sam1256

I have some friends I made from university, we all hung out and had great time. (group of 4)

When I broke up with my bf, my grandad passed away, and couple of things happened, it was basically depressing, they helped me through a lot. They were quite supportive.

However, last couple of weeks, one of my girl friends started to exclude me for everything, the other friend we still talk to each other a lot but started lying to me (not telling me) and keep saying she had something planned, but in fact went to meet the other friend. The guy friend in the group I just decided I should not meet with him because I cannot accept some of his behaviours, lazy (sleep till 1pm), always cancel plans while he invited me, bad influence to me. 

I don't want to deal with this drama anymore, every time it just bothers me when those two are excluding me. I'd rather just break up with the other friend altogether.

I only have one very close friend who I really like, now she is married so I cannot hangout with her as much. 

I value friends with honesty consistency. I just often don't feel good when hanging out with them, I don't know if I am being too picky or I did something wrong. But after going through a breakup, I just knew one thing for certain, I do not accept anyone who does not value me into my inner circle. But I also don't want to have no friends

What do you guys think of this?

Stop telling me what I can or can't do. Talking about pushy, you guys are the most pushy. You are ruining people lives on here. I am going to stop listening to everyone telling me clingy demanding are wrong, everyone has different personal styles. Everyone is supposed to live the same way as your ideal image??? What is wrong with that??? Where is the individuality and identity??? Embracing yourself is personal strength not weakness. hiding your true self is weakness.

Coming on here for advice is the worst thing i can do. Everyone is so negative and judgemental, all you have to say is I am self absorbed pushy evil, wishful thinking all the bad things you can possibly imagine. Stop judging a stranger you do not know. 

I did not put a gun on to his head, how do i pressure him if he does not want to do it??? He can just block me or something, I won't bother him one bit. We have a great time, we laugh together and have fun, period.

10 hours ago, Jacki R. said:

Before I delve into all of these let me just say that If I come off harsh it is not my intention, Because I recognize your feelings are real and so is your pain and heartbreak, but you need some truth and reality even if it's hard to hear. Okay I will now begin. So, starting here is where you meet your first mistake. He leaves you and flat out makes it clear but you insist therefore causing him guilt or pity (you want neither of those if someone wants to date you). He then started exhibiting more signs that he was not interested which makes since because you asked him to come back into a relationship that he was done with. I'm a psychology major and I don't have my degree yet but you are exhibiting signs of Obsessive-Compulsive- Disorder, you are persistent, anxious, and have intrusive urges that reflect in your actions, this is not a diagnosis but just my observation. One of the biggest effects is experiencing trouble with relationships and letting go.

Here again you say one thing and he says another. You only think you two are compatible this shows your relationship is unfortunately one-sided.

here again, with the obsessive compulsive disorder, you have a real issue with letting go and your impulsive thoughts controlled your actions, this is not healthy. He is explaining to you that he does not want to pursue a relationship and you push and insist.

You followed him, This would sometimes be seen as a form of stalking and harassment. You are dropping everything for someone who is not willing to do the same for you. 

This is  normal. You both are broken up, meaning you are no longer together, so It is only normal that you do not do things couples do.

He expresses that you are clingy and demanding. This could be him telling you that you are too persistent and pushy. The fact that he hugged you regardless could be him telling you that this is how he expresses his guilt and pity.

You asked him to kiss you. Not good. He does it on the cheek like most friends do, you are pushing a line. you say repeatedly that you feel or see chemistry but have you considered if he feels the same? He has made it clear he doesn't.

You had to ask him repeatedly before he gave in, you are pressuring him, once again not healthy. 

You are once again pushing a line, what you guys did may have been casual and you are getting the wrong idea, and you are misinterpreting.

Yes, you asked and he told you what he believed you wanted to hear, think about this. If you were in the hospital, would he drop everything to visit and take care of you?

He had to give up? why? why did he have to feel like he was sacrificing something just to get you to quit? please think about that.

This here, I am not him, but, I do interpret this as him laughing at your jealousy. Possibly in his eyes you may have been "looking him from head to toe" because you are "checking out the competition" and that to him is embarrassing. and when you said "I don't look at other guys only you", that could be him cringing, at the fact that you are not taking the hints, when he could not be more obvious. 

Unfortunately, this is exactly what you are doing, and it's not healthy, he is expressing zero interest, you speak of times before the break up when he felt differently, that does not reflect his actions of feeling now though. Please, consider the advice you are being given it may be hard to hear but, you came here for advice and we are not going to lie to you. Move on, or stop dating for awhile, give it a break, some time for you to reevaluate the way you go about thing and handle them, and when it's over heal, and find someone who will treat you how you want to be treated by choice not by force.

First of all, I feel like I am the most evil person on the planet from what you said, pushing and pressuring someone. I admit that I like him very much and I do not want to give up.

He does not have to do what I suggest, he is a free person, he does whatever he likes to do, he can reject me. my dad pursued my mum for a long time, my mum was not interested, but they ended up together ever since. So my dad pressured my mum into marrying in him??? What is wrong with pursuing someone? I did nothing wrong but good to him, treat him well, cared for him when he is sick. 

From now on, I am going to tell him that I won't ask him out again, but he is free to do so if he wants to. 

54 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Been in this situation myself. Unfortunately it does change the dynamic of a relationship when you ask for a commitment and the other person is either not ready or isn't serious about you. When you want more than another person is prepared to give you then it puts pressure on them and makes them feel guilty even if you agree to keep things the way they are and their natural reaction will be to try to create some distance.  And of course you made things a lot worse by being needy/insecure/clingy/demanding and that will push him away further as well as turning him off. 

He doesn't want to be with you. And by continuing to force things you might get to occasionally hang out with him and even hook up with him from time to time for a little while. But it won't make you happy. And eventually he will either find someone else or get completely fed up with you and turn on you and that will be even more painful. 

Also you may feel the pair of you had so much fun on the holiday but you are projecting. He wasn't that keen on going and you insisted. And probably he was trying to make the best of it and avoid any awkwardness and it is quite easy to have sex with someone you don't have feelings for if you still feel some physical attraction and he probably felt guilty about it and did not want you to feel used so went along with the hugging and kissing afterwards. 

But even during this holiday there were still some tells. As you mentioned he was reluctant to hold hands. And also he didn't give you a straight answer when you asked if he still cares. 

And of course you feel you are compatible because when you have feelings for someone it is easy to find reasons to be together. And vice versa when you don't have feelings which is why he told you a while back that he feels in his heart you two aren't compatible and do not have a future together. 

I can guarantee he will cool towards you if you meet up again after the holiday and it will be very painful. 

Best thing to do is to end it on a relatively positive note. Tell him you really enjoyed the holiday but it made you realize you still have feelings for him and dating/hanging out isn't enough for you and you need to move on and find someone who wants to be with you.

It will feel a lot better than dragging it out and getting dumped again. 

How Do I stop being needy and clingy, I just want him to hug me. If I don't hang out with him I just really miss him, I feel like I have to wait another week to see him. Or just any relationships, I would feel the same. He did tell me in the beginning when we first met that he does not want a relationship, but he pursued me anyway. When i didn't hang out with him he got so nervous. Every time before meeting me he would say I can't wait to see you, keen as a bean. Only because I asked the question about relationship that he changed into a different person.... I feel like every-time I pull away a little bit he would get a little closer to me, it's like there is an invisible wall.

literally no one I can have then, everyone just gets less interested over time. Why am I the only one who stays the same???

Why is everyone so mean, there is one thing I want in life, why can't I just give it a try? I really like him and I think that we are compatible. I know he does not want a relationship right now, but I will give him time. Why is it so absolute??? He has been the one who was most interested in me. 

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You have got to stop, OP. 

You have been trying to force this nearly since the beginning, and you don't listen when he says "no thank you." Instead, you try to make him be with you and you are incredibly clingy. That's no way to have a relationship. 

And no, he shouldn't have gone on a trip with or had sex with you. But when you offer some people the chance for "casual" sex, they will take it. It doesn't mean he wants to date you again. 

It's time to let him go. You might feel things and see a future, but he's told you repeatedly that he doesn't. Please, believe him. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean you should refuse to listen and try to make things happen your way.

 

He was the one who was chasing me in the beginning. And it's his idea that he still wants to hangout he can choose to stop hanging out but he didn't. I didn't force him, I only suggested that if he wants to go.

So I have been dating this guy for 6 months. He was great for the first 3 months, everything that I could've wished for. But on new year's date i asked about our relationship status. He said we were dating exclusively, but he said he does not want to lead me on because he is not ready for a relationship. But I kept asking, then he said i am sorry let's just be friends. I got really anxious and said, I don't want you to go, let's keep dating. He agreed. We kept dating for another 3 months, but I could feel that he was not that interested as before, he tried to pull out, we used to see each other for the whole weekend, turned into only one day mostly.

Finally about two months ago, he initiated the break up, I was heartbroken, I said we were so compatible but he said in his heart he knows that we were not compatible, he does not see a future. But he said we can still hangout and stuff. After only one week he started looking for other guys and added a bunch of guys on instagram. My heart shattered. My friends told me not to hangout with him anymore because it will only make me more heartbroken. I couldn't control myself and kept texting him. He begged him another time we met, he said he does not want to break up again, he said he wants to go back to NZ one day (he is from nz, here in syd for work).

I learned that he joined a swim club so I asked if I could join. 3 week after break up, he no longer wants to kiss me or hold my hand, he doesn't even look me straight in the eye. I could feel that he had moved on. I thought it's ok, I love hanging out with him and spending time with him. That will be fine. The next week, as we hang out more, I could feel that he started to look me in the eye, I always ask him to hug me and he said I was so clingy and demanding. But he hugged me anyway and he told me he decided that he wants to stay in sydney. Then, the next week, I started to ask him to kiss me, he started to kiss me on the cheek but avoid the lips, I could feel a little chemistry there, even he does not want to admit it.

After that, I planned a trip to Melbourne, and he said he'd like to come (I asked him twice, he hesitated and said it is just me does not like to commit). 

He agreed finally. So when we travel to Melbourne, I could feel that the chemistry is back. He said he was excited for the trip, for the entirety of the trip we couldn't stop laughing. When we get to the hotel, we showered together, and finally it happened, we started kissing and had sex. We cuddled for the whole night, we couldn't stop kissing. I tried to hold his hand but he still tried to pull away (outside of sex). I asked one time that if he cares about me, then he responded if he does not care about me he wouldn't spend the weekend with me in Melbourne. I took him to my friend (who told me I should never hang out with him) changed her opinion, complimented him and said that he is a great guy and said his personality is really very likeable. she said that she really hope us continue to be together, and she saw that the way we interact is the cutest she has ever seen. 

But at the last day of the trip, we went to see a movie, and I tried to hold his hand again, he finally gave up and hold my hand tightly. At the airport, we were waiting for boarding, we were watching a movie, a guy walked passed me and I looked at him. He laughed. I asked why, he said, you looked him from head to toe it is so embarrassing. Then, I replied, I don't look at other guys I only look at you. He made a sound "mmmmm" (here it gets confusing, I don't know if he got jealous or something, i looked at everyone that walked past me 😅). And on my way back on the plane, I could feel that we had so much fun, playing wordle. When we said goodbye, we kissed. When I got back to syd, I finally tried to find if he is on tinder, turns out his profile is no longer visible, and till now he has not added anyone on Instagram. 

I really like him and want to be with him, I see that we are so compatible, I don't want to give up. I want more of him but at the same time I don't want to give him pressure and push him away. I want to text him everyday but I know I shouldn't.... What's your opinion on this, please help, I really appreciate it!

I am sending it to him now, so nervous, I am literally shaking 

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think there's any need to apologize. As far as he's concerned, you were just reciprocating his affection.

As for staying 'friends,' I don't think it's a good idea given how much anxiety you're suffering over this.

Just say, "I think you're really cool, but I'm looking for something more. I think it's best if we stop seeing each other." And stop seeing him. He's getting what he wants, but you're not getting what you want. 

He's not the only nice guy on earth. But you'll never meet another nice guy if you stick around with this guy. 

don't you think stop seeing would be a little extreme? 

You guys are so right. I shouldn't get so intimate with him from now on. He is a nice person so we will just stay friends.

2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I agree 100%. You should break it off. You're getting affection from him, not love or intimacy. Affection is nice, but it's not a substitute for what you really need. Pretending that it is will leave you hurt and feeling used.

Ok, I will tell him today.

Can I say:

' Sam, I really enjoy the time with you and you make me happy, but I am really looking for dates, sorry if I got too intimate with you. Let's just stay friends.'

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Wait, is this the guy who's looks you don't like and you wanted him to change his skin and hair and the way he dresses? How is it you suddenly like him so much? 

Yeah, that's right.

I get attached too quickly, he has the perfect and cute personality. My weakness...

I haven't dated for so long, finally someone holding my hand in public for hours (dreaming this for years) and hugging me in the park. I can feel that he likes me😭😭😭.

7 hours ago, DancingFool said:

If you keep hanging out with him, you know you will keep getting attached to him more and more. The problem is that he already told you straight up that he is not interested in you that way so for you to carry on is begging to get badly hurt and messed around.

When someone tells you that they are not looking for a relationship, the full sentence is "not looking for a relationship with you." The reasons and excuses are just softening the blow and it doesn't matter what excuse they give you - not over an ex, work is killing them, they need to find themselves, etc. The excuse is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is they are not that into you, but they will use you for companionship and more until they find someone they are actually into. Beware.

My point is that if you don't want to get hurt, then learn to walk away quickly from people who are telling you they are not that into you no matter how much you might be into them. Refocus and spend your energy on those who do want you. All this time you are lost thinking about this guy, you are stopping yourself from noticing someone else who is genuinely into you and would make a great partner for you.

I think that not interested in me is an overstatement, he likes me, and if he didn't like me why would he message me or wanting to meet me so much. He enjoys my companionship. 

However, I do agree with you that whatever reason that stops him from wanting to have a relationship I should be aware. I suspect that he is still with his ex, he moved to Australia from NZ for work, he said that he was going to decide whether he wants to stay here or not. 

Last night I stalked his ex instagram, I see all these pictures when they are together back in 2018. I have reason to believe that he has not move on/still together(lying). He told me they broke up when he moved to Australia. And he is not getting back with him.

He is saying yes to everything I ask him. If I say something intimate he response back with the same thing. I maybe too naive to think that he might change his mind? We are getting closer each time we meet. 

I really enjoy the time with him😭, maybe I just tell him we should get so intimate unless he wants to date me? Otherwise, let's just stay friends?

What should I tell this guy then, thanks

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

The risk would be too high for me here to proceed. 

He told you he is not looking for a relationship, and it is clear that he has not moved on from his ex yet. It sounds like he enjoys spending time with you but there is a strong probability it will not develop into more, and it will leave you hurt. 

I would move on. Waiting and hoping that someone becomes ready to date again is almost always an exercise in (painful) futility. 

It is already so hard to find a nice guy, what can I do???

I really like him, he makes me happy 😭

Why I can't find anything, the only guys I find are unwilling to commit😭

Life is too difficult, I have been looking for years, none of them worked. Maybe I will just stay single...

2 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

What is your goal?

Monogamous relationship? 

Your goal cannot be: Don't get hurt or heartbroken again.  If it is that you will not be open and hide from the risk.  This is something we all have to risk for the reward don't we?

If you want something and the person you are with does not then why stay around them?

Lost

Because I really like him, I love his personality. And he makes me happy all the time, we smile all the time.

I told him I liked him, and he said he liked me too. The like was mutual.

I would hope for a Monogamous relationship, but I just want to be happy, I love spending time with him. it is so conflicting. 

Quote

This is something we all have to risk for the reward don't we?

I guess this is the risk for me? I am not going to know how this will turn out...

'Maybe I should just to protect myself from getting heartbroken?' I mean by seeing other guys.

1 minute ago, lostandhurt said:

If you want a relationship and he is not ready then yes there is a good chance you can be hurt again.

Hoping he will suddenly want a relationship is not a good idea.  You are placing your future happiness on a hope that someday it might happen.

  Are you okay with just a casual dating thing with him while you keep looking for the right guy?

Getting attached to fast can be trouble because when that happens we all tend to ignore red flags or start putting our lives second just to see them.  This is where you can get lost in the relationship or connection.

If you want a relationship and he does not then what do you plan on doing?

Lost

Thanks for the reply, I really enjoy the time with him. What I plan to do is I bide my time, and see how things will turn out. In the meantime, I need to keep my anxiety in check, my heart beats so fast every time I have anxiety.

Quote

Are you okay with just a casual dating thing with him while you keep looking for the right guy?

I feel like you are right, but I don't know why I started to lose interest in most other guys, I only think of him. I feel like its unfaithful, because I told him I am not seeing anyone else as well. Maybe I should just to protect myself from getting heartbroken?

Quote

Getting attached to fast can be trouble

I know, it is extremely troubling for me, I just can't stop...

I don't know what I should do, I feel lonely and sad when I am not meeting anyone. And when I do meet someone I feel hurt and anxiety. 😥 Endless cycle, I want to meet someone and be happy, don't have to worry about whether he is going to cheat or not.

I met a guy, we have a great time, every time he tells me he can't wait to see me. During the second time, we never have any intimate moments (kissing/ holding hands), I just loved to chat with him that's all, and think that he is super nice. I enjoyed the time with him a lot. I was worried at one point that he was not that interested because he had not made the move to get intimate.

The third time we met, we went hiking, we chatted and hung out the whole day. Later, we decided to go to see a movie at his house. we started to hug each other during the movie. And later I went to his bedroom, we started to kiss, I could feel that he really liked kissing me. Then, I started to ask I am not sure what he was looking for. And he told me he is not looking for a relationship at the moment (I was a little in shock, and heartbroken). He told me he is just not ready because of his ex, he had a few years relationship with him. Broke up 6 months ago. He asked me what I was looking for, I didn't want to push him and said that I really enjoy being with you, I am happy as long as we are together. He replied I am happy as long as you are happy. We hugged for a long time. I also asked him if he is seeing other guys, are you going to get back with your ex, he said no (he seems very genuine, and does not lie). 

Then the next day, he said he wants to go hiking, and I asked if I could come with. And we met shortly after again, this time I could feel that we are so intimate, even feel like we are in a relationship. I didn't initiate, he held my hand for the entirety of 5 hours walk. I let go of my hand, and he went and hold my hand tightly again. I felt so happy, we walked so long, and even sat at the bench and hugging kissing. we kissed a lot. I have felt this kind of intimacy for such a long time. 

We are meeting in a week or two weeks, because I have been so busy and his brother is visiting so he has to spend some time with his brother. I feel like I started to develop feelings with him. I can't stop thinking about him on a daily basis wondering how he is doing. Also, at the same time, I do not want to get hurt again like before, getting attached too quickly. But I really like him, tbh I didn't like him that much in the second meeting, but my feelings grow each time we meet. He is super sweet. 

I know I have a history of getting attached too quickly,  should I give hope that one day we might turn into a relationship? Should I be proactive and ask him out all the time (he always says yes)? I am also anxious that he might leave me (I know I am self-imagining), if he does not text me one day I feel anxious (I know it is kind of bad). 

Thanks for reading everyone!

Thank you everyone, you are right. I will not try to change him anymore, thank you!

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Are you dating or just a general acquaintance I can’t tell. 

Thanks for the reply, its dating