Ellie

I feel like you've won, because you always win...but this time I can't let you win. I know I was the one that left you. But I left you because I couldn't deal with the emotional and mental abuse. I couldn't deal with walking on eggshells and losing my confidence. But now all I feel is hurt: I'm lost, I'm confused and I miss all the good times and I wake up crying thinking about you with someone else and it hurts so so much that I (even though I hate myself for it) sometimes regret my decision to leave. I wanted to be the one that was happy with you, the one that married you, I wanted it all so badly but it was too messed up. I'm only 21 and I shouldn't have to deal with your immaturity, selfishness, excessive drinking, breaking the law...you said you loved me, but you support and care for the ones you love - you don't hurt them. Sometimes I want to cry, sometimes I want to laugh and jump for joy that I can do what I want without thinking about how you'll react. I'm so lost and confused and hurt and I'm scared. I hear all the rumours. I know you're already getting with someone else - its been 2 weeks. I feel jealous and hurt and it makes me want to break down. I should be thinking about when you argue with her, when you ignore her, when you threaten to leave her for having male friends - and she'll cry because you seemed so perfect at first, you seemed to be perfect and have your life in order. And the emotional roller coaster that is a relationship with you will begin. Why do I hurt so much when it was you who pushed me to leave this in the first place? Why do I miss the perfect times when the horrible times outweighed them? To be honest I wish I could just talk to you forever, try to work everything out. But that's selfish and wrong of me and I should try to move on without you. I still remember your face when I left and I want to hug you and I want it to be ok, but it's never going to be ok. You said it was wrong of me to make you fall in love with me? You'll never understand. You don't understand emotions. I miss your smile, your laugh, our jokes, the fun, the intimacy....is it worth it though? Sometimes I get lost in the good things and forget what you were like. Why couldn't you have been the man I thought you were in the first place? Why am I still crying? Why did you turn out to be a spoilt, hurtful child? and why do I still miss you?