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sarameldrin

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  1. I'm attending uni rn. But living at home. And yes it's not my business. But you see, I can't use that excuse to ignore what I'm feeling and what is happening in my house. It's not easy. I'm sorry to say this but it's not a black and white thing like as long as I don't need to see a physician, I'm fine...... I thank you for replying and reminding me I have more important stuff but I already know that, thanks to the upcoming exam. And I'm not a kid that is barging in on someone else's matter. I'm just tired of the environment I was forced to grow up in even though I know there's no solution to this. I'm just tired that some people think it's okay to create a broken family and assume it's not going to affect anyone emotionally. Like I can just move on and be an emotionless regular at a psychotherapy clinic. I admit this got a bit rude. But I'm not in the best mood. I hope you understand.
  2. And it's not the first time. He was never once faithful to her. That's how me and my sister have grown up. Watching a broken family act as though we are alright and happy. My mum says she's fine with it as long as we are grown up and keeps reassuring that it doesn't affect her now, but I can tell it does. She just doesn't want to bring in the matter of divorce due to various reasons. But I'm tired of pretending. I feel like this is going to be my whole life. A home that has no real emotions to express. We can't even say it to him that we know since he becomes more careful and just hides it better. I feel like I'm carrying this huge burden on my shoulders. I can't even tell any of my friends, cause guess what? I haven't made any friendships close or strong or long enough to share such thoughts. I don't have friends who would care if I did share. They'd probably just throw some pity and move on. I have an exam in two days. And I can't even focus that well. I must be crazy, right?
  3. Say, a video call once in every few months and texting once in 2 weeks, maybe or less. With some effort. Of course it varies from person to person. Absolutely. I mean, we all expected locusts and what not as an apocalypse but no one saw a virus coming. I have joined a group since two years, and I participate in some of the online activities now and then, but they can only do so much. But yes, your advice is very valuable and thoughtful. Thank you.
  4. I agree so much with you on this. I go to social media looking for communication and come out drained of energy. So I am trying to limit that now as much as possible. As for spiritual nourishment, I feel a bit lost tbh. I do think that trying to refocus on my long term goals might help. Trying to gather my thoughts in one place and starting from there. BTW I'm so glad to know that you found something you enjoy so much. I'm still trying stuff out...things I've always wanted to do (not with much success) but I acknowledge that nothing happens in a day. Hope I have the courage to persist.
  5. That sounds quite interesting. I'll surely try that out.
  6. Yep, I'd definitely agree with you. On a normal day. But we are still having our lockdown here. Meaning we can't get out of our houses. That sounds like an excuse, but it also means things are yet to get back to normal around here. How do I explain this? I'm not expecting a babysitter, rather a meagre connection with the outside world. Also, I am currently participating in online courses as much as I can, alongside college classes. But there's a component of overpowering sadness that takes control everyday. I know it sounds lame, but that's the only way I can express it. And no, I don't have the expectation that suddenly talking to a friend is gonna undo all that. The point is to have a positive social interaction once in a while.
  7. So this is feels a bit dumb tbh, but I just wanna rant somewhere. I've not made long lasting friendships in school and that seemed ok because I was a stay-alone kind of kid. In college, I made pretty good friends though, we are like-minded and I admire them for who they are. However, these two years, since quarantine, it's just affected our friendships the same way it did the rest of our lives. I tried to bridge the gap through texting or video calling. But I feel like I would sometimes love to see someone ping me up first, or at least, reply or agree to a video call when I approach them first. It's hard to stay positive all the time, but I'm trying to. However, it's come to the point where I don't wanna talk to anyone anymore, but I dread it all the same. As if something horrible would happen if I am alone. I'm addicted to my phone, even YouTube videos, just to hear someone talk. Sometimes there is also the mild paranoia that my friends don't really wanna contact me anymore. My family helps a lot, but I can't explain. It's just not the same sphere of life. I love them, and I hate that I'm asking for anything more. So I don't bring it up to them. I'm confused.
  8. To ThatwasThen, It's true that I find it hard to let go of the matter. Mostly because I spend eighty percent of my day in college due to the class hours and even after that, it's not really out of my mind. In fact, I realised I ended up wanting these people to act like I wanted but that's not how these things work at all. I'm sure they have their reasons to do what they are doing. And I think it's time I let go of the idea that i can control how someone acts, solely because I value that person. And of course you're right, I haven't been paying any attention to my studies whatsoever. And it's pulling me down. Ill get right back to it. Thank you for your time and your valuable advice. You made me see a lot of sense.
  9. To Lambert, You're right. I dont want any misunderstandings, so i think I'll just take it slow and lowkey from here.
  10. To Lambert, Sure, i will keep that in mind. In fact, I try doing that nowadays.
  11. To Thatwasthen, The problem is we see each other regularly, we have the same group of friends, except the new ones he made. It's just so hard for me(i dont want to sound pathetic and exuding self-pity) . Even though it's been months, I just can't seem to put off this matter. Mostly because it just further convinces me of how incapable I am at having genuine friends. I can't even play the blame game here and put it all on him, because he has maintained being polite and says that real friendship is helping a person when they need you. I agree with that, but does that mean isolating the person is also a form of friendship? He is such a good person. And I just dont know what I did wrong.
  12. Okk. Understood. Thanks so much for your guidance. ๐Ÿ˜Š I'm just confused about one more thing. I decided to stop voluntarily talking to him and interact only if he has something to say. Is that the correct attitude?
  13. I am currently not talking to either of them. I just wanted to make friends and it ended up into this huge soup. But yeah, thanks for the advice
  14. Thing is, the "said crush" he had disappeeared in a few weeks after that. But I get your point. That's what I'll be up to then. Also, sorry for the wall up there๐Ÿ˜…. I just poured out what I felt.
  15. Okay, So its a long story. I am in my second year of college and a lot has happened since I entered college. As a context, I must inform you that there were some pretty traumatizing incidents that happened in school, as a result of which I kind of ended up being isolated from my friends, being unable to trust them anymore. But, I was quite determined to start afresh and make friends in college. So, first year of college. In the first few months, I make great friends since I am naturally outgoing. Amongst them, happens to be a guy, say X, who I have a mild crush on. But I was determined to keep a friends-only attitude, as I wanted to focus on my career. Until everything started becoming A MESS. A few years ago, my elder sister got married. Up until then, she was my confidante. She still is, but being a doctor and a wife doesn't allow her much time, and I understand. Next, last March, my mother who happens to my 'comeback-confidante', after sis got married, had to go abroad for work. That's when it all started going down. I was afraid to be alone. To have no-one to talk to. So I befriended a bunch of guy friends, who seemed open and genuine, albeit with pretty weird interests and quite bad language, unadhering to my taste. But I decided to adapt to them, and hang out with them after class. It was fun. While it lasted. Amongst them was a guy, say Y, with whom I used to chat regularly via text. He didnt open up much, but he still talked. And I liked talking. Meanwhile, I am also chatting with X via text. X is open, very chatty, fun. Y is sarcastic, a bit distant. And before it appears as though I was weighing out my options, I must say I was still genuinely focussed on my career. Then one day, Y said he liked a girl in our class. I poked. And yeah, Curiosity killed the Cat. It turned out to be me. We talked. Flirted. Made jokes. He made more of them. I became vulnerable. Became sensitive to his sarcasm. Felt as though he didn't respect me. He acted immature on several occasions. Seemed caring sometimes. Then he criticised my points of view. Thats okay, upto a certain limit. His interests didnt match mine. I acted distant. We fought. He abused mostly. Because as I mentioned before, bad language. And everything I said got twisted. Then one day, I thought better of it and stopped everything. That should have been good. Except my overthinking flared up. In the following months, I became a depressed mess, unable to act maturely. I felt so bad that I even told Y but he ended up blocking me because exams were near. I messed up all my exams. Including the first year final exam. And here, all my friends were doing good. Made me sad that I could not keep my word. All this while though, X supported me. Noone knew about this 'escapade' that we had, except X. I told him, because he asked. It looked like he cared. As a friend. Even he told me later that he liked a girl from our class, who was very shy and quiet, but sweet. Y used to be jealous of my friendship with X, so I told him about this crush of his. Even though X had asked me not to tell anybody. In my defence, I was just proving my point that X and I were just friends. After I decided to end things with Y, I shared my thoughts with X, told him whenever I would feel bad. It felt so good to have someone who would listen and actually have nothing but good wishes for me. For almost two months this happened. People even used to tease us that we were together and stuff. We just laughed it off. Sometime in between, I let Y know that I was giving up. He had unblocked me some time earlier but acted weird and sarcastic. Communication ensued and he wanted to get back together. Then college fest came. He asked me to be thee with him on the last day of fest. I lied to my family, told them I would not stay late. But did. I regret it to this day and will regret it forever. It wasnt worth it. He wasnt worth it. Otherwise it was fun. My friends and I danced until 2.30 am. I even held Y's hand in there. X was also there. However, something came over me from all the adrenaline, and one of my friends and I started acting all drunk and stuff. I dont even know what happened. Our friends helped us get back to the hostel. Y helped me walk. I even said embarrassing things to him. I dont know what had happened. I hadnt drunk even a little bit. X left before with a bunch of other girls, including his crush, and few guys. Apparently as I heard from a friend later, his crush was embarrassed by us and wanted to leave. SO he left with her. That made me feel bad. What if I had actually been drunk" The following days, X trid to say that I had been drunk. Y seemes sweeter. I got alienated and angry at X for him leaving. But I accepted it was natural since he liked the girl. However after that, he started talking less and less and less and less with me. Texting reduced to a minimum. He started talking to his crush's group of friends(which consists mostly of girls), and less with his own friends. I get it. Maybe he wants to try to impress her. But he talks more with people he didnt talk to than he talks with me. For example he didnt like Y and his friends. Now he talks more with him than with me. Yes, I do feel bad that I lost a friend, and I pointed it out several times to him, but he just acted as though nothing had changed. But where I used to sit beside him in classes, a common girl friend of his and his crush's sits now. Where we used to chat daily for hours on end, my inbox stays silent, except Y's messages. And I am not the type of person who just wants to talk romance and all that all the time. Problem is, Y never really became my friend, even though he says he wants to. Most of our talks are about romance and stuff, fighting the rest of the time and maybe 10% friendship. An X and I used to talk about studies which was very important, conversations in which Y totally does not participate(and trust me I have tried), which puts me off. Also, I tried investing so much into this, that I almost lost contact with my own friends, because I stayed preoccupied with it. In fact it took me a while to realise how distant X and I had become. I do want to be friends with X, but I guess he has other, more important priorities now. I would try to be friends with his new friends, but his crush's girlfriend seems irritated with me behind him for some reason. She is only laughing with me, in front of everybody (since after the fest). Earlier, X would ping me when we woke up and when I would go home and when we went to sleep. He would scold me for not taking care of myself. Whenever X, Y, me and other friends would stand and chat earlier, X would stand right in between Y and me (after he got to know, of course). Like a barrier, which irritated me, but I find it funny. He was like an overprotective brother. In fact, his birthday was on the second-last day of fest and I put up this status late, mainly because I fell asleep. I captioned it 'Thank you for becoming a brother from a friend'. I think that is the last time that I actually had him as a friend. I do not want to work with the 'relationship' I have with Y, mostly because I think I deserve better, and he just doesnt understand me. I honestly want to focus on my studies right now. But this matter with X has been troubling me for the last five months. Not only I have made a bad decision in a relationship, I also lost a dear friend. I did not tell him about my crush on him in order to save the friendship since I treasured, but it ended up this way anyhow. It just feels like I am not really made out for genuine friendship. What should I do? Should I try again to make him realise or should I give up? Please HELP!!!!
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