lonly112000

I haven't posted in a while. My last post were in suicide though. Considering that i have much to think about huh. I was just wondering if some of the stuff i come up with would be considered poetry. Its not really long enough to be considered a poem but more of a saying or something. I dont know but im gonna list a few so here goes:

"Going on, when all that is left.....is a single ray of hope.....in a world of darkness........that is strength..."

"A rose is a rose, no matter how you look at it....but a thought is much more if you look at it the right way...."

"When silence falls apon you....lifes true feelings embrace"

"No one is truly ever alone, for within yourself is more of a person than you will ever know"

Like i said it isnt really poetry. It's just stuff i come up with while im sitting and thinking.

I like to think. Ive found more commfort within myself than with othere people, so when the choice comes between talkling and thinking....i chose to think. If you search your soul deep enough and try to think of every possible thing about something, like if you think of darkness and you try to think of everything about darkness, the sound, the look, the feel, after a while its true form comes to mind....

" It is not the dark that scares people.....it is fear of what lies right before there eyes and they still cannot see it"

I don't know. Tell me what you think

I can't tell you anything but to try to cover them up with make-up. But thats one thing that made me stop cuttin because i thought about it and i would look at my arm and see the scars and see the one place that i cut so deep i had nine stiches and told the doctor i had cut it on a piece of metal in our metal shop. But i would see that and it made me think if i make it through this and grow up and have kids and one day they look at my arm and ask whats that from what would i say? What would you say? I'm not going to tell you not to cut because i used to do it and i think if i did it or do it i can't tell someone not too. But i will tell you this cutting leads to cutting deeper not just on the skin but on the soul, everytime you cut your arm you cut your soul. Scars like that won't heal. No matter how much i try i won't ever forget what it was like to go through the day just thinking of getting home getting out a knife and cutting. It's a bad feeling to just walk around waiting to die. You can make it through this and make it through life. Life will test you. You may think you can't take anymore but you can...you just dont know it yet.

Stay strong. STAY SAFE!!!!!!!!!!!! LIVE LIFE FOR TODAY.

MY MONTRA (ONE OF THEM): Live life to the fullest, even if it means death.

Don't waste even one day because one day wasted is 24 hours lost to darkness. You may have to live that day again...

okay well all i could find on the net said that you can have something done to stop the chemicals that cause you to feel the orgasm. Your really still having an orgasm but you just dont feel it.

We want you here because you are one of us. Your are a human and all humans have that reason to want you here. Life just sux some times i can tell you i had two of my best friends die in the same month and a year later i was diagnosed with cancer. I beat both of those things by looking at the very small some what morbid good things such as my friend that died racing his car, he would have rather died in that car doing what he loved than just slipping away in some hospital when he was like 80. My other friend died in in a motorcycle wreck but thats somthin he loved doin. He wanted to die doing that he wanted to die racing some one side by side. Its what he loved. Through my cancer i was thinking of just getting through it although i didnt think i was going to make it thats the small tiny little ray of hope that kept me going. I still have things i have to work out i still have to put my life back together but i know it will come back together. Life will test you to your limits it will go past what you think you can bear but you can make it. People who take there on life havent been pushed past there limit they have just thought about it so much they decided for them selves that they had. When life gets hard just try to find somthing good to think about no matter how small it might be one singal tiny ray of hope will pull you through a mountain of trouble. Don't do anything stupid. Some people might give me crap for this but here is what i think about everytime before i race and is one of my montra's : Live life to the fullest even if it means death.

Hello,

I want to give you a guys opinion. This may not aply to all guys because some guys (alot of them) think they can do what they want with a girl even if she doesnt like it. But that is not how i was raised and is not how my future children will be raised. I asked my girl friend (been with her for nine months) if it was okay if i did anything. I told her if she wasnt ready tell me now and not when it was too late. I knew it would be okay if i did but i wanted her to know i had that respect for her to make sure it was. Some times you may have to tell him something that your not comfortable saying but thats what it takes to make him understand. Guys may not like me saying that but it's true. When you are ready let him know. I don't mean say "Hey you can finger me" but just let him know, girls out there know how to give those sighns and well guys know how to read them. I'm going to leave you with one little saying i've always been told "Respect yourself before anything else".

I dont know where else to put this so this will have to do.

I have a problem with dealing with anger and i know one day it will lead to me killing myself.Okay,like when i get mad i go to my weight room and cut loose on my punchin bag.Most people work on a bag for about 20 or 25 minutes but when i start i cant stop.I stay on it losing all track of time or pain.I end up working to long and hurting myself.I don't have anything else to do i used to fight people just to fight it was a bunch of us who used to just fight because thats how we would escape all the stuff we were dealing with at the time.I stopped that because i know i wasn't just hurtin myself i was hurting other people too.To put it in short i got to good.So now i just have a punchin bag but i take it way to far.I've gone so far as too stay on my bag for like 2 hours and then when i get done i hurt so bad and i'm so tired that i pass out.I know that one day my heart is going to bust if i push myself to far because i used to know a guy who died after he pushed himself to far will he was workin out.(not on a punchin bag)

What should i do?

Hey man,

I dont know your situation but i mean suicide isn't were you need to go i mean even though you may think that youve gotn nothin else left theres always somthin i mean i thought i was alone with no where to turn but i had people that tried to talk to me and i wouldnt listen suicide is a stupid thing although some cases may have nothin left but that most dont most have people who care about them and they dont even know it just think about it before you do somthin stupid.

Dude im not going to tell you not to do this because i myself have smoked since i was 10 and now go through about 3/4 of a pack a day on a school day and go through a pack and a couple on a off day (weekends spring break ect.) but yeh you prolly can get hooked like that i started off smokin one cigg. like a week and now look where im at plus if you get hooked then youve got to think about the money (smokes cost a good bit)

and ive tried dippin but didn't think to much of it but dip cost money to.I've had to give up half of my weekly income just to pay for smokes.Just think about it if you are ready for this you will know what to do.

The way i see it cutting is cutting even if all you do is scrape im not going to tell you not to do this because through all my times i have found that people handle their problems diffrently and even if you thik cutting is better than suicide think about this 72% of all people who commit suicide began with cutting...somthing to think about huh...i just want to tell you a small bit of my story and you can check out the rest if you like in my post "suicide living...cancer killing" but anyway to break it down to yah i went to the doctor and found out i had third prognosis testicular cancer i was given a 30% chance of living (my doctors told me later that they had really ment i wasn't going to make it) but anyhow i went through one chemo treatment and told them i wasn't ever doing that again.I tried suicide alot of times but i went back to the doctor 7 months later and they told me i was cancer free nothing left im clean i thought i was going to die and i wanted to end it my way if i had ended my life i wouldn't have known that i was going to live. The last thing i want to say is even if life gives you a 1% chance of living then take that chance suicide gives you a 0% chance.

Sorry and i know im young so dont tell me this but i really think there is no way it would work i mean thats my perspective i went out with a girl for 2 years and she is now 20 i was 10 when we started goin out and we broke up on my 12th B-day it was a great relationship fun happy and full of love but there is no way it would have worked out she was starting her life when i was still in grade school we had to end it although i was only 12 she took it harder than me the way i see it is the average life of a person in the U.S. is 75 or 80 when he is 75 you will be 53 so when he dies that will be 22 years you go without a partner now if you married a guy who was about three or four years older than you then you would be together till the end (if all went well) but i mean what ever you feel is right if you think it could work i wouldnt say dont do it because everyone loves who they want and if i loved someone that was 20 years older than me i would prolly go for it too but whatever

I'm not going to say you are to young because i myself am also young but just go with the flow and if your not commfortable with him doing this just let him know i asked my GF if she was okay with me reachin up her shirt and well yah know...and she said it was fine but i have the respect to ask her and not just do it anyway if he doesn't ask you tell him if you like it or not and like i said just go with the flow when your hand is down there do what you like to do what makes you feel good and this in most cases is going to make him feel good also.I don't know what else to tell you because all guys are diffrent but just remmember respect yourself before anyone else and do what feels right to you if your not ready you will know it.

I tried suicide many times and i felt at that time it was the best thing for me also but man listen if you think things are bad now and will never get better and then you decide to take your life how will you know if things could have gotten better man i had planned to kill myself and i was going to do it but the day before an awesome girl came into my life we are in love and planning on getting married in a years time (people do that thing really early where i live) and if you take your life today how will you know what tomorrow could have brought you i lived through testicular cancer that gave me a 30% chance of living and then with no help no chemo nothin but sadness all of its gone nothin is there no cancer no nothin man i can relate to what you are sayin and im not saying that you really dont have anyone thats cares about you some very sad cases really dont have anyone but i thought i didnt but i did i had some people who i thought would never have came back to my side and after i snapped back to the real world i realized those people were with me the whole time

...Just next time you think that you need to end your life think about this...nobody knows what tomorrow will bring it could bring great things or terrible things but as long as there is a chance that keeps me goin and it can keep you goin...

Okay here is the deal as all the people who have read my few post know i just came through a really dark time in my life and although i thought every one hated me or had given up on me i have realized that a few never gave up on me and those few are my only friends but any way one of them wants me to come talk to her youth group about what i went through she thinks it could help them from going through it but im not sure if i should or if it would help i guess im scared that some of them would take it wrong and think i am weird or still like that (suicidal) and then just dislike me more what should i do?

hello,well before you decide think about this i had testicular cancer and had a 30% chance of living i decided not to go through chemo after one treatment because it was the most awful feeling ever i tried suicide 18 times in three months because i wanted to end my life my way i had cancer in my lungs and almost all of my body after those three months i went to my doctor they took another chest x-ray and im am cancer free its gone not there not a trace left.I had a 30% chance of living and did with suicide you have a 0% chance.You may not kill yourself the first time or the next or the next but it will catch up with you and will take you with it.Maybe you should check out my post "Suicide living...Cancer killing" to see the rest of my story.

...

I want to tell every one who did reply to my post thanks and i know that all of your voices really did help.I want to tell every one that life is worth living and even if you think that you are feeling so bad and even if the odds are stacked against you you can make it i've got a story to tell so listen up:

Hello everyone,

I have a story to tell......for a long time....ive been messed up....drugs, suicide, everything at once......and....i hate to say this....but everything that was once in this post.....was a lie.....i would like to say it was the drugs that made me lie......but i am afraid that wouldnt be the truth either.......the drugs had something to do with it i guess.....but after ive gotten some help....and had someone to talk to....i realize all the things i lied about.....i made all those things up so everyone would give me more attention......i know this sounds dumb now....and i know it was dumb....but i did it......it may have been the drugs talking.....it may have been my own in-securities.....but it happened.......i am sorry to everyone who posted in this topic because i lied to you......but i want to thankyou for even caring enough to post........i am sorry.......goodbye.....

well no i havent tried talking back but if you could hear this voice you wouldnt talk back and the screams are even worse i mean like its just hard to imagine and truthfuly i wouldnt want any one to imagine them but a doctor is not the answer for me but we will see

I know im young and all but my GF always says she wants me to talk to her and stuff but she is really shy and doesnt talk alot so what do i do? I mean she want start a convo. and every time i do she doesnt talk alot and she says itd cause she doesnt want to talk about what ever it is. But then she waont tell me what she wants to talk about. I know all this sounds hard to comprehend but can some one tell me what i should do?

also although it doesnt have any thing to do with my problem and i have no idea why im telling someone i dont know this but he never had timne to scream the bike flipped and he was killed instantly i was the only one screaming

no the screams had started before that and before i saw my other friend burn to death in a car but they just started getting stronger like i used to could ignor them cause they were really faint like hardly there but now its like i can't do any thing without them being there and its not just screams

no thats not what i mean what i mean is that no one has control its not real you cant control whats gonna happen next or what already has happened adults just like to think they have "control" of their life because it makes them feel better and safe but its just a made up story like santa clause or the easter bunny.[/i]

sorry and im not tryin to make you mad thisisnotanexit but no one has control control is somthin grown-ups make up to make themselves feel better and to comfort them not tryin to make you mad but thats the truth

i hear all these people scream and im thinkin god i just want to die i ask god to please if he's there to end my pain but he hasnt i want all the pain to end no matter what it takes i mean i just dont really care what it takes and everyone is tellin me suicide is selfish but well some times you got to be selfish and well i see this as one of those times nad i mean like why keep goin i hear all these people screamin and i realize im goin to join them some day ill be able to be care free and have no problems but thats gonna be...my dying day cause there is no way any person or thing is gonna be able to help me cept for one thing this knife or those pills or that gun but for some reason ive been fightin but now the voice told me that its time for me to turn the knife on my throat instead of my arm and i feel like every one in the world hates me and as im writin this i realize ... they do

Thanx everyone but i really can't see a doctor i mean i could but all they are goin to do is try to put me away in some mad house even if i dont need it because all the people in my town are mad at me and are always gonna be they just want me out of their perfect little town and will do anything to do just that but i believe once i get the money to buy food and gas for my ninja i just may do that but i aint got no place to go no family that would take me and im not goin to live in no shelter but im startin to stay in the shop (i work part time in a metal fabrication shop) and ive been stayin there till everyone in town is asleep then i just go ride for like hours i love to ride my ninja (for those who dont know thats a motor cycle or rather a street bike) its like for that time its me and the bike im not worried bout any thing else but i used to think i controled the bike but after seeing one of my very few friends die while racing me last year ive realized i cant control it

im like you man i feel like if i had a chance to make somthin of my self i could but i aint never had a chance and well im just tired of tryin to get one i mean all these people get these chances and then they throw them away and im thinkin why not let me have one im just givvin in its so much easier like suicide has become just part of my life i mean yeh i got no friends but after a while you get used to the voices in your head and i just let them say what they have to and like when this evil inside me takes over i try to end my life not that i want to but its not somthin i can control so i just let it happen

I dont know that this helped but hey your jnot alone.

charlie