Breaking the Chain of Addiction

Excerpted from
Straight Talk from Claudia Black: What Recovering Parents Should Tell Their Kids About Drugs and Alcohol
By Claudia A. Black, M.S.W., Ph.D.

Eric sees his children during weekend visitations, holidays, and the summer months. Eric has little choice but to talk openly and specifically with his children, who are exposed to active addiction. In doing so, he and others in his situation are trying to help their children to separate the addiction from the person. This will help Eric's children understand that their mother's behavior is not meant to be intentionally hurtful to them. Of course the children will still have many feelings, but their ability to make this distinction will help them realize the behavior is not a reflection of their worth or value.

The different choices in what and how much parents share with their children need to be influenced by

• the age of the child
• how much of the active addiction the child witnessed
• the parent's relationship with the child

You will need to find your style and entrances into conversations of what is most meaningful to your children.

While it is important to talk about addiction, be careful to avoid being too wordy, detailed, or intellectual in talking to children of any age. They don't need, nor will they listen to, a lecture. Yet the information is invaluable if presented in a realistic and sincere manner. As I introduce addiction and its characteristics, I'll use scenarios involving the five parents that I've mentioned. These are not sample conversations, but information that is succinct and will hopefully allow you to find your own words to describe or explain your addictive process.

Before you begin a discussion about addiction, it can be helpful to review some basic information to help you answer questions. The next pages will provide you with simple facts about the nature of addiction. Some of you may be very familiar with this information, while others will find the following facts new and very helpful.

Addiction Facts

Alcoholism and drug addictions are diseases. They are diseases that cause changes in the brain, which then drive certain behaviors, characterized by continued use of the drug despite negative consequences. The continued use, in spite of negative consequences, reflects the out-of-control behavior. This doesn't mean that addicts cannot stop using or drinking. Treatment of and recovery from addiction are very possible. Alcoholics and those addicted to other drugs can learn to change their behavior, but doing so is difficult and often requires treatment and major lifestyle changes. This can be compared to heart disease, which may also necessitate major lifestyle changes. We don't blame people for having heart disease. We ask them to follow a certain diet, to exercise, and to comply with medication regimes. So it should be with addiction. We shouldn't blame ourselves for having the disease, but we are responsible for our recovery.

Alcohol is aponse. If someone is not in denial, he or she is faced with overwhelming shame, guilt, powerlessness, fear, and hopelessness. This leads back to denial.

James spent years in denial about his alcoholism. He rationalized he wasn't as bad as his father. His father was a violent alcoholic, while James's behavior was passive. He stayed away from home a lot, didn't show up for the important events in his children's lives, and chronically lied to his wife. Yet he had convinced himself that as long as he wasn't violent like his father, his drinking was okay and he really hadn't hurt anyone. He would say, "So I stayed out late, missed a few events, and wasn't as good to my wife as I could be, but I wasn't a bad man." You can hear the delusional thinking and rationalizing in those very comments.

Preoccupation

Preoccupation means being completely absorbed in thought and action with the process of the addiction. Some examples follow.

A father with an addiction wakes up in the morning thinking about how to acquire his drugs that day. During breaks at work he makes plans for getting the drug, preoccupied with creating excuses for his absence from his child's ball game and experiencing euphoric recall about previous drug use. Euphoric recall, remembering and feeling the payoff that comes with using, actively fuels preoccupation and has been said to "juice" the brain, to titillate the brain to seek the substance.

An alcoholic is anticipating the family reunion she has to attend and the excuses she will need to make up in order to slip away for a drink. A gambler is preoccupied with the losses of the previous night, how he will attempt to hide the losses from his family, and what he will do to make up the losses before anyone is aware. He is totally obsessed with how he could have played differently last night and what he will do to win the next time.

Michael's preoccupation began each morning thinking about his drug stash and anticipating excuses to offer his wife for coming home late. He also found himself thinking about how he was stealing his supply of drugs from the hospital where he worked as a physician and wondering whether or not he had covered his tracks.

Preoccupation may not just be about the anticipation of acquiring the next fix. It can take other forms, such as fixating on the excuses and explanations one might need to hide the addictive behavior. It may also include a chronic focus on feelings of remorse, guilt, or self-loathing.