wellswomyn

i love performing oral sex on my girlfriend, too. i think the whole excuse of "cleanliness" is bogus, and guys just don't want to do their part. it's not like penises smell great either! lol

however, perhaps you need to get him over his hesitation. try to shower together before sex, that way he knows you will smell nice, and maybe even use some scented body soap. let him wash you. when things start heating up, don't be afraid to say, all breathy and erotic, 'will you go down on me?'. no shame in asking, right?

i agree that you should keep trying to have one on your own. i don't know of any woman who can have an orgasm with a partner but not on her own, whereas i know several women who can only have them alone.

maybe the vibrator you tried was the wrong kind for you. i am a firm believer in a variable speed (which gets progressively more intense as you turn it up, as opposed to 1 or 2 set speeds) and use LOTS of lube. KY jelly works okay which you can get in most stores, but i prefer the stuff you can only get from sex stores, such as 'WET'. Do it alone, lights some candles, send your boyfriend away for the night. take your time, and if it doesn't happen, just try it again another night. and another night.

dear guitargirl,

i think you are already in the right mindset to deal with this. you obviously have thought this through, and from reading your post i get the impression that you are sure about your sexuality. for a lot of teens, not knowing for sure can be harder than the actual coming out part, because once you know who you are it is much easier to figure out how to share that part of yourself with the ones you love. rest assured that you are not alone in this, and there are lots of really great resources for you. i would suggest going to link removed which is the site for "Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays". they have some brochures you could even download to help your parents understand what you are going through. i also think that a big key ingredient you are missing is peers. look around in your area for support groups or social groups of other lesbians. it will be much easier for you to come out if you have some supports to lean on. one place for you to find friends in your area is to go to link removed. when i was coming out i was at this site for hours every night after my parents went to sleep, looking for support. in fact, i found a lot of good advice just at the aol chat rooms! another place you can look for resources is your local library. there are hundreds of books that deal with coming out, with everything from personal stories to helpful suggestions.

i wish you luck! and just to make you feel better, i know hundreds of lesbians, and NONE of them would rather be straight. it's important to love yourself, and embrace every aspect of who you are.

with love,

kim

lerxst,

There are soooo many things out there that she will enjoy. There are two rules that you MUST follow when shopping for vibrators:

1) It has to be something she finds attractive, otherwise she won't feel comfortable enough to use it. (i.e. don't get something that is shaped like a duck or something stupid like that.)

2) It MUST have a variable speed control, such as a dial that turns and makes the vibrations progressively more entense as you turn it. Anything with only one or two speed options is just no good.

Keep in mind that if you choose something that is designed for penetration, it will still work like a charm for external stimulation as well. Plus you have the added bonus of exploring penetration if she chooses.

Let me point you in the right directions: link removed

This website specializes in female products, and has lots of information. They are friendly and discreet, and I highly suggest them. They ship almost anywhere, and you can't tell where the package is from, so don't worry about your nosey neighbors.

Have fun!

Fille,

Don't get too bogged down with that definition. There are many different definitions of "bisexual". Some think that if you are aroused by another woman, that makes you bi. Others think that if you sleep with another woman, even once, that makes you bi. Still others think that you are only really bi if you have had longterm relationships with both sexes.

One definition I think works best is this: "Bisexuality: The potential for physical, romantic or emotional attraction to more than one gender."

I think that what your boyfriend means when he says he is bisexual is that he is attracted to both men and women. However, this does not mean he wants to jump into bed with the first guy that comes his way.

I hope this answers your question on definitions.

~Kim

ps- Sigmund Freud believed that everyone was inherently bisexual, and that we just chose which attractions to act on!

Rhiannon,

I agree that your fiance loves you very much. It sounds like you have great communication, and are so close that you feel comfortable enough to have these uncomfortable discussions.

That being said, it sound like perhaps he is curious about his attraction to other guys. I think it is totally normal for people to be attracted to someone that they don't typically consider 'their type', and same-sex attractions are not all that uncommon even for heterosexuals. Maybe you could reassure your fiance that having these attractions does not make him gay, they are only part of his complex set of desires, (which also include you.)

There are lots of ways for him to explore these attractions, without physically acting on them. You could try buying him a gay porn movie that you could watch together. Role playing is, in my opinion, a healthy way to explore other attractions without leaving the monogomy of a relationship. If you are comfortable with it, you could use toys that would allow you both to further explore each others sexual desires. You could check out link removed for some information on both toys and role playing. It is entirely possible that once he knows he can explore this side of his sexuality with you, he will not feel the need to go elsewhere.

Good luck!

yaya,

I agree, you have a lot to deal with right now. Do you really want to have this baby? Maybe you can go to your local planned parenthood to talk with a counselor about how to talk to your parents about it, when you need to see a doctor, what kinds of vitamins you should be taking, and give you some information about adoption if that is something you might consider. No matter how mature you are, you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Having a child will make you lose out on your own young life, no matter how much help/support you have in raising it. Are you really prepared for this?

email me if you want help finding someone local to talk with. I'm good at finding resources!

I wish you strength to make the right desision about your life.

As for the feelings you are having for your friend, right now you need to focus on yourself, not on a new relationship. Surround yourself with friends who love you. The rest will come in time.

~Kim

Ever since I graduated from college, I have also felt isolated. The friends that I used to be really close with all seem to have become just casual email buddies, who will send me a forward or two a year. It's sad how that happens. I recently decided to stop pursuing any friendship that felt one-sided. Since then, I have tried to make new friends. I took a language class that met once a week, and although it was only 8 weeks long I actually made a good friend there. We make a point of getting together every wednesday morning for coffee before work. I have also tried to create places in my community where I feel like a 'regular', such as where i get coffee, or lunch, or where i hang out. even though I don't have friends there, it's a nice feeling to be recognized where i go. makes me feel more connected.

It's probably a little easier for me since I'm a woman, but I know how you feel nonetheless.

Anyway, I would suggest taking a class that interests you, whether it be art, photography, french lessons, whatever peaks your interest. Chances are you will find people there who you can relate to, and it's a nice way to make new friends.

Take care!

Clarabel,

My parents had four kids together and got along pretty well. They never fought, were always polite, and treated us well. However, they were simply going along with the flow, not really doing what made them happy. One day, my mother had a revelation: She would be a better mother to us and a better friend to my father if she was truly happy herself. She and my father separated, and my mother began a relationship with another woman. It was really hard for a couple of years for all of us to figure out how to make things work and how to interact, but we did. I'm sure it was really scary for my mother, not knowing what was going to happen, but your life can only be as fulfilling as you let it be.

I think the key for you right now is not so much to focus on this other woman, but figure out if you are truly happy and fulfilled with your partner. This is where your focus should be. If you two don't complement each other well enough, than trust that there is someone out there truly meant for you. Everyone deserves to be the happiest version of themself that they can be, even you.

Good luck with everything.

~Kim

ripcurl,

I don't know if you are still checking this board, but I have some suggestions for you...

I think it would be helpful if you knew how she felt about other gay people first. Why don't you suggest renting a movie that has a lesbian theme, that way you can talk about the topic without revealing your own desires right away. One movie you could rent is called "Bound" and it has Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon, two straight actresses who actually have some great chemistry together on the set. Tell her you heard it was a good movie and worth checking out.

During the course of the movie, you could just casually say something like "i've always wondered what it would be like to be with another girl". Stay away from words like "lesbian/gay/bi" as these would probably make you feel nervous saying them in front of her.

You could also tell her you thought the kiss between Britney and Madonna was hot. That would be a good conversation starter.

The key right now is to figure out where she stands. Even if you decide not to persue your best friend, it would be nice to know if you can count on her for support if you start to experiment with other girls.

Not knowing how old you are makes it a little hard to give any more advice, but I really hope this helps a little.

Write back if you are still in need.

Take care,

Kim

Skye,

I think you are more brave than you give yourself credit for. It takes a lot of guts to even acknowledge that you have these feelings, and the fact that you posted them here, for all of us to read, really proves how brave you are. I know that we are lucky in the US for having some safe places to explore these issues, but luckily you have access to some of them as well. I remember being 13 and confused and craving the company of others like me. I didn't know where to look for support/answers, and I was quite alone for a long time. Some websites you will find helpful are:

link removed

link removed

Do not focus on labels right now-- you are who you are, and ultimately labels will only box you in. Attraction is a funny thing- you can't predict or influence who you will be attracted to. Just go with it, and explore it to whatever extent makes you happy.

As for what cues to look for in identifying other gay people, I can tell you a few things that we use here in the US, but they may differ in your country. Here, a rainbow flag is a symbol of gay/lesbian/bi pride and community. So is a labrys (double edged axe used by Amazon women) and a lambda (greek letter "L"). I would suggest finding some online community that could help you find better ways to locate others like you. link removed could probably be your best bet right now.

Good luck!

~Kim