WandererBoy

10 hours ago, shouldhavelearned said:

You stated all the reasons you didn't think it would work

 

Yes, you miss her. Take some time to work on yourself and think of what you're looking for.

 

Get out and about in time and you will find someone 

This resonates with me. I intend to find myself, so to speak, and to become a better person, so that I can be the best version of me the next time around. It's just hard right now. My friends say that I live too quickly, that I am impatient when it comes to long processes, and that is also true - I would like the pain to just go away instantly, but that is not how it works.

12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

My heart goes out to you, WB. Sounds like a natural part of grieving. I would not go back or you'll just compound the problem by needing to go through the breakup all over again, and you'll be back at square one with missing her again.

Even if she were to curtail her pressures to move in and marry or buy pricey gifts or expect more of your time, you already know those pressures to be there. And they're not going to change.

Grief has stages, and we don't go through them neatly in order, they are a mish-mosh or cycles over the course of time, and they repeat until we've worked through them. Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance. In no particular order. Some stages are more prominent than others.

It isn't just the one who was on the receiving end of a breakup who grieves. You'll have your own as the initiator, and it's to be expected. You broke up for good reasons, and you remain clear about those. It's natural that your heart would still hurt, and I'm sorry.

Thank you for your kind words. This is a time of change for me in many aspects. Sometimes I think I am hurting mostly because she was a point of reference to me among it all, and I needed that kind of anchor. It would not feel right to go back if that's the case.

Hi forumgoers,

I am the same guy from this other thread, almost two months ago:

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/457065-girlfriend-loves-me-i-do-not-reciprocate/#comment-5806444

In short, I (27M) broke up with my ex girlfriend (24F) over some key issues, namely:

-I did not love her after one year of relationship and two+ years of knowing each other. The biggest reason of them all, of course, since you cannot really force feelings. I never felt the same intensity that she did.

-We had extremely different personalities. She put a lot of emphasis on things like gifts and spending money, especially for socially established events (birthdays, celebrations), while I didn't. She needed my presence often, while I needed (and still need) my personal space too.

-In addition to the last point - she believes that spending money for someone is a sign of caring. Like, the more you spend for someone, the more you like them, if it makes sense. I like making gifts, but only when I feel like it. Couldn't do it here, had to be when she wanted them.

-She wanted to go live together and get married soon. My financial situation would not allow for either of the choices, and this point was always a source of stress for me, especially since I wanted to take it more slowly. It also felt like she wanted this because it was the socially right thing to do. Never confronted her on this specifically, just my feeling.

-During our last few meetings, I told her I suspected she liked the idea of me more than she liked me, as in, I was idealised in her mind and many of our discussions stemmed from her being disappointed of me not doing what she expected me to. She agreed this might be the case

There are a few more things I will not touch (related to the bedroom), and I made a lot of mistakes with her as well, but I am mainly talking about the points that drove me away from her. She actually wanted to try again with me.

We talked (it was hard) and we parted ways. I felt fine during the first few weeks, I tried to keep myself busy, and when the thought of her came to me, I just looked back at all the reasons why it was not working/it could not work.

Well, I cannot stop thinking about it. I cannot stop thinking about her. Maybe it's normal, I don't know, but I long to see/hear her. If I focus my thoughts and go through all the reasons for the breakup again, it all makes sense, and I am sure I made the right choice. But then It just all comes to me again and I miss her.

I am stuck in a loop of missing her - reasoning with myself - missing her - reasoning with myself. The thought of her meeting someone new is killing me. We are both doing fine otherwise, I myself are going to start many new adventures in my career and my hands will be full this year. But still I miss what we had, even if at the end of the day, trying again to be with her would lead to the same problems, to the same frustrations.

Please help me here, guys. Has this ever happened to you? What do you do in these cases? I am torn between just going back to her to end the pain, and enduring in my decision to leave, to hopefully feel better in the future.

Thank you.

TL, DR: Broke up with my girlfriend a couple months ago for valid reasons/dealbreakers. Missing her terribly now and thinking of her even if it makes no sense and even if those reasons are still valid and true.

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're really over-thinking this. Sometimes we are just not into the other person that way. What's important is that we recognize when we are wasting our own and the other's time, and kindly and respectfully part ways. 

Overthinking is what I usually do, unfortunately. Even when it's not the healthy decision. What is also tearing me apart now is that we had planned holidays together in a month, and now it would feel so jarring to go through with them.

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not about catching feelings. You’re not going to fall in love with everyone even those who are Miss Right on Paper.

Love can grow. If there’s an initial spark or potential for one when you meet and you’re available for a relationship and she is too then that potential can develop into a desire to give and receive actions that are consistent with love. Most often if it’s really imbalanced then the person who loves less often is turned off by the one who loves more and this impedes desire. IMO. 

You’re not likely to be excited or intrigued about someone who continues to be available to you when it’s obvious you don’t return her affections   Typically if it’s not fireworks from the beginning it can grow if both people are on the same wavelength more or less  both are developing feelings that grow from spending time together so that when one expresses those feelings the other is like “um duh me too !!” 

 

I wish it was a more clear-cut thing, like "Sorry, I didn't catch the feelings, let's break up", and then we move on. But it can't be this easy or rational, as MissKanuck said. I already miss the little things that made us... us. She has written me these past few days, I reply respectfully but I keep strong in my initial decision. I cannot bring myself to ignore/block her. I am noticing a pattern there - she writes me, tells me she misses me, then she starts complaining that I did not do enough for the couple in some areas/regards. Which is true, but that is because I was not feeling the same level of involvement.

7 hours ago, Caffeine-intrevenous said:

You talk about love like it's a completely rational thing, but it isn't. Maybe you could fall in love with her, but it sounds like there's more of a chance that you'll resent her. If she's such an amazing person, she should be with someone who loves her instead of someone who might someday love her. It will hurt her and you'll probably feel guilty but it sounds like it needs to end.

 

Resentment has a high chance to happen in this regard. I am a very energic person when it comes to personal decisions, I am career-oriented right now, and if I felt like something/someone was dragging me down, I would instantly be annoyed at it. I am not sure if I already resent her for something, the whole situation is kind of a blur in my mind, wrapped in a weird mist.

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

This is you almost 3 years ago.  Look familiar?

We have been together for about a year now.

 

However, something kept feeling off. I could not reciprocate her feelings. During our second relationship up until now, I could never tell her I loved her, because I didn't feel like I truly did

I think it is time to start looking inward and figure out yourself before you date anyone else.  If you don't know what love is or what it feels like to be in love then you are destined to keep repeating the same thing and breaking someone else's heart along the way. 

 Some people have a lower level of emotions, some people are not meant to be in a relationship and some people do not make it or want it to be a priority in their lives.

 You did the right thing sticking to your choice so she could heal and move on.  Please make this as easy on her as possible.  Don't try and be her friend, don't check up on her, don't linger in her life and be gracious and apologetic with everything you do.  She needs a clean break so she will give up hope you will change your mind. She cannot start healing until the breakup is real in her heart.

 Have you ever considered therapy? Maybe discussing this with someone will help you discover what you are looking for.

 Lost

Thank you! I was looking for that old discussion, for some reason I could not find it in my history. You bring back memories. In retrospect, that girl was 100% not the right one, and that is because I never fully trusted her after we broke up the first time. We also had different goals in life, something that is also true for my (not) current girlfriend. When I think back to the start of my relationship last year, I remember thinking that I really did not want to get engaged, that I had other stuff to take care about, like my job and my studies. I gave us a chance because it felt like it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, I don't regret it, but I also don't want to string her along. I have considered therapy, and I even started with a professional, but I do not have the economical means to keep it up right now.

It feels so strange you know. Ending a relationship with someone that is a good person. When I was younger, I thought you need some catastrophic event to cut it short, like cheating or being abusive. These past few years I am realising more and more that incompatibility takes many forms, and that a breakup is not always the climax of a screaming match, sometimes it's just a whisper.

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I hear you.  Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I too,  suffer when things end.  It is hell and there is suffering.  I agree, no one wins and there's no easy choice.  However,  when you step back and look at the big picture,  some relationships,  no matter who they are,  were not meant to be if there are too many clashes regarding personality,  character,  how one speaks,  writes,  treats each other,  mistreats each other and the whole lot.  You either mesh with others harmoniously and both parties possess mutual emotional intelligence or it won't work out no matter how much you wish it.  It's life. 

I am starting to think that I am not fit for relationships. Even when I try my hardest, it is usually not good enough. With this girl here now I was not the perfect boyfriend, I could have done more and I admit it. But I was supportive, caring, and even started giving her gifts, something that I don't like doing, but it mattered to her. She has a very clear idea of what a boyfriend should be, something dictated by years of seeing other people live their relationships in a certain way, and I always ahd the lingering feeling that she was not appreciating me for who I am, but rather she was constantly pitching me against that ideal model she had in her mind.

I miss her, but I also dread trying again with her, because there was frustration on my part, and I feel like this is the chance to get a clean cut.

Thank you for your comments, guys. They mean a lot. Waking up and seeing new replies/viewpoints is helping me a great deal. My family and friends are also there for me, but I value external input, and I try to be as objective as I can.

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What makes you believe you should be able to rationalize it? 

Human emotion and romantic chemsitry is much more nuanced and doesn't always come with a logical explanation. It's either there, or it's not. You're being unrealistic with yourself in expecting to come up with a rationalization. We're not attracted to everyone we meet, are we? 

If it hasn't happened by now for you (with her), it's just not going to. 

I have seen some couples where love was slow to come, but it did come in the end. My gut tells me this is not my case. I am not sure why.

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Set both yourselves free. Try not to keep stringing her along as a security blanket. It will be hard to end things but coasting along isn't serving either of you.

I was left wondering yesterday if there is any chance for me to catch feelings for her. It felt like a very egoistic thought, but I cannot rationalise why my heart is just not there.

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

you did the right thing.  in truth, she doesn't want to be with a guy that is not that into her.

She just can't see it right now. She will.  You're doing the best thing for you both, but it still hurts.

It's gonna be OK.  Don't lead her on. Stand your ground and move on solo. 

I also told her that she doesn't really want to be with someone who doesn't really want her. I tried to rationalise it with her, also because I needed to reassure myself of my choice. My first impulse is to avoid the pain, but that is just not an option.

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

You did the best thing. Stay with your decision . Now just leave her be and let her heal and you do the same . 

We even had summer vacations planned together. Going through with them would just mean more memories to deal with when we part...

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is you being overly dramatic, OP. 

I am sure you are quite capable of loving. You're just not into her. When you meet the right woman for you, you will be naturally motivated to express your love and affection. 

Yes, without any doubt. She is not the right one for you, and you are not the right one for her. It's hard when you know the other person is lovely and really hurt by your choice, but that's not a good reason to stay when you don't have the right feelings for them. 

Let her go and set yourself free. This is not going to end well if you don't. 

Yes, reading that back this morning, that was pretty dramatic of me. I was just caught in my emotions. It's not the first time I do not feel the connection with a significant other. Something like this happened to me a couple years back, when I broke up with a girl because I had other plans in my life (was looking to move abroad and she could not follow). It was a completely natural and rational decision, and I was surprised I did not hurt too much in that moment. Now it feels different, harder.

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  keep the initial stance of breaking up because it's only fair to her and you.  No sense dragging out a relationship if you're not 100% on board.  If you do,  you're just wasting everyone's time.  Stay the course and it would be healthier not to be friends afterwards.  Make a clean break.  No more contact and go your separate ways so both of you can truly move on. 

For some reason, but maybe rightly so, wasting her/my time is what I am really afraid of. I am slow to connect and I suffer greatly when things end. I know these next months will be absolute hell. But I also know that, if I waited another year or two, the months would become years of suffering. There is no win here, no easy choice.

Hi everyone.

Several months ago I posted here about my troubled relationship. My (27M) girlfriend (24F) had a mindset that was very different from mine, and some of her behaviors almost made me quit the relationship. We got better afterwards, she understood what was wrong, and we decided to give it another go.

Fast forward to these past few months. I still had some doubts, but I was not sure why. My gut was telling me something was off. I felt anxious and frustrated. We compromised on some things and conceded on others and we were making it work, so there was no reason to feel like that.

Unfortunately, as per title, some weeks ago I realised she loves me more than I do. In fact, I would not even say I am in love, and our relationship has lasted for about one year now. I was feeling anxious because I felt like I should be catching feelings. I was being pushed to go live together even if I do not really want to. Most of all, I felt immensely cowardly, because I was wasting her time and mine.

I made up my mind and we had "the talk" today. We had previously discussed the issues between us, but today was different. It was hard, truly. Seeing her cry, and crying myself, with her telling me to give it another chance. I stood my ground, but I felt so hurt and hurtful.

I don't know what to do now. Maybe I should have ended it months ago, but I did not, and now it's hard to let go. She is an amazing person, caring, beautiful, funny. But she needs some choice behavior on my part to feel valued (meeting more often, receiving gifts, including her in my friend group/plans). These are all reasonable things, but the problem is that I just... don't want to do them. I need some alone time after meeting, I do not like giving gifts on demand, my priorities are job-oriented now so my plans involve my career most of all.

If I did all that, the situation would be easily fixed, but that would mean going back to being anxious and worrying that I cannot love her. Maybe I cannot love at all. I wouldn't know what to do if that was the case.

Do I just keep on with my initial stance of breaking up, and potentially lose an amazing person that does not seem like the right fit right now? Or do I go back on it, and risk losing potentially years of my life, just to realise that there is nothing I could do from the start?

Thanks in advance.

TL; DR - Girlfriend loves me, I don't. Not sure how to handle healing/reconnecting after an open-heart discussion with her about it.

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

What is her culture? Is it being a basic Instagram B? 🤣

I like to "spoil" my girls. And is considered "gentlmenny" here for a man to pay for drinks as far as the first date goes. But in a modern dating world what she said to you is such a huge red flag. How she can act all entilted just because she is a woman and that she can order anything and that you need to pay for that or else you are not a man for her. After that sentence you should have sent her where sun dont shines and just move on with your life.

Oriental Slavic culture.

I also try to be a gentleman on the first date, maybe even the second, but after that I speak my mind about it, because it's normal here to pay for everything and I am the outlier.

I too like to spoil my girls, but as you said referring to red flags, it needs to be my decision, not a social rule, because the date then becomes stressful and I don't look forward to it, which defeats the purpose of being together. She just cannot escape the local mindset, and it's so frustrating

Thank you for your replies, guys. I took the time to read them all, and so far, the common sentiment is that it wouldn't work between us. It started to hurt now, and I would love to find a solution, but at the same time, I don't want to force a solution if there isn't a natural one. We will talk face to face in the next days and go from there. My "problem" is that I cannot compromise on something like that, and I put problem in airquotes because it really isn't a problem, more like a fact. I can compromise on many things (and I have done so), but not on this one, and her lie hurt me a lot.

Hi everyone. I'll try to be as brief as possible.

Several months ago I met this girl, let's call her N. She's very smart and has a lot of passions. We clicked instantly after meeting.

There was a problem, however - she has a deep-ingrained sense of what a man should do, also due to her culture, and one of these things was that a man needs to spoil his girl, always paying for her every time the two go out. I won't get into which culture this is, but I have been part of it long enough, and I can say with 100% certainty that it all checks out. She was not being manipulating, she really thought this was the only way.

Well, I told her we should go our separate ways, because I was not in a financial position to do that every time, and even if I was, I didn't want to be someone's caregiver. I don't like offering things and I feel embarrassed when people offer me something, so I really cannot agree to those terms.

Some days later she writes me, saying that it's okay to follow my compromise (we pay our part and sometimes I offer stuff IF I feel like it). So we start dating proper. Some months ago (and not sooner because of bigger, unavoidable reasons) we finally become a couple with an official relationship.

Yesterday we had a bit of an argument because I feel like she doesn't really listen to me too much, and we somehow end up talking about this money problem. She confessed that, every time we went out, she felt horrible because I wasn't paying for everything. When I inquired about this issue, that I thought was solved, she revealed that she lied about my compromise being a good one, hoping I would change my mind at a later date. Then she told me that, if I don't want to pay for everything, then she cares more about the relationship than I do.

I was (and still am) stunned. My financial situation has not improved since last year, she has a job and is independent, so it's not a matter of being a breadwinner. I don't want a super stressful relationship where I always think about what I will have to pay next. Even if I had money, that is MY money, and I believe I should spend it as I see fit.

Most importantly, I am hurt by her lie, which only confirmed my suspicion that she doesn't really listen to my needs. It's like she said "Yeah, yeah, keep talking, I'll get my way, then when all is said and done, you'll have to agree with me". Except I don't, I will never agree to being a money bag. But now I have the emotional involvement of a long acquaintance, which is making everything harder. Either I agree with her conditions (and I do not want to) and be miserable, or I disagree, and she's miserable. I said she's not being malicious, but thinking of it, after the lie, maybe she was. And frankly it doesn't excuse her, because harm is harm.

What should I do? My first instinct is to leave her, but I get attached to people, and she's very dear to me. On the other hand, I could never agree to terms that are negative for me. I could talk to her about it, but what good would that do? She knows the gravity of the situation, else she wouldn't have lied in the first place to get me back.

I am absolutely stumped. Please help me out here guys. Any input is appreciated.

TL, DR - Girl lies about dealbreaker to get me to stay, then tells me to suck it up when feelings have set in

Thank you for all the replies!

My thoughts were pretty much confirmed. Nothing one can do, unless she decides to escape the situation. It's painful to watch it unfold... it went from "perhaps it will get better if we meet more often", to "perhaps it will get better if he visits a lot", to finally "perhaps our relationship will be fixed if we move in together". I tried and tried, but she only has two retorts: "I will not find anyone better" for the mid-dialogue, and "let's wait and see" for when she wants to talk about something else (something to which I happily oblige as you can imagine).

Since someone asked, she is around 26 and he is around 36. The gap is there, but it's not really that relevant in my opinion, because she has accomplished more in 26 years than he has despite his so called "maturity and experience".

I suppose the only thing I can do is turn away from the situation and let her know that I am there if she wants to talk, but nothing else until she drags herself out of the swamp she sank in. I have been meaning to put this into words, but I always hesitated, knowing she isn't, of course, in the best of places mentally.

Hi everyone.

Last time I asked for advice here I got solid opinions and I have been happier for it, so here I go again.

I am male and I had a female best friend, let's call her Tay. Tay and I never had anything physical, we were always just buddies and would hang out regularly. I never had romantic interest in her and she never had romantic interest in me. I am mentioning this to paint the actual scenario, since this is not a matter of friendzoning or repressed feelings.

Some four years ago she met a guy, John, on vacation abroad. It looked like one of those usual holiday flirts, but they kept in touch, and I was frankly happy for her because she had always had rotten luck with boys.

Thing is, as it sometimes happens, the charming John met abroad and the everyday John were very different. As soon as they got in a relationship he became nothing short of an abusive monster. Constantly berating her for things she didn't do, never doing anything to improve his own life/work conditions (he has poor health solely as a consequence of his own actions), never being able to hold a job or to pursue a specific career. He is a tad older than her, not by much, they are both adults, but he is constantly patronizing her to win discussions. He would tell Tay things like "You have that opinion because you are too young and you don't know better" and stop listening to her. Note that his life experiences amounted only to questionable choices that led him into debt, into ruining his relationship with his own family, and in having a kid with a woman that left John. So I have no idea who he thinks he is.

The problem is that Tay cannot leave him. She clings to the guy she met instead of the abomination he really was. She has almsot stopped studying, she has no dreams anymore, she spends her time waiting for him at home. They do go on vacations together, but he complains all the time and blames her for his poor health. I know all of this because I saw their exchanges via message - he does not want me to meet her, because he is sure I would try to seduce her or something, never mind I never did in 10 years. Also she cannot see her homosexual friend, yes, John is that jealous.

In the course of these years I talked to her about this. Told her she should do what makes her happy. We organized holidays together, we planned to go places, to no avail, because everything had to be done without John knowing, otherwise they would argue yet again.

I don't know what drives her to stay. Her main excuse is that she is afraid she won't find another man, but I believe it would be better to be single than to be this miserable. I cannot recognize her anymore.

Her change for the worse hurt me as well during this dumpster fire of a relationship. But it's been 4 years of me essentially being her psychologist, after all this time with her saying that she should leave him without even trying. The closest she has done was planning to put the relationship on pause so she could finish some university exams without being stressed all the time. I said "planning" because she never even did that.

I am writing this mostly because I am done. I cannot bring myself to care anymore. She quite literally chose to be a walking shell of her former self and I have honestly never seen someone hurt him/herself so much without a real reason. This is basically the short version of the whole story, so if you guys have any opinion or experience on the matter, feel free to comment. I guess I am just looking for closure because I really cared about our relationship. She used to be so happy and carefree and now she will not reply if he is around because he gets angry if he sees another man's name on her phone. The only violence he hasn't yet used is the physical one, but at this point I am almost sure she would excuse that too.

What do you think? How would you handle something like that?