GF". But when I step back from the admiration and love, and truly listen, she fits EVERY SINGLE marker of someone with this.

21 minutes ago, J-J said:

Celebrate, and rejoice, you didn't marry and ended up like 50% of marriages - divorced.

If you married, you'd owed spousal support, alimony, palimony, years of lost wages, time and energy, maybe even child support and she would have taken the house, liquidated your 401k, IRA, pension, etc.

You are much, much better off, so celebrate that fact.

In 2017, approximately 787,251 divorces were granted in America, which means that around one and a half million people got divorced that year.

The actual percentage of marriages that end in divorce in the US varies between 40% to 50%, with an average shelf life before dissolution of marriage, about 8 years.

Dude, celebrate its over.

Life happens.

I would love to get to that point. I am trying. Constantly reminding myself what I thought she was before was an illusion. It's so clear to me she is a narcissist and potentially even Bipolar. It's actually scary listening to trained professionals talk about it because she hits every marker.

I am sure in time I will thank my lucky stars I got out before I did. But I guess because I am more of an empathetic person, and truly love her deeply, it's hard for me to see what she is or is becoming, of course helpless in the process, and now heart broken. Questioning if any of it was real, if it was a lie or act. Trying hard NOT to overthink things, especially the past. 

37 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

She is not without a care in the world if she's sobbing about pushing away all the people who love her. It helps writing all this out, I'm sure. Even the angry parts.

What I learned eventually is that the other person may be going through their own personal hell. You should keep trying hard to redirect all that pain and sadness and motivate yourself to do well and live well. Even if it is so difficult it doesn't quite happen some days, keep trying. Eventually one day you will be moving on steadily.

At least enough of a care as she continually does this. She even knows it, but yet won't seek help and continues to do it. All that happens is people like me try their best to help, and get steamrolled in the process. 

She is going thru her own personal hell, but I am more empathetic, so I cannot fathom being so terrible to everyone else in the process. But bc I am that way, I also still this woman like a dummy. What self worth must I lack, to be this way?! lol

Update to say, nothing has changed.

I still feel terrible about it all. After a little bit of time, ruminating over her, obsessing at her instagram, or her snapchat, or facebook photos like a wounded soul may do, I finally did what I needed to do. Which is that I laid it all out there, all the hurt I dished up to her. Everything she's done to me, expressed. Then I blocked her, on everything, zero communication.

Still now I am questioning everything. If this person was ever real this whole time. If she has just changed. Why is she spiraling out of control? (Yes I know that shouldn't be my problem, but I love this woman even though I shouldn't anymore) There is nothing  I could do to help her, so I will not even try.

I know she's out and about, on Tinder and all that... I just know it because I know how she is. Nobody needs to tell me.

Her roommate (who also got the hateful axe), she messaged me a long text about it all. Essentially telling me that my EX, when she told her that she broke up with me, she broke down sobbing. Cried, saying "Why do I push away all the people that love me?!"  It's like she is some possessed person that now and then realizes what she's doing, but she gets sucked back in. That hurt to hear...

In venting to me, the roommate accidentally disclosed in a slip up that my ex has had many different men around since breaking up with me. She quickly tried to backtrack that, but the word was out. My fears were already confirmed.

I am being a broken, sad, alone wimp, who lost all his confidence, a huge piece to attracting new mates. She is out soaking up all the attention she can without a care in the world. And yet, mentally I cannot let go of this person,

On 6/21/2021 at 4:42 PM, Pleasedonot5 said:

Sorry you are going through this, OP. You are dealing with a lot at the moment. Heartbreak is not easy. 

The self-improvement and working out is a productive step toward moving on. Keep it up.

Break-ups are generally not easy for anyone, and people respond to loss in different ways.

You have listed several adverse possibilities - but they are only possibilities. There are infinite possibilities. You do not / will not know how she is doing currently and you cannot predict your own future.

I lol'd at "biotch." Anyway. 🙂 

It is not foolish to miss a recently gone ex-girlfriend, especially if you were deeply invested in the relationship. Do not be frustrated that you are not ready for a new relationship or other type of interaction, no matter how cute the person showing interest is. You are only three weeks out from tremendous loss and still fixated on that loss.

Yes, the pain of losing someone dear to us is probably one of the worst pains we will ever face. Most/all of us posting on this thread have gone through a tremendous loss like this in our own lives. For instance, I remember my first love, call her L. When L broke up with me, I was a wreck. That loss is what first brought me to this forum. I was fixated on the relationship I just lost and the idea of her, probably for about a month on-end of just incessant, unescapable ruminations, all day every day. It was figuring out what went wrong and coming to terms with it (including my own mistakes), fixing those things, self-improvement (like working out and being more social) that eventually got me over that loss. L and I eventually reconciled, but it was after I felt better, and I know now that I was not even fully confident in getting back together at that point. After some time, I ended up breaking up with L.

I emerged from that darkness and gloom (and others, since) as a wiser and more resilient person. Others have, too. You'll get there too, in time. Keep up what you have been doing. It gets easier in time if you do the right things, I promise. 

The thing of it is, she seems completely content with her decision. You would think she was planning this escape for months, but if so she wasn't showing it. I saw some warning signs, but for the most part things seemed good. She was very talkative, attention seeking, lovey dovey etc. One would think such a swift breakup like that, she would at least have second thoughts or doubts. With how swiftly and mercilessly she dumped me, you would think I cheated on her or abused her or something, very far from the case. Of course she didn't cut me off totally, she still texts me a little bit, but our conversations are very short and definitely not at all like they used to be. As juvenile as this sounds, I didn't even get breakup sex. I got a long embracing hug, then dumped the next day.

I cannot decide if she is witholding her true feelings toward me for some reason (no way she just fell out of love in a day) or if she is really just at peace with the decision. It does not matter, and I am sure there is zero reason to even question why, but that's how the mind works. 

On 6/21/2021 at 4:47 AM, MissCanuck said:

You won't be ready to date anyone else for good, long while yet. 

And that's okay. You are going to need plenty of time to process, and heal. 3 weeks out is still the beginning, so be patient with yourself. It hurts. It hurts a lot. You will okay days, and you will have bad days. The key is to trust the process of recovery and trust that time will help you emotionally untangle from all of it. 

I feel for you, OP. I was betrayed in a long-term relationship, many years ago now. It's disorienting and leaves you with so many questions. But the strength you will realize you have, in moving past it all? There are few greater feelings. Once you're past the worst of it, you will be amazed at how resilient you are and how far you have come. 

I think the worst part is there is no closure really. No real explanation, she half attempted to explain, but seems she does not even know. Not to mention, I get dumped via text. Doesn't have the nerve to do it in person or at least call me. 2.5 years and that's how I get dumped, a text.

I really wish I could at least have some closure of why or what happened. Looking back on things, she was not at all portraying that she wanted to separate. With the things he was saying, and snapchats etc, in the weeks up to, even a week prior. I just do not buy she fell out of love with me. It makes me think there is more to it, but if there is apparently she is resigned to not talk about it.

On 6/21/2021 at 2:32 AM, Tinydance said:

I totally understand it really hurts but where I think you're going wrong is that you still keep talking to her. I think you really need to block her on everything and not speak anymore. You're really hurting so why continue torturing yourself and looking at her social media and all this? What if she starts tagging se guy on social media, do you really need to see those kinds of things?

Personally I wouldn't be falling for her bs lines like: "Who knows what the future will bring, maybe we'll be together again." It sounds like she's just throwing you breadcrumbs and maybe keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out with other guys. 

I think you should just cut her off and don't give her another chance again. She snooze, she lose! Lol

I do not disagree with you. I am two weeks away from moving to Arizona, with friends there, leaving this old life behind. It will certainly be easier when I am not alone 24/7, and sitting in "Our" apartment we got together and lived in for over a year.

The maybe we will be together stuff, yeah I do not take much stock in that. I figure either she says that bc she feels bad and guilty, or she thinks I will stay on the hook. I do not plan on that. 

What will probably happen, is I will move, be around other people, and not talk to her. She will likely at some point realized she F'd up. I hope she does, I hope she chews on that mistake for the rest of her life lol.

How exactly do I heal from this? It’s been about 3 weeks know since I saw her last and when she broke things off with me. I cannot even figure out what stage of grief I am in. 
 

I am not sleeping well, I am not myself. I do not have much joy. I am not outgoing or confident like I generally am. I constantly find myself reminiscing on good times. Memories, and questioning how and why this happened. The only good in all of this is I have been working out a ton and trying to self improve. 
 

 But I feel hopeless. I don’t think I’ll find another woman who ticks the boxes for me like this one did. So much good and potential, so swiftly cut down without much warning. All I do is think of her. Fight the urge to talk to her. Constantly reminding myself that there’s nothing I can do. No grand gesture. No winning her back. I know how she is, I am sure there is a few guys already lined up at her door. And she cannot be alone so I know she’s talking to someone. 
 

the smart, rational person would think I deserve better. To forget this biotch. But, my heart is still invested. I foolishly miss her and want to help her, even though she deserves nothing from me. 
 

true heart-break is probably the worst thing ever. I feel so alone. Obviously none of this is helping me improve. I even have a very cute girl highly interested in me, but I feel like a wounded, maimed baby deer. Broken and defeated and not at all interested in anyone else. 
 

F this. 

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex emailed me to break up, saying he didn't want to have a girlfriend. He had already moved my replacement into his house. The two of them had been cheating together for a few months.

I was doing all sorts of unhealthy behaviors after the breakup, so I finally decided to move several hundred miles away. It worked. I don't know that is the right solution for everyone but it was for me.

We'd been together for 4 years. I thought I loved him. But I do not love him now. I want nothing to do with him. So time and distance worked.

That’s one silver lining is I’m not currently living with her anyhow. Does suck because I’m still in our apartment though. She has clothes there. Her grandmothers wedding ring that she had wanted me to propose with (back before she decided she doesn’t love me anymore obviously). All our pictures all over the wall etc. Definitely not fun, can’t wait to get out of there. 
 

I’m sure in time it will pass. Didn’t think I’d lose the love for my last gf but I did over time. 
 

I suppose in a way the added insult, although more difficult at first with betrayal, might make it easier to let go eventually once you completely convince yourself they obviously had a lack of care or respect for you. I personally wasn’t technically cheated on, but it doesn’t feel too far off 

7 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

 

I am sorry she was unnecessarily specific: that must have really stung. So, you know who it is. It does not sound like they are in the same vicinity. Additionally, it seems like you do not need to interact with this person regularly, so there is the silver lining. Consider blocking him on all of the socials while you heal from this. 

I reckon most of us have had an ex jump from us to someone else. You will recover. Regarding your "toxic mind," I am not sure if I know what you mean. But, I assure you that it is normal to feel pain, to fixate, and to ruminate at this time. Try not to "stress about the stress," as that will only cause more suffering. Your current state of mind is just information: your body/mind is not enjoying this loss. 

I don’t even really remember the guy. I am sure I met him but definitely don’t know him. I won’t have to cross paths. I won’t be near any of them fortunately. I did notice they aren’t Facebook friends anymore. I am not going to bother asking, but I assume she felt guilty and blocked him. I am pleased if she did. I’m not naive enough to think she will run back into my arms. She may even be talking to someone else. But if she broke contact with that guy it alleviates the sting some. 
 

I developed it around 2010-2012. So many failed attempts at dating. So many being one of many guys. I fall hard. So I’ve had a lot of issues with girls who just aren’t as serious about me as I was them. But mentally I am screwed up from all the games and toxic bs. 
 

thought for awhile there it was gone, but then my 5 year relationship took a turn when I found my GF sending nudes to others on dating sites. So that reopened a gaping wound of untrusting. Of toxic thoughts like others romantically involved with my girl. 
 

I was in love with this girl too. So naturally when I think of what she told me, how she likes this other guy, my mind goes to overthinking toxicity. Like it convinces me he probably flew to visit. Or they are hooking up. When in all reality it’s probably just is or was casual snap chats or texts. And again it seems like they aren’t FB friends already, which means knowing my EX she probably blocked him out of guilt. But who knows. 
 

rationally I shouldn’t think about any of that. I try to distract or tell myself that’s silly. But toxic overthinking isn’t just so simple as “just don’t do it!” 

On 6/12/2021 at 9:25 AM, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP.

Welcome to ENA. Sorry you are going through the pain of heartbreak. 

It is often easier to describe our exes as evil, blameworthy, or unstable, but it is not always a fair interpretation of events. You will not see it this way now, but the about the main thing she did "wrong" was break up with you. As far as you know, there was no actual infidelity. Further, without a medical diagnosis, it is not fair to speculate and call her a narcissist. 

The more appropriate "story" from what I gather is: you two were doing okay. Then, she moved 1,000 miles away, which put a strain on the relationship. Because her needs were not being met (probably by virtue of the distance), she became interested in someone new she saw. Her attraction to Mr. Groomsman, plus the short spat at the wedding, gave her the push she needed to break up with you. She is now dealing with the loss of "security" that your relationship represented; hence she is still in contact with you while she tries to enjoy single life.

You are allowed to feel heartbroken, to grieve, and to be angry. Personally, I empathize most with your anger about that she is telling you about other guys while you are heartbroken. Everyone deals with loss in a different way, but that is pretty ***ty. I suggest politely limiting or ending contact with her. Failing to limit or cut contact will only cause you needless suffering.

The thing of it is, she admits that she didn’t try enough, and she didn’t confront the issues with our relationship sooner or try and work them out. She’s “sorry” for that, but apparently not sorry enough that she would even entertain the idea now. Not far off from the “it’s not you it’s me” schtick. 
 

I asked if there was someone else. She told me no before, but It didn’t seem right. So when I asked again, she was honest. Too honest. She didn’t need to tell me all that. Worst case she should have jsut said “I did meet a guy I liked, didn’t want to or expect to” and left it there. Painful enough, but instead she had to literally say essentially who it was. And that she added him on Facebook a week later after she dumped me and she gave him her number. I can’t even take that stuff. So painful. Not sure I’ll ever recover from that. I have a toxic mind and now I have to relive all of it.