Is it Petty to Feel Used when Lending a Friend an Item?

Nobody likes to be taken advantage of. Feeling used is a terrible and all-too-common sensation that can pop up in any interaction. You may be feeling taken advantage of when it comes to one of your friends who you lent something and has yet to return it. While returning an item isn't necessarily a matter of friendship, if you’ve loaned something previously and you’re feeling like someone is taking advantage of you, there are ways to tackle the situation that don’t involve feeling slighted or disrespected.

What Does it Mean to Feel Used?

When you feel like somebody is simply using you for your own benefit, it's a sign that the relationship may have become unbalanced. Feeling used can stem from specific situations, such as lending a friend an item and not receiving it back. Or it can occur when someone always turns to you to help them out with small errands but rarely returns the favor.

It can also be felt when your actions are met with silence or apathy—as though they don't appreciate your efforts. Lastly, it can result from a feeling of powerlessness; you may feel like you're trapped in a situation where the other person has all the control.

In the case of lending something to a friend and not having it returned, it can be hard to not take this personally. Perhaps you worry that the gesture was unappreciated, or that your offering has been forgotten. At the same time, you need your item back, and you want to make sure they understand the importance of returning it.

How Do I Tackle This Situation Without Becoming Petty?

It's natural to feel slighted or disrespected in this kind of situation. But it’s important not to make assumptions about the other person's reasons for holding onto the item. Instead of giving in to your emotions, start by reflecting on what has already been done to communicate having the item returned. Has your friend expressed any intent to return it? How did your conversation about the item go when it was loaned out?

If necessary, reach out again and remind them about the item and inquire about its return. Before doing so, ensure that communication is respectful and calm to ensure that your voice and opinion are heard. Don’t use passive-aggressive language or accusations; simply state your feelings and needs without implicating or attacking their character. You can use phrases like, “I still haven't gotten my item back yet. When do you think you'll have that?”

On the other hand, if they've expressed direct intention to return the item but they actually haven’t, it can help to talk to a mutual friend, who could aid in keeping both parties accountable. Suggesting a third-party point of contact can lighten the situation and transform it into something less about pointing the finger at each side and more about finding a solution.

If you accept that communication is the key, it's paramount to come to terms with the possibility that the item may never be returned. If that’s the case, accepting the situation can help you focus on the parts of the friendship that are healthier and move on without getting stuck in feelings of resentment and bitterness.

It's also essential to ensure that boundaries are established beforehand. Ensure that before you part with an item, rules are set around the exchange. Respectfully remind them of the agreement and let them know that you're expecting what you lent to come back to you in the same condition. Be clear about your expectations, and by extension, your boundaries.

Lending items to friends can be tricky, and not just when it's time for the item to be returned. However, with effective communication and a shared understanding, it isn't impossible to create a successful system of exchange, ensuring everyone's opinion and honor are respected. And it doesn't have to be considered petty for you to feel and express your feelings about the situation.