im_falling_to_pieces

Thanx Juliana. Happy belated Thanksgiving back to you and yours as well. As for naming my first daughter after my mom, her sisters all called her Katy-Did, although that wasn't her real name. I figure Katy would be a good choice and to take her middle name maybe too as a hyphened name. I am sure it will come to me when the day comes. I am really interested in writing the letter to my mother to talk to her about all of the other things that hold me back each day. A part of me feels like by doing so, it will let her know what has been happening to me and it's also a way of self relief at the same time. As for talking to my mom, I do that all the time. I always take the time out to talk to her when things get really bad, and I always feel her inside when I do. I am thankful that I can do that much and know that she is still with me, and always will be. As for talking to my friends, or even best friends - that becomes a little bit harder as I don't have all that many friends lately. I have learned since mom passed away, that a lot of my friends that I thought were real were nothing but thieves. Those friends I can count on feel the same grief inside from losing her as well. So with any luck, things will start to get better soon. My mother never really gave me advice on my father. She always told me to ignore him and his ways if he was bothering me. This was before I knew anything that I found out. We still dont' know what but we knew he held something over her head still until the day she left, simply because she avoided all thoughts or communication about what had happened. She held it all bottled up inside. She dealt with him by telling him where to go when he upset her as far as I could tell. I think writing him a letter is a good key to letting him know how I feel even if he doesn't get it or not, cause he never gave me the chance to recoil in the news he had given me then ran away on. I am pleased as well that I look like my mom more each day. She was a beautiful woman. All the best.

I have to thank you all for your responses. You have all given me the best gift I have yet to receive since all of the ordeal I faced. I feel a little bit better today knowing that somewhere out there, there are people who will offer friendly advice, not use the events to hurt me and that will listen. I never realized that anyone would be so understanding. As for my father, I know where he is now - but he left me without saying "goodbye". A part of me knows that I will never speak to him again, then again a part of me also knows that he and I have unfinished business and becuase he was a part of my life at one point for so long (although as much of a creep he was for his faults) I know if he gets away with passing without my sharing my frustrations of what he's done - I will have much regret. I do not plan to make an attempt to speak to him, however I wish he could hear what I have to say. He hurt me deeply, and now I understand why my mother was hurting so. As for my mother, if it were not for her wisdom of growing up so quickly and her strength, I know that I would not still be here today. There is much she has given me, and I have no thoughts of suicide in mind. I want to live strong, be prosperous and continue to make her proud. She was not just my mother, she was my best friend...and now - she's my hero. I plan on naming my first daughter after her when I have children to carry on her name as I knew she looked forward to the day of being a grandmother more than anything. Again, thank you guys so much for the advice you've offered now and that you will offer again later, lord knows that I will need much help from here and everywhere to get through this period in my life. I already know for a fact that it's making me stronger. I can't wait to look back on this and smile for the strength and determination she's given me. Best Wishes to all of you for now, can't wait to hear from you again.

Thank you so much. You have given me some great ideas to incorporate while still having the Christmas I remember that Mom and I always had together. I especially loved the idea of something new added to the way she did things. That really is a good way to keep my memories and yet make new ones at the same time. As for my boyfriend, yes he has been quite a great help. However the idea of me venturing away for a month just wouldn't do. He is not in for a long distance relationship or for me going away for long periods of time. I went away last for 3 weeks, and not only did he miss me and have his own thoughts being alone, but he was not that thrilled I chose to stay away that long. Although it was something I needed and enjoyed very much so, I got to spend my first while with my new Godson and it was great for my soul. As for the pictures, I have not been able to put any of them down since the day she died. Maybe it was fear of forgetting her, maybe it was to remember that she's still with me. Either way, each morning I wake up and wash my face, I look more and more like her everyday. I never seen it before when people would say so, but since the day she was gone, I make myself cry. Your advice has been taken in deep thought, and I thank you for the hope you have given me. Blessings to you.

Finally, someone who hears my story without bias and offers help. I can't stop the water works right now, I've waiting for something for too long. I am not a highly relgious person, I didn't even believe in God, or as the bible explains atleast. But I did believe in something. Once mom died, I knew I found a new believe in something out there, it was the only thing that carried me through. I am not sure, but I think I am Catholic. Does it matter where I choose to go based on that? I won't lie, I am an intelligent person, I am just very clouded on my judgement since all of this has happened. You have no idea to the extent your response has touched me already. Thank you now and for anything you may help with later. You are a blessing.

Okay, this is my first time ever posting at any forum like this, so please bear with me. I have a lot I need to get off of my chest and hopefully I can find some help to save me in between. In Decemeber of 2005 I lost my mother to a motor vehicle accident exactly one week before Christmas Eve. She was hit and killed on the side of the road by a half ton truck. She was walking home from the garage where she went to use a payphone because her cellphone was broken. Needless to say my life has been a mess ever since with many complications. I could never understand why my mom and I always seemed to have so much trouble living life the way we wanted, until the news broke out upon her death. My mother was a very enclosed woman, kept everyone she knew (both family and friends) on a distant tight rope and serious anger issues at times. Issues of which were associated to her life, and the things that had happened to her. If I had known for a moment before she was killed the things she lived with everyday, I am convinced she would still be here today. I could go into great detail but the problems are long enough to explain on their own without it. The day after my mother was killed I had a sit and talk with my father, whom she was no longer with but still associated with on a certain level because of me. I knew that things in my life seemed weird but the news he dropped on me that day sent my emotions even more so into a complete overdrive. It was then the words came from his mouth: he and my mother were related - she was his niece!! I could feel my heart explode inside, and took a rather severe anxiety attack at the same time. I was speechless. It all slowly starting coming to me and I started to understand the things about my mother that I could never figure out. She was my best friend, my strength - and somewhere inside she really bottled herself up without going anywhere for help, which at that precise moment explained to me the anger issues and emotional problems she had for as long as I could remember. My father took me and started to explain that both he and her planned on telling me after Christmas because they had both knew that he wasn't well by any means, and he didnt want her to have to tell me alone. What irony I thought to myself. I had prepared myself for the loss of my father due to his health, and then I lost her and got the most unbearable news I could ever handle with it. I was, and still am, filled with so many emotions that sometimes I wonder, what it is that keeps me alive here today. Shortly after her funeral on the 22nd of December, I had went to my aunt's (mom's closest sister who found her when dad took her away years ago) and we tried to manifest some sort of Christmas together, althought it was very dead and uneventful, we knew my mother loved Christmas and was looking so forward to it. I made her funeral the largest Christmas themed one the funeral home had ever witnessed, in hopes that she would someday hear me when I said, that I didn't blame her, and that I loved her all along, and just hope that she could hear me. Her boyfriend and I did all that we could to make sure that she went to rest with Christmas all around her. It was beautiful. Shortly after when I had returned to start dealing with her home and her belongings, my father began to give me a hard time with the ways in which things were being dealt with, he knew that there were things that he didnt' want the family that were helping me to see, during the years of which she was taken from them. He really pushed me to endless limits of grief ontop of all that I was already dealing with when I finally told him I am doing what I could considering the hand that I was being dealt. He didn't like what I had to say...his last words to me before he left me in the dust after being daddy's little girl for 22 years was "are you gone crazy and an {mod edit} like the rest of the bunch or what?" I smashed my cell phone that day when I threw it against the wall I took a nervous breakdown, and from that point the family took over dealing with her place and belongings based on my wishes. I was incapable of even being awake at that point after not eating, or wanting to be alive through the whole ordeal. My father for some ill-reason just could not comprehend what the family's problem was with him, when he knew he took her from them and then got her pregenant with me. It was like he was completely immune to what he did as wrong. He eventually took off and left for out west, never speaking to me again. Leaving me to suffer with the life he made and the cards he dealt. My boyfriend was great support through everything, although I know he musta just been absolutely angered over the whole ordeal. If it weren't for him helping me through I would never have seen today. I later just recently started to find out my dad had done other unappropriate things as well before he and my mother both disappeared. I found out that I had 7 siblings, although I was only ever told of one by him. He had 6 in his first marriage, and one in his 2nd. All this before he and my mother dissappeared. Both marriages of which rumour has it ended because he did something to one of his children, and he also attempted something to his sister's daughter as well as the story goes. I have been trying to deal with my mother's sudden death, my father's untimely news, and everything else now for almost a year. I am still no further ahead or behind either way with my grief and I have no direction from places of which I need it. I can't get help from the government, the province, assistance, no wheres since then and still today. I am slowly drowning in a hole of debts, and I can't afford the help that I need. I have a lawyer who is slackingly dealing with the case, I am being told that there will not be much of a reward in anyway, and that insurance right now is blaming my mother for what happened. I almost lost my place I live in because of financial difficulties because I have been off of work ever since on Medical leave for Mental Disabilty. My boyfriend works his {mod edit} off each week, but we make just enough to cover rent, and barely enough to cover groceries and bills. I just don't know what to do. I know I must be forgetting so much that should explained, but as you have probably already figured out I am not well, and I am having a hard time coping. So I am explaining all that I currently can while shaking to death as I type. I have been perscribed Paxil since March 2006. It seems to be helping however, I am not sure it is a high enough dosage (20mg) I can feel when it kicks in and when it wears off which is not usually a full/complete day. My weight has been greatly fluctuating up and down and is starting to worry me. The only help I seem to hear is to continue on with my regular life, however without dealing with all that I have embraced, I know that I will eventually die of suffering. I can feel it within myself. I don't know which way to turn. I have thought of moving home, with my family to get better, to have support all around and etc. Where my boyfriend and I are both living in the city right now, there is no such thing in my 6 years as a real friend, or atleast a friend who has the time to talk to me. He's left a small town himself and worked to get where he is today and he is not willing to relocated to my home town with me because he has a good job and etc. He loves me and wants what is best for me however, if I made the choice to move, it would be alone - and I am already as alone as anything as it is. Being worse off will completely kill any living part of my soul for sure. Or so I am convinced. March 2007, will be four years for he and I, and I love him. I dream every night about my mother in many ways, just recently most of which have been nothing but nightmares. My financial situation is terrible, I only have $150 right now to do me for groceries for the next 4 weeks for example. It's never ending and I am haunted everyday. I feel a huge void inside without my mom. It seems to get worse the closer Christmas time is approaching again, which will mark the 1 year anniversary of her death. I was my mother's pride, she was so proud of me. I want to continue to do well to honour her and I've bene looping in circles without direction or help. I dont know what it is I need, or want from posting all of this, but I need resolve. I am dying more each day inside and it's not getting any better. So much for Thankgiving weekend being upon me, I have nothing to be thankful for right now because of my pain and clouded judgement. Someone, anyone out there, any directions? I don't want to completely die inside. ~C