BoredUp

lonliness is starting to kick in. i have NOBODY to come home to. i secretly wish you'd surprise me by just showing up at the airport or something. the times i want to call you are times my head is screaming that i "NEED" you. i don't. and that's selfish and weird anyway. i don't understand why my brain keeps thinking that. sometimes i wish i would just act on my feelings. other times i'm glad we can just move on. we had closure and everything. i'm not sure why i have this nagging feeling of something's not right, if we just reached out, we'd figure it out. i think it's the broken promise of friendship that's holding me back. my brain just isn't grasping that someone that loved me promised me something and decided not to follow through. totally... rude. insane. frustrating. whatever. time will heal everything. *patiently waits*

No, you're right. Let's not be friends. First of all, if I moved on and you knew about it, I know it would destroy you. Secondly, I really don't need the drama. I don't miss it at all. I thought about calling you when I was having a crisis moment. And then I remembered... if you came over... it would go something like this: sit outside, stare at each other, awkwardly, smoke alot of cigarettes, waste alot of time, go absolutely nowhere, solve absolutely nothing, gain absolutely nothing useful or happy or positive or anything at all, just basically exist together. Which isn't horrible really, the smoking and the whining was. So yeah. I'm good. It's been about 5 weeks. Feels like a long time ago, which is great that I'm finally at that point. I'm not even sure what I miss anymore really. It's healthier this way and there's absolutely no chance we'll be friends. I absolutely get it now. It doesn't make it hurt any less though. You PROMISED me. It would've been at least sort of cool if you TRIED to keep that promise... i don't know, to show integrity or something. But you're right. I don't need to try with you just to watch us fail. I know how the story goes and ends and all that jazz. Have fun and good luck.

wow, it's almost been 3 weeks. i'm finally at the point where i know you're not going to contact me. i was very firm when we broke up not to contact me in any form. i was worried about you stalking me and i was operating on a high level of stress. you're probably mad at me for being so rude about it, whenever i try to put myself in your shoes, i feel like you absolutely hate me and it's messing with my head. but ok, after giving it considerable thought. i was patient, i was firm, i tried extremely hard. i want to say i tried my best, but i know i messed up sometimes and wasn't perfect and that messes with my head also. i know how crazy immature i've managed to be in the past... with other relationships. there might have been crazy immature points in this relationship too, but nothing on the levels of where i used to be at, those really embarrassing points, the ones you regret for the rest of your life. i can't let my past behavior make me feel horrible about this relationship. no, because in this relationship, i was enough. i wasn't perfect, but i was enough. i was gentle enough, i was caring enough, i know i just wanted to make you happy and was genuinely thrilled if you showed any signs of happiness, i tried enough. this is enough, i don't have to keep beating myself up. you hate me because of your own personal issues and insecurities. you can't be friends with me because you're incapable of being friends with even your own family members. you won't see a bright side or any benefits of having a friend that's been through some similar tough experiences as you, because... you just don't think that way, see a bright side or need friends to be happy, you're fine being alone, you never did reach out, you never will reach out, it's just the way you are. i wonder what you're thinking. i mean, we agreed we'd be friends "no matter what". so, you know i'm out there wondering all sorts of stuff. i wonder if you know how much i'm out there beating myself up. i wonder if that makes you happy. i can't help but to come to that conclusion. it probably makes you feel extremely content, secure and in control somehow. well, have fun with that then, i guess. i'll try to move along here as quickly as humanly possible, now that i know what you say and promise means absolutely nothing... or worse, takes the backseat to your... issues.

watched 50 Shades of Grey. I'm so thankful you always told me you loved me before making love to me... and how you'd patiently wait for me to acknowledge it before continuing.

ugh! FIGHT for me. i don't understand why the whole time we were together, we were saying no matter what, we'd stay friends, then you just go silent. i'm pretty sure you're 60% hurt and 40% just want to hurt me back. well, good job. i'm not going to beg you to be my friend or anything. i'm definitely not going to contact you no matter what. *grits teeth*

After feeling really mopey and pathetic, I decided to reread my breakup letter to you. That was a great idea. Instead of being all pathetic, I just want to move on. It obviously wasn't working and was just plain miserable. Why am I even having such a hard time with this? You didn't know how to touch me, you didn't know how to talk to me, you didn't know how to make me happy, you wasted my time, you made me uncomfortable, you had no concept of personal space, you're clingy, needy, whiny, insecure, a good portion of our time together was sitting around passive aggressively smoking cigarette after cigarette, we didn't know how to fix anything, we couldn't productively talk about anything, you just saw me as just some object, some game piece, someone to compete with, someone to one-up. You didn't want to fight for me, you didn't want to defend yourself, you're holding the friend card over my head, I know you better... you don't even give your own family the time of day. Why would I expect anything more to come of this? Why am I even remotely expecting an apology or any sense of bravery from your end? Why do I have to rehash this stuff over and over and give myself that 1% of hope? Hope for what exactly?

seeing people holding hands while out and about today made me miss being in a relationship. watching people on tv support one another through their severe sicknesses and give each other hugs from behind was so endearing. it makes me wish i had that. i think at one point we were aiming for that. i think at one point i actually believed you'd be that for me. but as time went on, i could see how selfish you were when i came to you with anything. i would get no response or you'd yawn or change the subject. horrible. i picture your face when our friend broke her tooth sometimes. you weren't compassionate at all, you were grossed out. i've seen you make that face numerous times too. the question on my mind lately is "are we going to be friends" or not. i know it's only been a week, but it feels like that window is getting smaller and smaller as time goes by. we said we were going to be friends no matter what. i have a feeling you won't keep your word. that's fine. your actions were always inconsistent with your words anyway. it'll just prove to me that i was right about you and it'll help me move on.

what i learned about insecure losers: if you invite them to your home and they're looking through your stuff, acting all jealous, helping themselves to your things, trying to be in a competition with you, etc... they're not only just plain insecure, sad and annoying... they're basically telling you and showing you that they now see you as an object, like some sort of game piece. obviously if they cared about you as a person, they wouldn't violate you like that. this is now going to be a deal-breaker for me. i've now seen it one too many times from all sorts of different people, all walks of life. it's just plain rude and a total character flaw, there's no excuse. especially when you come into a single woman's private space. any real man should know this.

self centered people suck, don't they? i'm sure they're not giving anyone new any more attention and the new person will leave them after they see their true colors also. self centered losers will generally stay that way, people don't change much.

hahahaha!

Guess I was just a sex object to you.