OneManGal

I put up the Christmas decorations in my new apartment tonight. I was doing ok until I started unwrapping the collection of santas and all the memories came back. For some reason I thought about your mom and completely broke down. I want to call her so badly and tell her how much I appreciated everything she did to make this time of year so special for us. In some ways losing her as a (almost) mother in law is just as hard as losing you. When we split up the Christmas stuff I made the mistake of keeping all the Christmas cards she wrote us (and the thank you cards, the thanksgiving cards, the Halloween cards...). Even in my darkest days I know I'll find happiness with another man again but I don't think I'll ever find a better mother in law. Is it breaking NC if I send her a Christmas card? Part of me would do it in the hopes that you might see it and your feelings would soften toward me but I also want to tell her how much she meant to me. With everyone around me getting in the holiday spirit the last few days have been really hard. I'm steadfast in my decision not to contact you and I have no plans to change that but I still wish you would give me another chance. Do you think about me at all? I know the kind of person you are and I bet when you decided to move on you never looked back. I wish I could do that. Maybe I only feel this way because I'm sad and still miss my old life. Maybe I'm still holding out hope for the fantasized version of you I always wanted. But if I didn't miss YOU why would I still be sitting here bawling in front of a computer 6 months after I left? I left. I did it for a good reason but I wish I didn't actively have to remind myself that each day.

Why can't I stop thinking about you? Are you having the same feelings or have you moved on? I'm dreading the holidays this year and that's a shame because it's my absolute favorite time of the year. We were both great at Christmas and I always looked forward to spending the season with you. How are you feeling now? I'm sorry I was so emotional the last time we talked. I knew what you were going to say but hearing the words stung so much. It's been nearly 3 weeks since you told me you had no interest in trying again and it has been really hard to accept. I know I'm the one who left in the first place but I feel like I made a terrible mistake. I keep trying to trick myself into thinking I'm over it and we can move forward and be friends but it's really just an excuse so that I can contact you in some way. I haven't done it (nor will I) but I want to so badly. I want to respect your decision and I don't want to turn into that pesky ex who won't leave you alone. I'm trying my best to move forward with my life but some days I just don't want to. Most days I stay busy and have a positive outlook about the future but today is not one of those days. I keep thinking about how one day I'll forget almost everything about you. I won't remember the sound of your voice or your laugh. I'll forget all your mannerisms and the quirks that make you unique. I'll forget what your body looks like and how it felt when you held my hand. Is it possible that one day I won't even remember your name? I have this nightmare that I'll be telling someone about the guy I dated in my twenties and I'll have a moment where I just completely blank on your name. I know that won't happen but these are the thoughts that make the pain unbearable sometimes. Did I not expect to feel these things when I broke up with you? I guess you really don't know what you've got until it's gone. I hope you're doing well and that you're excited about your future. I hope you have fun on your Christmas trip with your parents (I wish I could see them again). I really do hope we can be friends someday.

Hi D, I want to call you...I guess that's why I'm here, isn't it? I miss you tremendously. I don't want to come off as desperate but I also don't want to walk away from this thinking that I wasn't crystal clear about how much you mean to me and how much I want us to try again. I guess I have to accept the fact that nothing I do or say can make you change your mind. I wouldn't want a desperate plea to be the thing that pushes you to give me another chance anyway...I'd want you to be sure about your feelings before we try anything. We're in a good place right now and I don't want to mess it up by making you suffer through my emotions anymore. This would probably just push you away further and ruin our chances of a future friendship. I know the best thing for both of us is to move on but I can't seem to let you go yet. How do I stop my mind from drifting back to all of the great times we had together? Every time I blink there is a mental snapshot of a vacation or just a nice, quiet moment at home. Oh how I miss our home. When I am able to bring my mind back to the present day it starts to wonder about you and your thoughts. Are you completely over me? It sure seems so. Why exactly do you not want to try again? Have you met someone new? The thought of you being happy with someone else is devastating to me right now. I hope someday the idea of your happiness does not cause me so much pain. 8 years is a long time.