RuedeRivoli

We no longer have COVID restrictions over here, so from what I heard, everything is back to "normal" and I based my time frame on that. I don't have a car myself, so I had to rely on public transportation. Waiting 45 minutes for a cab when I live in the city center is unheard of. I often use cabs to get places including the airport at all hours of the day or night and the longest wait time ever experienced was 20 minutes. I should have left 3-4 hours before the flight, but I think I relied on my past experiences. I spent a lot of money on the flights and hotel, so while I was reluctant to go on this trip, losing money is not something I'm willing to do voluntarily (i.e.: by missing a flight). I'm quite conservative with my finances in general, so this write-off is quite a pain. I'm not going to lie, I feel a bit relieved I didn't fly today, but the financial write-off is not great (even if I didn't voluntarily miss the flight).

Thank you, everyone. So, it appears the odds were working against me anyway because I ended up missing my flight this morning despite my best efforts to get to the airport on time. I live 10 minutes away from the airport and left 2.5 hours before the 10am flight because I had no check-in luggage. I was met with a stroke of bad luck: the pre-booked shuttle arrived at the stop early, so I missed it, then I booked a taxi which made me wait for 40 minutes and subsequently cancelled on me and I tried to book another one, but it was 30 minutes away and stuck in traffic, which would have been too tight to go through security etc... as I would have arrived to the airport 15 minutes before the gate closure. I've been traveling alone since I was 18 and never had a single issue of the sort. Never missed a single flight or got stood up by a taxi driver. I therefore lost £100 on this flight + £50 for tonight's Airbnb, which annoys me to the core. I got rebooked on a flight tomorrow, so ultimately, I will only be there for 2 days. I should have known this trip was already starting on the wrong foot from how she got me worked up yesterday. I don't have many friends (I actually have no friends), so no one to confide in really. I will certainly look into starting therapy once I've recovered from the above financial write off. The reason why I'm going is also due to the fact that once I promise something to someone, I never go back on my promise even if it means sacrificing my own well-being. I know my siblings are looking forward to seeing me and I would feel really bad letting them down. Of course, they're not my responsibility, but they're still my siblings. These past 3 days which were supposed to be days off, have been a mental drain, from re-planning the trip on Saturday, to her getting me worked up yesterday and me missing my flight today, I'm about to have a meltdown because my life was so stable before this whole situation unfolded and now I've lost all peace of mind (in addition to unnecessary financial write-offs).

I'm pretty sure she will bring my mood down instantly, there's no doubt on that. I was in a happy / stable mood today (aside from the bursts of anxiety when thinking of her) until I rang her and I suddenly was filled with anger and tears. I was active and after my call with her, I just sat there for three hours zoning out and thinking about how angry I am. I lost track of all I needed to do. We're all grieving, but for some reason, she thinks her pain and feelings trump everything else. You're right to be pessimistic. We were talking on the phone the other day and she told me about some issue my brother experienced and she said: "Not to make you feel guilty or anything, but if you'd been here, you would have been able to help him". She tries to make me feel guilty and bad about myself at every turn. I'm really wishing I had died instead of my dad, that would have freed me from this nightmare with her. I'm actually contemplating moving somewhere where there is a significant time difference (we're talking 6+), in order to avoid all dealings with her. I'm literally on the verge of dropping everything and starting elsewhere far far away because even though we don't live in the same country, we're still on the same continent and a 1h time difference isn't enough distance. I had this one dream of moving to Australia or Canada for years, but was too much of a chicken. If I could now, I would in a heartbeat. I've no hope otherwise because my mental health has significantly declined since she was forced back into my life and if I remain in this dynamic with her, it won't end well at all (referring to the negative thoughts I mentioned earlier).

I agree. As long as I keep projecting my expectations onto her based on "one would think", I'll keep getting disappointed.

It's true. She is like a cannonball. To be honest, all day today, I kept stressing out about having to face her in person (that was before the disastrous call I mentioned above and I hadn't spoken to her in a week). Then, I start thinking about how I'm feeling trapped with her and might be for the next 30 years and my anxiety starts shooting to the roof. I'm staying at an Airbnb (I used hotel room term as generic), but the cancellation fees are pretty hefty (50% of the full stay fee, plus cleaning fee, plus first night). I'll wind up writing off a great portion of the full amount (£300). My flights are OK as I used a flexible option.

How?

I'm never going to disclose information on my personal life to her ever again. I never ever got a positive reaction on anything with her. You're right, at this point, I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve sharing personal positive news. I don't know if I'm subconsciously trying to get validation from her, but she's a lost cause, it's crystal clear. There's a clear pattern. She grew up an orphan and you would think that the day an orphan has a family of their own, they would cherish it to the best of their abilities, but no in her case, unfortunately.

I'm mainly going to see my siblings because one of them specifically is doing really badly emotionally (he experienced a lot of trauma last year on top of my dad's death) and I want to see him along with my two sisters. That's the main reason that is making me go at this point. The paperwork thing turned out to be an excuse. It appears the mortgage is almost paid off (only a few months left) and of course, she only revealed that to me this week when I've been asking her for a month about information on the outstanding mortgage and she said I need to come sort it out and work the mortgage protection out. By the time she revealed this to me, the flights and hotel were already booked. She withholds information purposefully and only reveals it when it's convenient for her.

Thank you @Jibralta and @Batya33 You are right, my expectations are highly unrealistic. I really thought me not speaking to her for 6 years would have made her appreciate me more (or at least, made her change her reactions), but she has not changed one bit. It's the same story each time I give her the news of something positive about me and of course, this triggers me each time. The worst part is that I was almost feeling "positive" about going because I'll see my younger siblings, but I obviously now got reminded there is a price to pay which is having to deal with her in person. I need to come to the life-long conclusion that she will never act like the mother I truly want and I'm not sure I want to bring this dynamic back into my life. When we were no contact, I never experienced any feeling of rage - I was a peaceful and calm person. Now, this feeling of internal rage which I thought I had banished from my life when I cut her off is coming back in full force and it is not a good thing, especially as I keep thinking about her reactions over and over again. This dynamic is going to eat my life away if I allow it to.

I am going to lose my mind. I'm enraged and crying as I'm tying this. She pulled the same narcissistic BS she always pulls. Whenever something good happens, she brings me down by saying something negative or shifting the conversation back to herself. I called her today to tell her I will be visiting this week (against my better judgment). I will be there for three days and staying at a hotel. I rang her today to tell her my itinerary, she didn't ask me how I'm doing or anything, as soon as I rang, she used her "I'm tired of life voice". She didn't even show any enthusiasm at the idea of me coming tomorrow or anything. I said I would be flying in the morning and will more than likely drop at the hotel before going to her place. Her immediate response was: "You dad died, what can we do. You know, I've been feeling bad all day because of your father, I'm so sad". She annoyed me to the core. Her daughter (whose life she made an utter misery for years) is finally speaking to her and visiting her after 6 years of NC and she turned the conversation back around to her and her pain. No enthusiasm, nothing. I cut the call short and said, I'm sorry I have to get ready, I don't have time to speak. It lasted two minutes. I made the mistake of already paying for the hotel. If I hadn't, I would have cancelled the trip altogether.

Thank you, everyone. I spoke to her today and she said I am "obliged" to visit upon my dad's death. She said she doesn't want anything from me except for me to keep in touch with my siblings and visit from time to time. I don't know if she's trying to gaslight me, but the "obliged" bit isn't great.

You're right. I actually realize now that even after I cut her off initially, she never felt the guilt at the thought of what she did to me or the family. The fact that she told me she forgives me for cutting her off because I was "young" clearly means she has no remorse and is still fully at peace with what she did. This is the woman who told me I deserved it when I told her some man called me racial slurs while I was walking down the street. She said I deserved it because I'm not as pious as she is and it was God's punishment. If she never felt guilty about the way she treated me, I don't see why I should feel guilty preserving my mental health. Sometimes I wonder why I feel the guilt when she's never felt any her entire life. Then I realize the guilt isn't towards her, it's towards my dad. I'm not sure as to how my dad would have felt about me cutting her off now that she's down and also I know my siblings are going to start berating me and send me vile emails if I cut her off. They know now where I work. It's also fear that's preventing me from distancing myself from her, not just guilt.

I agree. I really thought I had put her and this behind me and this is another blow. I didn't feel any guilt when I cut her off the first time because the wounds were fresh, but now I certainly would feel the guilt to kick a person when they're down (although I know deep down, it won't be long before she starts mistreating me).

I don't want to prove anything to her at all because I know she's a lost cause. I told her I was working on my driving license (which she barred me from getting it at 18) and she didn't even say "that's great" or anything. She went silent and I then realized she's still the same, jealous, bitter and narcissistic person she's always been. She pretends she wants my success, but every single time I made a positive announcement about any success, she'd always say something bad to tarnish my accomplishment / celebration. She found out what I do for a living via my brother's friend who tracked me on LinkedIn to tell me my dad passed, but that's where it stops. I'm planning on keeping a low profile. I'm not talking about my life at all because I don't want her to know anything about it. As you pointed out, I could be the CEO of a fortune 500, a millionaire who performs TED talks and she'd still make it all about her. She's a lost cause. She always cries on the phone and says my dad left her "all alone", but I honestly feel zero when she cries. It won't be long before she blames me for dad's passing (she'll say he died of heartbreak because I cut them off). Right now, she's in pain, but I know her. My heart breaks if she tells me about my siblings hurting / crying, but her pain seriously leaves me indifferent. I actually told her the other day I need to postpone the trip for a bit because I haven't set foot in that house in 6 years and showing up after six years to see a house without my dad is too much of a shock to handle. I can't. I'll try to sort out the mortgage remotely. My dad isn't even buried over there anyways. I shouldn't have said I'd be flying in the heat of the moment because now she's stuck on it. I just wish I could tell my siblings why I cut her off in the first place and how I can't forgive her for what she's done to my dad, me and our family and that's why I want distance from her. The issue is that my brother has forgiven her and my two sisters don't know anything about her unstable behavior. They defend her tooth and nail because they're all oh so "religious" and I'm the odd one out with a completely different mentality. My dad died, but it doesn't trigger instant grace for her behavior. Those are two separate matters.

Thank you, everyone. This mortgage thing is definitely a burden. My brother says he doesn't know what to do and prefers me to handle. In all fairness, he handled everything else. I have two other siblings of 19 and 20, but they're not yet cut for financial conversations. My dad used to do all the paperwork and my mother never touched a single paperwork her entire life, so she has no clue. I'll try again to sort it out remotely before flying. I keep postponing my flights at the moment so. I'm sure she will find another excuse to ring me every day once the mortgage is sorted. My brother is 25, not 12 and lives with her, so she needs to start relying on him instead of giving him excuses saying "he's too young to handle this". I moved out at 18 to go to college abroad and I had to fend for myself, so she needs to stop babying him to try and reel me in. She keeps trying to manipulate me on the phone saying: "Even when we were estranged, I always prayed for God to keep you happy and safe" when I'm sure she asked my brother to send me a nasty message when I refused to give them money two years ago. My brother sent me a nasty message saying my dad, my mom and the rest of the family were "disappointed" and then he went on a nasty name calling tangent. At the time, I was only in touch with one of my sisters and estranged from the rest of them. They asked me for money through her and I declined because I simply didn't have it. Then my brother proceeded to send me this nasty message, which I assume emanated from my mom in the background because the words he used are words my dad would never ever use. He was not the type to lash out, on the contrary. She was the one with the temper in the family and she'd lash out at me with the same words my brother used in his email which therefore ascertains the fact she did ask him to send me that hurtful message. That was the last interaction before my dad's death. Imagine the last message you got from a now dead parent was communicated through a sibling and it said: "We're very disappointed". Except, I know my dad would never ever say this about me, I know it. My brother meddled and sent me this nasty message using words my mom would always use and included my dad in the mix. I thought of this earlier today and it made me pause for a second. Two years ago, I refused to give money and I was called all sorts of names and dragged through the mud. Suddenly my died dies and I'm the golden child. I'm not buying any of this. She said the other day that my brother and I are now "in charge of the house". I said no, we are 4 children and the other two need to chime in, but she is ultimately the one responsible for the house. She's now putting herself in a "passive" position and is placing an unnecessary burden on me being responsible for something that's not even mine in the first place. If it weren't for the pain and stress she inflicted on him, my dad would still be alive. I saw how she behaved with my dad for years. In the last 10-5 years, when my dad was working himself to death 7 days a week with no life aside from work, she engaged in indiscretions and random fights with him every single day. He could be there having lunch and she'd pick up a fight randomly out of nowhere (she did the exact same with me, except she'd beat me as well). There wasn't a day that went by where she didn't pick up a fight with me or my dad. I can safely assume my dad died heartbroken because of her repeated indiscretions and how she tore the family apart with me cut them off as a result. I'm open to my siblings visiting me, certainly. I want to keep a relationship with my siblings (provided they respect my life choices the same way I respect theirs).

I'll tell her the day before. If I get there and I don't tell her beforehand, for sure, I won't manage to tell her in person. This fear is already ruining my life and I hadn't spoken to her or seen her in 6 years. I thought after such a long time, I'd be able to stand up to her having gained my confidence back away from her, but I find myself reverting back to my old self (the insecure, afraid one). We only got in touch over my dad's passing and I'm already at capacity. No way I'm doing this for another 20-30 years. She's already dictating my schedule and is expecting me to take two weeks off during the summer to go and visit my dad at the cemetery. No need for two weeks to visit someone at the grave and I can't take two weeks in any case. She's just imposing her own agenda. She didn't even ask whether I had a partner or children. I haven't spoken or seen her or anyone in my family in 6 years and no one had any visibility over my life (I have no social media aside from LinkedIn) and she didn't even ask whether I had a partner or children. She automatically assumed I was single (which I am, but still, instead of imposing her agenda, she could have at least asked whether I had personal commitments). This is why I keep thinking of self-harm day in and day out - to escape her, because the next 20 / 30 years, like this, I won't be able to handle. I was absolutely fine without her in my life and now I'm forced to have her back into my life without my active consent, just because of this unfortunate tragedy. It's too much. I was not prepared. The day I cut her off, I thought it would be forever. I'm still angry at my dad for passing away and leaving me with her and angry at the girl who infringed on my privacy by tracking me down on LinkedIn.

No, I'll probably stay two-three days max and will book a hotel. I have to break the news to her, which is a problem in itself. Whenever she makes her demands, I just shut down because she's grieving and I don't want to add more "grief". I just need to gather the courage to open my mouth and say I'm not staying a full week + the hotel bit. If she throws a fit like she once used to, I'm cancelling the trip and we're done. The flights are booked and I've delayed the trip by another 2 weeks due to my workload and inability to take annual leave now, which has bought me some more time.

You're right. I need to see a therapist. I've been looking for one, but with work being a bit strange these days, I'm being conservative with my finances. Once I get her mortgage sorted, I'll start focusing on my mental health. The way I'm going, I won't make it to the end of 2022 without losing my sanity (or whatever is left of it).

Yeah, I'm not planning on keeping her emotional vampirism suck the life out of me once the mortgage issue is sorted. Once I'm certain all is fine with it and they'll keep a roof over their head, I'm done. My siblings can ring me at any time if they want, but the cement that was keeping the family together is gone (my dad), so my inclination to reconnect with her has gone from 0 (when we were estranged) to -1000 (now). If I keep going this way, she's going to hold me back and my life won't be mine anymore.

You're right, I don't have to stay a full week. Truth be told, I reluctantly agreed to a full week because my mother asked and now I feel guilty saying no.

The problem is that the bank will not allow me to discuss financial information on the mortgage over the phone (because I'm not a co-signer) unless my mother shows up as she's the co-signer. When I asked her to go to the bank, she said she doesn't know what to look out for. The whole thing is now left hanging in the air because she says she doesn't know what to do and my brother says he doesn't understand what I'm talking about either. That's the problem. I'm not going to relieve guilt (there might be a bit of this, but not the main reason), I'm really going to sort out the mortgage. I'm really going against my will and every single time I call she says she's only "waiting for me to come visit". She refuses to handle any paperwork that is "too complicated" until I show up. I should have never offered to visit in the first place (I was in panic when my dad first died and I said that in the heat of the moment and she's been holding on to it ever since). The thought of this trip is unbearable.

You're right. Narcissism doesn't cure itself. Narcissistic people are energy vampires trying to reel every single one of their victims into their self-obsessed world. The world revolves around them and their pain. Anything to bring the attention back to them. I spoke to my mother last Wednesday and I told during the call her I'd be busy the rest of the week, so I may not be able to speak to her again during the week (we had already spoken for 2.5h during our Wednesday call, which was more than enough in my opinion). I politely told her not to ring me and let me ring her whenever I get some time. She of course didn't listen and rang me again on Sunday evening. My phone was off because I knew she'd call. Because she didn't manage to catch me on Sunday, she rang me at 9am on Monday when I was at work. I didn't respond, but I thought something urgent had happened, so I rang during my lunch break and her response was: "No, nothing happened, I simply tried to ring last night and your phone was off, so I was worried something had happened to you". Then I politely told her I'm old enough to deal with myself, I'm fine. She knows no boundaries despite me desperately trying to set some. I can't even begin to imagine what she'd be like once I visit. She'll probably expect me to visit once a month (never happening). I didn't speak to her for 6 years and I was doing absolutely fine. My dad passed away, sure, but I don't need someone adding more stress on me by ringing me to "check on me". I survived without her in my life for 6 years, I'll be fine. I'm honestly tired at this point. I told her yesterday at lunch break I'd be visiting in two weeks. Then she rang me again at 8pm to ask me when I'd be visiting despite having already told her at lunch break about my plan to visit in two weeks. I'm pouring from an empty bucket at this point. She cries on the phone every single time we speak but shows no interest in my feelings. It's all about her per usual. I think she senses I'm trying to help and is taking advantage of it. The self-harm thoughts are not getting even worse because things at work aren't great and I feel as though my entire world was flipped upside down as a punishment (for what, I don't know). I'm stuck with her sucking all the energy I have and waiting for me to visit when I don't want to, stuck in a job that's been working me to the bone despite my situation, no partner and no friends. I literally can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I seriously wish that friend of my brother had never tracked me down on LinkedIn to find me - my mother would have never had my number and I would have grieved in peace alone.

I think everyone on this thread pointed it right. She is definitely showing signs of her old ways. If she cries, I have to listen and provide comfort. If I talk about my grief, she moves on to another topic. I talked about how I sensed my dad was going to pass and her response was: "I'm not going to add you what you just said because I'm trying to avoid fights to preserve you". I literally didn't say anything aside from the fact that I kept thinking of my dad passing days before he passed. Then I said: "I'm strong enough, you don't need to preserve me. I don't know what you mean". She couldn't even be bothered to reassure me and say I'm indeed strong. She once again put me down and her responded: "Perhaps, if this is how you feel about yourself". This is exactly what she used to do before. Never paid me a compliment and if I acknowledge my own qualities (such as strength), you can rest assured she'll either negate or ignore. I'm limiting my calls with her to once a week (and she's been told) because every single time, she says something that gets me worked up. I need to learn to get past this, otherwise, I'll lose my mind over every single thing she says.

Oh I'm not looking to get the house at all. I've no interest in the house or any money. I'm flying to get the mortgage protection sorted so she and my siblings can stay in it. She doesn't have an income, so the insurance needs to cover the mortgage at least partially, as I'm worried as to how they'll pay for the mortgage otherwise. That's the only reason why I'm flying. The mortgage they signed had a protection clause and I'm flying to get it sorted. My brother is living with her at 25, so he should absorb some of the mortgage payments because he's ultimately enjoying the premises. She's a co-signer on the house and is the surviving spouse, so of course she gets the house and it's her right to get the house. I've no interest in taking it away from her or have her hand it over to me. None. Truthfully, I've got zero interest in any personal financial gain in this situation. She doesn't have a will, but if she did, she'd leave it all to my brother, I'm sure (also based on religious grounds which stipulate that the male child should get the inheritance- LOL). My brother lives with her still and will probably be supporting her, so I've no issues with that. I've got no skin in the game whatsoever. The only thing I want is for my dad's legacy to remain, but I've no interest in who gets it. I think she wants me to give her attention and her ego is feeding from the attention I'm giving her because I'm the only person in the family who doesn't buy in her BS. She's latching onto me because it feeds her narcissistic ego. That's why she's acting nice now because she's trying to gain sympathy, but I've zero doubt she'll be back to her old ways once enough time has passed. She has real mental health issues and always has, so grief isn't going to improve the situation.

Thank you, @catfeeder I have come to an agreement that I would be the one calling whenever I have some spare time (which for me is going to limit itself to once a week maximum). Sure, the week after my father passed I called everyday to check in and because I wanted to follow up on the funeral and help my brother with paperwork, but now that the funeral has passed, there's no need for me to ring every day. I told her I had my driver license (because before I cut her off, I did not drive) and in her true fashion, no "Congratulations" or "Oh that's great". She did the exact same as when I passed my final college exams, she went silent and changed topics. Actually, when I passed my final college exams, she said: "I don't care". She's already making plans for when I come home (sharing my former bedroom with my teenage sister, providing companionship and specifically asked me to take the full week off). If I visit, I'll book something to stay on my own, visit for a few hours a day and leave. To be honest, I don't even know if I feel comfortable visiting. My dad is not there anymore, so it makes zero sense for me to come and visit her for an entire week to provide "companionship". She already thinks our relationship has been "salvaged" over my dad's death. She's not my concern to be honest because she my dad would have never developed heart problems if it wasn't for the stress and mistreatment she put him under. The worst part is that she makes absolutely no sense. My dad was buried in a third country (meaning not where I live, not where she lives, but somewhere else) and she initially told me he'd be buried somewhere in the mountains. That annoyed me, but I had no say on this. Then on Wednesday I had a call with her and I asked her to give me the exact place where my dad was buried and she said: "Oh no, he was buried in the city, not in the mountains, we had an agreement with someone in your dad's family. The cemetery easily accessible". Then I asked about when she agreed to this and she said: "The day before the funeral". It took her days to tell me the truth about where my dad was buried and I had to ask. She didn't volunteer this information. She keeps concealing information (COVID, the cemetery etc..). I wonder what else she is hiding at this point because not informing your daughter about where exactly her father is buried is inappropriate.