decibelx

I guess it depends on what you're looking for. If it's a serious relationship, older women in general would be more mature and able to handle that. Then again each individual is different. A woman in her early 30's could be mature for her age and looking for the exact same thing as you. Alternatively you could just date someone within your age range; 2 years up or down. 

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Just wondering, what sorts of white lies did your friend tell and did she tell them often? I'm just trying to understand more about the situation. I'm not defending her but sometimes people do tell white lies and they might do it for a reason. For example, my best friend's husband doesn't like one of her friends. So whenever her friend invited them to an event, my best friend would go but she would lie that her husband isn't well, was double booked, is working, whatever. It was a lie but obviously she couldn't just say: "My husband didn't come because he doesn't like you".

I think most people tell white lies occasionally but it's the context and reasoning that matters and why they do it. I understand that it's frustrating when someone tells white lies too much or if the lies are bad and easy to spot lol There are also people who are compulsive liars and that's definitely off putting. My Dad is a compulsive liar and just lies for no good reason and it's like, why lol

The thing is though is that people usually don't respond well to being criticised or verbally attacked. If you want to confront someone it's always best to do it in a polite way and preferably use "I" statements. Actually I didn't know this about the "I" statements but once I Googled how to confront someone and that was the advice I got. So for example saying: "I really enjoy hanging out with you but I feel like maybe you only see me out of convenience". "I feel like you don't want to tell me the truth sometimes". Not "you did this, you did that". Most people feel accused at statements like this and don't react well. You actually said once you got angry and told her to leave you alone. So obviously she got angry too.

I'm not sure how bad the white lies are but sometimes if you really want to keep a friendship you might need to turn a blind eye to some things.

You don't HAVE to put up with it though. We all have our own feelings and boundaries so that's your choice what yours are. I'm only saying this because you seem so upset and cried and you seem to really care about this friendship. I think most people have down sides or annoying things about them. So in that sense the perfect friend doesn't really exist. I think it's a matter of figuring out what we can and can't put up with. If you can't put up with the white lies, don't feel bad. That's your threshold and it's OK to have standards.

 

You were spot on with this. She's a compulsive liar and the lies were always transparent. It would be anything really; making up things that were going on in her life, claiming she was busy when she wasn't, always being on the phone but ignoring my messages for hours/days and claiming she never saw them. I always had a gut feeling but as I mentioned, I was lonely so I clung on to her for companionship. I've done some introspection over the last 24 hours and I think I cried because I'm mourning the loss of a friendship I idealised and its just hit me that none of it was real. 

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems like you are overinvolved and overinvested and want more than friendship.

You seem controlling and somewhat overbearing chronically "calling her out", when she doesn't have to report to you.

Take a deep breath, stop drinking too much and take better care of yourself.

 

Hi Wiseman, I remember you from before.

This is not the same person as I previously mentioned. I had romantic feelings for that person but things did not work out in the end. This is a friend I made I guess you can say quite recently, in 2021, and our relationship is purely platonic. I called her out not to be overbearing but because I was disappointed. I'm big on honesty and she was lying to me over little things. But you're right, the drinking escalated things. 

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm sorry you're struggling, OP. 

Why don't you have any local friends? 

It has been hard to make them. I moved to the country I'm in about 2 years ago, right when Covid happened, for university. Everything went online and we didn't really have much chances for engagement- lectures were pre-recorded and tutorials went on Zoom. Also I'm a mature age student who has gone back after about a decade away so majority of the population is significantly younger. I don't know how or where to even start making them. Any suggestions? Would love to have at least 1 or 2 close friends I can rely on.

30 minutes ago, greendots said:

I'll be blunt. Why would you want to be friends with someone who apparently consistently lies to you? Also, her blocking / unblocking you whenever you have a disagreement is childish. Adults talk, communicate.

Join meetup groups, volunteer, etc and find better friends.

 

You're right. I think it's just that I don't know how to process the sudden feeling of loss. In my loneliness, I grew attached to her and so I was clinging on despite all the red flags. It's going to be dreadful being lonely again. I only text family members who are in a different country.

I've known a friend for over a year now. It was long distance before but now that she's in the same country, we would call to chat often and hang out as well. Something felt off about it to me though; like she was just using me to pass her time when she was bored and didn't have other things planned. I noticed she would tell petty white lies too but I never brought it up.

Everything continued as per usual until last week when I called her out on her lies to me, specifically. We got into an argument and our relationship became unstable. She blocked me but I later apologised on another platform for the way I went about it, and we became civil again, except we didn't feel as close now. She never took accountability for her lying either. 

Last night, after a couple of drinks, in a moment of anger I told her to leave me alone after catching her in another lie (she left my messages unread for days despite always being on her phone and pretended that she didn't see them). I didn't actually mean it but I was heated. She then blocks me again on our regular messaging app. A couple of hours later she messages me on the other social media app and says there's no point in us being friends anymore and that she wishes me the best. I then find out that I've been blocked on there too. 

It's upsetting to me because she's one of my only close friends and now the reality of losing her is kicking in. I actually cried about it and I don't cry about much. Do you think there's a chance we can save this friendship after a cooling off period or if it's even worth it?

It happens. Sometimes people's feelings are fickle. Maybe she was digging you at first but something changed for her and that's fine. Don't dwell on it too much and pick yourself up so you move on to find your person.

Use this time you have to work on yourself. Get healthier, get fitter, work on your hobbies. I mean if not for your own betterment, at least you'd have some new content to update your dating apps with. 

You were vulnerable after a break up, open to rebound sex and he just saw his in. This guy doesn't sound all that trustworthy from what you're describing to us. I wouldn't put too much faith in anything he says.

I'm sorry that happened to you. People really can be scummy bastards. But imo, it's best to be open and honest. This is something that happened to you and in no way a fault of your own. I'm hoping she will be understanding but if not, give her some space to sort out her feelings about it. In the mean time, I agree with Wiseman. Speak to a professional as they would be better suited to help you with this. 

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For me I found if I wanted marriage and family I had to be proactive and not trust in "fate" in a passive way.  I never dated online but used online sites to meet people.  Huge difference and made all the difference in my being able to meet quality people over the years. I had to do it alone, OP, much of the time.  But I didn't feel alone and I was motivated to give it my very best shot despite no guarantees.  Good luck!

I agree. Figured that people are never going to come to you but instead you have to go to them if you're really set on making new friends. I'll try to look for some online activity groups as well, as there'll probably be less pressure to it than online dating. I was going to reach out to some course mates but most of them are 16-21 so we'd probably not have much in common 😕

On 8/24/2021 at 11:01 PM, LoveConquersAll said:

Hey there. I don't entirely relate to your situation as I find talking to and / or meeting new people easy (and fun!) but I've never dated online or off and as a recently single (yet happy!) 46 year-old, I have a very good inkling that things might change for the better for me :).

I don't go looking, but my instincts tell me that the new life I am about to embark upon (new job, new country - super excited about this new adventure!!) will be full of unexpected, serendipitous encounters, just as the universe has it planned for me. The universe has had my back for the last 46 years, I trust I'll be given more meaningful surprises still.

In a nutshell: decibelx, you need to chill :). Things will work work the way they are meant to.

Yeah, you're right. I think I'm just so depressed and tunnel visioned out at the moment that I can't envision a future where things will change or where I'm happy. I just have to try and pull myself together for the next couple of months and focus on my studies first and foremost, and then everything else. Wish I wasn't doing it alone though.

15 hours ago, LaHermes said:

 

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Yes, Covid has made everything difficult including socializing IRL.  But things are improving and there is no reason why you should not make friends in this foreign country where you are all "alone".  Why ever not?  

 

The issue is that we're back in lockdown here in Australia and things aren't looking very good at the moment. If we were back on campus, I would go join activity groups 100%. But it's 800+ new cases a day now, so going out and meeting people isn't going to be an option. I wouldn't even know where to start making friends online either. 

I'm not into the whole dating app thing (tried it, multiple times-- never worked out). I'm turning 30 this year and am in my 2nd year of uni. I decided to go back to pursue another bachelors degree but because of covid, things have been incredibly different. Most of everything is online these days and there's barely any interaction with others in my day to day life. As per my last post, I met someone on Zoom but that fizzled out after some time. Long distance is incredibly hard after all. That situation still hurts, but I'm trying to move forward. However, I'm all alone in a foreign country with no opportunity to make new friends, what more date. The last two years have been so lonely and I'm not sure how to navigate life at the moment.