moodindigo91

19 hours ago, AutumnBorn said:

M., can I suggest you pick up a copy of the book Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships? It's a sociology book about how relationships end, rather than a relationship book, but it seems to provide answers and insights when we aren't sure what exactly happened. It did, at least, for me. Really, it changed how I looked at the end of my marriage. Seeing how it ended in those universal steps, helped me tremendously, and I can't even say why exactly, except it gave me some answers my ex couldn't. I think you might find some hidden answers in there, too.

 

Thanks I ordered a copy. I have been listening to some book on codependency my therapist told me to read on audiobook but I'm finding it unhelpful. What you describe sounds more my arena. 

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why was law school -making it through -a test as far as getting married? I know of many couples who wait till after grad school for practical reasons - then you know where you will work, then you have time to plan a wedding, etc - but why as some sort of test of the relationship? 

Talking about future travel plans, etc and sharing living space is separate from talk about a marital commitment or marital-like commitment - talk about marriage plus action is certainly relevant - was the plan to see if you both still wanted to be together after graduation and then plan a wedding date?  I know it's over but this sounds like a set up of one foot out the door/keeping options open -not a committed couple -is this sort of a typical pattern for you?

Idk. It wasn't really a test. It was just a funny thing we said. But I definitely wasn't ready to be married when I started law school, and our relationship had just started. Law school takes 2.5-3 years. We figured by then, if we were still together, we'd be ready to be more serious about marriage and stuff. 

But, as the time for me to finish came closer, he drifted away. We've had a lot of talks. Most of them were about him figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. So, I guess he figured it out and I guess it doesn't include me. I loved him so I thought maybe he'd change his mind. But I was wrong about that too. 

No, it's not typical. Or maybe it is. I've only been in a few relationships. Honestly, this was the best one I've had. I feel sad because I feel like I meant nothing to him in the long run. And I guess this meant more to me. He made me feel like we were on the road toward a life commitment for a while. I probably should have just ended it myself in September if not before we went to Greece. 

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So it's not set in stone but if you want a LTR - marriage -yes? Then what were the plans/timeline for when to get engaged and married? I mean typically -with exceptions -by 2 years there are solid discussions if both people want that.

Originally, the plan was that we would get engaged when I graduated from law school, if we made it through that ordeal. Instead, four days after I graduated, he left me. 

A few weeks prior to that, he told me he didn't want kids. That's a subject I struggle with myself so not really a deal breaker for me. I spent most of my life not wanting kids, a small portion of it wanting kids, a small portion of it on the fence. Something he was also on the fence about before he told me he decided he didn't. 

We talked about possibly moving to another state, possibly moving abroad in the future, future travel plans/destinations, etc. pretty regularly. 

I miss you 😥. I feel incredibly broken by your decision to leave our relationship for selfish reasons. I keep thinking you're right down the hall, and remembering you're not. This is the harder than anything I've been through so far. How do I let go of something that felt so right. I wish I could rewind time and figure out where we went wrong. 

On 11/10/2021 at 8:02 AM, Rob1000 said:

Does anyone else experience that while trying to recover and move on? This morning I was feeling really good, with great clarity over my situation but then a little while ago I got so overwhelmed with every emotion - from sadness to  overwhelming grief and crying - that I could barely function. 

I hope the waves of grief mean I'm accepting and letting go, which will help me get over her and move on. 

Yes. I'm experiencing this myself right now. Really makes it difficult to function but I'm hoping to ride it out 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I know your ex actually did date you and actually did show he wanted to be exclusive but it's the talk versus action and the hanging on to someone who is having deep philosophical conversations -but is just not into you enough to go the distance -you mistook the former for having specific interest in being with you in a serious LTR

Yeah. Maybe. I don't understand why he'd date me for over 2 years and move in with me and help raise my dog and travel with me if he didn't want an LTR. It feels like a sudden change or a slow one he never told me about. I am feeling absolutely devastated over this and I hate it. Why am I so stuck on someone who has clearly shown they don't want me. 😥 I felt so wanted by him up until basically September. 

He unfollowed me on Instagram and removed all of our pictures 😥

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I figure since he acts as if marriage is extremely important and he had parents who had an awesome marriage albeit not perfect and he is so very family oriented and a man of integrity and ethics, I have no need to ask him.  Find someone where you have no need to make those grand pronouncements because you look into his eyes and you see the depth and meaning.

🥺 Thanks. This really got to me. 

50 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Certainly I'm all for being direct that you're looking for something potentially serious, for marriage and family - but that's kind of one or two sentences at most -and the right person will get that - meaning even if he doesn't yet want it with you he will get what that means -no psychospeak needed.  And if two people decide to be a couple I mean where is the "pursuit?"  I think from the get go you were suspicious that he wanted the same things and thought a lot of words would reassure you.

Yeah maybe I didn't explain it well or give context but these are conversations we had while we were just casually dating, and I wasn't talking about relationships being important to the meaning of life to me at the same time I told him I didn't want to date anyone not looking for a serious relationship. Before we started officially dating, we were neighbors across the hall. We'd hang out at each other's apartments, and we had lots of really good philosophical conversations. We talked about life being inherently meaningless and how we create our meanings. And I told him, in my view, personal relationships are the key to bringing meaning to life. So anyway. Later on, our connection was strong and that's when I told him I was only interested in dating someone if they were interested in a serious relationship because I'm preparing to enter into a new career and all the stuff I've said a million times in my other posts. I think, in hindsight, he found that attractive at first because he was looking for something to fill a void. I don't think my love could fill the void he has. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Why would you try to depersonalize?  Feel what you feel.  You get to choose the reaction.  I know it’s annoying.  For me angry cleaning and or vigorous cardio exercise helps in similar situations.  There’s no need to let go. Way too tall an order IMO.  Basically you allow the feelings to exist.  Like an annoying fly.  Don’t debate or argue with the feelings.  It’s like trying to convince yourself not to be envious about someone bragging about her new boyfriend on social media.  
 

You know it’s silly because who knows what’s true or not true about it.  But annoyingly you still feel that cringey it’s not fair feeling. It’s ok.  Feel it. And go about your day. 

I’ve never ever depersonalized any of my prior relationships whether I ended them or otherwise.  One or two or three dates ?  Sure.  But relationships are personal. So are their endings. 

Idk. My therapist says I need to depersonalize this because it was his problem and didn't really have anything to do with me as a partner or whatever. And she says I have an anxious attachment style that makes me feel like I did something wrong which causes me to brood, etc. I think that is true in many ways. I think I tried too hard to build a relationship with someone who just saw it as an experience. And now I'm heartbroken because of it. 

24 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Speaking for myself only, if a guy I met gave me "whole speeches about the importance of relationships" I would find it a little overwhelming and suffocating. I would know about the importance of what relationships mean, and therefore not need a potential new partner to launch into "whole speeches" about it.  The right person doesn't need a whole speech.  But like I say, that's just me, how I see it.  Maybe it works for some, but not for me.

All breakups are hard.  It takes time. Acceptance brings peace.

 

I say whole speeches to exaggerate. They were actually conversations between us. But we talked about relationships and their importance to the meaning of life and he seemed to be on the same page with me. That's all. Guess things change. If he felt suffocated I don't see why he would have decided to pursue me after that. And yet he did. I'm having a hard time accepting this. He just unfollowed me on IG (I unfollowed him last night) and I just feel so sad lol 

On 12/3/2021 at 11:51 AM, Je2405 said:

Hey All,

This thread made me find this site and inspired me so much the last few weeks I wanted to come on and add in a couple stories I know off the top of my head to help. I'm 2 months post break-up, went NC about three weeks in just due to logistic reasons. I broke NC this past week, and have tentative plans to meet her to catch-up Monday. I don't expect a reconciliation story to come out of that, in fact I'd put solid odds she pulls out of those plans before hand. 2.5 year relationship, 1.5 years living together, was planning to propose Feb/March of 2022, I'm 33, she's 30. She said she lost feelings, felt like she didn't love me anymore, wasn't sure we were compatible. Which is interesting because less than a month before she was asking me to promise we were going to get married. I'm trying to move on and heal but been struggling to do so, feel like I healed to a point and I've just been stuck there. Maybe this meeting Monday will be the final straw (painful straw) but to help me let go. Who knows.

Anyway, the stories:

• I recently became friends with a couple who are older, late 40s. They've been married since they were 18 (due to unexpected pregnancy). They have three kids. When I met them they seemed very much in love, very much in sync, surprisingly so for how long they've been together. Well when my break-up happened I confided in the guy (I was confiding in everyone at that point to be honest). And just asked if him and his wife had every split in the past. Well here I was shocked to learn that a year earlier they had been separated for 8 months, that he thought it was over, that they had sold their house, living separately, and at the point of getting divorce papers officially. I don't know all the details but I'll share what I know. Apparently he had a brief affair over 2 months, he broke it off but the woman told her husband who told my friend's wife. Apparently there was a brief split of a couple weeks but then they came back together and decided to work it out. But after a few months apparently the wounds she had were too much. He caught her texting a guy from work, multiple times, until finally she just left. He said the next 8 months were the worst of his life, constant depression, couldn't function. They lived apart, and he said he made himself available to her whenever she asked, which he now feels was a mistake. He said he tried to go NC a few times but always broke, and looking back feels like that's why it went on so long. Apparently they had a family vacation planned every year, for two weeks, his daughters didn't want her to come as they were quite upset with her but he insisted that it was a family vacation so she should be there. He said over those two weeks of just constant time together they re-connected a little. When they got back things kind of fell back into the same pattern, living separate, she was apparently seeing the other guy the whole time. I'm not sure the whole story here, but I know that he said they got into a big fight the one night, she left. He thought for sure it was over and was planning to call the attorney in the morning and have the divorce papers started because he was just mentally and emotionally exhausted. Then the next day she calls him repeatedly saying she's at his apartment and wants to talk. They talk, and she says she's done with the other guy, that she's decided she wants to re-commit to them and their relationship, move (he was going to move states as part of a refresh) and work things out. So that's what they did! Interestingly when discussing my break-up with both of them he said don't reach out to her at all just stay away, but then she interjected and said well if you had done that we might not be here.......not saying not to do NC but just thought it was interesting. Now they seem very happy, he said its tough and that there's still a lot of pain to let go, but if you met them you'd never guess it.
• Second story - there was this couple I knew in college who had dated all through high school, went to the same college, etc. My sophmore year they broke up, or took a break. I guess just one of those GIGS things or wanting to make sure they were right for each other. During the "break" the girl did something sexual with a guy friend of hers and the guy found out about it....he freaked. Broke if off with her entirely, wouldn't talk to her, hated her really for a long time. I want to say at least 6 months, maybe more. Then they started talking again, not sure how, and eventually reconciled. They're married now with two kids, I don't talk to them anymore but haven't heard anything bad about their marriage or anything.

I'm on here and other website just like most of you, and for the same reasons as most of you. I know that the only way there's hope is if the other person realizes they want the relationship too and comes back to make an effort. Which is a big reason I'm not hopeful about my meet up Monday because I had to initiate it. But these stories do help, similar to what others have said I don't think its false hope.....to me its almost that just because a relationship ended doesn't mean it wasn't worth something, or that the other person just moves on with nothing residual from the time you two shared sticking with them, reconciliation or not. Reconciliation I think is just an in your face manifestation of that.

Wish me luck Monday, if it even happens, but more importantly wish me the strength to do what I need to do to move on and let go one way or the other. Because I've accepted that that is necessary.

Curious to know how it went 

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think this statement is why people were so concerned.

I'm glad you're feeling stronger. Don't be too hard on yourself, but rather allow yourself to mourn the end of the relationship that you had hopes for. Soon enough you'll feel like yourself again.

Yeah I get that. A moment of desperation for sure. I am feeling more cold than anything. I am still having trouble depersonalizing this and letting go. I can't shake the feeling that he was the right one. It's annoying. 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

The balance is delicate but to me it's part of what's essential to become the right person to find the right person.  I would not be married now if I'd settled/been desperate.  We got married when we were 42 and became parents at 42 - first marriage, first living together for both of us.  Part luck, part timing, part both of us feeling that spark then taking that spark and building it to something lasting and solid. 

 It's ok if you're not telling yourself that.  Don't give up but please do the self-honesty and self work.

Thank you! I think what makes this so hard for me is that my ex and I both felt that spark too and we talked about it and I thought we were building it into something solid. But something changed along the way. Or maybe nothing changed and that was the issue. I still don't know. All I know is that he left and that it feels like he ripped out my heart and set fire to it. It just sucks to know you are not that important to someone you love deeply. He'd rather go live in Europe alone or whatever than build a solid relationship with a woman he claims he loves. When we met I gave whole speeches about the importance of relationships to me. How I don't take them lightly (any relationship, including friendships, etc.), how I feel like the connections you make are what make life special, especially the one you make with the person you decide to share your life with. He spoke with as much fervor on the subject. So idk. This feels wrong to me, but the decision has been made. I'm just having trouble accepting it right now. 

5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

For example, you initially said that a life partner was "literally all you want." Well, you got a lot of responses that honed in on that statement and I think now you can admit that maybe a life partner is not really ALL you want out of life (though it is certainly an important part). 

Yes thanks for your reply. I agree. I just don't appreciate how people try to characterize you in some way that isn't true based on what they write in a forum about break ups, like saying you're oozing desperation out if every pore lol it's not true and it's not helpful and it actually just makes me feel slightly worse for even having some moments of panic and desperation in the moments I was watching my relationship fall apart. 

And as for it being sad to think that this will be just another experience. That sadness feels overwhelming to me. I've never felt like this before after a breakup. And I have experience as well. You know? It just hits different. And I feel really hurt because despite having reservations I really felt loved and wholly accepted by this man. 

6 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

No problem that you don't agree.  We'll just agree to disagree.

I am however very interested to hear what your therapist has advised you with all this "tons of therapy"?  What does s/he say about all of these issues? Has your depression been treated? If not, why not?

I was diagnosed with situational depression several years ago and I did talk therapy for that, in person, every week. I stopped going after it was no longer needed (as was decided by my therapist and I). I started going again about a month or two ago by Better Help to deal with the stress and anxiety that I was feeling about transitioning out of law school and my relationship. It took me a while to find a therapist I liked there. I actually have an appointment today with my therapist. I encouraged my ex to go to therapy (which I'm pretty sure contributed to our demise lol). 

I think people come to this forum for certain kinds of responses and we give whatever information will get those responses. Obviously none of you know me. None of you know how I am on a daily basis or how I act when I'm with someone I love. I can assure you I am not running around in desperation trying to get affection or however it is you envision me. When I feel desperate and I want to get those feelings out, I come here lol so literally all you read about my life come from me in my moments of desperation. So your little diagnosis is just wrong because it's based in incomplete information. And anyway, the reason for this break up has to do with him wanting to go live in Europe or do whatever. Relationships are just not as important to him as they are to me. For him, traveling around is the most important thing I guess. 

And just fyi a lot of the pathetic things I said is just part of my grieving process. I'm still feeling like s**t. Having a hard time coping. But getting better. I saw him today and it felt great and also sucked. It sucks to have someone tell you how great you were to them and how much of a positive impact you have had as they pack up their stuff and leave you. He said "we had great times" -- like that hurts me. I didn't get into a relationship so we could have some great times for a while and then go our separate ways. And it just seems like that's all it was to him. Some great times. 😥 Idk. I just feel this like a true loss almost like a death. Other breakups felt like a loss and a gain but this feels like just a loss. I feel like s**t. 

On 12/26/2021 at 2:41 PM, Capricorn3 said:

When reading this, I can only strongly advise you look into some professional counseling/therapy to help you through this if you're clearly at the point that you can't cope.  You need help (imo).

"Why can't I find my life partner? That is literally all I want. Everyone always leaves."

If everyone always leaves, then I would say that you're the common denominator.  Also, one gets a strong sense of desperation on your side and that alone is enough to make people leave.  Your desperation literally oozes out of every pore and it's not an attractive trait to have - it makes people run.

Again, I would recommend therapy to help you figure why and where all this is coming from. I think you would benefit from it.

Thanks. I don't really agree. I have done tons of therapy. And I am doing therapy. And I don't feel desperate. I was desperate to save this relationship maybe. But that's because I felt something strongly about it. Maybe I sound desperate on this forum but that's because this is where I come to let out my raw emotions. So, I don't know. I don't think this is accurate. Maybe based on the post it is, but the post was written literally right after we broke up and I was feeling super ***ty. 

On 12/26/2021 at 2:59 PM, boltnrun said:

I decided to stop dating altogether until I figured out why I was not only choosing awful men, but why I was convinced I "loved" those men.  Obviously there was something wrong with my "picker".  

I was choosing men based on who approached me instead of dating slowly and deciding if they were right for me.  So I've stayed away from dating and really started thinking about what kind of man I wanted instead of what kind of status I wanted for myself.  To explain, instead of deciding "I want to be in a long term relationship." I changed it to "I want to be in a long term relationship WITH THE RIGHT MAN".  And yes, there is a big difference.  We can't just attach ourselves to whomever agrees to be in a relationship with us.  We do need to be picky and be sure the person we're allowing into our lives is a good person who matches with us in important ways.

Your ex was not a good match, and I know you know this.  

I agree with some of this. Everyone tells you you need to be alone to love yourself and blah blah. Idk. Maybe my picker is off or whatever that means. But I did tell my ex when we met I was looking for the man I was going to marry. I told him not to waste his time if he was not interested in something serious down the line. I was seeing a couple of other men when we met as well and was dating around. It's not like he just approached me one day and the next we were in a relationship. 

And honestly. I feel like we were a good match. I just think he has his own personal things he needs to work through. Things I was willing to help him work through. 

On 12/26/2021 at 4:54 PM, Jibralta said:

Agree. You told us about a couple big red flags that you ignored, and they were really big ones (the marriage thing, unemployment, finances). I am sure there were probably smaller warnings that you overlooked as well. This is not to rub salt in your wound. It's to point out that you got tunnel vision about this one goal and that's at least part of the reason you're in so much pain right now.

I get this. Makes sense from what I've posted. But also, I post here only about my problems! I don't come here and tell you about all the wonderful times we had and etc. When I met him I didn't have tunnel vision. I knew I wanted to have a life partner one day and that was it. I didn't really want to be in a relationship at that point bc I was starting law school etc. We took it slow for a while. But it felt so right. And it still felt right. And him leaving feels wrong. And it hurts. I know I've said a lot of stupid *** on here about how I never find someone that stays. But really. It's this one that really hurts. 

I have never felt like this before. I am worried about myself and my ability to get through this life anymore. It seems like I try so hard and I can't ever just find the happiness I want for myself. I can't help feeling I did something wrong and I hate that because I know I didn't. What the *** is wrong with me 

54 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Everyone always leaves you? So, you've been through this a number of times..

As you mentioned, he is a manchild, so is not something you'd want to tolerate forever anyways.. He's gone now?  Good then, you can take your time to work on accepting & healing from this guy.. and move on with your life.. to something better, in time, I'm sure.

Sure, for many we would like to have someone to be with forever.  But, sadly, for many it doesn't happen 😕 . Been there a few times as well.

But, for now I am not even looking.  I became mentally & emotionally exhausted.  if you're like this, then is best to just lay low for a good while and focus on you.

I have been on my own about 3 yrs and am okay with that.  No expectations or pressures and no heartache 😉 .

So, be kind to yourself.  Take it one day at a time and hang out more with friends/family.

 

 

Yes I've been through this before. But this feels so different. I am just mentally and emotionally burnt out. And all I want is for him to hold me while I process this and it sucks. He was my support system throughout law school and now it's gone and I feel like I crumbled. I'm just having a hard time like getting through it all 

3 hours ago, bluemax44 said:

Try and keep yourself busy, have you got any friends/family you can see? Any tasks around the house that need doing? Put some positive music on, speak positively to yourself. You have to participate in your own emotional rescue. 

Yes I am with my brother. But I have to speak to him tomorrow to deal with splitting up our things. I feel so defeated. I know I need to participate but I'm having such a hard time with this. I am surprised at myself. I am struggling. 

I'm having a really hard time coping 😥

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Jump for joy that you  finally got rid of this parasite. The best Christmas present is now you're free to meet and date decent men.

 

😂 Can always count on your for wisdom 

9 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain. It's only temporary, I promise (although it will definitely last longer than you want it to). 

I think you have to take a deep breath and a big step back. Look at your contribution to the situation that you're in and learn from it.

Dias makes a good point:

It's not enough to want to get married and settle down. You have to make good choices in order increase your chance of success. Sure, some people get lucky and fall into lifelong loving relationships. But most people have to put a lot of work into it finding the right person--and that means taking out the trash. You can't "make it clear" "up front" about what you want in the relationship and then turn your brain off. 

I went back and looked at your post from September. You were blithely ignoring a lot of red flags. He was unemployed. He let his dad support him. You're uncomfortable talking about money (that's on you!). He literally told you that he wasn't getting what he wanted out of the relationship--and that is the really alarming part because you just ignored it:

That's the point where you should have slammed the brakes on and said, "What?!?!?"

Also, you can't get mad because he put his best foot forward in the beginning of the relationship. Literally everybody does that. You can't let yourself get carried away. Just look what happens when you do: two years down the drain with a manchild because he 'seemed like a man who had his sht together.' Meanwhile, you had no idea how he supported himself and didn't care to ask because you weren't married. Bad move. You can't bank your matrimonial future on the first few glorious months. You have to keep doing your homework and weed out the moochers early on.

If you don't want a repeat of this disappointment, you have to change your behavior. I hope you start feeling better soon and get back out there.

I agree with all of this. I mean, I definitely ignored red flags. What I wanted was for him to step up a bit. I was very busy with school and it seemed easier to have him around making my meals and things so I think that played a role in the blindness as well. I'm not mad at him for putting his best foot forward in the beginning. I am a little upset though that he knew he didn't want to settle down the entire time and he made it seem like he wanted to in the beginning. Seems super selfish. He is 32. He shouldn't be able to just galavant around and *** up people emotionally and run away to daddy whenever it gets to be too much. I understand I made a lot of mistakes that led me here. I saw so much potential in him, a lot of people do, so it's frustrating to see someone waste talent that way.

Anyway, what do I do in the future? All the men I've been involved with seem to have red flags here or there. How am I supposed to know which flags are deal breakers and which ones are not? I have yet to meet someone who is red flag free. So idk. It is just exhausting. I'm sure a lot of you understand. I'm just exhausted. I do feel like I'm a good person with good values and a good heart and I just want something so simple lol someone to count on. I am fine alone. I know I am. But damn, it's so much nicer to share life with someone else. And I feel like I deserve that. So idk I feel like a Hallmark movie rn lol 

So I can't find one because I want one?