Cypher34

My first post on this site. I'm a 34 year old guy with a horrible past with relationships but I just want to say before I begin to vent that I appreciate this post OP. Good call. And to my ex I wish to say the following: It's been about 18 months or more we haven't been together though I suspect probably more as I can see in hindsight you'd left me long before I knew it was over. You came at me with an absolutely brutal number of complaints that I had never knew were an issue until the the day you broke it off. You became so cold and I just didn't know what to do. You said the meanest things to me and degraded me until I felt about three feet tall. I tried to play it cool and still somehow thought we were okay. We could get through it maybe and I could be better. I think you were already talking to someone else. Had my suspicions when I saw you left your Facebook logged in one morning and I saw a message to another guy "I like your face.". You used to say that to me. I wouldn't pry any further so I logged it out but now I see what was up. There's always another pole on the carousel to jump on and I accept it. "A woman's never yours. It's just your turn.". These are the words I have had to come to live by now after one heartbreak too many. Made the mistake of contacting you recently after a year of no contact. I am very happy to hear you are doing well and quite happy with the wonderful man you have in your life who treats you well. I mean this. I really want you to be happy. As for me....well, all I can recall is pain. Come to think of it I can't recall anything before it anymore. It has consumed me. I honestly want to die but can't kill myself as I wouldn't want to cause such pain for my friends and family. This is my burden to bear. Carrying my heart around has become such a horrible task. It's just too damned heavy. My sleep is interrupted. I don't eat right. I drink copious amounts of alcohol. I perform my function at work only looking forward to go home and self-medicate to numb the pain. I am the walking dead...in this world but not of it. I want to say I wish I had never met you but the most beautiful moments of my life I spent with you. I learned in those moments to make every second last a lifetime. It was an experience I would like to feel again someday but I will try to actively avoid it. I'm petrified at thought of being hurt this way again and I will give nobody else the chance to do so. I made mistakes, yeah. I accept that. I could have addressed them but there was no time. No warning. None I could see or they weren't communicated properly. I just can't be sure....but either way I know you had options lined up and were well on your way. I'm lost. The damage toll on me is absolutely catastrophic. I'm just a ghost wondering the world of the living. Like a ghost you get to watch the world go on without you. I do this with an enormously heavy heart. Its gravity is impossible to escape from. I love you so very much and miss you every second of every day. I wish you nothing but the best this world has to offer and I hope you find everything in this man I was lacking to provide you with. I really do.