RuedeRivoli

Thank you for your kind words. I have been trying to put my animosity aside to the best extent that I can. It is difficult because she's already showing signs of her narcissism creeping back. For instance, if I talk about how I cried about my dad's passing, she cuts me off and changes the topic altogether to talk about something trivial only to come back to it again to talk about how she cried all day or how my siblings keep hugging her because she's the only parent they have left. We'll see how long her new persona will last, but I don't have much hope, one's true nature always comes back to the surface.

I'm really sorry to hear this. This is an awful thing to say to anyone, let alone to a child. I simply can't understand that such parents don't realize how cruel their behaviors / words are. What is the point of having children if you are going to treat them poorly?

I was 23 at the time. She was an awful mother to say the least. When I was 9, my then best friend visited our house with her mom and after they left, she said looked at me in the eyes and said: "I want you to remember something: in front of people, I will always act like I love you, but in reality, I don't. Keep that in mind". She said that to me out of the blue and it's stuck with me. I've hated her ever since. Nothing will ever change how I feel about her and certainly not after her repeated affairs she dragged me into. All my siblings are over 18. I don't know why all communication is routed through her. She picks up the phone whenever I call. She is very controlling is all I can say. It's true, they did not care about my feelings when my dad was in the hospital. I find it very strange they didn't even try to call. It's what normal people would do. When I asked her why she never called, she said: "I didn't think of it". Logic and empathy are not words I would ever juxtapose next to her name. How did my dad manage to live with her for 32 years when it was an arranged marriage in the first place, I'll never know.

I agree in theory, but I tried to get her to sort out the mortgage protection on the house and she said it was "done" then it turns out it wasn't done. She's no clue what she's on about. I'm only flying for this really. Sure, the house goes to her as she co-signed on it, but ultimately, it belongs to all of us because my dad bought it for us, not for her. It's his legacy, I want to protect it. I have a legal background and I work in finance myself, so it's my remit of expertise and hiring a lawyer is expensive. Thank you, I will see if I can find a decent therapist out there. I haven't spoken to her since Sunday and I feel much better, but I know it's only temporary because the thoughts will probably creep back in the moment I speak to her. The bolded bit. I absolutely hate feeling this way, but this is how I feel. I'm so ashamed to feel this way, but it is exactly how I feel. She made my dad's life an utter misery and he passed at a young age (64) and I bet she will live until 90. I can't picture myself dealing with her for another 30 years. She's not someone I'd ever introduce my future husband or kids to. My brother is 25 and lives with her. My other siblings are 18 and 19. They're all "old" enough to sort these things out. My brother has been doing a lot of the work in all fairness. She also her her own brother who visits her literally every single day. Plus, every single time and I talk, she always says: "I'm so lucky, tons of people are coming to the house every day to visit me". Then I think to myself: "OK, then why on earth do you want me to talk to you for 2 hours every single day and stay with you during my trip to provide companionship?". She's got plenty of support I don't have. I've been on my own since my dad died and no one has visited me or anything because I don't have many friends, so I'm literally running on empty when I try to support her emotionally because I'm pouring from an empty bucket. I'll definitely stay in a hotel. I don't feel comfortable sleeping there for a week straight. My dad is no longer there, so I don't see the point in making an effort. I just turned my phone off for the evening because I know she'll call. I've had a rough day with work stress, I don't need to listen to her talk about what she ate for dinner / lunch for 40 minutes straight.

Thank you, @boltnrun. Yes, I need to accept my guilty feelings. Oddly enough, I never felt an ounce of guilt when I initially cut her off 6 years ago. I think it's because the wounds were so fresh and I was so riled up that my own survival depended on getting her out of my life. I had two options at the time: getting her out of my life or ending my life. As soon as I had the opportunity to cut contact, I didn't wait a single second. For years, I never thought of her or even felt guilty. The guilty feelings are now coming up because I feel as though I'd disappoint my dad by cutting her off. Also, she suddenly said she's going to "spoil" me when I get there, so I think part of me is subconsciously hold on to this because it's what I wanted as a child and she never gave me. I agree, dying without a will is complex and this is exactly what I told her. I'm in Europe. Everything is going to her (his retirement, the house, the remaining funds on the accounts, the cars). To be honest, I don't care that it all goes to her because I've zero interest in the estate from personal gain standpoint. She can't even sort any of the paperwork out and can't provide for my siblings the way my father did. My main worry now is the mortgage on their house. I'm flying all the way there to sort the mortgage out so that my siblings can keep a roof over their heads. In all fairness to my sister, she did not tell me about getting COVID because I don't have any direct contact with her. It's not her fault. All communication is routed through my mother. I have two sisters and when I ring one of them or the landline, my mother picks up when she sees my name. I haven't spoken directly to any of my siblings as she handles all communications. She could have indeed waited a week for me to fly over to see him in his coffin in "person" and then repatriate his body to his birth country afterwards. She said according to religious principles, she needed to bury him fast, so she sent his body to his birth country two days after his death. Mind you, my dad was urgently hospitalized for the first time in his life in September as he had blocked arteries and a weak heart and no one thought to call me to tell me. He was there for more than a week and three months later he was gone. They robbed me of an opportunity to make peace with him when they knew he was hanging on a thread. I think deep down inside my mom was always jealous of how much I loved my dad. I told him everything and we could speak for hours on end. He was my mentor and he understood me to an extent no ever has. I never had such relationship with her and I think she believes that now that my dad is gone, I'm more vulnerable and more susceptible to grow attached to her to compensate for my dad's absence. My siblings never knew why I cut her off in the first place. They always thought I became "too big for my boots". No one knows I needed to for my own survival. A few months before I moved out, I attempted to throw myself under a train and after a bystander brought me home, she said to me: "You know, the day you die, no one will care. People will probably care for a week or so and then move on". She was evil to say the very least and that's why I'm having such a hard time not imploding. Everything she says goes into one ear out the other. Her conversations are void of any purpose quite frankly. I don't need to have a 40 minutes conversation to hear what she ate for lunch / dinner and what she's planning on cooking tomorrow. I actually asked yesterday her whether she knows about any hereditary heart conditions in the family because my dad's parents died in their 50s & early 60s and my dad died at 64. I want to get checked out in case. Then she said I should stop being "stupid" because my grandparents were healthy and it was just their time to pass. They were uneducated people who lived in the mountains and never went to the doctor. How would they know they were healthy? They died in their 50s and early 60s, so surely they weren't that healthy. She said my suspicions are "ridiculous" and "genetic transmission is ridiculous nonsense", "everyone is healthy". Sure, as healthy as when she hid the fact that my two siblings had COVID! I told her yesterday I wouldn't be speaking with her today and to be honest, that pit in my stomach isn't there this evening. I'm so mad destiny chose to take my precious dad away and leave me with her.

I agree on the expression of sympathy. I don't send it to every single person who lost someone. However, I think it is the polite thing to do if you're dealing with someone who has been supporting you and delivering quality work to you every single day for almost two years. Some people don't feel comfortable addressing death in any way shape or form and I can respect that (I used to be the same), but at the same time, I don't want them to think that by things are going to revert back to the way they used to be that quickly. I'm trying really hard not to let my emotions rule me and it's new territory to me because I've never been much of an emotional person. Today only I used my lunch break to cry in front of my laptop. At the end of the day, work is work, I shouldn't let my emotions rule me. I simply feel uncomfortable and anxious now.

Thank you, @boltnrun and @CallingAllAngels. No, I am not under the care of a professional though I have been looking for now. These thoughts started creeping back a few days ago and I haven't acted on them, but I do feel trapped and as though it is the only way out. I know I shouldn't think like this, but the mere presence of her in my life is downright triggering and get this sudden burst of rage internally that I have not experienced in 6 years. When she and I were no contact, I was the most calm / constant person you could ever meet and suddenly, I find myself having to refrain from smashing plates etc. This is scaring me, but I will certainly look for a therapist. You're right, my dad would not want me to hurt myself. I can now understand how he must have felt all these days trying to tolerate her despite her mental health imbalance and various shenanigans. As far as my dad's funeral goes - it already took place last week and because it wasn't enough that he passed away without me getting the chance to say goodbye, they repatriated his body to his home country and chose to bury it somewhere in the mountains in a spot that is not even an official cemetery. I can't even go and visit him on my own because the country is rather unsafe for women and I don't know a soul there. My only option is to either go with her (because no one else knows anyone there) or no go at all because I've only been there once as a young child. My dad did not have a will, but he left all his money and house to her anyways. She's the co-signer on the house and he would always transfer his money into their joint account. I will only be there to take of the administrative burden. My dad wasn't even gone one day that she already was talking about selling the house he worked so hard to buy. I'm not saying she is money-driven at all, but it came as a shock to me because my dad wasn't even buried yet that she was thinking about this. The worst part of it all is that as soon as I heard my dad had passed, I booked an immediate flight to fly out there to sort out his estate. I was due to fly a few days later. Then roughly three days after my dad had passed and I had already booked my flights, I overheard my sibling saying he couldn't taste and smell anything. I then asked her whether he had COVID and she said everyone in the house is healthy but he will get tested. Then, the following day, she tells me that my sister had already been tested positive for COVID the week prior and my brother had already been tested positive too. So she knew I was able to fly there and walk into a house riddled with COVID and she didn't think to protect me. When I asked about why she didn't tell me right away, she said that because I was so set on visiting them that she didn't want to disappoint me. Again, my fault not hers for putting my health in danger. I've had to postpone flying, but in the end, it was worth it because it gave me time to think more reasonably.

No, it's the same company I previously wrote about. I'm trying to catch-up though some people are already expecting me to deliver "yesterday" like I did before based on some emails I've seen. My manager is off "sick" (yet again) and I'm now asked to cover some items for him when I can barely handle mine as it is.

Hi all, I just got back to work from bereavement leave and my manager who was supposed to cover for me during my leave said they 're sick (yet again) and won't be in today or tomorrow. Therefore, I have no clue what's been done in my absence. I was off for a week. My manager sent an email to the two project leads I've been working on to tell them the reason for my absence. One sent me their condolences and did not send any work instructions during my absence. The other one did not send any condolences and kept sending me work instructions during my absence despite being told my return date was TBD. Only two people sent me their condolences, the rest of them have remained silent. I don't care about their condolences because I understand some people do not want to talk about it, but in all fairness, if someone is off on compassionate leave, you don't harass them with instructions fully knowing they won't be able to action as they're absent. I find the lack of respect to be shocking and I'm sincerely starting to wonder what I'm doing in this company. Is this normal behavior?

Correct, pure guilt. I feel guilty letting her down during this difficult time. She will probably flip the tables around and say I'm the evil ungrateful daughter who stopped answering her calls when she needed me the most. I'm also worried my siblings might come after me and start harassing me the same way they sent me a ratty email when I refused to give money I didn't have. While I would have made an effort with her for my dad if he were still alive, any sense of obligation / affection towards her died when my dad died. I can't picture myself dealing with her for another 30 years until she passes. Just because my dad died, it doesn't suddenly make her a good person. For proof, instead of slowly re-establishing a good relationship with me, she's already making demands and monitoring my spare time. I'm already sensing my morale going down the drain because every single evening around 5pm, I get a pit in my stomach as I know there's a call coming. If I go out for some air, I dread heading back to my apartment in the evening as I know she'll be calling. I'm already contemplating self-harm at the thought of dealing with her for the rest of my life (I haven't thought about self-harm since I cut her off 6 years ago). I'm not exaggerating at all. All I think about is how I can escape her. I had originally planned to stay with her during my visit, but now I realize it's best I book a hotel room and stay there for the week.

Thank you @boltnrun and @CallingAllAngels, I will check this book out. Never heard of it. I agree, she is responsible for herself. I offered to visit for a week to sort my dad's estate and she's already making demands such as "May I ask that you take the full week off, so that you can spend some time with me so I won't be alone". Though I had planned to take the full week off because I need to travel overseas to visit, I told her there would be a chance I'd be logging in to work remotely. I'm flying all the way there to sort my dad's affairs, not to provide companionship (which she already has plenty of). She called me again today at 9.30pm and at 10.10pm I told her I needed to hang up because I've work tomorrow and her response was: "Well, if I'm annoying you, I'll let you go then" and she started getting annoyed on the phone until I asked her why she was getting annoyed and she said "never mind, I have to go to bed too". She's seriously starting to latch onto me with severe claws and conditioning me. Before I hung up, I told her I won't be speaking to her tomorrow because I'm going back to work and will be busy. Then two minutes later she said: "OK then I'll try to ring you tomorrow and if you don't pick up, I'll know you're working". She really doesn't understand a thing I say. If I'm telling her I'll be busy tomorrow and won't be able to talk, there's no point in ringing me to check if I'm indeed busy. It's adding more stress on me and it's a huge lack of respect. I feel she wants to keep tabs on me as a 31 year old woman. It's hard for me to go from being an independent woman with no contact with her for 6 years to being monitored like this during my spare time. I work long hours and the last thing I want is to be monitored by someone I have zero affection for. I have a feeling setting some boundaries with her is going to prove to be difficult because she doesn't understand I've opened the lines of communication to sort my dad's affairs out and to keep an eye on my siblings, not because I want to re-establish a mother-daughter bond that never was to begin with. I don't understand how she can think for a split second that after 6 years of no contact, we'll suddenly become best friends. It doesn't work like that. My goal was to drop the calls to once a week, but I think it's going to be a difficult endeavor. The fact that she blamed me cutting her and my immediate family off as a "young people" mistake instead of actually taking accountability for her actions. I'm already fed up with her. I think I will set up a second phone number, switch all my business and personal contacts to the new one and let her ring this one. I'll turn it on/off according to my own schedule because I don't think she understand boundaries when I already want zero to do with her.

Thank you, everyone. I really do appreciate the kind words. It's a bit difficult for me to exteriorize my thoughts as I feel guilty for thinking them in the first place, so I really appreciate having such platform to discuss this without being judged. She rings me on my mobile randomly, so I could let it go to voicemail, but if I don't respond, she bombards me with repeated calls. She has a very large support system. She literally has people showing up at her door every single day of the week, in addition to her brother and my siblings. She's not alone at all and therefore does not need to latch onto me the way she does. I don't need to know what she ate for lunch or dinner. I think I'm the one who is most like my dad along with another sibling, so that's probably the reason why. I can't blame her for wanting to speak to me and being needy, but I personally cannot go from 0 to 100 overnight. When she announced my dad's passing, she had the audacity to say: "I forgive you for not calling us for years because you were young and didn't know what you were doing". She never acknowledged any of the hurt she put me and our family through (not the right time to do so, of course, but she could have just refrained from saying this). This is a woman who beat me every single day of the week when I was a child / teenager and who had an affair twice, dragging me into it and asking me to cover for her then when my dad found out, she stopped speaking to me for 6 months and asked ME to apologize to her for lying and saying she had an affair. There was no lie on my part, she literally would talk about this other man every single day and show me texts. The affair re-started 5 years later (after I moved out) and she claimed she was possessed by the devil and they brought some woman into the house to remove whatever "spell" she claimed she was under. I understand these are issues between her and my dad, but she willingly dragged me into them then turned the her own doings against me and made my life hell. This is why I feel zero for her and find it difficult for me to make something out of nothing. I try to dig into a non-existent spot to support her and it's rough. I rarely thought of her in the last 6 years of no-contact and really missed my dad a lot. As harsh as it may sound, it was a relief when I didn't have her in my life. Now, she's being nice, but I can't say it makes me feel any better. I'm really tolerating this for my father and siblings. My siblings need help and guidance. Given her pre-existing mental health instability + my dad's passing, I need to keep an eye on them. Who knows how long I will be able to handle her in my life again before my mental health goes south again. The moment I cut her off, my mental health improved significantly and I'm worried she might drag me down again. I'm planning on going to therapy as soon as this situation settles.

Thank you, @Batya33@DancingFool I am currently helping my brother remotely with my dad's estate / financial affairs. I am unable to travel over there to do so because my family is anti-vaccine and they all got COVID in the last few days. Therefore, I have to stay put for now until I get there and sort things out. My mother now calls me every single day and while I try to limit the conversation to 30 minutes, she always drags it to 1h+. I took a few days off this week, so I was able to handle our lengthy interactions, but I don't have 2+ hours to spare every single day after work when I already finish work late. She rings me every single evening because she's assuming I'm always on my own waiting for her to ring me (that's what she just said: "I called you now, so at least, you're not on your own"). I have a life too. How does she think I've been spending the last 6 years of no contact? The other day I was in the shower when she called and there were 5 missed calls. She said she was worried about me when I didn't pick up. I appreciate the thought, but I didn't speak to any family member for 6 years and I was fine. I don't need someone to smother me all of the sudden. I'm also struggling with the fact that her 2+ hours conversations always turn to religion in one capacity or another. Everything is linked to religion and I have to go silent and wait for her to finish her monologue. It can go from talking about someone's personal religious deed, someone who named their child a non-religious name or, how the account manager at the bank wore a short skirt and therefore she didn't want to deal with her because her outfit was inappropriate based on her religious principles or how my grandma was praying for me to marry a religious person. Religion is present in every single conversation we have and she's the one who brings it up. I'm spiritual, but I'm a million miles away from her thought process and religious obsession. It's very difficult for me to sit there and absorb ignorant thoughts after a long day when all I want to do is unwind on my own. I have decided to not talk about my life at all, so when she calls, I just ask how she's doing, how my brother is dealing with the paperwork and how everyone is coping. My personal life is off limits because although we're now in touch, it takes a certain level of closeness I don't feel.

Hi everyone, As posted in a different thread, my dad unexpectedly passed away last week. He was such a great man with integrity and a very kind heart. At that point, I had been estranged from my entire immediate family for 6 years. I cut ties with them due to various issues with my abusive and toxic mother (a lot of things she did hurt both my dad, my brother and I - my two other siblings were too young). My dad was unfortunately collateral damage when I took the decision to distance myself. Fast forward, a friend of my siblings tracked me down on social media to tell me to reach out to my siblings as something bad had happened. Then when I called, my mother picked up to tell me the news about my dad's passing. We spoke for roughly two hours and have been speaking on the phone every single day since. I live in a different country, but my mother has a strong support system where she is with my three siblings (all above 18), her brother and tons of friends. I on the other hand, don't have many friends and I'm fine with that. She has been calling me every single day now to chat, which is fine by me, but it's mostly me providing emotional support and remaining in touch to support on getting my dad's legal and financial affairs in order. It seems in her mind, our relationship is fully re-established. I offered to come visit to sort my dad's affairs as my siblings though above 18 are still in college and don't know what to do. They need guidance. I fully comprehend she lost her partner of 32 years. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to lose your other half, but she mistreated me and my dad for years and years on end. My dad had a lot on his heart and so did I. Now, I am forced to provide emotional support to someone who mistreated me my entire childhood / teenage years and early twenties. It's really difficult for me because even though on paper I'm there, I don't feel anything at all. I'm completely detached. I missed my dad a lot, but I can't say I did miss her as much (I already feel guilty saying this). I try to comfort her, but there's always a level detachment. I know my dad would have wanted me to be there for my siblings and support them during this difficult time, which is why I'm keeping the lines of communication open now. I'm trying to act dignified in the way my dad would have wanted me to act, but my heart is very much scattered. I can't say I'm particularly enthusiastic at the idea of being forced to be back in touch with someone who tormented me and hurt my dad and our entire family for years on end. I'm not trying to be harsh or heartless, but I'm finding it really difficult to navigate between grieving for my dad and being forced to re-establish a relationship with someone. It does not help my family has become far more conservative over the years and there's a disconnect there. I feel really guilty posting the above because it sounds like I am whining or being harsh during these circumstances (which is inappropriate), but I'm really struggling to contain these constant thoughts. I would appreciate any help / guidance. Thanks.

❤️ Thank you everyone for the kind advice. I need to learn to get over myself and reflect the values my father taught me. I have to stop shifting into "ego" mode and learn to be a bit more detached. I felt really bad for my mother after we spoke today because she says now that my sisters are back to school and my brother is taking care of my dad's affairs, she's left all alone in the house (she's had tons of visitors over the last few days but people have now gone back to work) and she can't stop thinking. She is completely helpless. I am the one making the effort to ring every single evening to check up on her. I think I will try to ring her every afternoon to have a 15 minutes chat with her to keep her company. She does not work, so it's not like she can distract herself with that. I really feel for her because she's just the shadow of herself.

Thank you everyone for the kind words of wisdom. I truly appreciate all the help. I think the hardest for me to cope with is the fact that I had extracted myself from my family which was toxic and moving towards a really strict religious path, which completely differs from my personal opinion. Now, I am thrown into the deep end after I working so hard to build my own personal identity. I have seen a couple of my siblings and my mother via Facetime and they have become very very religious over the years of no-contact. Before I left, my sisters were regular teenagers and now, they're deep into strict religious practices. It's an additional shock to my system. I am very much afraid that now that they have my contact details and managed to trace me, they will eventually force me to abide by their principles / follow their path even if I currently live miles away. I know it is very selfish to think of this during such difficult time, but their new religious lifestyle which seems to have developed during the years of no-contact is a huge shock to me as I'm discovering it now. I honestly would have preferred to get sick myself and die instead because this is more than I could ever take. It is one thing to lose a parent, but seeing all your siblings and own mother suddenly wearing heavy religious attires and a complete change of lifestyle, it's too much at the same time.

Thank you, Batya33. I really appreciate the kind words.

I am sorry for your loss, Jibralta. Thank you so much for your kind advice. No, I don't have anyone to talk to, unfortunately.

I am really sorry for your loss, greendots. Thank you very much for your words of wisdom.

I am really sorry for your loss, Seraphim. My condolences. You are right. I agree.

Hi everyone, About 6 years ago, I ended up ceasing all contact with my family due to various reasons. About two years ago, they reached out to me for money and I didn't have the means to help, so I received a pretty rude email from one of my siblings in this regard. We stopped all contact again after this until I got a message on social media from a friend of my sibling saying something bad had happened and my sibling wanted to talk to me. My father passed away suddenly last week. He had a cardiac arrest. I really love my dad and I am in bits because he was the one parent who was very kind, level-headed and generous. He was a really good person. Now, all of the sudden, I find myself having to deal with just my mother on a daily basis all over again without having even had the time to think about how I could approach it. I find myself getting progressively hurt because of various things: - It turns out my father went to the hospital for an entire week in September and no one reached out to tell me. It was his first time ever at a hospital and it was pretty serious. Yet, they all chose not to contact me. I could have visited him then, spent some time with him and said goodbye as he passed two months later. I was robbed of a chance to make peace with my dad as I know he really loved me. - My father had a cardiac arrest and no one knew how to perform CPR on him. My brother took him to the emergency by car which makes me think those precious minutes were lost and could have saved his life. Of course, my younger sibling just reacted the best he could, it's not his fault at all. I'm not blaming him, he's young and was just trying to save his dad. I just wish I had been there because I could have performed CPR and tried to save his life. - No one in my family is vaccinated except for one sibling. My father was not vaccinated either and had underlying health conditions. Therefore, it is safe to assume my father could have caught COVID right before his death without realizing since two children who live with them got COVID . When I got the call about my dad's death, I was told everyone was healthy at the time of death and my dad died of a cardiac arrest. Then, I found out both my siblings had COVID and the hospital later switched the cause of death to COVID. Everyone in the family claims it wasn't COVID and they claim the hospital falsely linked the death to COVID for their own agenda. I need to know the exact cause of death for me to make peace with it and right now, it's contradictory information. Now, I'm having to deal with coping with my father's death on top of trying to re-establish a harmonious relationship with my mother. I got really annoyed at her 10 minutes ago over something she said and I lashed out. I then felt really bad and I called to apologize because I know she's grieving too and she's not conscious of what she's saying. I'm in so much pain and I also don't want to fall into the old cycle where my mom and I used to fight over and over again and I feel guilty I got annoyed at her. We're all grieving and I don't want to fall into the old habits. I miss my dad and he wasn't the reason why I took my distance many years ago. He's crossed my mind every single day. I don't know what to do and I'm trying to be the best daughter and I sister I can be at this time, but I'm also very mad. My dad's funeral took place in a third country (meaning not where I live or where my immediate family lives) and no one was able to travel because my immediate family is not vaccinated and I couldn't have traveled because I don't know anyone there, it is not overly safe and the funeral took place really fast after the death. On top of this, I now can't travel to visit my immediate family because they have COVID (I'm vaccinated, but obviously, it's not safe nonetheless). I've still decided to take bereavement leave because I can't cope with his death. I went out earlier to get some paperwork done and I almost started crying as I was walking down the street. I haven't had a meal since I had dinner on Thursday before the fated call. My head is spinning and I really feel like I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I can't help but think his death could have easily been prevented and I feel awful for not calling for years because of this grudge I had been carrying. My mother told me that whenever my dad saw a number that could resemble one from where I live, he'd always rush to pick up the phone hoping it's me and would feel really sad when he realized it wasn't. I feel really awful. Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you! I think many very good points were touched up! Although CV is only one page, I have far too many bullet points under each job. I have "achievements" in there, but they are generally the last couple of bullet points after bullets that indeed look like a job description. The thing is my previous jobs did not entail quantitative targets / objectives, so it is quite difficult to simply put achievements in there because it wouldn't give the reader much information on what the job was about and certainly wouldn't cover the full spectrum of technical knowledge acquired in those jobs. I personally do not have an "interests" section (never have because I find it useless), but I do have a small section which highlights my volunteer work. A couple months ago, I tried hiring a CV writer and got quotes from various companies, but I find them far too expensive (we're looking at upwards of £/€400). I'm sure it is worth the investment, but at this particular point, I'd rather save any money I can possibly save, because I have not guarantee having my CV professionally revamped will lead to immediate results. Actually, funny you mention hell @Jibralta because this is exactly the word I've been using the describe this company. It is the hell of corporations.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the kind advice! It is true I have become overly reliant on LinkedIn because that's where I found my last two jobs (one through a recruiter and the other via a job post). Often times, the opportunities on LinkedIn are the same as those on Indeed, Glassdoor etc.. (for my industry at least). I have been in touch with a couple of recruiters who proactively approached me for roles and part of the applications submitted were through them. I've found recruiters to be quite flaky. I've deal with many many recruiters in my career (agencies) and they have a tendency to ghost candidates which makes it even more complicated. My CV is not perfect and certainly needs a lot of touching up as I'm not getting responses. I will look at it again over the weekend and during my upcoming days off. I always keep it up to date and proof-read it, but I recognize some sections might need revamping. Most days, I'm too exhausted to even think of applying to anything, but the situation is clearly going from bad to worse. As far as "hazing" goes - I was hired as an experienced hire with 5 years industry experience when I joined. My interview lasted 15 minutes with both managers which is odd for such a large institution. I put it down on the fact that I had prior experience with a competitor and a well-known consulting firm. Now I wonder if I should have taken this as a red flag during the recruitment process. The team is not great because there is no team spirit. I was on a performance call with my manager's manager a couple months ago and this person told me there was a strange dynamic in the team because the other two people in the team didn't get along (which is true and it actually instilled a bad energy to the point where both of them would take it out on me for no apparent reason). They're very cliquey and despite me trying to be extremely amenable, I simply don't feel a connection with them. I think the cliquey vibe comes from the top down. Our direct manager is "friends" with the two people in the team and often hangs out with them after work. We've been working remotely this whole time and the very first time we all went to the office together back in October, the manager went off to lunch with his "friends" (who are also his reports our team) and didn't even extend any invitation for me to join even though they bumped into me at the canteen. He also sat me down alone in the far back and the rest of them were all gathered together in another spot. I also need to stress the fact that I am the only female in this team , so all I am trying to do here is remain professional because I've had incidents with one guy from my team who kept texting me on Saturday or Sunday evenings to "chat" about non-work stuff. I never responded to any of his texts and ever since, I've been cordial and professional with everyone, but that's where it stops. My opinion is that the manager has an agenda and so does his own manager. To be honest, I'm the first one to say there is a huge culture clash. Their culture does not work for me and this is reflected in my work because I'm not thriving. As far as overworking me, I think based on my background, they probably assume I'm used to this pace (because I worked for employers which are known to be cut-throat), but I have to say, this is a different level which I suspect is on purpose. I am adamant they are deliberately dumping all ad-hoc internal projects on me whenever I have multiple large regulatory projects ongoing in an attempt to destabilize me. I remember someone who was working on a single regulatory project a couple months ago volunteered to work on an ad-hoc internal project and the manager said to this person they already had enough on their plate with the regulatory project, so they can sit this ad-hoc one out (written black on white on Teams). It is crystal clear they know what they are doing when they're throwing these ad-hoc projects at me because they're hoping I'll burn the candle at both ends and fall short of expectations on my main tasks.

Last week, I started sending my CV around and applying via LinkedIn etc. No response to this day. In the meantime, I'm now facing a situation at work where another ad-hoc project was assigned to me on Tuesday, when I already have projects ongoing, a third one starting in January in addition to BAU. The project they assigned me on Tuesday starts in January at a very critical stage of another project which will require my full attention. The worst part is my manager never discussed assigning this project to me. I found out via the project lead who said my managers volunteered me for this project. I therefore reached out to my manager (who should know my schedule) and told him I wouldn't be able to dedicate the required time for the project that they just assigned because of XYZ (and I included details of all projects ongoing). I was told not worry because they will work to delegate some of my work. This is highly untrue as they've told me this countless times and it never happened once. He said it should be "manageable" (which I can already assume it will be manageable if I put in overtime). Now, my issue is because the amount of work is unreasonable, I am unable to dedicate the proper time to each task, thus this is affecting the quality of my work. As a result of this, it now looks as though I'm performing poorly. It doesn't help that we have this internal audit process which will raise literally anything as an issue. For instance, my work was marked as "partially effective" because I forgot a sentence in a free format document which incorporated a deck which included that very sentence. This document doesn't go anywhere and is only archived internally. So, it gives you an idea of what's happening. It might be hazing but I've been with the company close to two years now. Also, if it were "hazing", how come the other new joiners aren't experiencing the same? I don't think this is "hazing" but more so being set up to fail because I've seen countless occasions where I was not informed of certain points which were crucial to certain projects I worked on and it later on led to issues that I couldn't have foreseen as again, the people in charge of delivering the information never did despite my various attempts at making sure everything was aligned. These people being my managers. I think they're drownings me under work to ensure I am struggling to perform my tasks adequately to then justify a performance issue to eventually get rid of me. It's a complete dystopian culture. It's gotten to the point where I'm too anxious to have lunch and have lost quite a lot of weight as a result, and I have experienced severe insomnia for the first time in my career (I can't sleep before 1am and I always wake up in the middle of the night around 3/4am thinking / stressing about what's waiting for me at work when I get up). The situation is pretty critical. Again, it's not the first time in my career I'm working weekends or overtime. Every company will have a degree of toxicity, but this is not one I can bear.

I appreciate the advice, certainly, but while I seem to be defensive, some of your posts do come across as rather arrogant almost condescending. I won't quote the particular bits, but since I can remember, there is always a touch of overconfidence in your posts which convey a certain tone which may or may not trigger the OP. You seem to be very proud of your career path, which is enviable, but there is a way to phrase this without the touch of condescension. As far as you not saying anything of what I mentioned above, I bolded the bits in the quoted post. I didn't make any of this up. All is in your previous post and I just responded to what was quoted.