How Can I Improve My Troubled Relationship With My Boyfriend?

Dear eNotAlone: Oh my gosh, I don't know what to do! I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the past two and a half years, and things have been rocky at best ever since the start. We fight all the time, and it seems like we can't even have a normal conversation. We love each other deeply and our fighting comes from both of us being strong-willed and passionate about our feelings, but even when we're not arguing, there's an underlying tension that makes us both feel like something just isn't right between us.

I want to make this relationship work so badly, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get through to my boyfriend. It's like he listens to me, but nothing changes and I just can't get him to move forward. We both care about each other so much, but I'm afraid that our constant fighting is going to drive us apart and ruin everything.

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It's always difficult to try and sort things out in relationships, especially when it feels like you're up against impassable walls. The good news is, there are usually things you can do to turn around a troubled relationship—it will just take some dedication, understanding, and patience on both your parts.

The first step is to stop arguing and actively work toward finding a solution. When tensions start to rise, listen to each other with an open mind and heart, without attacking one another. Acknowledge the other's feelings and be willing to accept them, even if you don't agree. As long as you take no positions and don't pass judgment, it should be easier to focus on actually talking through the issues instead of getting stuck in circular arguments.

The next step is to get clear on what each of you wants and needs from the relationship. This helps both of you understand why the other person may be feeling a certain way. Once you both understand each other better, it can be easier to find common ground and come up with practical solutions. Don't be afraid to look somewhat outside the box – the most fitting solution doesn't necessarily have to be the most logical one.

It can also help to start cutting through the tension with humor, lightheartedness and affection. Take any opportunity to make each other smile, laugh or otherwise forget their worries. This can keep the mood from becoming sour again and create a more productive atmosphere.

Remember to recognize and appreciate the good in each other. Relationships that last tend to have a ration of five positive moments for every negative one, so try to remember and remind each other of the many positives that draw you together in the first place. Take time to appreciate each other for those qualities.